I'm encouraging my wife to try posting here. To try to put some of her thoughts and feeling down for others to hear and offer advice.

She is feeling very isolated and alone. Her desire to return to her place of work is a constant issue of argument for us. I feel it would put our family in danger and I cannot agree to it as long as the FOM is there. But I know how much she loved the work. This issue has caused enough conflict in us that I have come to the point of leaving the home twice now. I fear if the cycle continues, we will regret where it takes us.

I try to be as kind and nice as I can, but I sense resentment in her sometimes and I worry. I hope she can post here and put some of her thoughts down for you guys to offer support.

She is new to the site and the concepts, so please keep that in mind.

Welcome Mrs Sun

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

or ... would you prefer to be called Mrs Dog?

.... It takes awhile to get the hang of this place ...

so...

welcome

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What kinda beer does sundoggie like?

Or is he a weiner dog?

Welcome.

WAT

Welcome to Mrs. Sundog. Is there any possibility that she can get another job that she will learn to love?

I don't know any of the particulars of her job, but I do know what it is like to really love a job.

Hi, I'm the spouse of Sundog. It is true that I feel very alone and isolated. Since all of the trouble finally came up to light,(I had an emotional affair with somebody that works in the same field) my spouse told me that I could find in him a friend to talk to. However, every time that I mention how devastated I am about not going back to my place of work, he gets very defensive. He sees it as the place where "your affair happened". I don't agree. It is an extense complex, I don't even have a located office by the FOM. He believes that if I go back to my work it'd mean temptation. He is giving me two options to choose from: work or family. It is very hard for me to give up the right to choose where to work. I came into this marriage with the best of intentions and I put A LOT of work and energy into it. My spouse however, was for years absent from it in many ways. Would often leave the home if asked to communicate with me, and let me down in crucial times of our life as a married couple (when my child was born with a dangerous and rare disease, he told came to tell me one day that he wanted to leave us, that it was too much to handle for him, that was a bucket of ice water to me) Since then I could not feel that same about him. Now I feel like the mischivious child who is being punished. I don't believe this is fair at all.
I will welcome some advice.

Well, coming from the other side of this, I can see how he would feel triggered by mention of your work place, since that is where the affair happened.

Also, if you read on the home page here about how affairs should end, and getting to the point of having a better marriage than BEFORE the affair, they suggest that there should be no contact forever between the affair partners.

You and your husband have gone through a lot with your son's illness. I hope he is continuing to do well. Often the sickness or loss of a child means the end of a marriage.

Can you ever see yourself being happy with another job? What in particular did you like about this job? I can see how you would feel you are being punished.

Have you gone together to a good counselor about issues dealing with the stress? As a mom, I would feel the same way you do, if my husband ever said anything like that to me.

Do you have any other support to get through all of this?

Hi Mrs S, welcome to MB. I'm an FWW (which means I'm the one who had the A).

When you're on your deathbed do you think you'll wish you'd always stayed at your work or do you think family will be more important. It's an old cliche but a true one.

I left a job and people I LOVED because the OM was a client and there was a chance he could come in to the office. He didn't even work at the same place. I thought I'd miss my job and the people but I now have a better job and still stay in touch with the friends I made at my old job.

I take it that your EA started at work so it obviously ISN'T a safe place even if you don't work in proximity. There is a reason for moving jobs and it isn't a selfish reason on Sundog's part - it's to protect YOU from temptation. It is also to build up trust between you and Sundog and to show that you are putting your family before your job (which should be applicable to everyone not just people recovering from A's).

When Sundog reacted as he did to your child's illness (which I'm very sorry about by the way) it was not an untypical reaction from a man. It's a shame you both didn't have the skills to deal with your lack of communication and drawing apart. I don't mean that you're not good at being married, I mean that if you both learn how to deal with each other, the temptation to turn to someone else is unlikely.

It's often brought up by people who have A's that their spouse did this or did that. It doesn't excuse turning to someone else and it never will. So many times on MB, people say "why didn't you discuss it, why did you have an A instead." Great in hindsight but it doesn't seem to become clear to people who have A's until after the event or after they find MB.

Hope I've helped Mrs S.

BTW, did you have counselling after your child was born. It doesn't sound like you did or you would both be aware of the likely reactions from both of you.

Welcome! It's great to have you here! I don't have much time now to post but I will come back and check in with you later!

Welcome Mrs S.

In a marriage affected by an affair there are always issues on both sides. Sundog's treatment of you was most probably reprehensible. Your choice to have an affair likewise.

The consequences of adultery are nasty. Unfortunately for you, your workplace is now no longer a safe place to be for you, your husband or your marriage.

My wife's affair was with a neighbour - we moved a great personal expense. You do what you have to do.

Welcome to MB. We love former WW's here. You will find here all the help support friendship and love you need to get through this.

HI, again, I would like to second bigkahuna's: "You will find here all the help support friendship and love you need to get through this."

It's like finding a second family to me!

Mrs.Sundog, I look forward to talking with you more...my FWH told me a long time ago that he felt I forced him into having another child...that really hit me like a ton of bricks and I carried that resentment for years...He said he never wanted a second child but now that he was here he wouldn't give him up...I was so lonely during my pregnancy. I knew he was treating me diffently but didn't know why...I ended up having a ONS with a friend of his because of the way I was feeling...Lonely...the weight of the world on me...

You must have had a rough time with your situation...I hope that you're child is well...look forward to hearing more from you!

You must be a woman of strenght?

Hi Rinderella,
Thank you first of all for writing to me. I am sorry about your feeling so lonely about your pregnancy. Unfortunately, that was my case as well. My spouse was awfully distant from me when I was pregnant. Refused to do much with me. Then our son was born with this rare disease. I suffered very much because of this, but only from seing my husband so distant, so unwillingly to be with us, not only while my son's crisis, but on a daily basis... then his threat to leave us, a lot of apathy from his side regarding our son's disease... then I just disconnected. I tried to take him to therapy, he would slam the door and leave for the night, he did this quite a few times. I never knew where he spent these nights, he was not willing to open up to me, not to discuss the issues related to our son's disease, or any other topics, period. He was gone but living at home with us. It was very difficult. I focussed on finding a cure for our son, and I am proud to say that he is cured now and doing very well. But despite of having such happiness within me regarding my son, I feel so hurt and so much resentment... it was not right to turn to OM for emotional support, but that's the way it happened and at that moment it did not feel wrong. My husband would not talk to me and refuse to communicate, I can't be blamed completely, I was living in ******, terrified of being abandomned by spouse one day, with a very sick child and far far away from any relatives.
I gotta go now but I'll be back. Thank you everyone that wrote me back with their insight.

Mrs S, I doubt very much it was apathy. It was probably that he just didn't know how to deal with it and was as overwhelmed as you but didn't know how to tell you that.

Mothers give birth and accept their children unconditionally. Men are a bit more removed and see their children as reflections of themselves. I would bet he was as devestated as you but had no idea, as a man, how to express that. Men are expected to be strong and deal with anything, when they can't they withdraw.

A good counsellor would have told you all this.

I really do understand your resentment and I bet the FOM was sensitive and listened and it would have been very appealing and very attractive. Don't forget, he was removed from the situation and it didn't hurt him in any way to lend a sympathetic ear.

My H withdrew totally after his parents died within 6 months of each other and 6 months after my father died. Good counselling after my A showed me how I could have approached him and reached out to him.

Good to hear from you again. I suggest counseling too. Also, if you like to read, a good book is the Grief Recovery Handbook.

In the book, the author talks about the difference between how a man and woman deal with loss. The author was divorced after the death of a baby. He didn't know how to "fix it", and so he withdrew and left his wife to deal on her own.

I can understand why you were so attracted to the OM. It must have been terrifying for you to feel like you were facing it alone.

I'm very happy your son is cured. I've been praying for him for a long time. I was in Seattle the same time you were.

By the way, I would still like to hear more about your job, and what it is that you miss about it.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's nice to know that someone else felt the distance that i did at such a beautiful time in life. I'm am so excited that your son is well, now it's time to heal you don't you think?

No, you are not the blame for everything, but knowing your part of the problem is half the battle. Before you can work on healing the M (marriage), it might be a good idea to heal you. Have you thought about IC? I think that you have already identified some great things to help you...fear of abondonment, you felt you had no emotional support, a lack of communication...Did you speak up? Did you ask questions? Did you retreat in order to protect you? Did you share your fears? Did he share his?

You said "I feel so hurt and so much resentment... "

Boy, I was filled with the same emotions...felt like I had to do everything by myself...like I didn't have a choice in the matter...I withdrew when I should have put my best foot forward...but I was scare of using my voice...scare of my H's reaction...I didn't want to face his anger...

You said that he would leave and you didn't know where he was...what did you think? I always think the worse...

He wouldn't open up to you... LOL I'm still working on that one...it's creating a safe environment for you and H to feel disrespected...accepting his truth as his, not trying to change or impose your views...just listening...and him doing the same...Do you feel respected when you speak? Do you feel understood, accepted, acknowledged...heard?

You can do this...I see a strong woman who's faced a great deal of turmoil...love is a choice...Do you want to love again? Do you want an A-proof M?

I had a terrible time letting go of all that resentment and anger forward DH...it's not long that I'm living without it...I realized it wasn't hurting him...it was hurting me...How could I be happy with all of that anger and resentment inside? What was I teaching my kids by holding on to grudges?

Mrs.Sun...I was so anger with DH, I yelled all the time at the kids, all the time...I'm ashamed of how my kids were affected by my choices...I felt like I couldn't be anger with him, I wouldn't let myself...I was fearful of him leaving too...the hurt was so deep...I would wake up angry with DH...mad at the world...and one day after I discovered DH's A...I found MBers and here I am...happier, doing my very best every day, one day at a time, choicing not to be resentful and choicing to love...

What do you want for your future? Do you want to love your H again? The choice is in your hands...

I won't bash you for your choices...I've been on both sides on the table...you did what you thought best at the time...

I'm proud of you for posting...that in itself is a huge step...I have faith in you!

Kiwi,
I appreciate your insight. I understand very much now the way men deal with issues vs. women. However, my H's behavior, that apathy that he showed once and again started from day 1 after our wedding. It was just like by having got married he had done all that he was supposed to. I wish I had the comfort of knowing his behavior began when our son was diagnosed.

No, I did not have counseling after my child was born. There was not time or opportunity for this whatsoever, his disease was absorvent and demanded every minute of my attention to keep him relatively safe. In fact, daycare was not even an option, relatives were not even capable of being with my son to take care of him. His disease was widely unknown among the medical staff, all of his care was done primarily by me.

I am not saying that my EA was a great choice, bigkahuna, but my H's affair with his computer and all that can be done along with it (I caught him many times doing innappropriate activities with it) does not allow me to tell him he has two choices: his family or computers. His career is in computers, he works with computers, he entertains himself with computers... Right after our wedding my H dissappeared in front of a computer screen. He would not even go to bed with me because he was drowned in front of a computer day and night. All through my pregnancy, he found more than entertainment with his computer, he would spend Friday nights "at the office" playing with all of his colleagues until dawn. When my son was hospitalized once after another he could not stand the idea of being with us in the hospital even for the allowed visiting hours, the computer was calling him. Nowadays, I don't make him choose between his family or a computer.

Mrs. sundog - glad to see you posting here.

I can identify with having a child with a severe illness.

Very much so.

Only contrasted to you, I lost my child.

But from my experiences during the struggle, I know very much about how consuming the battle can be. My XW and I, along with family and friends (including OM's family), fought side by side for over 5 years against my young son's disease. So, I know what you're talking about - if not more so.

So, I'd like to hear sundog's side of this. I cannot imagine any parent being disinterested to the point that he/she would put their own interests before a sick child. But I can believe some might not be able to cope with the stress and seek refuge elsewhere. This is precisely what my wife did after my son's death - with OM, a pallbearer.

With this in mind -

- from your perspective, sundog's disinterest started before your child was born.

You'll have to pardon me, but this sounds like typical revisionist history we've come to expect from a wandering spouse seeking to justify their affair. Very typical. Very predictable.

Sundog?

Mrs. Sundog - if your account is accurate, why did you have a child with such a disinterested man?

WAT