So I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been getting easier for me, despite my current situation (been laid off, haven't found a new job yet). I've found it easier to be happy, though nights can still bother me sometimes. I don't really miss her. I don't really want her back. I just.. I feel so empty now. What fire there was remaining is dead... all that remains is a smoldering ruin that was a marriage.

I don't want to hate her. I want to be her friend. But that is so unrealistic. She is being so immature and so irreponsible. She has stopped being so promiscuous and stopped messing around with drugs, but she's still doing stupid things and practically ignoring the fact that she has a son. In the 3 months since she's left, she's seem him 3 times, for a total of no more than maybe 6 hours.

She even plans all these trips she's going to take this fall... to Las Vegas, to Hawaii... but she complains when I talk about Child Support. In the same breath, she says she wants the divorce to be easy and fast so that we don't have to shell out a lot of money for it. Ultimately, I am going to have to go to court against her in order to get a court order saying she has to pay support, and that is going to be costly.

How do I take the next step? How do I move on and make things easier for me and my son? Will the divorce actually make my life easier? Should I just get it done with and then cut her out of my life completely?

How can you do that to someone you once loved with all of your heart?

I want to believe that she is a better person and that she will figure that out, but I know that is unrealistic and stupid of me to think. She will not change. Not until it is too late.

Why do I care so much about what happens to her, after what she did to me?

How do I stop caring?

Thanks for giving an update, TRx. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

U r the sane one and right now that is what u and your son need your sanity.

The WS is still not stable nor realible. Still she is his mother and you need t/b prepared for when she pulls that I'm the mommy card even though you know it means she is using the child to fund her A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So r u documenting all her antics and reporting it to a safe source along with keeping things in a safe place?

L.

I dont think you should short change your child from the support they require, because your wife does not feel she is resposible for them. If she is neglecting them now, you know she will neglect child support unless its court ordered.

Some things are worth fighting for, on the ground, bloody and dirty. You children are one of them. Dont let your child suffer because of a fear that things will get dirty. Be strong. Take a stand for what you KNOW is the right thing.

Sorry, I did not read your earlier posts and you may have already answered this: Do you have a competent, respected attorney yet? Make sure you obtain one and make sure that he/she is respected in the community for representing clients well. Ask around, don't just take anyone.

But get one now. You need representation to help keep your actions on track for you and your child's future.
Lake

lake53 - Right now I can't afford representation. I wish I could. I barely have enough money to pay the bills, since I got laid off. So affording a lawyer is tough.

Orchid - I have been documenting her antics, as most of them go into my private journal.

Thank you all for your input. I will keep you all updated.

Anyway, I promised an update. I hadn't given much of one because nothing had really happened. Until tonight.

I heard some things about my WW that got me a little angry, so I decided to call her to chat. I wanted to just yell and scream at her, but managed to keep my cool. I asked how she was doing, found out that she's apparently "happier than she's been in a long time" (considering she just abandoned absolutely all of her responsibilities, I can understand why she'd think so!). She's also told me that she was going to Hawaii to visit some friend of hers who was in the Navy and stationed there... he was going to pay for all of it. BUT, that got cancelled because she is 'seeing' someone locally now.

Anyway, the conversation started going downhill because, to put it bluntly, she's a ****** and seems to like saying things that she knows can hurt my feelings. She told me that she wanted to be my friend, that she had tried to be my friend, but that I had tried to be too close (even though she was the one who showed me all the super-affection after returning from her week-long trip to Minneapolis..), and that I 'freaked-out' on her every time. I made a quick mention that, if she really was my friend, she would have tried to keep our marriage together instead of just walking out. She disagreed, saying that as my best friend she knew we couldn't work out and knew it was best to leave.

Such crap. All of it. We couldn't work out only because she didn't want us to work out. I told her that. If she had actually wanted us to work, we would have found a way. But, of course, she's in her own little world, and everything I say is wrong. I am the enemy.

Anyway, she accused me of being the one making it impossible for us to be friends. I told her that I didn't WANT to be her friend. That I COULDN'T be friends with her. I wanted to be her husband, but she gave up on that.

She told me that it was my choice not to be her friend. I agreed. It is fully my choice not to be her friend. But it is HER FAULT ENTIRELY that I made that choice. She got angry and started to go off on some tangent, but I didn't even listen. I just hung up the phone.

Then, I got incredibly depressed. I started crying. I had nowhere to turn. I broke. I don't know why. It just hurt so much. Why? I don't know. Was it because she said she was seeing someone? I don't think so.. I don't want her back. Maybe it was her hurtful words? Maybe I just can't handle the stress she causes anymore?

I just really don't know.

I shouldn't have called her. But I snapped. I tried so hard to find some way to distract myself, but I couldn't get ahold of any of my friends, and my roommate was with his girl and I didn't want to bother him. Once I got to the point to where I wanted to yell at her, there was no stopping me. I so wish I wouldn't have.

I'm done with her now. I really have to be. I removed her from my MSN, deleted her off of my MySpace and LiveJournal. I blocked her email (I had sent her a few messages, quotes about marriage and love that I found in these forums, which she called my psycho-analytical bull**** - just proving to me that she really DOESN'T understand love) after sending her one last message that said goodbye and reminded her to tell her new boytoy that she was still a legally married woman, and that he was accessory to adultery if he slept with her (and I know she probably did so the very first night she met him... she's really stupid like that).

Anyway... I need to go to bed. That was my update. Things were going smoothly, until tonight.

Rogue,

I feel for you man, reading your post I feel like I could insert my WW in place of yours and they would say about the same things. My WW was also upset that I wouldn't be her "friend." I told her I didn't want to be her friend but her husband, same thing you said, this irritated her. In her entitlement mindset it was me rejecting her or something... but what does she expect when she's getting together with another guy and we're still married? And somehow I'm a bad guy for it.

My d-day was 5/10, around yours. My wife is 26, about the same as yours, I tell ya, dealing with her immaturity and bratty attitude is so difficult. I try to explain something to her calm and rationally but then she just goes into this "me" mindset and it's all over. She's so defensive.

My WW also told me she was "happy with her decision" and that she's "happy with the way things are going" with her boyfriend. We are very close to divorce, too. By now my WW pretty much has it sealed in her mind every wrong thing about me that ever existed. She acts like she hates me now, and we can't have a two minute conversation without getting into an argument. She acts like she's disgusted with me! While I try to at least be cordial.

It's been getting better, but I still get these times when I realize this pain will always be with me the rest of my life. Not as sharp, but still there. I battle the rejection aspect a lot and I also snapped a couple weeks ago and called my MIL out of frustration. What a blatant mistake, and I knew it was, but I did it anyway. Afterward my WW called me and derided me for tattling to her mother on her.

That was the last straw for me, because while it was a stupid, feeble thing for me to do (hey, I get desperate at times, and mistakes happen) one thing it made me realize is that this is my WW and her family's problem now, they seem to want it, they get to have it dropped right into their laps. It's time for me to just move on and, frankly, get away from these people.

My heart breaks for you and your little boy! I have a 19 month old S and a 12 yr old D. I couldn't fathom walking out on them to party and sleep around. I guess some are just mom material and others aren't. Be there for the little guy, you are the only stable parent he's got. You will get great satisfaction from it.

I read somewhere that when you hug your loved ones you release a chemical that gives you a sense of well being and happiness. Hug on the little guy as much as you can (or that he'll let you at that age!)

I don't get to hug on him that much... he's too busy running around and getting into things! But I do hug him as often as possible.

We like to wrestle on the floor. He's funny and cute. I love him so much... I don't understand how she could walk out on him like that.

Would you decide your son's future in a moment?

Would you decide it from feelings or directly from beliefs?

Would you check your perspective a few thousand times if you were deciding how happy he would be, how healthy, how his entire life was to be?

Reactivity sucks...because it begets reactivity. Know your present will pass, your feelings will pass, and look to what you are choosing to believe, check the validity...do you really know or are you assuming...and are you taking what isn't yours as false evidence to make your choices from?

Keep posting and doing for yourself...if you have begun Plan B...make it authentic, like your Plan A was...with a love letter, establishing no contact with her except through an intermediary...go dark, not from retaliation, but to preserve the love you have for her, your belief in marriage, and for the sake of your son. You don't know how much he's absorbing...you're making history, to look back on...Plan B can be part of your effort for him to have an intact, thriving family...your choice.

Consider...vent here. Look at what you write so you know what you felt...before...during...after...and how much was you, where it came from, what it reminds you of...continue the personal recovery process...you're worth it.

(And yeah on the hardly hug male thing...'cuz when my boys would hug their father or vice versa, one might get licked, poked, the hug might turn into a squeeze war of strength and endurance...weird bonding rituals, which remain, after a couple of decades of them, to be delightfully funny to recall...and poignant.)

Guys have their ways...nurturing all the same.

LA

Ha.. I dunno what happend, LA.. I just now noticed that you replied! Gomen nasai! *bowbow*

I don't know if I want to be with his mother anymore. I think I'm done with her. It is time for me to move on and someday find someone who will be better for the both of us.

I will write her some sort of Plan B-esque letter, but it won't necessarily be because I want her back. It'll be just so that I can explain to her in simple, concise, and civil terms exactly how I feel about her, how I feel about her actions, how I feel about our son, and what I believe marriage is. If she someday wakes up and comes out of the fog... well I don't know what would happen. We'll cross that bridge when and if it ever comes.

I won't wait for her. Not anymore.

oh, TRX.

my son is almost the same age as yours. It breaks my heart that he does not have his father full-time now. But i don't want my son to be grow up like his father. No self-control when it comes to faithfulness.

take care of your son. at the end of the day, our kids are the ones who should come first. especially the babies. they're like blank pieces of paper. and we get to choose how to write on that paper. whether we just scribble on them or write beautiful script on them.

God bless you and your son.

I am putting my Plan B letter into the mail today. At best, it will make things better. But if it doesn't, I am ready to move on.

Maybe she'll wake up and come to terms with what's wrong. I am prepared, however, for life without her.