I am in the process of getting his number. Rather difficult, but not impossible. It takes little time. But I plan on telling him. Because I would want to know. But the fear of him leaving her without a second thought: terrifies me. But it's a risk that has to be taken, regardless if I like it or not.

Correct. She'll get all the excitement she can stand soon enough.


You don't have to compare. No contest. You can't see her integrity in the pics. Well, maybe you can by inference. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

WAT

*snort*

Hard to have integrity when your wahoo (vajayjay as Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy called it) is facing the camera in all its glory!

Absolutely correct logic on both counts.

He might leave her high and dry. Might not. We can't know and shouldn't make decisions on a guess. You do the right thing and let the cards fall where they may.

When you contact him offer information about this forum and site if he's receptive.

Be ready to send him copies of the e-mails. Many BSs go into immediate denial and refuse to believe affair stories - especially from strangers.

WAT

Wow. Ok, new scenario. What happens if OW's H shows her the emails. That will obviously expose my methods of detection... or at least that I had discovered my WH's secret email account AND hacked into it.

I know I'm asking a TON of questions and "what-ifs", but I'm trying to be prepared. I think I know how WH will react.

Sheese, anyone who sends pics of their vajayjay or johnson out on the internet is an idiot.

Too bad blackmail is illegal.

Maybe you should submit her pic to the local military wives newsletter? "Be on the lookout for this man eating beaver!"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

WAT

Bwahahaha!!!

No, you are one smart lady to want to be prepared. Very smart.

Assuming you convince the CO that this is real and he/she does his/her job, it won't matter then that your source is revealed. But you don't have to tell OW's H how you got the pictures or e-mails. Just that you have them. As far as your H is concerned, you might have gotten the info from OW's H, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ultimately, any accusations by your H that you hacked into his e-mail should be admitted. It will mean something only to him. There was a case described here recently where this "invasion of privacy" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> had some influence in a divorce settlement. This shouldn't be a concern to you. "SAHM Mom hacked into cheating Hubby's e-mail to ID affair partner" won't get him any sympathy.

WAT

Thank you everyone, for helping me with all this. I know you are asked the same questions over and over, but for someone who is having to relive this, I really appreciate the support and knowledge I'm gleaning. I went through this with my 1st xH, although NOTHING nearly as bad..... I was VERY young when we got married, and we should not have been together at all. Left that marriage gladly. XH had cheated (EA) with his mom's best friend. And I wasn't going to stick around for that. No love lost there.

This time, I thought I had chosen wisely, only to discover that I have to go through this again, and SO much worse. Because not only is is EA and PA, but because I truly LOVE my WH. And I still do.

Have you obtained a copy of Surviving An Affair? If not, please get one. Available from the bookstore on this site.

What were the circumstances of your current H's first affair. You indicate two in your sig line.

WAT

Yes, I have SAA. Been living and breathing it. Helps me to understand so much.

THe circumstances behind #1: It is OVER. He honestly hates her, and I know this beyond any shadow of a doubt. It is a non-issue at this point.

That one began when I was on bedrest last year with our 3rd child. I had been experiencing a lack of desire for WH (normal sometimes with pregnancy, and the bedrest made it worse). This OW preyed on men while TDY. She is a professional ******. She has a reputation in the squadron... and WH wasn't aware, but he fell for her tricks. That was PA only, no emotions with that one. I have confronted her and it is really over and no chance of rekindling.

ok... I exposed to CO. Very understanding. I feel as if it was the right decision... if only because WH forced me to because he wouldn't stop with OW.
CO has told me that he will keep me informed of his decisions and disciplinary actions and that it will be kept at the local level for now. Understanding that if these two do NOT stop, then it will go above and worse consequences will happen.

When will the meeting take place? Tomorrow or Thursday. Again, I will be notified. And I have said that while I've never been abused, that that will be the only time I will be concerned about what WH will do in reaction to the exposure.

Yes, I'm scared. Pray...

Wow, very excellent! Terrific job!

I have to admit I didn't think you'd do it this quickly.

You have my admiration.

What evidence did you turn over?

Now the ball's in the CO's court, but put on your pristine Plan A face. Hugs your kids and be the best you you can be.

And stand by for a fire storm. It IS coming.

Do not deny that you went to the CO if he asks. Practice your mantra, "I did what I had to do to attempt to salvage our marriage for our family. There is nothing I want more than for you, me and the kids to stay together and be as happy as we can be."

He will say something to the effect, "Well, you've really ruined it NOW! I was all set to end it and now you've ruined it! There is NO WAY we can rebuild after what you've done!!!"

They all say that. They HAVE to. You are the scapegoat and it's all your fault, OK? It can't be their fault, right?

Expect this and do not get sucked in to his trap. When in doubt, say nothing.

Keep posting and ask questions. I suggest you start a new thread to get some attention. Title it, "Exposed BOTH WH and OW to their Commanding Officer" or something like that. Ooooo, how 'bout, "Exposed WH, OW and her exposure of her vajayjay." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Again, good job.

WAT

WillSurvive -

WAT shot me an email and told me about your story. I've been away on business so I'm sorry it took so long for me to find you and offer support and/or help.

Reading this post has brought me to my knees. I can see my story in your story and I am so proud that you have exposed so quickly. I wish I had listened to WAT A LOT sooner than I did. I could've saved myself a great deal of pain.

I would say that you should prepare yourself for the CO to really keep this thing as local as possible...meaning he (or she) will keep this information to himself and deal with the situation within his command until he has no other choice. I doubt seriously it will need to escalate to another level as he has the ability to put enough pressure on them both to put an end to this.

I would suggest that you request a change in duty station ASAP. The CO should understand this request and if it is at all possible this will be the person to make that change.

I read that you had reviewed many of my posts but I thought it might help to provide some background details. My H met OW while attending a school where she was an instructor. Her unit had an opening and he applied for that position. She pushed for him to be selected for the position as she would soon be promoted and be his boss. So he moved me and our 2 children to her neighborhood at a new post. That's the 'elevator pitch'. That was almost 3 years ago. He left her unit about a year after we transfer'd. About 2 months ago we relocated to an entirely new base. I can honestly say that while I believe recovery began the day I exposed....the healing started the day we arrived on this base.

If you stay on this board and learn from those that have walked this path before you....you WILL SURVIVE this.


****It's good to see you are still out here WAT! ****

This is how I exposed. WH hasn't been confronted yet by CO, so I expect that to happen tomorrow. I was also just waiting on the email that went out tonight from WH to confirm my suspicions about where he was this morning. Yes... there.

I called the CO's wife and approached as a friend that had a suspicion. She said that if it were her, she'd tell CO. So, I ultimately told her what happened and that I had proof. Did I want her to talk to her H? Yes... and he called me back in about 5-10 minutes. I told him everything. EVERYTHING. It was a God thing for me not to have to go in to do this. The squadron is small that something like that would be noticed. Anyway...

I told what evidence I had and that I felt that WH had gone to OW's apt this morning, although he'd told me he had to go to the gym. I told him about BOTH A's. I also was VERY clear in my desire to keep it at the local level and not have it affect his career, unless he continued. Did I fear for my safety? Not right now, but YES once the disciplinary meeting occurred. And he has promised to keep me informed of anything that happens. He has asked that I hold onto all proof until he needs it. I even told him that I had pictures of OW naked. I've let him know that I was VERY worried about how WH will react when it all comes down.

A friend, who now is aware of the situation, also has a H that is in the sq. She is a reservist that spends her active duty time in that sq and has seen both OW and how WH gets when he's had too much to drink AND is angry. She has expressed concern over my safety. So, I think I'll have some backup the day (I'm assuming tomorrow) that this all comes down.

So, the email from tonight makes plans for the morning.

I believe that if recovery is to happen, then THIS is what will make it so.

WHY did I do it now? Because in an email from yesterday or the day before WH promised OW not to have sex with me because it made HER jealous. That told me immediately that he was letting her have TOO much control of MY life. So, I spent a lot of time on the MB today gathering knowledge and courage to do this. WH still lies to me about contacting her. And I know that the oNLY way that he would stop... was to expose him at this level. I cried the entire time.

I think that I have become physically ill because of the dread and anticipation of how he'll react. I'm packing him a bag after he leaves tomorrow and it will be ready for him when he comes home in a rage.

The worst part is the timing. My oldest s is coming home from a summer visit with his dad on Thursday, maybe Friday. He's going to be thrown into the midst of all this immediately. He's almost 13, so this is going to blow his mind. But... I can't continue to live like I have been. The emails didn't stop. And I've dropped nearly 18 pounds in a month due to the stress. But, I'm more than scared.

The more I think on it, I know he will be reacting irrationally when he comes home. He will NOT be in full control of his actions and if someone is here with me, then he will be less likely to strike me, if that were his reaction. Yes, I believe that he MIGHT do that. But I'll have someone, maybe a male, be here, just in case.

But his fantasy world is about to shatter, and he has NO idea. The email tonight broke my heart. Told her that he'd had the final straw with me (I'm guessing because I wanted to know exactly where he'd been because of the time... and that it didn't make sense to me with the workout schedule he had). So, tomorrow... Plan B, if he leaves. I'm pretty sure he will.

heroswife: I would request a change in base, but it isn't an option. Really. I know, it could be, but she is the one who is easier for the military to move.

OH! And I forgot to mention that CO told me that he will make SURE she is deployed very soon after her promotion (1st Lt) next week. She will be sent to Iraq for 6 months. And this information just insured that. And it makes me kind of laugh that the two of them have NO idea that she is to be deployed.

I'm scared. Terrified. I'm thinking of asking friends to stay with me until the worst of the storm passes. And that one friend will let me stay at her place while she is out of town, in case I needed to.

Pray HARD for us. I told CO that I wanted to stay married to WH. Desperately. So, he knows everything.

It's in GOd's hands now. And the CO's.

Here is the letter I've written in preparation for Plan B. I expect that to be put into motion this week, if WH decides to leave. I've also posted this on the Plan a/B forum.

My dearest WH,


I love you with all my heart, and over the course of 7 wonderful years of marriage, I've tried to show that to you. Especially in this last month when we were faced with our most difficult obstacle. I've endured some terrible hurt this month and I've seen that you have been unwilling to let OW go and truly work on our marriage. Because of these actions, your unwillingness to remove yourself from that relationship entirely, I am forced to separate myself from you and your prescence and ANY contact whatsoever so I can preserve any remaining love I have for you.

Even though this is the worst thing we could have had happen to us, I am still willing to stay married to you. I believe in what we had and, I believe, is still there although we can't feel it right now. I believe that we can get beyond this horrible experience and move forward. But you have to be willing and I believe you aren't right now.

I know I allowed things to happen in our marriage. That the weight left by the two pregnancies wasn't desirable to you and I didn't actively pursue trying to get that off. I know that our home wasn't spotless, but while it was clean, it could have been better. I am truly sorry for allowing other things fill the time that I should have left for you. I neglected you in my own pursuits of scrapbooking and volunteering. I have made active changes in all areas to show that I am willing to devote myself to you and become what you need, what our marriage needs. All these changes are for the better. They do not change who I am. I can be your everything. I can be your perfect woman as you once thought me to be. I will continue to try to be everything that you need and have ever wished for me to be. But I am still the happy girl you married.

This affair has opened my eyes, and I realize how precious love is and how important our marriage is.I know that we can rebuild what we have lost into something stronger and longer lasting. I know that we can learn to meet each other's needs fully and because of that, we can be happier than we ever were before. Before this, we were content, but not really "happy". We allowed ourselves to fall into a routine that didn't include each other. Because we know better now, we can make sure we spend good, quality time together in the future. And we'll be better parents for it.

As for contacting me, I cannot allow that whatsoever. I would appreciate no phone calls, no emails, nothing in order for me to heal and protect what I feel for you. As for the boys, I will hope that you would like to spend time with them and we can make arrangements through (named friends). You will pick the boys up at one of those places and drop them there. At this time, I will plan for about 6-8 hours every other Saturday, unless you require more. Any communication can be made through (friends) and I will work things out. In regards to money, we need you to continue making payments on bills and the house. I will need $50 a week for gas and $300 every payday for groceries and household needs. Also, in order to help maintain a sense of normalcy for the children, I am asking that you also allot $100-$150 minimum a payday for entertainment purposes for the kids.

If you wish to make our marriage work, you are aware of what needs to happen. There cannot be any contact with OW whatsoever. Never. No phone calls, no emails, no meeting for lunch, no leaving early to meet her, nothing at ALL. The only contact with her that I will require from you to her is a written letter to her that states that you love me, you love our children, that you intend on making our marriage work by never seeing her again. State that you cannot see her or talk to her in any form or fashion ever again. This letter will have to be approve by me and sent by me. Since working with her has caused this problem, I require that either you leave the squadron or she does. I know that this is difficult, but not impossible. If this is a move to another city, that is fine and we can make that happen. I believe that these actions will help prevent any further contact with PW forever and it is vital to our recovery of our marriage and relationship.I know that this is very hard for you and I have offered and will continue to offer my support and understanding as you make these changes.

Again, please do not try to talk to me. Until the above conditions are met and OW has left our lives for good, then you cannot be allowed back into my arms. This is terribly painful for me to endure and I cannot accept any less in order for us to grow as husband and wife. I believe that you CAN overcome this. You have to choose to do so.

WH, please know that I love you. You are the love of my life. It has always been you. Always will be you. All that I have done, even though you may hate me right now for how I've done it, has been for us to survive this as man and wife. I know that you still love me and that no matter what happens, I am happy that we loved each other overwhelmingly. It is that love that I remember that gives me hope in US.God allowed you to be a part of my life and I know He doesn't want you to continue in the paths that you have placed yourself. I intend on staying married to you and still have plans to grow old with you. I love you to the depths of my soul. With all of my body. I am yours and have been for the last 9 years. We still have a wonderful story to write together and a marriage worth saving. I love you, my darling.

Your adoring and devoted wife,
(willsurvive)

Willsurvive,

I just read through your post and it w/b a good idea to keep support close by or with you. Your son is coming home soon, how are you and the other children doing? Alert even the neighbors.

Don't assume. Be safe not sorry.

As for your plan B letter, it is a bit long for a WS to read. Especially a raging one.

Hold off a bit. Let his rage cool off. You need him t/b able to read your letter and it may give you time to cut it down a bit.

Remember you are writing to a WS and your H. Make sure you are not apologizing to a Ws. Make sure you are telling your H you love him and not the WS.

Not all agree with my POV but I have found that when I plan A my H and plan B the WS, I get better results. After all I don't want a WS in my home thinking it is ok for him t/b WS.

JMHO,
L.

Willsurvive - Chiming in a little late but, like your name says - you will survive and become stronger through this - adversity tests people's metal and from what I read, you're pretty tough, keep it up. Your quote above is your boundary, keep it in mind like you have.

Good on ya for telling the CO! He needs to know about your WH and this OW b/c this sort of thing affects morale, unit cohesion, breaks down team work and also is an important indicator of their trustworthiness or not. People who can't uphold their promises and integrity in their personal lives have no business being entrusted with our nation's classified material, weapons or lives of others (IMHO). Interesting that this OW was getting promoted to 1LT, this A is probably another behavior or indicator to her CO that she shouldn't be promoted again in the future. Getting deployed also, nice news.

On financial support - Your WH is obligated, by the UCMJ, to provide adequate support for his dependents - you and the kids. Usually there is a formula that calculates the level of support if there's not a court agreement yet. A person can't just get up a leave w/out meeting their obligations. He should know this and not use it as a valid threat to remain w/ you and continue to see her.

Also, not sure if your were successful in exposing to OWH but you need to do so when you find him. Your WH may give you all sorts of reasons not to but do it anyway.

Hope this helps,
V/r,
No way

I strongly recommend you allow him to make the decision to leave, if he does.

Don't "force" him to leave. He will surely use that in his defense in the blame shifting dance. Further, it's tougher to Plan A when you're separated.

If he decides to leave, that's when you take control with Plan B. Plan B translated says, "You decided to separate. I'm deciding to STAY separated until you meet my conditions." See the difference?

WAT