Firsttimer, also read this:

[color:"blue"] Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists... [/color]

This is not hiding from the temptation. NC is PROTECTING yourself from the temptation and YOUR WEAKNESS! This is protecting your marriage.


NC is "dealing" with the issue. The "issue" is your weakness and this temptation to keep communicating with the OM. Firsttimer, I understand how you feel and how you miss the OM and want to talk to him. I've been there and I can tell you EVERY ONE of those last emails the OM and I sent to each other was not helping me get over the OM. Each time we communicated, it made it that much harder to go NC. Each email kept feeding my addiction to the OM. The only way to end the addiction is to stop. Yes, it's painful, and right now you can't see how you will make it, but I'm here to tell you that you will! But, you need to make the choice to come clean with your husband and send a NC letter to the OM.

No, you have this completely backwards. The feelings go away when you STOP THE CONTACT. The feelings CAN'T go away if you continually see or speak to him. As with an alcoholic, he can't withdraw if he continues to drink and hang out in bars. He can only withdraw and recover with COMPLETE abstinence. That is not "ignoring" the problem, that is RESOLVING the problem.

Hey firsttimer perhaps I can be of assistance in helping you forget the OM.. See, I have a good friend that is seeking a relationship with a married woman. He lies, cheats and steals. He is overweight, has strange hair and dresses poorly. He doesn't care about anyone else but himself. The feelings of others matter not to him. He will date one woman while pursuing another in order to feed his narcissim. He loves to string women along and tell them lines about himself in order to bed them. He can't stay committed it's too confining and demanding, too many real responsibilities like work, kids, bills, laundry, house up keep, etc. He had rather have no responsibilities other than seeing who his next conquest is going to be so that he can brag to the guys at the bar about bedding them. He hates children as he seeks to break up families at every chance presented him. He thinks kids are better off coming from split homes and traveling miles upon miles to see one parent or another or learning that loyalty, your word, committment and dignity have no place. Only those who look out for themselves get what they want is his personal credo.

I think he would be a great mate for you and may allow you to get over thoughts about the OM except for one problem, you are already pining over a man just like this!!!

I hate to be so blunt but do you GET IT. This guy is a slime bag, coward, piece dried up manure and if he blew away tomorrow the world would be cleaner by one piece of ****. How much more do you need to know about this guy?

Hopeandpray: Excellent post. I doubt firsttimer will get it though. I cannot tell you how many analogies I presented that were dismissed or rebuted. She will only get it when she distances herself permanently, and then looks behind her and sees what a complete a$$ she had been. I am waiting for this moment to happen in my marriage as well.

I understand the analogy, and I agree that an addict shouldn't "use" drugs/alcohol, but shouldn't an alcoholic - if they are truly over the addiction - be able to at least walk by a bar and not be tempted to go in?

Isn't that the true example of being "healed" - when I can see OM and NOT be affected.... maybe not - just a thought.

How will they "get over the addiction" if they don't stop drinking? You can't get over your affair if you don't WITHDRAW and you can't withdraw until you STOP ALL CONTACT.

Just as with an alcoholic, the affairee NEVER "gets over their addiction," they simply arrest it. They don't play fools games by tempting themselves unneccesarily. [the correct analogy is having a drink since just seeing the OP is the same as having a drink] An alcoholic NEVER drinks again. The reason that MB principles work so well is because they prescribe that the affairees are to NEVER - NEVER EVER - see the affair partner again. That is how you keep the addiction in remission. That is why this WORKS. This is why AA works.

Do you imagine that an alcholic can stay sober if you send them into the bar every day and set a beer in front of them? They look at that drink and think of nothing else. They remain OBSESSED with that drink because they never withdraw. When the inevitable weak moment hits them, they take that drink and are right back where they started. This tactic only ensures that the addict NEVER withdraws and before long, they are back at it again. It is a fools mission that never works.

An alcoholic does not play with fire if they want to STAY SOBER. Just as a WS who truly wants to stay affair free will not play games with contact.


No, not at all, because there is no healing, just remission. Seeing the OM will only rekindle your feelings. Just as having ONE drink will rekindle those feelings in an alcholic and start him back to binge drinking.

firstimer, another reason that you can't see the OM anymore is becuase it would be grossly disrespectful to your H. He should never tolerate that. He can't ever recover himself and rebuild trust if you continue contact with the OM. You owe him at least that much.

...and you also owe the truth - the whole truth - to your H firsttimer... That means coming clean with your H about ALL the additional contacts you had with OM since you've told your H about the EA.

As I've said to you yesterday, the longer you wait to come clean with your H about this, the more you’re piling up continuous betrayal, secrets, lies & deception against him... The longer you're waiting, the more difficult it will become for you to eventually come clean with your H...and the further you will move away from a recovered M and a M where there can be true intimacy between you and your H.

Firsttimer, listen to what Suzet said here, and also what I've shared previously. Not coming clean with your H with your continued betrayal to him will only hinder your recovery of your marriage.

When are you going to tell him? When are you going to send a NC letter to the OM? What is preventing you from doing this? I know it's not easy, but it is the only way you will move forward. I've been there firsttimer. I had continued betrayal of email contact with the OM after I told my H of the EA and had to come clean. It's not easy, but it IS the only way to recovery and moving past this to achieve honesty and intimacy in your marriage.

A Native American legend:

A young boy was walking in the mountains, high up, near the tree line. The weather was cold and winter was about to begin.

As he walked along, he found a rattle snake. It was coiled up tightly, braced against the cold wind.

“Please help me!” the snake said to the boy, “If I don’t get down to lower elevations and warm up, I’ll surely die.”

“Help you?” asked the boy, “why would I help someone who could harm me?”

“If you don’t help me, Ill die!” said the snake. “But if you’ll just pick me up and take me down the mountain with you, I’ll have a chance to live.”

“But you’ll bite me if I touch you, and then I will die,” said the boy.

“No,” said the snake, “I promise, that if you’ll help me, I’ll let you live, for I will owe you my life.”

So the boy, after contemplating his course of action, picked up the snake, placed him inside his coat and began his long climb down the mountain.

The snake began to warm up inside the boy’s coat, and as his strength returned. He began to move around, and then he bit the boy on his side.

The boy tore the snake out of his coat and shouted, “You said you wouldn’t bite me if I helped you and now you’ve done just that! I am going to die here on the mountain and my family will be devastated. No one will even know what happened to me. My people may even blame the neighboring people and think that they have done something to me. There could be a great war and many will die. You promised! How could you do such a thing?”

“You knew “said the snake, “what I was when you picked me up.”


In the story of David and Bathsheba, 2Sam 11:1 says "at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army."

David was where he should not have been, and fell to the temptation.

If you go where you shouldn’t go and seek out that which can harm you, you will be bitten by the snake! Only one Man has ever been successful at resisting all temptation!

It isn’t about resisting, it is about boundaries.

Awesome post, Betrayedhub!

Firsttimer,

In addition to Mark1952's EXCELLENT post above, read these 2 chapters from book "The Purpose Driven Life" on how to grow through and defeat temptation too.

OK - I'm going on over a week now with NC with OM. It actually feels good and liberating for me. When I talk with OM I can't wait for the next time and the next time and the next. But - once I don't have NC for a good chunk of time (like over a week or longer), I feel like I emerge from the grip of the addiction. I can do NC - I see it's benefits now and that this is the only way to really let go of all of this.

Things are going fantastic with H - there is no way I'm going to ruin that by bringing up a few phone calls from OM from weeks ago. I do feel like the passion has "peaked" with OM and that the attraction has dissipated. Combine that with NC and I really feel like all this is finally over.

Thank God that I'm coming out of this fog and my marriage is still in tact. I am so thankful that I get a second chance to make my marriage better than it's ever been.


I appreciate all your guidance and help and I will keep you all posted on how things are going, but for now I think I'm going to check out for awhile. Thanks again - could NOT have made it through this experience without this website and all your advice! You guys are great! Thanks again!

Firsttimer, before you run off for awhile, tell us what you plan to do next time the OM tries to contact you? What safeguards do you have set up to prevent him contacting you? You know he will try, but you have done nothing to prevent him from contacting you. This is why telling your husband of the additional contact you had and writing a NC letter with your husband will help you with NC. Please consider this. I know what it's like to be weak. You are not as strong as you say you are right now.

2BN-

Boy...doesn't your advice sound familiar?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Firstimer-

I've not read your whole thread...I'll try to do so later today when I've got some time. But the advice you're getting from ML, Suzet, 2BN and others is all right on the money. You're no where near the point where you can "walk by the bar" yet. You need to get past the point where you crave going to the bar in the first place.

And as far as telling your H...trust me, as a BH, the longer you wait, the more difficult trust will be to regain with your H. Ask 2BN about the advice I'd given her when she was going through this...as a matter of fact, do a search for a thread by CARDSONLY on this forum, and read it yourself friend.