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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118 |
Hurting,
Thanks for all the advice and insite. I am sure that she maybe done. I have a breaking point and so does she. I am sure that it was never PA. I guess I have some amazing powers. See the EA was what it was, but never ever realized it until being on the outside for the past 5 months. I know that it would or could never ever get to a PA. See, I do have dignity. I guess that its a lost cause for me to even bother trying.
I have worked on so many changes and since Feb i have been admitting it was EA. She just doesn't care. There are other factors to the problems in our marriage. The EA is the easiest thing to give up. especially when I know who and what i am truely in love with.
MY WIFE
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
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Never, Mel had just made the point "never, your answers are evasive and serve at every turn to minimize or spin the truth." And a wonderful point it was and you answered with this: No my son was in 1/2 day kindergarden and it was for a few hours and not everyday.
Look I am being honest to you all here and to my wife, family, etc......
Morals was one of the reasons, plus i never ever thought of her that way. I can admit that i did like to talk to her and not about my problems but because we had similarities.
During my time of being out of work and problems the relationship was an "out". She didn't have ties to me as a husband and didn't want me to be anything either. She had a husband who put her on a pedastal(sp).
I was lacking that part of my marriage, true friendship. we had family things in common, talking about children, the family BS. etc. My wife looked at me a s the financial provider and care taker of the children when she had enough. The emotional part was not there. She would only complain, never happy with anything we did. I always did things to try and make her happy. I would change my ways, things i liked to do (softball, having people over, going out with her and volunteering). she never wanted to do those things. I never got that from my SIL either.
She just let me be me.
I know who I am now, and I am what my wife fell in love with.
I did go thru a doubting time, selfish time. I have IB up the wazoo for a time and now when I look back, all for this.
I know why I am hating life......without her..... Which like it or not is more minimization and more evasion. While I'm sure it's not a communication style that you see it is present and honestly that prevents you from communicating "Radical Honesty". If you've given your wife apologies with stipulations, exceptions, justifications, or whatever else then you take away as much, if not more, than you are giving. So here you are, you've admitted, but have you admitted and apoligized without a single spin, twist, evasion, justification, rationization, or minimization? In all honesty, I don't know if she'll hear you at this point but anything less than that is counter-productive. Further, I have a couple of questions. What is your definition of physical? Did y'all hold hands? Did y'all kiss? Did y'all do ANYTHING?
Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz
Bill
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118 |
Thanks,
I have apologized and admitted with out anything else.
I have said I am sorry for hurting you, doing this to our marriage, our family and i will do anything to help you and I get thru this and promise to have abetter marriage and relationship between YOU AND ME.
Phyical is touching etc. No we never held hands, never kissed, except a hello kiss, no making out etc. We talked and laughed and let our children play together.
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,693
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Never,
It is not what you are saying it is what she believes. If she believes it was physical and it wasn't you have a tough hill to climb.
It is very difficult to prove you didn't have a PA. I would say if you were looking from the outside in you would probably have a hard time believing it too.
I am not saying you did but understand that it would be hard to believe.
Now on to you and your problems. What are they? I read what drove you to the EA. But why did you take that away from your W and give it to your SIL?
I realized after my FWW A that I had a lot to be unhappy about in our M. It never dawned on me until she betrayed me and justified her behavior with M problems.
Now compound the problems with an A and I might have made the same choice as your W.
In other words she thought she had it so bad she did that you should see how bad I had it.
If it was really bad on her side but she dealt with it without an A there will be a lot of resentment.
If I knew M problems justified an A I would have had one a long time ago. I always believed there were no justifications so I didn't have one.
It is possible your W spent so much time and energy getting you to see what you did is wrong then she might think recovery will take way too much time and energy.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118 |
I know the tough hill I have to climb and do it alone.....
Nothing justifys the EA,
My SIL was pretty much in my corner with my other SILs when is came to the family and the way my wife would disrepect me. Verbally..... See it is all words and emotions that I have not the physical part.
I may have abandoned her feeling and had, but I really have no just cause, just terrible communication.
"It is possible your W spent so much time and energy getting you to see what you did is wrong then she might think recovery will take way too much time and energy."
I believe that this statement by you has summed everything up.
She acts this way now....
Is there a chance?
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Joined: Apr 2006
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It is really up to her. Even Harley says the BS has a right to a D at any point. It is up to them.
I will be honest with you. If my FWW did this and we didn't have kids I would be gone right now. Heck if my kids were older I would have as well.
All you can do is Plan A her right now. If she does not accept that then there is nothing you can do.
I am a believer that no matter what mistake you make you can redeem yourself. It is not your mistakes that define you as a person it is how you deal with the mistakes that does that.
If you make a mistake and work your tail off to mitigate further damage while making good on the damage you did then you are doing your part. If you do that and it doesn't work then at least you did the best you could.
Now your W is a WS? Maybe she is getting payback.
In all honesty after all the BS my wife fed me about her actions I was tempted to have an A to show her that what she was saying was all BS.
You want to tell me it won't bother you fine lets see if that is true. I didn't but I bet she would have changed her tune a little.
The only chance you really have is the chance she will give you.
If she won't give you one you don't have one.
Go into full court courting mode. Do everything you did to woo her and more and see if that helps.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118 |
ok,
We are "legally separated", she forced it and has left the house for almost a month.
i am home with the kids from 6pm til 6:30am all week and then she comes there to be with them. This is only for the summer. because she doesn't work.
She avoids me and hates when i do things for her. I have backed off somewhat because she said it drives her further away.
Hmmmmm what to do?
The house is always perfectly clean for her, all the things are done 10000000%.
She is getting payback, that is her family helping her because that is what they do sometimes. I have seen it before.
She had to leave the house because it wa too much for her..... I have been Plan Aing Since february 06
All help is needed
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,693
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Posts: 2,693 |
Then I have an answer.
Ask her what she wants to do and why.
Ask her if there is anyway she will comeback to you.
Tell her you love her and if she gives you a chance you will make the best of it.
Tell her you can't live without her and you now see it and you should have known it long ago.
Most of all tell her you can understand why she doesn't want to be with you and if that is what she choses you will accept the consequences of your actions.
Just say I screwed up and if it means losing you I will hate myself forever. I just want you to help me get back the person I love the most in this world and that is you.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 118 |
Well, You have said exactly what I have said and done.
Now the ball is in her court.
I guess that when she gets back from vacation with the children I will reiterate it with her. What is the best for because she will not talk face to face about anything execpt the children and even then she is running......
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