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low..
are you alone on the otherside of the world...
where american beer is now considered imported...
is it winter there??
ark It is winter...but not cold...highs in the forties...rain... I do get winter blahs and haven't been eating or exercising well lately...
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I'm a bit surprised by the topless photos thing. From all you've said, LO, she's always sounded a bit of a ...well, a sexual prude...to put it kindly. This sounds many degrees of kink out of her norm. Is it in character?
Or has she loosened up in ways that seem attractive to you?
TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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A part of me thinks she CAN cherish me...as she has before...
A part of me thinks that the playing field is now more level...that we could be equals again...
I don't know If I were you I would not be looking into the past right now...yours or hers.... She`s not cherishing you now.... And you are not e-mailing dirty pictures of yourself (or are you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) You are not on equal footing at this moment. Look at what is happening now and how you could influence the future. Do you think she would be open for some personal counselling?
BS 42
WS 39
WH ONS 04/97 and EA ???-08/00
D-day for both 08/00
-Life is 10% what you make it...90% how you take it-
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I'm a bit surprised by the topless photos thing. From all you've said, LO, she's always sounded a bit of a ...well, a sexual prude...to put it kindly. This sounds many degrees of kink out of her norm. Is it in character?
Or has she loosened up in ways that seem attractive to you?
TA If I didn't understand this phenomenon from my own affair, I would have been quite shocked. I know that I felt more free to be "risque" with OW...it's part of the fantasy. Weirdly, I don't know how to feel. Angry? Maybe...she could have done this with me...
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Hi Low - don't have much to add.
Jimmy Buffett says a tatoo is a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.
Temporary feelings come in many versions.
Think with your head. Emotions are not thinking.
WAT
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A part of me thinks she CAN cherish me...as she has before... when was "before" ? Pep I remember back after our youngest d was born when things were very good...and a few months into recovery after the A... I felt "cherished" then...
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Hi Low - don't have much to add.
Jimmy Buffett says a tatoo is a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.
Temporary feelings come in many versions.
Think with your head. Emotions are not thinking.
WAT Thanks WAT...mmmm...add to todo..."WAT says get a tattooo"
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... a few weeks here and there over how long a marriage?
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I donno .... seems to me that this immature behavior STBXW was drinking and hiding under the covers all weekend. might be a sign that she is mostly self-absorbed and self-absorbed women find it difficult to cherish someone other than herself I could be wrong Pep When my world came crashing down after ex told me of his affair, I spent a lot of time drinking and hiding under the covers. I was definitely self-absorbed but I would say that it was self-absorption borne out of pain rather than immmaturity. People in pain find it hard to act like the rational, pulled-together people they usually are. She sounds like she's hurting. But in any event, you're right, someone in a lot of pain can't cherish someone else -- at least not right now.
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Hi Low,
Maybe it's a good thing you are so far away and can give yourself more time to think. Your STBXW is in what she perceives to be a crisis right now. She needs to "get well" before she can begin working on any relationships. Take your time deciding what you want to do.
I am a believer that "with God, all things are possible," but there is no reason to rush. If you do talk to her and want to help her, advise her to get help elsewhere (which can be done in a nice way) - IC or pastor, for example. She will be o.k. You can be kind to her, but you don't have to open or shut any doors of possibility.
Pray long and think hard about trying to reconcile. You probably remember how very difficult "recovery" is. The healthier both people are when attempting to recover, the better.
God bless,
Rose
FWS-me
BS-H
Dday-8/2002
Recovering, still!
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WAT said: Think with your head. Emotions are not thinking. Low, How can you consider reconciliation with someone who is not yet whole? Give her time to become whole. She cannot love you (or anyone else) in a way you deserve and desire to be loved until she learns to love herself. We hear this all the time because it is a fundamental truth. Give her some time to pick up her pieces and put them back together again. If you cannot be around her and remain detached, it is obvious you still love her, so why not do it MB style and give yourself a good chance this time. This is not the time to be reconciling, not if she is falling apart and you cannot help but rescue her.
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I suppose I sympathize with what she's feeling right now...after my A was public...it was hard for me to show my face around town. I thought for sure that EVERYONE new how depraved I was...I wanted to stay home too...
Yes, I agree she needs help right now. I also worry about my D...as she has been in a "caretaker" role...
Perhaps I could bring them all here for a little while...
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where american beer is now considered imported... Yup...and it's expensive. Miller is brewed in SA, but it's no better than the US stuff (yech) Several good microbreweries on the Atlantic seaboard...
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Low,
I have read posts you have written and found them insightful.
I have myself done what your wife is doing, it is called depression. Do you know if she has had this sort of behavior for more than 2 weeks? She might be helped by medication. As others have said, it is her journey to take, you can suggest help, but ultimately she has to willingly follow-up. My WH went to the dr. for medication after urging from me, our sons and his youngest sister. He went on medication but never took it regularly and claims it didn't help him, go figure.
I imagine you are feeling somewhat helpless being so far away and having to rely on your daughters for their assessments of the situation.
Are you close to anyone else that could visit your wife and advise you? It would probably be best to take your daughters out of the middle of this...
Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Yes, I agree she needs help right now. I also worry about my youngest D...as she has been in a "caretaker" role...
Perhaps I could bring them all here for a little while... Perhaps just the children (for now).
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If I didn't understand this phenomenon from my own affair, I would have been quite shocked. I know that I felt more free to be "risque" with OW...it's part of the fantasy.
THIS in my opinion...is
Christ-like compassion in motion.....
ARKie
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I am withdrawing Arkie's idjut status .... Arkie is now an angel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Are you close to anyone else that could visit your wife and advise you? It would probably be best to take your daughters out of the middle of this... Oh, thank you nab...it's amazing how something so obvious gets overlooked... I'm not on close terms with my in-laws these days, but I think I can muster the gumpshun to call them and have them check on her... And I can invite both girls to come stay with me... All have been a great help
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what are you smoking.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> ark yeah my upcarrots...^^ are now wings......!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ark
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I am withdrawing Arkie's idjut status .... Arkie is now an angel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> An Ark^^angel!
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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