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Eav - that could be after the divorce they come to their senses.
Most affairs end in 2 years - how long has your WH's been going on?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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and yes, Pittman is saying that sometimes in a romantic affair, as long as the D hasn't occurred, the affair partners don't face the reality and the distruction of the A...and that afterwards, it comes crashing down upon them right after the D and the A partners marraige
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OK Eav - you know the song "The Gambler"?
Ya gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
something something something
KNOW WHEN TO RUN.....
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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i'm not getting what you mean
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OK - a 5 year affair - give or take? I recommend divorce. Who knows he may then want to reconcile but it's been more than 2 years - the dates don't make sense in your post - is actually a 5 year affair?
I doubt he will be coming back any time soon. He may be in that 3%.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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sorry if it sounded otherwise, my question wasn't asking if I should resort to divorce in the hopes that it would wake up my H....i was just wondering if my stalling might be adding to the thrill of the A...if anyone has head of this or experienced it as Pittman has said
i am not even considering divorce and wouldn't ask if anyone thought that i should.....i will give up on my M onlywhen/if my h filees and gets a D or IF my heart ever tells me that i've waited long enough
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well that is only 6 months now isn't it. Prepare for divorce at that time but I would be done.
(((Eav)))
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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ah -yes indeed we did.
Eav you are 38. You have to look to your future. Does the prospect of divorce terrify you?
This probably isn't helping you.
(((Eav)))
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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You see, Eav.
I told you Big hasn't gotten to know you.
Big, it's long been known that Eav and I do not like the D word...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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the prospect of spending the rest of my life without the love of my life scares me to death as i look at what i would miss.
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i'm pretty much living the life of a divorced person already kahuna. i can take care of myself.(i can even remodel a bathroom AND open my pool on my own) I have a job that i love. i make a good living and i have everything in life that i would wish for...being raised on welfare, i've come a longway. if you want to know alot about "who I am" here is a post that i just wrote on another thread IF only i could have the serenity prayer point of view....but i'm not very good at this one
as my understanding of emotional needs has grown and i have continued to try to understand my part in the situation that is occurring.....since i have accepted that I too must change in order to have a chance to build a new marraige with the man i love
i believe another verse has allowed me to find the strength to keep hoping and continue loving my H...it is my guide to forgiveness
it is the verse that i have clung to...posted on my fridge...and carry in my purse
i'm sure you all know it
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.
Love is patient....so i'm trying hard to be
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Mimi - not real fond of the D word myself you know. But I don't let that cloud my judgement.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Eav - I wish you the best. I pray you are successful in saving your marriage.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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thanks Kahuna
i can use lots of prayers
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{{{eav}}}
You've had quite a night of it. I don't post much anymore, but I am always checking up on your sitch.
I think your dedication to your marriage is amazing. Peace to you.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Eav,
As you see above, I did not set any timeline for divorce. I merely said that after a "reasonable" time if the WS has not made any attempts to return to the marriage, then divorce may be the best choice. "Reasonable" is something one can only decide for himself.
I think you will see that Dr. Harley says pretty much the same thing in another way. He advocates sticking to the plan as long as two years from discovery, then it may be time for a divorce.
With regard to your husband, it sounds as though is he very needy. Maybe everything you say is true, but it reads to me like you are accepting too much of the blame for his affair.
As for him being the "love of [your] life," I have never believed there is just one "right" person out there for each of us. In fact, if you really believe in MB, under the right conditions you could fall in love with anybody and they with you.
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Here is a an excerpt from an article by Susan Peabody:
Love addiction is an unhealthy attachment (conscious or unconscious) to either a person, relationship or romance. Here are some examples:
(1) Obsessed love addicts experience attachment by way of secret fantasies (unrequited love) or what I call a hyper-involvement with another person: excessive thoughts, phone calls, or requests to get together starting early in the relationship. The underlying motivation for this attachment is infatuation or love, but unfortunately it is a toxic form of love stemming from neediness and low self-esteem.
(2) Relationship addicts cling to the notion of connectedness with someone in order to avoid loneliness or the feeling of being unlovable which they associate with being single. Relationship addicts may hook up with someone they don't even like, much less love, just to be in a relationship. Once in a relationship, these love addicts hold on for dear life even if it means suffering loneliness within the relationship. Sometimes relationship addicts even accept abuse rather than let go.
(3) Romance addicts are in love with romance, i.e. euphoria, intimate rendezvous, passionate sex, erotic fantasies, etc. They do not obsess over one person except for short intervals. To romance addicts the objects of their affection are interchangeable. Anyone they are attracted to is who they want to be with; the more partners the better. Romance addicts are high on the chemistry of love, wherever they find it, and they move on as soon as the romance wanes.
(4) Codependent love addicts are people who have an overwhelming need to take care of someone else no matter what the price. These love addicts are so sensitive to the caretaking compulsion that they even try to protect their partners from any negative feelings normal to the human experience: feelings such as sadness, disappointment or anger. Codependents try to protect their partners from such feelings by making extraordinary sacrifices. For instance, codependent love addicts will give their partner money earmarked for the rent in order to prevent them from experiencing the disappointment of not getting what they want. Or they will defer to their partners even when they disagree just so their mate will not have to experience anger. Not that codependents aren't trying to protect their own feelings as well. Most codependent behavior is geared toward reducing the anxiety codependents feel when their partners are not happy. (An unhappy partner might leave.)
(5) Narcissistic love addicts are self-centered, controlling, possessive, demanding and even have illusions of grandeur or the feeling that they are perfect; without human flaws. On the outside these love addicts appear distant and detached. They may even have affairs with other people. But don't be fooled. Narcissistic love addicts are still addicted to their partners. It is just that their obsession only manifests itself when the person they are attached to cannot be controlled and/or considers ending the relationship.
I hardly need to point out that betrayed spouses can suffer from these same kinds of unhealthy attachments.
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