But he's the BS.

I don't want WH or OW here at all!!

Right Stef. But they live together - she could end up here and your H could find out too. You don't want that happening - until your Marriage is in recovery.

OOOHHH, I see now...I just love it when the lightbulb goes off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How sure are you I'm going to make it to recovery?

I feel like everything I've done (Plan A) over the past few weeks has been busted up today. I know that's probably not true, but that's what it feels like. I feel like I'm going to have to start all over again after he calms down.

ok Stef, by allowing yourself to REACT EMOTIONALLY when he gets mad and by taking seriously his FOGBABBLE you are losing control again. Why do you continue to REACT to this? You know better. We have told you over and over again. Instead of reacting EMOTIONALLY everytime your H gets mad or says something unpleasant, why not try using some REASON and THINKING IT THROUGH?

For example, have a little talk with yourself that goes something like this:

Stef: OHMIGOD, MY H IS MAD AT ME!!!! I AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????????

StefTheSane: Knock that silly teenage girl crap off, girlfriend, use your mind! He is SUPPOSED to get angry when you interfere with his affair! Did you expect roses?? sheeesh!

Stef: BUT HE SAYS HE WANTS A DIVORCE!!!!

StefTheSane: Of course he is going to lash out at you for interfering with his affair. But he doesn't know what he wants because he is in a fog so he wants to punish you and make you stop. Those folks on MB told you to expect this, it is all part of the process to kill the affair.

Stef: BUT HE TOLD ME THE AFFAIR WAS OVER!! THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS!!

StefTheSane: What else is he going to tell you? "Hey, we are having an affair and getting it on??" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You are the LAST person he will tell the truth to! DUH! Lying is the second language of the WS!

StefTheSane: sit back, shut up and look pretty and let me drive this ship, ok??

Stef - there are no 100% guarantees but you have as good a shot at getting to recovery as anyone I have ever seen.

Bu, feelings are not truth. Let your REASON and LOGIC drive the ship, Steph.

(((((((Stef))))))))

I have been following along Stef and I agree with BigK.........well, Who wouldn't?
I really think you will be one of the success stories here but it WILL take time.

Follow the BigK and everything will be alright.

I've watched the BigK work with people through this and even though (in your heart) some of the things sound bad (like exposing and such) they really do help in the long run.

His anger towords you is because you won't except the "status quo" in your relationship with him.
In time he will see how you fought through all of this with a calm heart and a calm mind.

Just remember to ACT.......Not react to his anger.
Stay calm.
You got her boyfriend helping to, thats BIG.

Don't show him (her bf) this sight but if he askes for help then give him the book titles. "Surviving an Affair" etc.

By the way 10/19/1994 was my wedding day.
I saw my ww this morning when she came to get the kids ready for school.
I talked like I normally would to her.

No happy anniversary or nothing.
I was struggling here on weather I should say something or not to her.

I did not and will not.

If/WHEN you and he get back together, you will have many more and BETTER aniiversary's.

I think your strong enough to do this or I wouldn't be here cheering you on.

Good Luck and remember.

YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!!

Jeff

Stph,

I have been thinking of you all day. I hope you are doing something extraordinary for yourself...you deserve it!

You are doing phenomenally well in MB principles and strategies...follow BK and ML advice...it will get easier with time

Just b/c you are a quick study doesn't mean it will speed up the WH process...it has to run it's course

You have everything you need inside of you...dig deep and keep digging deep, it is all right there

Don't worry about the Anniversary...it is seriously just another day...you should be celebrating you and the discovery of the new and improved you! You are special and wonderful and loving and you are loved <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jeff,

Your kind words of encouragement to Stph along with your kid photo made me cry with pride in what you are fighting for ...you are an inspiration...keep on fighting...you are in excellent company <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you BigK, I needed to laugh today! You are right, that's what I need to do. I didn't know I was that whiny!

I'm going to try really hard to keep my emotions out of it.

I went to bed last night and I was so mad at myself that I couldn't sleep. I know better than to listen to him when he spouts off. I know he's not talking like himself right now. I know better than to let my emotions override my logic. I hate it when this kind of stuff happens and as soon as it does, all reasoning fades away and it's like I haven't learned a damn thing, when you all know that I have!

Jeff, thank you so much for your post (and hugs!). You've really made me feel better...I hope you're doing OK today too. I really appreciate the support from you and 2much (and everyone else of course!). It really means a lot to me and makes me feel like maybe I can do this...and do it the right way! I really needed the encouragement.

Yep, BigK is the master...I should really learn to listen to him, LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Today has been rough, but I keep telling myself that it's just another day. I'll get through it.

((((Stef)))) I know today is hard for you.

Thanks Jeff for your kind comments.

I have stood on the shoulders of MB giants and applied what I learnt. Saved my marriage.

Well, BigK, sit tight...I have to take my dog for a walk, even though it's 30 degrees and dark...talk about a spoiled "baby"!...but when I get back, I have some news to share about a conversation with WH tonight...things might start looking up...

You tease!!! No wonder WH wants you. LOL.

You know it!

I didn't make you wait that long, LOL.

He called me, right as he was getting off work and right off the bat he apologized for getting mad at me yesterday. He said he has no right to get mad about anything since he's the one who caused this whole mess. I accepted his apology and then he started talking as if he were considering coming back and working on the M. He told me that he woke up this morning and felt really bad because it's our anniversary and he couldn't spend it with me. I told him that I never stopped him from calling and asking and he said he didn't deserve to celebrate it with me. I told him I talked to BF again last night and he said he figured I had b/c OW told WH what I had told BF. He wasn't mad this time. He said most days he thinks about me and wants to move back in and be with me, that he made a mistake, sometimes he's OK with his decision and a few days he makes himself think he's doing the right thing. I told him my days are the same way. I'm fine without him, but I do miss him. I told him that his unhappiness was justified, because I wasn't 100% happy all the time. He said he knew that. Then I told him that we used to be and if we were once, we can be again (stole that one from Pio!). He agreed with that. I told him that once we get back what we had, we would have to be more careful not to lose it again. He agreed with that too.

When the A came out, I told him that I wanted him to stop talking to her, and he flat out refused. He said he didn't understand why I got mad when he wouldn't stop. He said he kind of does now, but I'm not sure about that. He doesn't understand the need to stop talking to her if he were to work things out with me. I told him that he would have to have absolutely no contact with her if he wanted to work things out with me. He said he understood and would agree to it. I told him that he needed to make up his mind about what he wanted and we would go from there. I told him (and this might be a DJ, I'm not sure) that he could get his divorce, I don't care, but I would never believe that he truly wanted it. I told him that I think it's me that he wants, not because I want it to be true, but because that's what I feel in my heart, but he needs to come to that decision on his own. He also told me (again) that once he revealed the A, he just thought the natural next step for us would be D. I told him that I never wanted D and even when I tried to fight it and told him that I wanted to fix it, he was the one still pushing for it.

He didn't disagree with anything I said.

He went to some practice race tonight and is supposed to call me on his way home.

OK STef. This sounds good. See how effective your plan A is? Let's just watch and observe what he does....

He just called me and asked if I minded if he came and saw me for a little bit. I said I didn't mind and he'll be here in a few minutes. I'm sure more talking will be involved, but I'm going to TRY to not let my emotions override my logic and learning.

DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM OR LET HIM MOVE BACK IN

We need to talk about recovery first!!!!!!!

Keep your britches on!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!!!??

Why would you think she is kidding Stef???? or Me?

I was just kidding...sheesh, lighten up!

I won't let him move back in yet...are ya happy now?


OK, OK, I won't engage in SF either...hardballers. LOL.