What do you do when your WS starts accusing you of wanting someone else? Of course it is all fabricated and unjustified...just another passive aggressive tactic to try and control or justify WS actions or guilt...it is making me FURIOUS, LIVID and destroying anything good that has happened in the past few days. Prior to this he was verbally encouraging me to get a boyfriend??? I don't know how to address it. I told him that if he didn't want me to be honest about it and not use some lame attempt at accusing me of wanting someone else as an excuse to storm out of a marriage.

He actually went as far as saying that he did feel sorry for me b/c I was so devastated by his infidelities and lost weight, couldn't eat etc but now realizes that I have "other options", "back-ups" so he will no longer feel bad...WTH

I don't want to feed into this or give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much this is upsetting me. It is such bull...I can't even believe I am dealing with this

If you don't mind telling me I was wondering how many times you've been through this and how often have you been to marriage counseling. I recently found out my H "messed up" again for the third time. I've been to MC, IC, had a mentor, and I'm tired. We have 5 children and H promises to do whatever and committ to M and ongoing IC and MC. I know you're suppossed to forgive 7 times full, but I feel like I have to relive it over and over again.

2much, disengage and walk away. Refuse to discuss it. It is WS tactics to divert the guilt from them to you.

lostandempty, my H had 3 affairs and an OC. We are in early recovery now.

Thanks FF, figured that was the best way to deal with it...he has been trying to bait me with comments all day long. I will just ignore and walk away or change subject. Thank goodness the week ahead is going to be very busy!

It makes me extremely angry that WH would resort to these tactics but par for the course...does this fall anywhere in particular on the WS timeline or is it just a random tactic? He tried it long ago but I never bought into the game and it died...I did respond initially this time but caught myself after the first knee-jerk response...unfortunately I think that gave him the fuel to spark the attack since he knows it gets my goat.

I was going to be out overnight tonight due to having to be out of town early in the morning tomorrow and was trying to make life easier on me. After this attack I decided to just leave early in the morning so as not to provide fuel to the spark...I think this is exactly what WH intended therefore he wins...should I go with my original plan and leave tonight just for the principle of the thing?

Hi 2much...I would go with what you had planned.... and make it easier on you...because you really need to!

2Much - I have nothing to offer here except to say your H is an [censored] - but you already knew that. ((((2Much))))

It's been a week since I last posted...

I have focused on taking care of me and my children...

Have remained calm and in control of what is mine...

Seems like WH is noting this and has become more concerned and is making small efforts to spend a little time together...I have obliged but maintained a pleasant somewhat detached demeanor...loving but detached

WH now making joking comments regarding my future...asking me what am I going to do if I have to start dating again

Testing and probing jokingly to see if I am worried about child custody issues...making statements like, "maybe you are worried that I am going to give you trouble with custody issues"

We haven't even discussed a plan for now since he has avoided it and refuses to discuss or participate in a joint plan for R or D...just chooses limbo so he can continue to "figure out what I want"...I am moving on and he is seeing it but I make no response back to his testing questions b/c that would then confirm/deny that I am moving in a specific direction...

I have made a few comments in general re: future such as, "I don't know exactly what to do about XXX since we haven't even decided whether we are going to be together or not by that time"

Is this the correct way to handle this? I am chosing to move on with/without his participation...I am leaving the door open if he decides to get himself on my path...I am not wasting anymore words telling him what I want/need...he is well aware and can make his own choices.

I am proactively handling business and will continue to...I will have to be making some major decisions regarding relocation. I will be due for reassignment in Jun and can't decide if it would benefit the family to try and remain where we are to provide some consistency for my children, however if we are going to R the M at some point I really don't feel it is possible if we stay here b/c of the # of OPs that are here and at his place of employment that he continues to interact with on a daily basis. OTOH, if we D I could care less about the OPs and his personal choices and think that remaining here would be best for my children. Problem is that I have no idea what direction M will go and I need to start working my assignment to plan for summer.

Any advice or suggestions from an objective bystander would be greatly appreciated.

I am trying to figure out what it is that I want so that I can start moving in that direction not just with business but emotionally as well. I think WH may have been accurate when he told me last month, "you are not that good, there is no way you will be able to deal with all the damage I created and not be bitter and resentful...I can't see you being able to get over the mess I have made". I am that good but not sure that is the choice I want to make...

Good job, 2much. Taking care of yourself and your children SHOULD be your primary focus and concern. Loving detachment is the goal for now, you appear to be doing very well. Do you feel better and more in control of your life? Don't react or respond to this kind of talk unless YOU are ready to file for divorce. Otherwise, just say "I don't do divorce" and walk away. If you are not interested in divorce at this point, I would not mention this again. You continue on living life one day at time until you are ready to make a decision for you. So now I ask what do YOU want? Do you still see/feel hope for your M and for him? What kept me going during the worst of everything was still seeing a glimmer of my H in there. Knowing he was going to church every Sunday with me. He was still at home and still there for our kids, even during the times he insisted he wanted a divorce. Even though I had initiated the D, I decided at that point I would do nothing to move forward with it until I was certain I had done everything I could and I was at a point of being at peace with divorce.

Isn't it funny how they always try to get us to do their dirty work. YOU wont be able to get over this, YOU will be bitter and angry. Sheesh what exactly does that make him?

It is up to you sweetie and I am so glad to see you more even and in control. It comes down to what/when you are at peace with. Until then, you do not have to do anything more than you are now. You can occasionally throw at him that you "have a plan for recovering your marriage" if he is interested. Then drop it. Only you can tell which way this is going. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Thanks FF,

I am much more calm and controlled. I am struggling with trying not to worry about the time constraints on my needing to make a decision regarding relocation. I would like to be able to do what WH suggested and just go on preparing things as if we will D and if be some chance things improve then it will be a bonus...I don't think that things just "happen" without putting effort and having a plan so I think this is foolish.

Unfortunately WH is not at church with me and rarely here for kids...difficulty envisioning a change. I will be deciding to make the most of each day, pray that God will guide me in his path and be faithful that I will know what to do when the time comes. I will take care of all I need to in order to make things secure for myself and the children...if it happens to upset my WH then that will be his to deal with...I feel the clock ticking and it is not a good feeling:(

Decided to throw in the towel today...did a little recon effort and found 2 unopened cards...2 different OWs...opened both...both saying they love him and are there for him etc. Also found love song CD from yet another OW...and a special notebook full of love notes from...yep yet another OW...all of these work with WH or are clients...too tired to deal with this...doubt this cycle will be broken and see no effort on WH to cease contact from these OWs:(

I'm sure better days are ahead and I will work to get to that road for the sake of my children. I can sleep at night knowing I have done everything in my power aside from waiting for a miracle to bring him back home to God and his family.

{{2much}} I agree with your decision. Hold your head high knowing this is not about YOU. My email addy is killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com

email me anytime.