Hi, I've posted here many times in 2006 trying to save my 3-Year marriage to my now ex-wife. We have now been officially divorce for only a few weeks.

Here is my story in brief nutshell...

My wife and I separated in late Feb. She said she wasn't happy and felt alone. I had been battling some chronic anxiety for quite a while and it got to the point where I didn't do as many social things with her and my issues become front and center. Needless to say, I didn't show enough love and attention...and I deeply apologized for this to her and wanted to reconcile.

She moved out to her parents house to sort things out. We stayed on good terms and I gave her space. I was kind, loving, and understanding each time I talked to her or saw her. She eventually got involved with her ex-bf from high school as well. I know they emotionally got involved, but that is all I know. He has always been a friend of her whole family and lives in the same small town.

So anyway, my wife finally said that she just wanted to divorce. She always cried when she expressed her feelings.
So we divorced and sold our house. She now lives with her parents in the country and I have my own apt. Once the divorce was filed, I really cut myself off from her.

Ok, so the other day we had to talk on the phone about some financial stuff. I was just emailing her, but she wanted me to call her at work, so I did.

We ended up talking for over an HOUR on the phone while she was at work. She is a supervisor and she told me she kept getting Instant Messages related to work, but instead of answering them, she shut her office door and talked with me. We talked like we had never left each other. We laughed. She asked all kinds of questions about my life, etc with sincere interest.

She even broke down and cried and said she really misses talking to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It is obvious that she has some sort of deep feelings there.

There are some final paperwork that needs to be signed and also some checks that she has that need to be given to me. I've told her via email just to mail them to me, etc. But she insisted "going to lunch" or "coming over" to do it since it would be easier.

I'm not holding out 100% hope we will get back together, but isn't this strange? Looking back, my wife and I were together for 5 years, married for 3. We were GREAT friends! I think we only had 2-3 arguments ever and were always very respectable to each other.

This past year we finally had a major issue (her not being happy) and instead of working on it together, she just went all the way with divorce.

I wonder if she is having second thoughts about all that now with all the freedom and space. Now I'm REALLY gone out of her life...and maybe the "bad" which could be fixed is starting to be way overshadowed with the "good" I offered.

What do you think?

I think it depends on what might be going on......she could be reminising about the past, or she could really miss you. My EX did the same thing after 3yrs of divorce, and my RE-marriage. She felt remorse about breaking up the family an d said she wish we were all still together. Me personally??? I think my EX said those things because her relationship with the OM went cold. Could this be the problem with your EX??? Maybe or maybe not.....but, I can tell you one thing.....do you want to go thru this type of thing again?? Someone who just gives up on a marriage? What if you did get back with her, and she did the same thing again 10yrs from now with kids and family involved???

MY EX DID THIS.......she was unhappy 15yrs ago, wanted a divorce....filed, and came running back. We didnt divorce and had 2 children.....only for her to say the same thing about being unhappy 10yrs later. This time she went thru it and said....."I should have divorced you the first time, I was just scared".

Good luck, and please dont rush into anything until you fully investigate what is going on.

God Bless.

Paul,

Keep in mind she got involved with this guy right away and maybe it did not work out. She feels lonely and now you are "good enough" again. You don't want that my friend.

However, you sound like a compassionate, forgiving man and you still love her. Sounds like you 2 may have a 2nd chance.

Keith

Hey Paul,

How are things going besides with your ex-wife? With you? Are you adjusting, okay? Looking forward to other things, hobbies, interests in YOUR life? Sounds like she has some regrets and she should, she made a bad decision to get a divorce.

She might be feeling guilty about it and wants to smooth things over with you. I would say, in my opinion, really give this some time to play out. Let her come to terms with what she's doing and done. She obviously wants to feel comforted in some way, but didn't she also just divorce you?

Treat her respectfully but also get to a place where you can be independent again before you think about repairing this relationship. If you go back in too raw it may only lead to some more heartache down the road. She also has a lot of things to work out.

I just think with the divorce so fresh you should seriously consider what your place is with this woman.

I do love my ex-wife unconditionally...for better and worse because I know her heart is genuine, it always has been. The thing is, I think she got emotionally involved with her ex at the time because it probably felt safe and secure in a way and she felt lost and confused to a point. Plus, he could fill that emotional need that I didn't at the time...but she knows that I was wanting to change and had made a mistake, she just didn't give me a chance to really show my love.

During this WHOLE time I've always said I love her no matter what. Maybe now that is really starting to resonate now that I'm GONE out of her life. Also, I'm sure if she is involved with her ex, either things aren't as great as she hoped or it is dead in the water. It didn't have a solid foundation anyway so it wouldn't surprise me. This is a guy that cheated on her in HS and she broke up with him.

I'm still going to keep my distance big time. She needs to realize that this divorce is her choice and that I was actually very good to her, not perfect, but very good to her...I'm confident in that. But, I know I took her for granted and would never do that again...and I think she knows that.

It hurts so bad to love someone SO much AND still have much respect and friendship between each other...yet not be together.

IMHO.....your EX could have figured out alot of things just being separated.....but, she went all the way with the divorce. To me, there is more to all of this than you probably suspect. People just dont up and divorce unless they are no longer in love with their spouse, or if there is someone else they have a total EA/PA relationship with. At least 99-99.999999% of the time

My wife left me for OM four months ago. She broke my heart and we haven't spoken in weeks although we are still officially married (she hasn't filed yet).

I would be very hesitant if she called and began trying to repair our relationship. It doesn't mean she wouldn't have had a real change of heart, and I've been praying for her constantly, but if it were me, I would keep my distance and give it a lot of time and even then I'm not sure I would ever go back to her.

For your own sanity, I would assume your ex-wife is under some great emotional weight and pain and she may simply be coming back to what is familiar and safe. If she were to try to repair things, I would say test her, test her and test her again.

I'm thinking she probably loves me, but not IN LOVE with me like she once was. In fact, she had said something like that during the separation. I was hoping we could "rekindle" that spark, but I never got the chance because she moved out to her parents.

Maybe now she is realizing that maybe she did love me more afterall. I don't know.

I guess the thing to do is to cut off the contact and let her pursue me...and if I get hints of some sort of reconciliation or "rekindling", than I might pursue that. But if it is really going to work, she is going to have to show interest in me enough to start again.

Time has a funny way of changing people and really giving them time to reflect on what was good and bad at the time. And then one realizes that the "bad" wasn't so bad afterall compared to what could be.

She's probably hoping you can be friends now that you're divorced more than considering full reconciliation. Are you up for that? If not, you might just need to gently detach yourself and be unavailable.

It would be nice if it was more, but I think at this point that's the most likely scenario (until she starts talking about regrets).

Mys

Methinks either the old-BF is gone, or he is not meeting some emotional needs that you can. She is letting you meet those needs.
Can you build that back up into her falling in love? Do you want to?

Here is my thinking...

I love my ex-wife and would love to have her back in my life...BUT only if SHE wanted me back. But on the other hand, I just don't see us being able to just be friends and leave it at that. It may work for her, but not for me. I LOVE her, I don't want to just be friends, why drag out my heart like that?

So, the problem is...what are her real intentions? Is she wanting to JUST be friends, or is she really missing me in a way that she may want me back in her life to the point of rekindling love? THAT is my dilemma.

For now, I'm laying low. If she wants to contact me, I will let her. I guess we will see how much she wants to have contact...I'm sure that will be a sign.

Myschae, if she starts talking about regrets, etc. don't you think that would be a real sign of maybe reconciling?

Excuse me if I hijacked your question......but, I think it would be very hard to tell. Alot of times its hard to know where WS/EXs are coming from. It may look like one thing and be another. Usually EXs emotions are all over the place....they want to come back, then want to be friends, then want to be left alone, then regrett......who the ****** knows??

QUOTE: “Looking back, my wife and I were together for 5 years, married for 3. We were GREAT friends! I think we only had 2-3 arguments ever and were always very respectable to each other.

This past year we finally had a major issue (her not being happy) and instead of working on it together, she just went all the way with divorce.”

PaulD, this seems a little naïve to me. This is your perspective of the relationship. Given that she was unhappy, she left, and she went all the way for divorce, I wager your ex’s version of the relationship would be different.

Why am I bringing this point up? Because I think you need to recognize there may have been a lot more problems than you realize, before you decide how to handle your ex-wife.

QUOTE: “I do love my ex-wife unconditionally...for better and worse”

Once again, I think this statement is naïve. It smacks of the “love conquers all” myth. If your ex-wife starts playing head games, or attempts to kill you, you will probably stop loving her. Your love is conditional on all kinds of things. Just as is hers. Why is this mindset important right now? Because once you move away from the myth of unconditional romantic love, you realize that eventually you would get over loving your ex in anything other than the Christian sense. Armed with that knowledge, your attitude toward your ex’s overtures changes. She is no longer the only cure for the pain you are in. She may not even be a cure, depending on the whole truth of the relationship. (Whole truth is your experience of the relationship, her experience, and what really happened.)

Personally, I think you should tread very carefully here. You don’t know what she wants. She may not know what she wants. And you are highly vulnerable.

LOL.....Greengables......you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I was saying.....I doubt she knows what she wants. I guarantee her emotions are all over the place right now. She may want him back right this very second, and next week want to be divorced again. I would be VERY careful.....

To jump straight to divorce so quickly is NOT a good sign.

Greengables, I agree with you. Obviously, the issues were MAJOR issues for her to divorce, she must have been REALLY unhappy to go that far. Trust me, I take a ton of the blame for the downfall of our marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will be careful. I'm not seeking her out at all and when we do talk, I don't ask about anything except for things like her work and her family. I don't ask about who she is dating, etc. And I also don't try to pursue her to come back to me.

And, I must admit, if she came back to me today...I would be very nervous about if she is willing to stick it out with me or will she bail AGAIN tomorrow.

Marriage and love takes work. I was willing to work. She has even admitted she should have spoken up earlier before things got so critical, but she didn't want me to think she was a "nag" as she says. But look what holding in her REAL feelings did! I've ALWAYS been for open communication, no matter what...she admits she is bad at it. I think she is really learning the importance of it now.

Just had time to skim through the first post in this thread... It sounds like you detached from her and gave her the space she needed to figure some things out for herself. Im not saying one way or the other, but what you have done is employed one of the basic principles of Divorce Busting (DB). You might want to check out divorcebusting.com for some more insight and encouragement about what actions to take next.

I originally posted on here, but ended up over there as some of the things that were happening in my relationship with my wife fit better with the methodology behind DB, though Marriage Building will definitely come in if my wife and I end up together.

Krylos

Hey Krylos,

Yes, I'm VERY familiar with divorcebusting.com. I read her books and posted on that forum months ago when I was trying to save my marriage.

Are you and your wife now separated or divorced? IF so, why do you think you might get back together?

I'm not holding out for my wife to come back to me, but I guess deep down I do dream of it in a way. I do need to surrender to what "is" right now and just move forward as hard as it is.

Well, I wish that I could be a positive enough person to think that my wife and I will get back together. I think that it is more that I HOPE we will get back together. The positive things that we have going right now is that despite both of us throwing the divorce card at each other so many times (me more than her because I was so fed up with her actions, etc at the time), and even though we haven't had any real relationship talk since she moved out, we did finally sit down one night and I told her that I did not want a divorce, that I never ever wanted one, and that I only ever used it because I was in a lot of pain and I knew that the threat of divorce hurt her deeply. I wanted her to feel my pain and that is how I hurt her. I apologized for it and she appreciated that. She said that she was not going to file and I told her I would not either. She said that she wanted a REAL separation though, and I told her "Ok."

So, long story short, I don't know that we will ever get back together, but we aren't going any further than we have so far with moving apart. I'm giving her space and time to think, and in return, I have gotten three hugs and a kiss on the cheek in the last few days when I have seen her. It has been months since she initiated contact like that. Small steps... baby steps... but it has to start somewhere, and I'm letting her have the driver's seat for a while. She needs this. As much as it sucks, and as much as it hurts to not have her here at home, if I tried to keep her here she would be gone completely.

I'm pretty new to the DB principles, but when I told her that I was going to be ok, and I started to smile when she was around and "Act As If" everyting was going great it was like a huge weight was lifted off of her. I mean, I actually saw it happen.

I know that we still love each other. I believe it is true. Its just that we kept doing what didn't work. Now we have some time and space. She can clear her head and feel the independence she has missed, and I can work on improving myself and get back to being the strong, confident, funny guy that she fell in love with. And, if it doesn't work out in the end, I'm still a better person for it, and she knows that I cared enough to take a risk and let her go.

So, I would never want to instill a false hope in you, but maybe the divorce has given your ex the true, mental break that she needs. Maybe what you did before just wasn't quite the right thing to do. Just remember to "Act As If" everyting is going the way you want, keep the positive mental attitude, continue to give her the space she needs (if she is still needing that), and see where things go from here. I hope for you the very best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Krylos

PaulD


I don't think she understands that. Unfortunately, too, it's hard to just break off all contact because any reconciliation would happen because you're friends.

I think the healthiest thing for you to do is guard your heart at this point. Unless she flat out tells you that she's sorry for the divorce and wishes it was different, I wouldn't assume that thought was anywhere near her. She's probably just thinking that you two can be best buddies w/out the relationship.


It depends on which regrets. Regrets she hurt you? No. Missing time with you? No. Regrets that she didn't work it out think more about the divorce, give the marriage chances? That's looking promising.

I'm more worried about you being kept 'on the hook' and not being able to move on than I am you missing an opportunity. Ya know?

Mys

Thanks Myschae, very good and valid points.

You are right though, if there was going to be a reconciliation, we would have to be friends FIRST...and that is the part I'm really grappling with. To be friends, or cut of all ties.

For now, since everything is so fresh, I'm just keeping my distance. If we talk over the phone, I will be nice. But I' not going to reach out to her unless I really need to for other reasons besides just needing or wanting to talk.

We talked for over an hour the other day. It had been a LONG time since we ever talked like that. Initially, she had emailed me and wanted me to call her because she was confused about some financial things we are trying to tie the loose ends up on. Well, that conversation quickly turned to each other.

At the time, that was nice. It felt really, really good to talk to her and to know it also felt good to her. BUT...the last couple days after our conversation I've been really down and sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It has made me realize what I miss.

That conversation was like dangling a carrot in front of me in a way...just out of reach.

God I hope my life gets better with or without her, this is so hard.