Your story is eerily similar to mine. I wondered how you are coping with the A continuing? Any advice/words of wisdom appreciated!

MP

Hi, sorry I didn't see your post sooner. Actually, there's been NC since the 11th of this month. H also said that OW has nothing to offer him. I also found out that H was only calling OW on his cell the past few weeks to "punish" me for checking the cell bill. That was interesting, now that he realize what he was doing I'm hoping and praying it doesn't happen any more, but I'm still checking the cell.

Best I can say as to how I'm dealing with things, is treating every day as it should be treated: as a new one! Focusing on me, learning who I am and who I'm not! Learning that I've allowed myself to be walked on, and that I don't need to be that way anymore. I use the voice I have, say what I feel, instead of holding that anger and resentment inside. I speak calmly, as to not upset myself so I can communicate effectively. I tried very hard to listen and repeat. Still having ahard time with that, but I'm working on it. I'll also learned that H has passive aggressive behavior. I'm teaching myself to stop fearing the unknown and take whatever comes, recognizing the behavior, and the abuse of it was half the battle. Now, I can say "that's abusive and I don't have to deal with it!"

What problems do you percieve in your M? can you make a list? Number them in any order that you would like to change them, whether it's what you think would be easiest to change or hardest. It's up to you. think about a situation in which the problem occurred, what was your reaction? How could you have handled it differently? Could you have walked away, spoke softer, avoided it all together? Find your part in the problem, and change your part in the present, and do your best to do it again when the situation arises again.

Only you can change your dance step, you can't change your H's step. Know what you can control and can't. Own your own feelings, thoughts, beliefs. Know that you matter, and take care of yourself!

Do you know how amazing you are? You're a wonderful talented creature! Live up to all those wonderful things inside yourself, you're worth it! Change you, and watch how things have a way of working themselves out. What you think you want may not be what you really want? Listen to self!

Now, hold your head up high, strut your stuff, and be all you can be!

Thank you for your wonderful reply, I really appreciate the advice...I have done alot of what you suggest so far...many many changes in me since D-Day almost 2 months ago. I am glad your H has ended contact, that is half the battle, isnt' it?

Mine is getting there - OW committed a big LB of her own this past weekend - she got mad that H hadn't called her all day or night (because H and I were having a great evening with friends, thank you!) - so, at 12:30 a.m. no less, she calls our home # - H answers, OW doesn't say anything, H hangs up. I calmly ask H who it is, he says it was OW and i calmly say how upsetting and unacceptable it is that she called our home. H says it will never happen again...contact continues, but I am hoping that that her calling the house has put a doubt in H mind as to OW true colors.

So, yes, i have made so many changes - but maybe you can relate to this - i feel better than i have in years and i am actually happy even with all this #$% going on...but i get so impatient with my H sometimes, you know?? I want to shake him and say 'snap out of it - look at how different i am now - not drinking, not bitter and depressed!' So STOP TALKING TO OW please!!!!!! Argh. Good thing I don't actually say that to him.

I know H sees all these changes, because he has made comments to me about it...which is good. i just know that we cannot even begin to recover with continued contact.

I asked this before on the board, and hope you dont mind if i run it by you - H says he knows NC must be established - that he knows he needs to do something 'soon'. We are going on a wonderful family vacation on 8/24 - H is all for this, but i am sure OW has no idea he is planning this.

what time frame am i supposed to deal with here as far as NC?? My worst fear is that H drags this out and is still in contact right before the trip - plus, i think judging from OW antics at 12:30 a.m. that she is not going away quietly.

How should i handle this? I have told H that NC must be established and that the longer he waits the more complicated this becomes - H just says 'i know, you're right' 'i will' but then keeps calling OW every night! I am losing patience with this...
Thanks for listening!

Time frame, that must be detemined by, I guess, what you're willing to handle. Broken wrote on my thread once that men can take up to six months.

Your H knows what he needs to do, just like mine! Like I've been told, you have stated what you need, not repeat, he knows! My H said that it's his male pride that's in the way! Isn't it hard fo you to admit when you're wrong, it is for me! Should it be any differnet with our Hs?


I think the fact that he is planning this trip says alot. Actions do speak louder than words! It seems to me that if he wanted to be with OW he would have left by now. It appears the fantasy might be dieing a slow death! Have patience, one of the hardest things for me!

I see in your sig. line that H wants a D, is this still true? You mentioned that he sees the changes, likes it, could his position have changed?

Do you feel that you've created a "safe" environement for open communication? At this point, do you feel "safe" to state what you feel, think, and belief?

I think you are doing a wonderful job and I really wouldn't concentrate on NC before the vacation. I think that your focus should be on going and having the time of your life, no R talk, unless he starts it. Think before you speak though! Create new, wonderful memories, talk up the great times that you've had, live for the moment!

The best thing that's got me through is when I feel like I want to take a step backward, I do my best to put my best foot forward. When I feel like I can't talk to H anymore and want to withdraw, I talk. When I feel like I want to sleep in the other room, I cuddy up next to him! He might not reach over and touch me, but I'm letting him know that I'm there and I'm not going anywhere. I'm breaking my bad habits! I'm changing our future, one moment at a time! I'm not reacting, I'm acting! That's the biggest difference in my life!

Oh, how right you are that H knows what he needs to do...my H says he knows it is wrong but that OW is 'a good person' and this 'just happened'...yeah, a good person sleeps with a married man within a week of meeting him! Puke!

And yes, H did want a D right after D-Day and for the first few weeks after, but has not brought it up at all lately. I think his stance has changed on that, but i think he enjoys the cake-eating now...doesn't want to 'hurt' the OW by telling her he cant talk to her anymore.

Thank you for your comments about the vacation, i think actions do speak louder than words - and H is excited about it - bought a new video camera, took us shopping for clothes...etc. Maybe you are right that I should lay off the NC speeches for now - and, well, at some point H is going to have to inform OW that he will be going away for 9 days, right? Don't think she will like that plan, if she is still in the picture.

I love your last sentences - what a wonderful attitude you have! I will work on accentuating the positive!

Thanks again! I am over and out for the day, time to go home!

I think if you play the waiting game that things will blow up on their own! She'll get bored enough! Are you guys bring cell phones on the trip? Do you know if you will have signal?

Big wait a minute! What is this?

Why in the ****** will he HAVE TO INFORM? That's a DJ on your part! If he's working on the M, he doesn't owe her anything! You just need to sit back and relax! And Honey, their all "Good PEople!" Good people that break up happy and healthy homes. Next time, he says something like that, I would say "That's debateable! She knows you're M right!" Don't give him the opportunity to talk about OW, she's a fantasy! NOT REAL and you have no desire to indulge in his fantasy! WH drive me crazy sometimes, the stuff they can say! Speaking of what other boundaries have you set up, do you feel that you need any others to feel safe? Do they only talk on the phone, who pays the phone bill, cell or other wise. I would let him know if he talks on the house phone to her that's it's disrespectful to you and your D, and you don't appreciate it.

Of course, you want to think about this and speak calmly, without DJing. You might want to do a O&H statement (not just in this situation), explain I'm about to say something that's on my mind, and I'm not looking for a response or a comment. It's just something I need to say! Say it, let it hang, and leave, change the subject, whatever. It was something you needed to get off your chest, and it's not open for discussion!

Thanks to my wonderfully awesome Sharing partner on here, I picked up that little something be reading another wonderful MBer thread! I have to say if you have the chance, please read Brokenbird's thread. He has done a wonderful job, and really has been making huge strides of late!

Thank you so much for the fabulous comment about my attitude! LOL I wasn't always this way! I can hear H saying "Do you just look for things to be unhappy about?" It was me checking the cell phone bill. His reasoning if I didn't cell the bill then we wouldn't be on this exciting rollercoaster! LOL Gotta Love IT! LOL

I hope you got a good laugh out of that one! 2B honest, I have a really Shi**y childhood, if I can make it through that this is a walk in the park. I vowed to get a college education, worked two or three jobs at a time to pay for it, just to make sure I successed and didn't have to go back home. I turned that into a positive, why can't I make this work too?

Isn't everything all about perpective? H's, your's, grandma Jones from down the street? Only you can make life what you want, you just got to figure out what that is? Do you have the courage and strenght to stand up for yourself? To use that wonderful voice and brain?

I think you can! It's the Little Train That Could! Did you ever think you would be using that little story in real life in your adult years? LOL

I am hopeful that OW will get fed up with waiting...I mean, H came back from this trip on 6/5/06 and is still at home, doesn't she get it??
Cell phones on the trip...theres a question for you in this. H has one, so does DD..I am terrible about losing phones so I do not have one. I was thinking if NC has not been established or is established soon before the trip of asking H not to bring his phone with - that we can take DD but that i would be in possession of the phone during our vacation....could that work, or could it backfire as a LB??

Oh, i know H does not owe OW anything, believe me! I was more saying that at some point if he is still talking to OW he would probably tell her that he wouldnt be available for 9 days or whatever and I assume OW would blow her stack knowing H is going on vacation with his family, imagine that>!

I think i am doing ok with boundaries....H does not talk in the house - he goes outside and sits in his truck in the driveway. At one point when i was still in LB mode i told him he needed to keep the trash outside <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The phone bill --thats a good one....the first month after he got back it was several hundred dollars - i about wanted to kill him. He ended up taking a loan out - - that we needed for other things anyway..but that is how it got paid this time - not sure how he thinks its being paid this month! We have seperate accounts and i made d#mn sure to tell him that not one penny was coming from my account to cover that!

I like your O&H statement idea, thanks - that is something that would definitely work for H...when i dont want to start any big discussion but just want to say what i need to say.
My H said the EXACT same thing about me being unhappy, lol! He said i always looked at the negative, and he was right. Now i look at the positive and life is SO MUCH better, isn't it?? Why feel sorry for yourself? Life is too dam# short for that!

The little train that could, love it! You are obviously living that story and should be proud of your strength!
Oh, and I will read brokenbirds thread, thanks.

MPH

MPELE- WOW! I happy for you, sounds like you have some of your ducks in a row. I'm realy impressed with the separate account thing. H should have to suffer the consquences, it's definitly another way to break up the A. He'll get tired of the bill.

As far as the cell phone on the trip, why don't you try to POJA with H about it? Explain your fear, that you want to have the best trip possible, and that you don't want anything that could be avoided to ruin the family's vacation. This way your being O&H, and using POJA! Team effort baby! You might want to read up on POJA to refresh your memory. Brainstorm together, negotiate (which you might want to read up on also), and come to a joint agreement. If you see that it's going to create a problem or the discussion is turning for the worst, remain positive, you were just thinking what would be best for everyone. This could create a problem and ruin everyone's vacation not just you and H, it would effect DD. Remember you may not get the results you would like, don't expect anything from him even after asking. You might even decide to do a drive-by regarding the cell phone on the trip. You know "I would feel really upset and wouldn't be able to enjoy the vacation as much as I would like if there was contact while we a re on the trip."

Life is always better when you look from the positive. It will definitly make a huge different! You've got the right attitude!

Now, I do have my bad days, and it just seeems like everything is going wrong. I just have to keep in mind, it's one day, and tomorrow a new one. Sleep always helps me! It's the my brain erased the bad mood, and I wake up fresh! LOL

Oh, if you decided to engage in conversation, remember to listen and repeat. You might get some really good info. and keep it short. If you have to bow out, ask if the two of you can revisit this topic later even in a day or two, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed or whatever. Say look I feel like I'm going to do some LBing and I need to stop before I do. Be true to yourself, you'll respect yourself more, and H will see that!

well, Let me get busy on something around here!

I do like the POJA idea for the cell phone - and exactly for the reasons you detail...the last thing i want to have to deal with on our vacation is any part of the OW. I think putting it in a 'nice' way will help alot.

The positive does make a HUGE difference, doesn't it?! Just last night H went off about something that was bothering him (unrelated to A or OW)- yelling and ranting...and while before i would have completely engaged him in that and ended up in a big fight, last night i asked him not to speak to me like that and not to yell.
When he started in again, I calmly said i was going to go on a bike ride with DD, and left. H was still mad when we got back and attempted to bait me again but i didn't budge - stayed calm and collected. I'll be dam#ed if H didn't come to me 30 minutes later asking for a backrub...Hmmmmm!~

Listen and repeat - like that! That is a definite area for me to improve on - in the past i tended to interrupt and not think before i spoke. Another area for improvement!

Thanks again
MPH

I found a link to effective communication. I just figure I'm not listening and repeating well and I thought this might be helpful to you also.

A Model of Effective Communication

I'm still reading it but thought that it has some good stuff!Try it out, it's one of my weaknesses also!

It's that PA behavior! I learned real quick to not be baited! Fabulous JOB! I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get remorse! Oh, I had am interesting lunch! MAN!

GO MP! GO MP! GO MP! GO MP! HURRAY!

Thanks for the link, I will be sure to read this!

PA --- for sure! And for 9+ years I let him bait me, I reacted every single time! And that got me....nowhere!
So now it's the new MP and I feel so much better every time he starts on me or gets angry about something; knowing that i can not - WILL not - let it affect me negatively. Imeanm what a waste of energy, right?!

Interesting lunch - could be good or bad, right?!
Thanks for the pep talk - woo hoo!Have a great afternoon!

It wasn't to good, PA mode! Check out my thread...

Your welcome, if I run across anything else, I'll be sure to send it your way!

I nosed around a little more and printed so much! Here's the beginning of the link I went to:
http://www.coping.org/

See if you find anything else helpful. I was amazed with Tools for Communication! There's more then what I gave you earlier! Impressive!

HI, I want to say that I saw your pic in the MB photo album. You are beautiful!

DH and I have pics posted too under Needing Comfort. I guess I need to ask faith to change the names! LOL

How are you doing?