I am still shell shocked by learning that my wife had and is still having an affair with an old friend/lover of hers. She said that out of the 11 years that we have been married. 8 years i had chipped away at her love by pushing her away, by trying to win arguments and the straw that broke the camels back was the quarrel that we had about how to discipline our 5 y.o. son.

I made a mess of things by saying that i am not her father and i cant earn enough for her and to leave me alone.

she did. emotionally. although we are under the same roof, she doesnt want me to touch her and sometimes she has outburst. she really look depressed one minute then angry the other.

I made the mistake of calling her lover and told him to leave us alone. that made matters worse.

Now she says that she doesnt trust me and she says that she KNOWS that i dont trust her. Even though i said i do.

she doesnt trust men anymore she said. Doesnt want to get counselling. and she wants to deal with things in her own time.

i am trying to put plan"A" into effect. but i am not sure of the time span and what to do.

please help.

nc -

All of this garbage that your WW is spewing is standard, delusional wayward talk. Don't take ANY of it to be true. She wants you to accept responsiblity for her poor choices so that she can justify what she's doing to you and your family.

Don't talk to the OM, don't talk to her about the relationship. Let her know that you are in this marriage for the long-haul and you're ready to work on being happy together once she quits her A.

You're going to get lots of calls from posters to expose the affair. Have you read enough on these boards to know what that means? And what to do? Have you read all the Harley articles on this site? Order Surviving an Affair right away and read it cover-to-cover. It's going to be your guide for ending your WWs affair and recovering your marriage.

Hello nc007,
Welcome to MB.

I'm sorry you find yourself where you are now.
Many on this board have been there, so have I, and I can relate to your pain and confusion right now.

But you are fortunate to have found MB at this point. You obviously have read up on plan A. Have you read anything about fog on this discussion forum? It seems that all those who betray their partners, tell similar things - I need time to deal with this, our M has been in trouble for X years... Even when you cannot see this.

Stick to plan A. Read up on this site. If you need to vent, to get it out of your system - do it here, or find a good counselor, or go for a work out in the gym: but do not blow up in front of her. It will only fuel her feelings of "oh, see, our M really isn't working".

Take your time to evaluate things and to learn about how the mind of a WS (Wayward Spouse) works, and what you can do to get yourself & your family through this crisis.

Yep, you definitely need to be in Plan "a". The time span should be set by you......3 months, 6 months......so that you don't feel like a doormat, make sure you set up the amount of time, and mark it on a calendar of some sort....although you may come to the end of your rope sooner, at least you'll know that your Plan Aing will not be indefinite.

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair"? If not, do so immediately.

I would suggest downloading the "emotional needs" questionnaire....I wouldn't even try to have her fill it out, as she sounds hostile, and will most likely reject it, so just make an educated guess as to what her top 3 needs are and concentrate on those. If she is willing to fill it out, then so much the better.....but those in the fog may not fill the questionnaire out truthfully......mostly because they are blame shifting, and re-writing history and will be of the attitude..."You didn't care about this for 11 years.........WHY NOW?"

Counseling will do no good while she is still in the "A" so drop that, also drop all relationship talk. I wouldn't bring up the OM unless she is seriously overstepping your boundaries and disrespecting you.

Just concentrate on working on you, and filling her needs.

I'm sure she's given you some "clues" as to what was missing.........so try to figure it out.

Plan A confuses the heck out of the WS, they don't know what to think, they're being HORRIBLE to you, and in return you are being wonderful.....it begins to crack the bubble of fantasy around the "A".

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

man i am sooo greatful for all the advice. Today i called her because she wants to do the degree programme in marketing and i got a massive loan from my boss to help her through this. Her response is that "what if we dont work out? i dont want to owe you"

i replied "no strings attached..i am proud of you and you are special"

because of her stress. she is experiencing "infection problems" and i told her to get a heatlh checkup. Her reply?

"You think i have AIDS?"

my reply was " ill share it with you"

she replied "yes sir" (not in an threatening way)

i dont know why i love her so much

Is her not wanting to be hugged normal? or only to accept a kiss on the cheek?

sometimes i feel sooo miffed that she withholds sexually (i dont approach her about it)yet she goes out on lunch date with her "friend"

its not fun hugging your pillow.

is it ok for a man to cry constantly about this for over a month?

i feel very deeply about her. First love.

sometimes i just want to go out there and have sex with my girl"friends" from the office.maybe that will numb my pain.

yet i fear God.


is it ok to blog my daily interaction here? maybe it will serve as i guide or inspiration for future unfortunates.

Never leave God out of the picture.

thanks guys.

NO! NO! NO! Two wrongs won't make it right. Besides, you won't be any different than her. So DO NOT sacrifice/compromise your self-respect and dignity just to numb the pain. You'll still have to look at yourself in the mirror.

EXPOSE, if you haven't. Exposure will kill the A. Expose the A to the OM's friends/contacts. You have a better shot at working your M.

nc007...

Yes, all the things that you are experiencing are very normal in these situations...Yes, it is okay for you to "blog" your daily experiences here...You are safe here...We understand and will do all that we can to help you through this...

Give us a few more details about the affair...When did you find out? How did you find out? How long has it been going on? Is the OM(other man) married? Does he live nearby? Does your wife work with him? Anything that you can tell us will help us to help you...Do her parents know? Do yours know? Friends? Give us all that you can...

Do not try to educate your wife right now about MB or infidelity in general, that will prove to be an exercise in futility...Let this be your safe place for now where you will develop your battle plan to effectively kill this affair and get you on the road to recovery...

I am a FWW, so I understand where your wife's head is right now...I'll help you all that I can...My husband, Mr. Wondering, also reads and posts on this site...You may also encounter him and his assistance...

Exposure is going to be your next step as well as your most powerful weapon to end this affair...This board is phenomenal at advising you along that path...Again, give us what you can and we will proceed from there...Wear a helmet buddy, this stuff is tough, but you will make it...We are here to help you do just that...

Mrs. Wondering

OMGOD........thanks so much!!!!!

now she just called sounding happy from the parlor. and later i know that she will be depressed.

still accepting calls from the OM. whenever it not hom she goes out of her way to tell me about who and what they wanted. Is this an OK sign? or am i reading too much into this?

so want this nightmare for me and my child to end.

Who should i tell?

i dont know much about his family.

i know he has a daughter :age 20

has a current live-in common law wife of 12 years that he told joan that he would not leave my wife for.

guess thats why she said she hate all men.

yet she speaks to him on the cell phone.

she says i am not in the picture and she doesnt feel anything for me ? is this true?

then why doesnt she get a devorce?

she doesnt want one.

all she says she has is her son love (5 yrs.)

she doesnt even know what love is.

i am hopelessly in love with my wife.

am i wong to feel so?

now i am confused.

Anyone that has influence over your WW...When you do this, you explain that you are trying to save your marriage and love your wife very much...Ask for their help in assisting you with this goal...You want to do exposure all in one fell swoop so that it has it's maximum impact on the infidels and exerts pressure on them to end the affair...Affairs are dirty little secrets and do not survive the light of day...When you expose you cause much chaos in fantasyland and the relationship that was built on a foundation of sand will crumble...


These are both PRIME EXPOSURE TARGETS...Can you find out how to reach them?


Don't let this worry you...Trust NOTHING that she tells you right now...she may look and sound like your wife, but that AIN'T your wife...A WW is like an alien and the things that they say are what we call here "Fog Babble"...She is going to behave like a crack addict trying to get her fix(the OM)...Try as best you can to ignore the hurtful things that she says...


Actually this may be a good thing for you...Do you have access to the cell phone account??? Go online and see...He may have called your WW from home at some point and that's a way to get his girlfriend's phone number...His GF can be your strongest ally in ensuring no contact between your WW and OM...


Again, this is all fog babble...And she doesn't want a divorce because right now she is cake eating...Exposure can stop this madness...


Protect your son from her all that you can...WWes almost always demonstrate themselves to be poor mothers as they go in search of their next fix...


I know that you love your wife and are confused...That is more than understandable when something of this magnitude is happening...Dr. Harley has likened it to rape...I'm truly sorry that you find yourself here...But this can be done...Your marriage is VERY SALVAGABLE at this point...don't lose hope...Courage is in the doing...Now, let's start getting the control back of your life and get cracking with exposure...nc007, whatever you do, do NOT threaten your wife with exposure...you never threaten it, you simply do it...Forewarned is Forearmed and they will paint you to be some jealous lunatic and you will have rendered your most powerful weapon useless...Don't make a move without coming here for advice first...We will walk you through this...Again, you will be okay...

Mrs. W

NC007

""Now she says that she doesnt trust me and she says that she KNOWS that i dont trust her.""

Uuummm, well, yeah I don't trust you!! Whadayathink?

""is it ok for a man to cry constantly about this for over a month?""

It is OK, BUT not in front of WW. No woossy boy ever won fair maid.

She doesn't trust men, hates men, but still goes out for nooners with OM? She is totally mixed up.

Good come back on the loan for the marketing dealio...good validation and praise.

Bad come back on the "do you think I have AIDS" dealio...I will contract it with you??? iky.

krk

thought that she would realize that my love would cover any taint she thought she had (share AIDS) i know she doesnt have it.positive about that.


Last night after the parlor pick up. I told her about my boss wanting to make me a Web Manager for the Company. I also said to her i realize that as long as i dont have the certification papers saying that i can do this, i wont be paid.

WW response: "Wow who did you listen to now after all these years?"(dripping with sarcasm)

my reply: Your words..they finally connect. pity it took so long"

later at home we watched a comedy and i turned in early. Remembering that my son had swimming today; asked her if he has shorts

WW answer: "What kind of question is that?!(said with disdain)

my reply: You dont need to sound like that (no shouting)

she didnt reply.

later on seeing her she said:"You think you are better than me huh?"
think i am some ****** that you can talk to me like a child?"

i said sorry and that was never my intention.
WW said "whatever.it doesnt matter"
my reply"Yes it does.i care about how you feel"
WW said"i dont care. you can slap me or kick me i dont care"

WHAT!!!...i was stunned, why would she think this.

i replied : "i have NEVER done that and i am not going to start. i am in this for the long haul."

WW said "whatever.it doesnt matter"
i replied : "i care about you" then went to bed.

This morning i cut a rose from the garden and placed it beside her tea and woke her with a kiss.hugged her and said i love you.

now have i overdone it? do i call her at work and say hi like i have been doing for the past 6 weeks?

Dr. Harley did say some fog need lifting.

she really looked stressed.

Ms. Wondering.Caren.Krusht.Stargazelily.Brownhair.****** ANYBODY.......please help me to see where her head space is at now.

nuff luv.

What do i do when she walks around the house and i desire to make love to her what do i do?

is it normal for them not wanting you to touch them?

i burn with anger when i think this man can make her laugh and might do other things and i cant!

its hard to stay pure...especially when the other party look like they dont care.

why does she keep refering to herself as a ******? Why did she say she doesnt care what anybody thinks.If she wants to deal with all the men in the city that her business.

Please remind me where MY headspace needs to be at.

Is it OK to feel better one minute then like someone pushed their hand into your chest and ripped your heart out?.

i am crying on the inside. its so damn painful.

can i dimm the searing pain somehow?

help please...........

nc007..
I think your wife really is a decent person..
who is doing something "indecent" now (to say the least)..
so she might be scared you'd hurt her
because she feels she's "bad"
but like a child that wants cookies from the cookie jar, she'll look for excuses..

don't pay attention to what she says just now
stick to your plan A

My H had an A with my best friend: I felt like H stuck a knife in my heart, and OW/BF a knife in my back..
But time does heal.
Hang in there.
Are there people you can talk to?
Confide in ?

Is it ok to email her daily about you missing her and how special she is?


called her a second ago and she sounded depressed. I asked her whats up and she said whats there to be chirpy about. i replied life, our child and hope.

asked if i was going to preached to her.

nope.

told her to call me if she needed anything.

am i going ok?

should i call her less?

what.