I am 29 he is 29 we have been together for 9 years married for 3 with 3 gorgeous children, well about 3 weeks ago I cheated on him with my daughters best friends dad, my daughter is 11 & his daughter is 11.. He is married also, she is the one who found out by reading his e-mail, it was a letter I wrote him, she showed up at my house & told me I could have him if I wanted him, I told her it wasnt like that... & It wasnt like that at all, it just kinda happened, I did tell my husband an hour later & the look on his face was something I will never forget & I have never hurt him so bad & I feel so bad becasue I did.. She called & talked to my husband they agreed that we would all meet in the park to talk about this, something I did not want to do, but knew I had to do it.. It was hard as ****** it really was & i know i deserved every single bit of it... She told him what to say to me, & he had a very hard time saying it.. & yes it hurt to hear it but I deserve it 100 % of it...Well my husband is blaming himself he says he knows he has treated me like crap over the past couple years, & he has & I know it was no excuse to do what we did, we hurt her , we hurt him & yes his daughter knows about it & with who becasue of his wife,, Her & my husband agreed that our daughters can no longer see each other, & I do not want that to happen they have been best freinds since they were in preschool I do not want my mistake to affect them in anyway at all they will be going to the same school for the next 3 years & I do not think it is fair, I know what I did was not fair to them or to our spouses & I am beating my self up for it, I know I was wrong & i never meant to hurt anyone,, I really did not mean to it happened one time & that was it, yes i had feelings for him & we ended it before any more feelings could come about it.. I just dont know what to do & I dont know how to get past this I feel so bad for hurting so many people he says he has forgiven me, but I dont believe him & it tears me up that he is blaming himself, I cant eat, drink, sleep or get it off of my mind at all, I will have to live with this the rest of my life & I dont know how to mive past it, I will get to see her everyday & that will be a constant reminder of my mistake i made.. Has anyone been in a similar situation ??
How do I get past this ???? How do we get past this... PLease do not judge me I know what I have done is wrong & i face up to it I told him & i have to live with it the rest of my life I just dont know what to do
this happend june 25 2006

Hi Rachel

I am a FWW who has been in EXACTLY your situation. I pposted to your first thread re your daughter & OM's daughter. It tells you briefly a bit of my story. I would REALLY encourage you to read Dr Harleys notes re how afairs start, coping with infidelity etc on this site. You and your H will really get something out of it. If you and your H are committed to your marriage and are prepared to make adjustments YOU WILL GET THRU THIS....HANG IN THERE....as I said in my earlier post, I am 9 mths into recovery.this mess will be part of your life, but gradually a smaller & smaller part.

You and your H may want to consider moving, or at least sending your DD to a diff school. I know this sounds drastic and I can hear your tears, but trust me as hard as it is for ALL concerned, it will be for the best.

It was yourmistake, you cannot "FIX" it as such, but you CAN change things for the better for you and H and your kids.

Both you and your H need to read Dr Harleys stuff and get hold of his needs/her needs as a starting point. Do you have a pastor/counsellor you can talk to???

So much to say to you...I have been just where you are.....with the love & support of your H you guys will get thru

much love & prayers

MKH

me 45
h 46
3sons, 17,15,13
married 24 yrs
pretty well recovered

It's unfortunate that you daughters can't be friends any longer. That happens a lot around here. But it would be unfair to your husband to continue like nothing happened.

I would also do some marriage counseling to figure out why you chose to be unfaithful after only 3 years of marriage.

can you please contact me at ****edit****PLEASE

Hi Rach

So glad you replied..I have sent you an email just now...hope you are going ok...was worried abouot you

love Mrs K

Hi I never got the e-mail address is ***edit***]

Rach - I just emailed you MrsKahuna's email.

You can also email her...

****edit*****

Hi I e-mailed her could you please let me know if she gets it or not thanks

It sounds like the easiest thing (although still very difficult for all) would be to move away. Start fresh elsewhere. I would think that would be less painful for your daughter. There would be lots of excitment in starting out in a new school and new surroundings.

Unfortunately, the consequences of your choices force forever extreme measures to remedy the situation. Had you only known the ramifications of your actions, I am sure you would have run from even the possibility of an A. You know that you will need to have stronger boundaries in the future regarding relationships with people of the opposite sex.

Rach - MrsK got your email - did you get hers?

Ok so she called & he had warned me she was going to call, So I was expecting it , but never thought she would actually go thru with it,,, Anyway I talked to my mom about the possibility of her calling & my mom told me to tell her I am sorry about everything (which I have done already), but I am not going to talk to you about this, I owe you nothing, I did not marry you & I did not promise you anything, that is something you will have to take up with him, He promised you things & married you, he said the vows not me, You need to talk to him about it, I owe my husband & not you I promised my husband not you & we are trying to work on things & with you trying to get a hold of me constantly we cant work on us.. we would like it if you or him never contacted us again... & that is exactly what I said to her, WAS I wrong ????? Or did I do the right thing???

rach, she did not ask you to get involved with her husband. What you owe her is a heartfelt apology for getting involved with her husband and the TRUTH of what you did with him. She knows you didn't marry her but just because you are not married to her does not entitle you to harm her by fooling around with her husband.

Why are you being mean to her? What did she do to you?

Yes, IMO, you were wrong. I have read the same statements your mother suggested on the "other woman" website. It is the OW justification code for bad behavior.

Yes, he made vows to his wife and he cheated on her. But you owe it to another women (common decency) to NOT sleep with her husband. To NOT disrespect her marriage, decimating her and her children's lives by having sex with her husband. You were part of it just as much as he was and you DO owe her an explanation, an apology and a commitment never to do it again. But you don't have to repeatedly speak to her about it. Just make the apology (it sounds like you have) and be sincere. The details she can get from her H, but don't minimize your responsibility in bringing about her devastation.

Your mom is trying to protect you, but not in an "own up to your mistakes" kind of way. The "vow/marriage" cope out is an excuse. You heap extra hurt on her when you do that. I don't get the impression that you are trying to keep hurting her or don't care about her pain. But that is what happens.

It is clear that you are very sorry and remorseful. Do what you can to make amends and repair the damage. Don't add to her pain by excusing yourself. There is no excuse and you stated that repeatedly in your posts.

You seem like a nice person who made a mistake. Do your best and be heartfelt and sincere in your reparations with your H and the other family. It will go along way to healing the hurt.

Good luck!

Hi Rach

Hope you got my mail.....you REALLY need to understand that you have broken trust with your H AND with OMW. She DOES need to get FULL disclosure from her H...just as you NEED to give it to yours..yes..everything.. even when it hurts.You ARE RESPONSIBLE for the A, as much as the OM. Yes, there may heve been ENs in OM's M that were not being met by OMW but it is up to them and them alone to fix their own M. EXACTLY the same can be said for you & your M. You certainly DO need to express your sorrow/remorse etc re broken trust/friendship/vows..maybe write her a letter and make sure you have sent OM a NC letter. DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH OM AT ALL this is absolutely critical for your own personal recovery and to build trust with your H, which would be a rock bottom right now....You and your H need to concentrate on you....read on this site and read Dr Harleys stuff...get some help...don't try and do this on your own

I NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
& she wants to hear that we did seriouly it is what she wants to hear, I told her I was sorry so many times & yes I know I am wrong for kissing him & talking to him, Right now yes I am mad at her, she has called family services on me & she has called the department of health & saftey on me... So as of right now I do not owe her anything, I am truly sorry it went this far, & I did not mean for it to

Rach...her H needs to back you up here..all you can give her is your word re sex...I know you said it was an EA not SA. maybe you need some legal help if she is getting family services....why would she do that??? Can you and your family move, even if temporarily??

Hi Racheal....I sent this to you on 25 Jul...hope this helps....

PLEASE get your H to read some MB stuff..it will really help him & you too...If he is asking you questions about the A, tell him everything.....it will not be easy for you but you need to for his sake and it does help you to in a way. You need to build trust with him RIGHT NOW...At the moment he has the pieces of a jigsaw and no picture to help him put it together....you are the only one who can do that for him and you MUST do it to save & rebuild your M.....

think of you and your siruation a lot and hope you get this..much love & prayers

Mrs K

Hi Racheal

I was getting worried about you as I had not seen you reply to any of your posts.....Where do I start????..Firstly, can I ask why you do not post on Marriage Builders (MB)?? Is there someone who is 'beating you up' ? are you worried your H/OM/OMW will read/have read here??? I have not posted here much myself, I know, but it is good to get a number of people to give you feedback on a particular situation, see different points of view. There are many Former Wayward Wives (FWW) on MB who can & have given you some great stuff on your first thread...Be prepared to get a hard time from a Betrayed Spouse (BS) or two...Once you have read Dr Harley's stuff re infidelity & how affairs start you will start to get an idea why they are so angry...

If your H is going to have you back...that is the first miracle...sounds like you have a lovely family...Thank God for them every day

If you and your H have not already, PLEASE BOTH OF YOU read Dr Harley's stuff re infidelity & how affairs start...they can be downloaded free from MB website. Dr Harley is amazing on his site as there is SO much there that can be downloaded for free and it all very helpful. My H found MB by chance on Google....thank God he did as I seriously don't know where we would be without it. This stuff really helped both of us immensly.

Anyway, I am not doing a paid testimonial here!!!!..... its just I found it gave me hope for recovery when I did not have ANY...

I can so relate to your story Racheal. As I said I know just how you feel. I hope you saw what I wrote on your first thread re DD as it briefly tells you about my situation.
As you know my A was with my next door neighbour. The A lasted for 2-3 months, it was not sexual ( though could have been) and ended early Sept 05. When we were found out (by an sms on my mobile,by my H), OM & I had decided at this point that we would leave our families and "start our new life together (where do I throw up). We were going to tell them but got found out first.OM left/was kicked out of his family's home & stayed with friends. As my youngest son was leaving for school camp the next day, I stayed at home for another night and then went to stay with a girlfriend (I was with her for 2 wks). I ended the A after my first week at my friend's place. OM was nearly suicidal for a couple of days after that...don't think he would have gone thru with it but it was an awful,scary time. After I moved back home, my H & I decided for the good of both families we would move out of our home and rent in the same suburb away from OMW and the visiting OM to give everyone time to heal and some breathing space.(FYI we own our house outright and now had to pay rent of about $6000 because of my A) We were out of our home for 4 months, my H came back to work as he has a home office.I visited home about 3 times in that time, when OM & OMW were not home and it was 'safe'

My family & OM's family had been good friends for about 4 yrs. Our youngest sons were best friends at school, like brothers, never tired of each other, never heard a cross word between them. Our children played football for the same club. OM was heavily involved in coaching for a few years and coached my eldest son (same age as his eldest son). I was also involved in football club, helping with catering at the games & training.Both families enjoyed doing things together, had weekends away together, went on a 4 week holiday together 1 year b4 A started.

Yes it did just kind of happen, and when we knew we had feelings for each other the wildfire had been lit....we found we had had (undeclared) feelings for about 1 yr...I knew it was wrong, he knew it was wrong, but at the time we were meeting emontional needs for each other that were not being met by our spouses,,,IT WAS STILL WRONG...I am NOT trying to justify my actions....I made a bad choice and dragged my beautiful, innocent family thru ******. and for what???? because I was deceived and this guy was making me feel better about myself......I want to be sick now......The ripple effect thru to other people I/We knew was huge as well. I have shocked and disgusted quite a number of people (especially myself) by what I did

My H & I are Christians which made the whole mess just that much more traumatic. Our pastor & his wife have known us for 20 yrs and, unfortuantly,had no clue how to help us.MB did save our sanity. They have since read some of Dr HArley's stuff and are impressed

I could write a book, I think, to you Rachael.....

You & your H need to do some serious work on your marriage if you have decided you are going to stay together. MB stuff is a good start but you might want to get some IC or MC. Talking to other FWWs you will find helpful as will your H talking to other BSs. You both probably think your situation is unique but it,sadly, is not. You will both come thru this mess better, stronger, more in love.....you REALLY will. You should explain to your children who are old enough to understand what has happened and why. You probably should seriously consider moving or at least moving your DD to a diff school...it is really just making it harder for her to be at same school as her best friend, but cannot do any of the friend things with her...visits, sleepovers etc. My youngest had to change football clubs (already went to diff school) after being at the same one for 5 yrs.He cannot visit OMS anymore. I don't shop at certain places anymore as OM & OMW (who are back together) live about 7 miles away shop where I used to. I have had to make some big adjustments to fulfill MB's No Contact 'rule' but trust me it is worth it for your sanity and for your H's as well.

Not wanting to make you feel guilty here, but you need to realise you did bring this upon innocent people and that does come at a cost to you. Your life will and must change. These changes will help you to slowly reclaim a normal life for you and in turn your family. This event will be a part of all of you forever, NOTHING you do can change that, but you WILL get thru it..

I think I am repeating myself now, so I will stop...I am happy to answer any questions as best I can.....Hope this helps a bit

much love & prayers

Mrs K

PS My H is the only man I have ever truly loved, we have been together for nearly 28 yrs, married for nearly 24 yrs. My H is 46 & I am 45, our sons are 17,15 & 13

Edited: You know what...nevermind...I'm abstaining from this...it's what I need to do...

Blessings,

Mrs. W

I read "your story" post. You said you cheated on your H. You said it only happened once. You said you felt horribly guilty and you were wrong and everyone was upset. That sounds like a physical affair. There was never anything said about it being kissing and not sex. So, you can see the confusion.

For you to change your name to something nasty like "Biteme" is a defensive WS slap in the face for anyone who would try to help you with your troubles. You asked direct questions and 3 people answered the same thing and you didn't like the answer. Sorry, but it is the truth.

You should change your name back.

And can we please just clarify 2 things here...

1. An EA is just as damaging as a PA
2. Passionate Kissing and any actual physical contact is still a PA regardless of the Clinton defence.

Oh - and GO GO GO MrsK. Is that gal awesome or what!!