Firsttimer, please listen to Pepperband and WAT…you’re NOT done with this…you have to come clean with your H.

Re-read the following from Pep’s post:

Firsttimer, as someone who have grieved a “close friendship” and have been through such an intense emotional attachment/addiction myself, I can almost guarantee you that - if you’re NOT going to come clean with your H and ask him to help you in this – you will NOT be able to ‘stay strong’ and resist the temptation to contact OM again in future…no matter how good your intentions and no matter how much will-power, self-control and self-discipline you think you might have... The truth is, you have already proved to yourself (and to us) that neither you or OM have this type of self-control to do it on your own… You proved it with the following words on your first post:

” We try to have "no contact", but it seems one of us always ends up calling the other.”

What will be different from now on? Nothing… Except if you tell your H and keep yourself accountable to him. (And OM must do the same to his W).

You also said:

”I'm sure the next few weeks/months will be hard and full of temptation, but I will try to be strong and focus on my marriage and my family.”

“Try” is the key word here. “Trying” is not enough. You’ve already “tried” and it didn’t work and it will not work unless you become honest with your H. PLUS (as Pepperband has said) “this secret will not bind you emotionally with your husband ... sharing the truth will”.

Firsttime, the danger also exist that - if you’re NOT coming clean with your H and contact is to be broken with OM again – that the next time the EA might be taken to the NEXT level of betrayal (remember the thread on ”15 Steps of Unfaithfulness”?). You need to protect yourself and your M and the best way is to do this is to come clean with your H. Have you read the thread on Emotional Infidelity” yet? In case not, underneath is a passage from that thread on emotional intimacy in a M (by Shirley Glass). Shirley Glass has written the book “NOT Just Friends” and in the following passages she talks about this book:

[color:"blue"] Walls and Windows

Throughout the book, I will use the image of “walls and windows” to symbolize the level of emotional intimacy within the marriage and within the affair. Many of my clients have told me that understanding where the symbolic walls and windows are in their relationships has helped them enormously in explaining the dynamics of their relationship and in articulating their feelings of alienation and jealousy. You can have intimacy in your relationship only when you are honest and open about the significant things in your life. When you withhold information and keep secrets, you create walls that act as barriers to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship. But when you open up to each other, the window between you allows you to know each other in unfiltered, intimate ways.

In a love affair, the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let in the affair partner. To reestablish a marriage that is intimate and trusting after an affair, the walls and windows must be reconstructed to conform to the safety code and keep the structure of the marriage sound so that it can withstand the test of time. You install a picture window between you and your marriage partner and construct a solid or opaque wall to block out contact with the affair partner. This arrangement of walls and windows nurtures your marriage and protects it from outside elements and interference.

To be healthy, every relationship needs this safety code: the appropriate placement of walls and windows. Just as the sharing that parents have with children should not surpass or replace confidences within the marriage, the boundaries in a platonic friendship should be solid. Identifying the position of walls and windows can help you discover whether a dangerous alliance has replaced a relationship that began as "just friends."[/color]

Firsttime, the truth is, you will open a "Window" and build a "Wall" with the OM if you come clean with your H - and this is what you need to do to build a strong and intimate M, keep temptation at arms length and protect you and your M against your addiction/attachement to OM.

Also read the following thread:

Growing through & defeating temptation

Firsttime, I understand you're afraid to tell your H and don't want to hurt him. And of course your H will be hurt when you tell him the truth...but just think of the wonderful opportunity both of you have to build an open, honest and intimate M...a much stronger M than before... Please don't deprive you and your H from this opportunity.

You know firsttime, when my H first learned about my EA he was very hurt and disappointed, but he was also glad and thankful that I never allowed the EA to develop to a more serious level and further betrayal towards him. I had the temptation to physically act on my feelings for OM, but I never did because it would go against everything I care for and believe in e.g. my morals; value system; religious beliefs; integrity; my love and commitment towards God and my H etc. My H was aware of these things and found some comfort in this in spite of his pain… And I’m sure your H will too… However, you have another opportunity here I never had e.g. you can inform your H yourself and prevent him from finding out from someone else or from an outside source. If your H find out in any other way than directly from YOU, it will be MUCH more devastating to him… And don’t make the mistake of thinking that your H will never find out. Secrets have a way to expose itself to the light of day in one or other way…even if it takes years from now... Please keep this in mind.

Keep posting,
Suzet

Firsttimer,

Excellent and honest advice from the experienced voices here. You must know, deep down, that they are right - come clean w/ your H, not doing so is a clear choice and an indication that you want the EA to continue and progress further along. The wolf analogy is correct, he's a wolf to your M and you are a wolf to his.

From a BH, I wish my W had come clean w/ me years ago during her EA w/ a wolf, she denied & dismissed my questions and kept building that wall that Suzet quotes, eventually moving to a PA.
Talk honestly w/ your H now - no pain, no gain.

V/r,
No Way

How do I tell my H? Where do I start? It's truly over - can't I just move on? I'm so tired of dealing with this paralyzing ordeal. I feel like I can't get out from under this weight and I really just want to let it go. It's consumed my life for almost 8 months now.

I feel like if I tell my H, I will be starting the whole thing over again - from the beginning - only he'll be hurt, I'll be hurt again and I just can't see any good coming from that.

As far as the EA continuing, I really don't think that is possible. Yesterday, we were both on the same page (OM & I) about ending our friendship. We both realized this is not what we want. We admitted the temptation is too great to even talk to each other. We won't speak to or see one another ever again. I say, let the healing begin....

You are telling me that healing can't take place unless I tell my H everything - why is that? Why can't I just put this whole strange experience behind me and be thankful that I didn't let it get to a PA. Right now, I'm counting my blessings that it's over and I want to move on - not focus on it with my H. Is that selfish?

Thank you for all your help and Suzet, thank you for all the wonderful articles. They are really helping me understand the nature of this beast. I've never experienced anything like this before in my life and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Please keep guiding me everyone. I'm pretty fragile right now and don't want to do the wrong thing. I guess I thought I could just ignore it now that it's over. I'm learning that possibly there's more to do on my part.

The answer lies in your own words.

Unless you bring this to the light of day with your H, you will continue to be paralyzed and carry a burden. Stretch the 8 months WAY into the future.

Why not make it IMPOSSIBLE?

To fully explore the reasons that it happened at all and to take preventive measures, you need your H's participation. this can also prevent future EAs with different men.

Also, if your needs haven't been met - or whatever other cause is uncovered - perhaps your H has the same predisposition? Hmmmmmmm? Wouldn't you like to prevent HIM having an affair?

Full healing can't take place.

By virtue of the fact that you've ended the affair (for now) and recognize how close you came (for now) to it being worse indicates you've already healed quite a bit. Congrats. Good girl!

But what healing has the marriage accomplished?

How does your H know that he and his marriage has ANY healing to do?

He very likely doesn't know. He's NOT a perfect husband. He's flying blind right now.

Will he be hurt when you tell him? You betcha!

Will he be hurt when another affair occurs because real marital healing didn't occur when it had a chance because you cut off the "therapy"?

We understand and this is zackly why I'm writing this stuff to you.

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be open and honest with you? By not telling him what has happened you continue to disrespect him. How can you not see this?

Firsttimer,

Don't hide from pain... face it head on.

Not only will your M become stronger, but other areas of your life will benefit as well.

Please do right by your H and tell him. I speak from experience. You will never be free of this OM unless you confess. I know you agreed with him to NC, but believe me... next week when you are "missing" him you will be back in touch. I know, because I lived it for far too long.

Free yourself from this addiction and have some respect for your H and M... confess. Work on yourself and discover why you strayed. You will become a healthier, stronger person because of it.

You're welcome and I'm glad you find those links and articles helpful!

Firsttimer, I will not be further around on these boards from now until Monday, but in the meantime I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you will get the courage to come clean with your H THIS weekend. You CAN do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and blessings,
Suzet

I'm glad that you are staying with us. You may need our support down the road. I hope you and your H will be able to work on your M and make it stronger. Congratulations on figuring out that you need to stay completely away from OM.
Lake

OK everyone - I'm heading home for the weekend. You have all given me alot to think about and I'm actually finding myself actually considering telling my H about the EA.

I have no idea how to do this and I don't know what to expect, but from what you have all said, I can't completely heal without doing this. Yikes, this is scary!

As far as the OM, I do miss him. I guess the withdrawal is starting. This is going to be tough. I miss his assurance that I'm attractive, smart, fun to talk to etc... My husband tells me all of this too, but I know he feels that way and has for several years. It was incredibly nice to hear it from someone new. How selfish is that? I know.

I guess the difference is that I was comparing the excitement of this "new" relationship to the settled relationship of my marriage. I know it's not fair to compare the two. One is fantasy and one is reality. I want the reality, but the fantasy is hard to let go - it feels really good. Again, how selfish am I. Geez...do I need counseling or what?

Take care everyone and have a good weekend and I'll let you know how it went on Monday. Thanks again for all your support - you have all really made a difference.

Hey first timer, may have been your first time in an EA but you are not the only one who has been through this. You left your job, great move. I've been in the exact same situation as yourself. My OM was supposed to be my friend, one of my best friends only I looked to him as a big bro. Then things changed and once they changed we could never go back to where they were before. I left my job too. After struggling with the EA and the OM wouldn't leave me be I had to leave. I tried to part as "just friends" come to find out this M wanted to be more than my friend, said so himself. I became very sick over the experience and it has taken me months to recover. I wish I could go back, find that exact moment when these things changed our friendship and fix it to where it should have been. Will never happen, can never happen. I really think you going solo and not telling your H is a big mistake. How then will you keep yourself in check and not go back and speak with the OM. I know the intensity of this friendship your talking about, I was there too. I didn't want it to end but sure in ****** didn't want it to progress either. Sure you'll miss him, NOW BURY HIM! HE MUST BE DEAD IN YOUR MIND for you to move on. Harsh yes, truth of it is NC is NC forever, no cheating. If you tell your H he will keep it all in check for you, you sure won't sneak around to speak with OM if he knew, would you? This has to end right now and not a second later, there will never be a friendship with this man, accept it then move on.

Hey Everyone,

I'm sorry to say that I could not tell my H about the EA that happened. I illuded to it and we had a great talk about us, but couldn't bring myself to go into all the details of my friendship with OM. I know - I'm a coward. It's just really hard. He trusts me so much and I don't want him to think I betrayed that trust. Also, we were having such a great weekend with our kids - didn't want to put a damper on things....

In addition to not getting that done this weekend, I am missing the OM very much. This is definitely hard. Maybe I'm not ready to let go of the friendship with the OM. I know I should be, but man, it's hard. We talked very intensely for 8 months - it's hard to just let that go.

Sorry for the lame situation - I know it's not good.

being dishonest with your husband is very disrespectful

having been on the receiving end of infidelity

the disrespect and the lies are the most hurtful part of this

Pep

you hurt him when you disrespect him

Pep

you hurt yourself when you give yourself permission to lie to your husband

You don't know how much I agree with Pep's statement. My H had an EA. It was far shorter than your EA. He was able to quit immediately once he saw how much it hurt me. Read my thread. Know that my pain remains great.

STOP DOING THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND.

It's simple. If you can't stay away from this guy. You have to tell your husband about it. Looking into his eyes and hearing the words that will come out of his mouth will keep you away from OM. You want a good marriage--right? My pain has been great but we are building something better than we ever had--and we had a very good, solid marriage. My H loved me, loves me and will always love me. He and I are building something impenetrable. Do this with your H.

Again--bottom line--If you can't stay away from OM, tell your H. His actions/feelings will keep you safe.

Lake

Hey firsttimer

NO contact....none is the key. I am in recovery from an EA so I understand the pain you are in, but there is only one answer-- no contact. It hurts but the pain gets easier. I was once told "a love not nurtured will die," this is true. Also get the book Every Womans's Battle by Shannon Ethridge and log onto her website, she has a message board for women just like us. It is awesome. It has helped me through this process. Please check out this site www.shannonethridge.com
Another good book is "the Lies Woman Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free," it too was sooo helpful in this journey.
God bless you and please keep us posted on how you are.

You’ve already come this far in ending contact with OM firsttime, so please don’t break it… You’re missing OM because you’re in withdrawal from him. It’s normal to go through withdrawal and it’s part of the recovery process…and if there is any contact with the OM again, you will go back to the beginning of withdrawl and only prolong this process for yourself. I know this is hard but it’s the ONLY way to go firsttimer. If you don’t let go of the “friendship” now and inform your H, you will NEVER feel ready to let it go because the OM and emotional attachment is ADDICTIVE to you and by not informing your H, you also avoid dealing with and take responsibility for the consequences of your emotional betrayal towards your H and M. That’s why you must stay away from the OM, continue to have No Contact with him and most importantly - inform your H! If you inform your H and start to deal with his pain, it will also help to put a damper on your feelings for OM and deal with reality - help you in staying away from him. Also, if you don’t inform your H you will just prolong or ‘postpone’ you and your H’s recovery and the recovery of the M. Your H he can help you through this withdrawal process, help protect you all against this “threat” and help to keep you accountable. Have you read my thread on withdrawal yet? If not here it is.

Keep posting.
Suzet

I am going to be blunt here. It is all in the hopes that your life and family can heal from this.



Time to grow up. You let this other person into your M. Time for you to step up and do the right thing by letting your H know what you have done... following the good advice you have been given here... NC is a no brainer at this point. You owe it to your family to be honest and give them all of your affection. You have been robbing your H of this every time you engage in a conversation with your OM. In addition, you are doing the same thing to another family. Grow up and do the right thing. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy... few worth while things in life are! You want easy... get a goldfish. Every day that you spend without telling your H and letting him decide how HE wants to proceed is another day that you betray him. So, stop the nonsense... ditch the man that not only is cheating on his own W... but is helping you cheat on your H.
MEDC

Hi firsttimer,

You said:

"He trusts me so much and I don't want him to think I betrayed that trust."

I'm going to be blunt... hello??!?! Please read and re-read your statement over and over and think about what you just said. You are protecting yourself, and are showing little concern (or love) for your H right now. You don't want to rock the boat, yet you can't stop thinking about OM. You didn't want to tell H because you were having such a nice weekend. When would you tell him? When and if he was being a jerk? Would that have made it easier? Listen to yourself.

FT, I know it is difficult, but being honest will SAVE you. It will be hard, but ultimately it will make your marriage better and stronger. I know you don't believe that, but it is absolutely 100% true. I use to think like you, and I waited far too long to do the right thing out of fear of "hurting my H." Like MEDC said, it is immature and selfish. Please have some integrity and tell your H! If you don't, things will get worse and you will regret you missed the opportunity you have now.

It sounds cheesy, but you know the saying "no pain, no gain"? That was my mantra for quite a while, and it helped me get through some really painful stuff (because it was painful stuff I DID... I was fully responsible for the horror I created.) So when you begin to reconsider telling your H, think of that slogan... if you don't go through the pain, you will never be able to grow either yourself or your M.

Please listen to what we are telling you here... we've all been through it!

KM