I think the main people that would be most helpful are his parents, so I'm going to try to get ahold of his mom today. I don't know if the ow mother will be helpful or not, but I'm going to try. I do know for a fact that she is divorced. I'm not sure that the affair was the REASON for the divorce. I know her H was cheating on her too so I think it was a cumulation of things, but I'm sure the affair with my h made it easier for her. I'm going to do some searching and find her mother's phone number now. I think you are right, I am in a bit of shock. I'm just so sick of all this being lied to. He says the little contact they have had has been nothing serious, but I told him that he still had contact and then didn't tell immediately like we had agreed on. Also, after the no contact letter, she is the one who contacted him first in both instances. I know that he is still wrong for replying, not telling me, etc. BUT, I asked him to look at her motives. She obviously doesn't care about what is right for him or respect his requests for no contact. She only cares about her needs. Was it ok to say this?

The exposure to her mother will probably be VERY HELPFUL even if she won't help you. Just the embarrassment factor alone will be beneficial. It will also send the message to the OW that you mean business and there will be consequences for messing with your H.

And it matters not who contacted whom. All contact is "serious" so don't allow him to minmize this. It is your HUSBAND who does not respect your boundaries for no contact, NIL. Focus on HIS disrespect. Just the fact that the OW was the one who made the initial call [if that is even true] is completely IRRELEVANT. What is relevant is that he has BROKEN CONTACT. Contact is contact regardless of who initiated it. So don't allow him to spin this any other way and don't YOU try and minimize it, ok? It is what it is.

NIL, how do you know any of this stuff? Where did all of this information about the OW come from?

OK- So when my husband first admitted to the affair, he was answering my questions, and he told me that her husband was cheating on her and they were divorced. Hindsight, this could not be true. I do believe she is divorced because it says that on her myspace page. I tried calling OW mother and the number I had was wrong so I have to do some digging. I think MIL will be able to find that for me when I talk to her. OW mother should be able to verify or discount the info. I have about her marriage. I tried callin MIL, but they are out of town, so I'm hopeful she will call me back soon. WOW! what a hard call that is going to be, I was shaking just waiting while the phone was ringing and the answering machine came on.

As far as the contact part, you're right it is not any different who initiated it. He still had contact, did not immediately tell me about it, and then lied when I confronted him. I love him, but I'm standing my ground with these boundaries. MelodyLane, thanks for all your help and advice. Hopefully I'll be able to do some exposure today.

Do you know how to get ahold of her XH? If you can find his #, I would suggest exposing to him too. He might know alot more about this than you would imagine. She may also not be divorced at all. It is real common for waywards to lie about their spouses in order to justify their cheating. He probably never cheated at all.

You're right maybe he wasn't- it could be that she lied to my husband or that he lied to me about that. I do really believe she is divorced though, but I will see if I can get ahold of him too. I was thinking about doing that anyway. Still no luck on talking to MIL or OWM. I've left a message for MIL to call me when she gets home. I will tell you that my husband has called me more in the past couple hours than he has all week from work. He feels terrible. I have just been pleasant and talked like normal. And then I'll ask him something like, "so where do think you are going to stay." That catches him off guard. I think he truely thought me asking him to leave was impulsive. He says he doesn't want to leave, but I told him that he crossed the bounderies that I clearly set and I'm not going to continue to allow him to treat me this way. I feel strong now. I hope it continues.

Talked to MIL today and had great support. She was in shock but agreed that WH needs to work on what is going on inside him and end all contact with OW. She is planning on having him out to the house tonight so her and FIL can talk to him. They are going to encourage IC and AD and NC. She was very supportive and said everything I needed to hear. She wants to call OW and OWM too. Would that be helpful?

NIL, yes, that would be great if your MIL would call the OWM and OW and have a chat with them. That will put great pressure on the affair to end. It sounds like she is a wonderfully supportive person. Good job!

Thanks ML! Ok also, just talked to WH. He said he called OW this morning and said absolutely no more contact. he said he needs to get right with himself and contact with her is not helping. Now I know that this is a WH talking so I will take it with the grain of salt, but the good part is...

He asked me if I called OWM. I said I did but she said she didn't know OW was real weird about and I thought I had the wrong number. Well, I didn't have the wrong number. OW told WH that her mom was a little freaked out about the calls from me. So...even though I didn't get to expose the affair to her at least OW knows I mean business. I'm anxious to see what happens when MIL calls her. Pray for me! WH did say that he didn't want to hurt anymore people than necessary (referring to me calling OWM) I said I was just doing everything in my power to stop contact so that we could work on our marriage. He said he understood.

OH... and yes, MIL is a wonderfully supportive person. I am blessed to have her.. funny because with some of our past problems, I never would have thought I would say that, but we've all grown and I truely appreciate her.

NIL, go ahead and call the OWM yourself! She needs to hear the correct story from you, in addition to your MIL. Tell her about the affair and ask her to persuade your D to stop screwing around wtih your H.

Your H should not have called the OW at all, but since that cannot be undone, I would request that he send her a NC letter. He also needs to tell you the entire truth of what has been going on here because I suspect tehre is more to the story than you know about.

But, get to work and finish your exposures to the OWM and to her H! Get that out of the way and then you can plan your next step with your H.

Where is your H staying?

I have tried to call the OMW 3 times and she will not talk to me. She just says that she's walking out the door, goodbye and hangs up. I don't think she knows about the affair and is a little freaked out that I keep calling. MIL actually knows her as OW and H went to High School together. MIL says she won't be much help as she is apparently just like her daughter, but I told her theexposure will help. Since she knows who my MIL is I think she will stay on the phone with her longer than 2 seconds and listen. I'm working on finding the OW XH. My h will be home in an hour or so to pack up his things. He talked to his parents and I think he's going to be staying at their house. This helps..at least I know they will not allow contact while he is there. Wow! What a weekend it has been. I still feel empowered, but am afraid I'm going to his an emotional wall soon. Thanks for the advice and listening. I'm praying that with love, time, and strength I will get through this a better person and a better wife.

As far as the NC letter. I think he would send her one, but he already did that a month ago and look where we are. If you keep saying NC and then it's broken will she (or he) really take another letter seriously? And does another letter really mean anything to me, since the first one didn't work. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not sure now what it will take for him to earn trust back and to come home. I'm hoping I'll know when that happens???

Maybe you could leave a message on OWM's answer machine? Maybe send her a letter if that doesn't work.

Have you had any luck finding the XH?

Your WH doesn't work with the OW, does he?

I'm very glad your MIL is supportive of you. My FWH's A was with his old HS girl friend. Just curious, but did she drop him in high school? That was the sitch with FHW and FOW. Mine said he wanted closure - right. 26 years later? Regardless it sucks, huh?

Hang in there

Hey moveforward. If I can't get ahold of OWM, I will write her a letter. I don't know her email. As far as XH, haven't found a way to contact him yet. The only number I can find is where they lived together and that is just her house now. I know he is a police officer, so if I can do some digging and find out where,( we're in a big city), then I can probably get ahold of him at the station.

I actually think my husband broke up with her in high school and she has never gotten over it. When they started emailing and stuff, my husband was very vunerable and unhappy (of course, I didn't know this). I think she had always wanted a second chance with him and he enjoyed the attention from her and that is how it started. It does suck.

NIL, I wouldn't suggest telling your H that you are trying to contact the OW's XH. That will give the OW an opportunity to pre-empt you. As it is now, she has probably pre-empted you with her mother and spun the story with you starring as a "jealous nutjob." But a call from your MIL can overcome if that it is the case. So, keep any future exposures to yourself until they are completed. And don't expect your H to be happy or to agree with your exposures, that is just an expectation.

Hope you are doing ok tonight.

ML- I haven't told my H that I am trying to contact OW XH. I didn't tell about contacting the OWM. He didn't know that until the OW told him. I'm sure she has painted me as a crazy woman to her mom. that's ok. MIL will clear that up. Talked to FIL tonight and he's very supportive. He said "I'm telling him, he needs to block her email address and phone number."

As far as how I'm doing...UP and Down. I know I needed to make him leave because he crossed my bounderies and he needs to know that I will not tolerate contact or dishonesty. But it was still hard. I'm not feeling quite as empowered as I was, crying off and on out of no where, but I have faith that I will get through this and I actually have a lot of hope that my H will come around. He was a mess packing tonight. said he can't believe that he actually had put himself in this situation. I know seperation is risky, but this may be the wake up call he needs. I would love to not even need to Plan B. We will see. Only time will tell. Thanks for all your help.

(((nil))) Just wanted to send you a cyber hug.

It is good he sees that he put himself in this situation. This situation sounds very promising.

Do you have children?

Yes- We have 2 sons. DS3 and DS2
My husband is a good man and a wonderful father.

He has done alot of the WS stuff such as lying about contact and one time babble about being in love with OW. But I will have to say that he has never blamed me for this. He knows that this is all his doing.

He doesn't understand a lot of the things he's going through. He finally today, before he left agreed to read SAA and talk to his parents. I really think he's depressed (maybe even has been for awhile). The guilt is compounding that. I'm hoping IC and AD will help him see clearer.

He told me tonight that he doesn't want to be with the OW. He just feels lost. I hope he gets help. Thank you SO much for the hugs. I needed that!

have you thought of calling Steve Harley for an appointment? You can do it together I think. Maybe that would be good.

You can also call the radio show- the info and the link is on the top of this page and it is free.

Instead of IC, have you considered MC with a MC that uses MB prinicples?