My WH told me last night that he is never coming home. He said he will never change, never get help and never get better. He just likes the drugs too much. Also he can never forgive himself for what he's done to me. He says it's over. I am devestated. I feel like I can't even breathe.

Where are you in the MB process? If you haven't gone to Plan B yet....perhaps it's time to end contact so that you don't lose hope over the fogbabble of an alien.

(((((((((((((((((((((LH))))))))))))))))))))))

(((LosingHim)))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, I was doing plan A but my WH has a drug addiction. I've been told that the MB principles don't work on an addict and he refuses to get help. Thanks for the hugs!

That's even more reason to go to Plan B chere. Plan B is the only process on MB that is protective enough to use for infidelity/abuse/addictions/severe neglect. If you continue to interact with someone who is addicted to drugs, and an OW....you will lose all respect and love for him. End contact before that happens. Be specific about what behaviors will need to end before contact between the two of you can resume (drug rehap, period of sobriety, ending the affair, etc.) The person you're losing right now is not "him"....it's an addicted alien that only looks like him. If the real him emerges once the drugs are out of his system....he'll know where to find you. It's hard to let someone you love fail....but get yourself to narc-anon and learn how to stop enabling him and to detach in a healthy way.

We're right here chere.....I'm so sorry you're hurting!

Thanks star*fish. I have no choice but to do a plan B. He is pretty much saying no contact because he says it is over. The only time we will have contact is when we have to discuss finances, which will be very little. He just does not want to get help.

Contact over finances should be done ideally through a mediator....if that's impossible....email only....business only...no chit chat...just the bare bones.

My heart aches for you. Please consider posting your Plan B letter here and get some input. Have you already separated finances? Any kids? custody issues?

He doesn't want help, he doesn't want to change.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

Its so hard, and I hurt for you. But there is nothing you can do except for yourself. Be good to you. Plan B and remove yourself from the chaos. Make plans for yourself. Focus on you, not him.

I don't understand how I can do a plan B when he is the one that wants it over. He is not going to call me to shoot the breeze I'm sure. He just wants to get on with this. Although when I asked him if he wanted a divorce he said "I don't know??!!" Why wouldn't he if it's over?

We have no children and the finances could be easily separated except for the house.

Because he's a mess, and he doesn't really know what he wants.

That's why Plan B is a good suggestion. It is unhealthy to be living with his constant indecision... to be in a constant state of questioning is not good for you.

If he wants it to be over, let him file (he most likely won't.) Go to Plan B to protect yourself, your sanity and the love you have left for this man.

He doesn't know what he wants....he's just babbling. You take the lead....take the offensive....throw him off guard and define what no contact with you IS...and why you're going to stick to it. Once you stop chasing him....don't be a bit surprised if the roles reverse. Stop talking about DIVORCE!! Unless that's what you want. If he wants to divorce you....let him file while you remain peaceful and detached.

But I'm wondering if this is the end of the babble because we have been separated for 9 months. He has always said either "I don't know what I want" or "I want to get back together someday" This is the first time he is telling me point blank "it's over."

Not me! I don't want a divorce. I want reconciliation.

Protect your finances, talk about finances only through a mediator or lawyer, tell him that you are not going to talk to him in his state, that when he changes his mind and attitude about his addiction and your realtionship that you will talk to him, and then let him go so that he can hit rock bottom. You have probably been more of a stabalizing influence than you think. Pray about it first, but I would say that you should remove yourself as a source of security for him. You can remove yourself by letting him know, in no uncertain terms that you are out of the picture for him until he changes. I agree with not filing for a D and making him do it. If he has drug trouble, though, talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself from liability should he run up bills or get in a wreck that's his fault or goodness knows what, and then leave you holding the financial bag. (((LosingHim)))

WH and I discussed some of our finances today. I kept it completely about finances which seemed to surprise him. As we are getting ready to hang up he says to me "Just call me anytime you need me. Call for anything you need. I will be here." This is as he is crying! Why would I call him for anything I need if he says beyond a shadow of a doubt "IT"S OVER!" Hmmm, I'm thinking more fog talk.

I tell you what. Since my WH has said it is over I have stopped checking on his every move. It is so freeing! I have a little peace now. I suppose that's what plan B is a lot about. Can you guys help me do a plan B letter for my sitch?

*bump*

Any suggestions for the plan B letter?

LH - before the Plan B letter I recommend you get a real, binding agreement on the finances - including who's paying the mortgage and any other financial obligations.

Is legal separation available in your state/province/whatever?

Do you have a lot of equity in your home?

Otherwise, stop taking what he says literally. Bottom line, don't believe anything, good or bad.

Also, do you have any children with him?

No children. I'm not sure if a legal sep is available in NJ. I'll have to check on that. He plans on paying all the bills and he has so far. We have been seperated for 9 months now and he hasn't burned me with money yet. I'm not saying he never will but so far he has been ok. We don't have much equity in our house at all. If sold we could pretty much pay off our debts with nothing left to spare.

Plan B letter? Anyone?

Here's a thread that has tons of sample Plan B letters ...
Hope this helps.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Thanks AmIok!