Don't be rushing this Stef - I really want to put you in touch with a Plan B expert before you do this. You only get one chance at a good Plan B.

Hi stph20,

As per signature line, I consider myself in PLAN B.

I made the decision based on the following:

- WH was refusing to consider N/C with OW, and at one point, chose to 'move out'... and to me, it 'symbolically' meant he was chosing OW over M and family (temporarily staying with OW until got his own apt)...but due to boys, WH THOUGHT he would be maintaining a R with me through 'friendly co-parenting' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (this part of WH's illusion was quickly knocked off by PLAN B!)

- since I was dealing with a very, and I repeat, very insensitive, selfish, full of entitlement WH...my LoveB for H was being literally drained by the second, and I needed to 'protect' it, in case H showed up at some point in the future

- decisive point: I made up my mind (heart and mind) that I would rather be alone (bit scary after 20 yrs of M!) than continue to be in any TYPE of toxic R with WH...hopefully before my 'spirit' was broken.... some may say I may have passed that point... but, regardless, I am bouncing back...since not being in any R with WH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I communicate the bare facts needed re exchange of boys and finances to WH by email once a week...in PLAN B, it's preferable to have an intermediary filter any necessary communication between you and WH, so you can stay very very DARK

My WS hopes one day I will 'come around' and consider 'friendly co-parenting' with him...I have not budged!

I made it very clear to WS that I did not accept to become his W in order to have a husband who was someone else's BF! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

....and more or less, that is the message you will want to convey to your WH.

...in PLAN B, the ball is in WH's court...BS's deal is on the table....and you will, as I am, try to merrily get on with your life...as if H will not show up any time soon.... and rather than be on M recovery...you will be on a journey of personal recovery.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

stph20,

PLAN B may be very SIMPLE but not necessarily EASY to implement...expect to be tempted by WS to break N/C, and you must be determined to defend boundary...

As I see it, with an A, there is a triangle in place...WS does not want to commmit to N/C with OW to break the triangle (WS in control) ....well...it's left to the BS to break triangle....and remove 'oneself' from it by going N/C with WS (BS in control)

...basically the main condition/boundary of PLAN B is that the BS chooses to no longer have contact with WS until OW is 'out of the picture'.... and I personally was and am prepared to go forward alone and not compromise that boundary....NO OW in my life....as Orchid would say!

...and because, as you know, recovery of M can only be possible once N/C with OW is in place anyway...

The PLAN B letter is important to make all the above clear to the WH...and to make sure that WS not consider N/C as punishment.

I think there is a thread of samples of PLAN B letters for you to consider somewhere.... when you are ready, maybe you might want to start a thread about it (or rename this one if you still can)....and many will show up to help you write one...

it must be short, loving, and to the point...and to be able to go totally DARK, think about who in your entourage could play the role of 'intermediary'

A good PLAN A before PLAN B is important because it will be what you leave in WH's mind about you....before going DARK... because in PLAN B, if you want the WS to take you, and your boundary, seriously...there must be no CONTACT whatsoever...and you thought no SF was bad enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....LOL!

Thanks luna, but hold the presses! Plan B is a no go.

WH came over this afternoon for our talk. I was ready for anything, but the first thing out of his mouth was "if you're still willing to work on this, than I am too". I told him I was willing, but it was going to take a long time for trust to be rebuilt and for things to be OK again. He said he knew and he was OK with it all. I told him I was going to have a lot of questions and I wanted all the gory details. He said he'll answer anything I ask, but it will be uncomfortable for him. Too bad! He said he had made his decision on Friday, but wanted the weekend to think about it some more and make sure it was what he really wanted. And it is. He talked to a friend of his and his friend told him to make sure it was what he wanted because if things don't work out between OW and BF, he can't go be with OW again. He knows that too and still chooses me. He's going to tell OW tomorrow morning at work. NC is not possible quite yet, until she's at the other job, but I told him that I want minimal hand waves at best and if he has to talk to her, I want to know about it and I want every word that was exchanged. I said I want to know when she leaves for the other job and once she's gone he's to never again have anything to do with her. He agreed. He really seems willing to do this. We'll see.

I'm still not quite sure how to go about all of this. I'm OK with his decision, but not quite as happy as I thought I would be.

BigK, I see the difference in what you're saying now. I didn't understand that you were in official recovery while having SF.

Stef,

OK. This is good - sort of.

How about you see if he will read the Infidelity FAQ's - print them out for him - don't show him this web site just yet.

Let us know how he reacts to the FAQ's.

Is he going to move back in with you again?

Great news that WH is wanting to work on M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now...remember....next step for you... to see if WH's ACTIONS match what he SAYS!

....it will still be helpful to you just to know that PLAN B remains an option....and that whatever efforts you are willing to make... remain a CHOICE!

Have you consulted with Steve?.... if not, you might want to consider it and have him work with the two of you on a PLAN of recovery.

I am sure those experienced with M recovery will be here to help out!

What's...really...on your mind, BigK?

Well Luna, in reality, without firm inviolable NC, recovery is impossible and if he moves back in under those circumstances it's a recipe for a false recovery which is why I want Stef to see if WH will read FAQ's - it will be much better if he gets this himself. And she's setting herself up for hurt here.

I will print out the FAQ's and have him read them.

He probably is planning on moving back in, but I'm not sure when.

My my Stef - you sure do like to just swan in and swan out don't you. LOL. A coherent conversation is a battle when 6 or so hours pass. LOL.

stph20...I can't disagree with BigK...

We care about you very much....and don't want you to needlessly be hurt!



So...if WS moves back without N/C.... please remember, you are NOT in recovery...

stph20,

Make no mistake. You have a long road ahead. If it looks too good to be true - it is! Stay with Plan A. Keep your boundaries. Remember it is not your job to prevent WH from having or continuing his affair. That is his job and his responsibility to prove it to your satisfaction. Trust will take a very long time to rebuild. Be patient (you're not) and let things happen as they happen. Your WH is still a WH. Don't forget that. You have a way to go before you can truly get to recovery.

Oh, and learn to like dirt track.

I know you guys care about me. I appreciate it very much! Thank you luna.


I fully understand that we are not in recovery yet until NC is established. That's why I'm willing to wait until she get that other job to be considered recovering. I'm very guarded with my emotions right now.

Pio,

Thank you too. I am still fully in Plan A. WH knows ALL of my boundaries and is willing to meet them. He knows what he has to do and is willing to do them. He knows that I won't trust him for a LOOONNNNGGGG time and is willing to prove to me that I can trust him.

You're right, I'm not patient at all and that's going to be one of the downfalls to recovery. I'm going to get impatient with the lack of trust and lack of meeting my EN's and at some point I know I'm going to want to give up.


I'm on it!!

Stef - you are totally setting yourself up for a false recovery and continuation of the affair under your nose. Listen to the veterans here that have seen this before.

Explain.

Stef - say he moves back in while in an ongoing affair. You will have SF with him but you won't be in recovery. He starts classic cake eating.

He has to "get it" regarding NC before you let him back in. Get him reading and on the same page as you.

stph20,

For me, I really had to give up all hope before I could finally find hope. I think that is where I have been the past 2.5 months. You are impatient, your WH shows you positive signs that make you want to believe so you swallow it hook, line and sinker. If he is not telling you the truth, you are setting yourself up for an even harder fall than before and it will likely end in divorce.

You need to have very clear boundaries, you need to take things very slowly and you need to plan ahead. One of the best pieces of advice I got a very long time ago was to think about what I would do when I found that gemela was lying to me and broke NC again. I was prepared for it my actions paid off.

Your WH is likely coming back to you for every reason but the one you want. That's not all that bad. Him coming back is a good thing. Just remember that your marriage is far from safe and you both have a lot of work to do before you can even begin to think about recovery.

Just don't make us change your screen name to pollyanna.

Expect the worst and hope for the best. That sounds simple but it pretty much applies.

BigK,

I can't find what it is you want me to print on this site for WH to read. Can you link it to me?

Pio,

It's kind of funny...the same day that I had given up was the same day that WH decided he wanted the M.

I am taking things slowly. I also know things between us will never be the same again. I am very comfortable with the boundaries I've set and if he ever does this again, I'm done and we both know it. I am very prepared to divorce him if I don't feel we can make it, or this does happen again. I know I can next time, because I made it through this time. It'll still hurt, but I know I'll be able to do it. I also know that at some point before we're recovered, one or both of us is going to want to give up. I'm prepared for that too.

I'm not sure why I want him back. I do know that I still love him, and I know he loves me too, which is why he chose to come back. And I credit you with the biggest reason I've held on, actually. I asked you one time why, if you didn't want G to come back home and you weren't interested in R, you didn't just file for divorce. And you told me it was because you married her for better or worse, not until she cheated on you. That has been imbedded in my brain, as my mantra, ever since you told me that. And it was exactly what I told WH yesterday when he asked me why I was willing to take him back. I don't believe, if you hadn't told me that, I would have held on the way I have. I know this hasn't been very long at all, that I've been dealing with this, but I really didn't have a reason for wanting to stay in the M, besides love and the belief in the vows I said. A lot of people here have stayed together for the sake of their kids, but I don't have that. I really have nothing tying me to WH, making me want to stay.

I know that I have been extremely impatient, but please believe me when I tell you that I am very guarded in this phase and I will be for a long time. I'm not out dancing in the streets just because he's coming home. I'm not even sure I want him coming home yet, I've gotten used to living alone already!

I do feel I'm walking into this eyes wide open. I may not know exactly how to go about it yet, and it will come to me after I've made many mistakes, I'm sure, but I'm going to calm down, be patient and do it right. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure WH does it right as well.

It may not seem like it, but I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of reading and I think I know more than I relay on here.

Pollyanna I am not...although it does have vowels!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stef - see below in my signature? Click on the words Infidelity FAQ's and they will open up!

Hi Steph,

It's k.d.'s heartbreak here. I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that things are starting to look up for you. I also want to advise you to proceed cautiously.

This might be your one and only chance to save your marriage, so take your time before allowing your WS back home.

Now is the time to call Steve and arrange for a counseling session to plan correctly.

It your husband comes home a WS instead of a FWS, you will have lost your possibly one chance to save your marriage.

So plan with Steve Harley, establish your boundries and for myself, it would be when WS finds another job or OW finds another job.
Hold out for the whole enchilada, AKA "No Contact EVER"


Wishing you all the best,

k.d.'s heartbreak

Thank you for your thoughts and advice kdsheartbreak. I appreciate it.

Sorry BigK, I thought you were talking about something different that you wanted me to print out.