well i appreciate knowing that so many of you have believed my situation was hopeless for so long but chose to stop posting or lied so you could "save me"

thanks so much

what a great supportive marriage building site....one that states as long as one person believes, there is always a chance.....and yet almost a year before the 2 years that Jennifer has stated I should wait(a counselor that i have spent over a thousand dollars on to get advice from and whom you all seem to feel has givin me false hope....gee i didn't realize you were more knowledgeable than the HARLEYs.....)

the people here who claim to believe in her advice and beliefs, have formed their own opinion........but that's all it is....your OPINION....

since it's clear that everyone thinks my h won't be returning, i have already called my lawyer and asked him to let me know the process for filing for D

i have nothing more to wait for

Eav, I have no doubt that Mimi was absolutely sincere in her hopefulness for your case, and Jen too. The truth is that I was not after some time and felt it was only right to quit posting to you because of that. Mimi has been a great friend to you, and I only hope you appreciate that.

I am glad you are moving on and sincerely wish you the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

eav,

It was really upsetting to read your posts this morning.....I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply, but I honestly don't understand what's happened. When I first came here....everyone told me my situation was hopeless and that was before I did ANYTHING!! LOL. You can't let the opinions of everyone here affect you....because that's all they are....is opinions. If YOU aren't ready to give up hope yet....then don't! But I'll tell you about what scares me for you....that all your eggs seem to be in one basket....that all your happiness rests on reconciliation....and that you've given away all your power. So when I said it was important to give you lots of hope about your life, your future....that's why. I never said your situation was hopeless. No one can predict what will happen in your marriage....but whether your marriage survives or not....I want you to be happy and healthy. Plan B can indeed last for two years.....and during those two years, part of what you're supposed to be doing is building your own self esteem, independence, courage, strength.....all the things that will prepare you for the unpredictable outcome...no matter what it is. If your husband comes home....you'll be a better partner. If he doesn't....you'll be strong enough to go forward without him. I see you doing the part of Plan B that requires no contact....but I don't see you using this as a time to detach from your husband, create peace and interest in your life, and learn to be happy with eav. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.....and it's your mission to discover that in Plan B.

I have plenty of hope for you, and I don't think your marriage is hopeless....until YOU say it's hopeless. If you don't feel comfortable posting anymore....I'll respect that....but I just wanted you to know that I think you may have misinterpreted some things on this thread....so please don't assume folks don't care about you.

((((((((((((((((((((eav))))))))))))))))))))))

Star..my Bud...

I think people are are not getting this about Eav. She comes here and laments about missing her H because she continues to love him. However, at the same time, she definitely is growing and changing. She openned up her pool to her neighbors and is socializing with them. She made a visit to her hometown on her own for the first time in many months. Plus, she has maintained No Contact from her WH. THESE ARE HUGE STEPS FOR EAV. HUGE. This is not indicative of any major depression. Continuing to love and miss your WH is not indicative of depression as Eav has continued to assert here.

Is filing for divorce what YOU want to do NOW? If so, then all means do it.

What will be the purpose of this for YOU?

Will your love for your H then cease?

Will you be HAPPIER than you are now once YOU have filed for divorce?

What's your thinking on this?

eav,
I don't know your situation all that well, but I can say that you should never make a decision such as divorce based on what type of advice you get here. My decision to go for a LSA was MINE. I then came to the forum to get advice on how to deal with my decisions. If you choose to remain in PlanB, that is okay, only come for advice on how to proceed. Also, get advice on how to BE in Plan B, but use your own intuition. Nothing is ever hopeless. It's not about hope really, it's about caring for yourself. Hope will be there when you need it, but you cannot move forward without the self-care aspect of things.

Also, don't rely so much on this forum to give you the answers; only you have the answers. Once you find them, then get advice. It may be good for you to stay away from here for a while, to kind of find your own path. I've found that this place can drag you down sometimes. It's a great place for advice and love, but not always for happiness. Good luck to you, you deserve to be happy, no matter what that is for you.

MEL, MY GUARDIAN ANGEL!!!!

I really appreciate your post to me.

As usual, I HEARD and greatly value and respect your message.

(((((((MEL))))))

oh, and Mimi,
Thank you for all of your guidance in a truly confusing situation. I, personally, wasn't really looking for hope, more for help unscrambling my mind. You have affected my life in a very positive way, and I just wanted you to know that. It's not over for me, not for a while, so I will be dropping in and reading up and learning. Know that you have helped countless people, and that your advice is sound.

mimi,

I agree with you completely!! Thank you for bringing that up....I sure don't want eav to think I haven't noticed the big changes she's made. She has made huge strides...and I'm so sorry if I appeared to minimize those by concentrating on the stuff where I have concerns. Forgive me eav. I've been very proud of the personal progress you've made. I read about your new teaching job....it sounds pretty stressful *eek* but I bet you're really good at it.

I worry a little about some of the focus on the details of your husband's life. The affair is as painful for you today.....as if you were still living with him and being daily assaulted by his chaos....and so Plan B is not doing all that it can do for you..... giving you as much peace as I would hope that you can achieve through detachment. It also doesn't protect your love for your husband if you can't detach from the pain.....because all those thoughts....continue to drain the lovebank...KwIM?.

((((((((((((((((eav)))))))))))))))))

Eav, if you are reading here, I am not at all making direct reference to you in this post.

I think that Mel is saying to ME that my situation did not seem as HOPELESS to HER as I thought it was.

Come to think of it, in hindsight, there were lots of POSITIVE signs that my H's affair would eventually end..if only I would not give up...

It was appropriate for folks here to encourage ME and to be HOPEFUL about my situation when I felt it was HOPELESS...

THIS WAS TRUE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE AND MY SITUATION ...

I should be careful to not assume that others' experiences and situations are like mine....

By Jove, I think I've got it!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As usual, I feel guilty that I've not posted here in so long. Rather than updating my thread, I'm going to add my little bit here about "hope".

This past Monday would have been our 30th anniversary. My phone rang Monday night with a "private #" in the window, but I answered it anyway. Nobody said a thing. I knew it was xW. Her way to reminding me.

She called Wednesday night (again). I answered and we talked a while. She asked if I remembered that Monday would have been our 30th anniversary. I told her that we, indeed, would have celebrated it together had it not been for OM#1 and OM#2.

She proceeded to tell me that her and OM#2 are now "just friends". That's it's okay now, they are just pals.

She doesn't get it...still doesn't get it...and never will get it. OM#2, like OM#1, is married...not to HER, but to another woman. It is his (OM#1 / OM#2) to become the man in her life that God calls a husband to be....not to be flirting around with someone else and pretending it's okay.

Hope? No...I lost hope long ago. Should I have? I'll let you folks (who know me) be the judge of that. IMO, to suggest I should continue to "hope" would be nothing but a cruel joke.

Each of us have to know when God brings us to that point...to draw the line in the sand and say it's either me (exclusively) or not me at all.

Georgia...