A good friend just asked a question I deemed worthy of the board.

In essence, she asked, "Why would I tolerate or want to stay in a relationship with a b*tchy woman."

My flippant answer is, aren't they all b*tchy?

My real answer... Probably because my mom is b*tchy and controlling. And emotionally distant too, I suppose. Same with my sisters, to an extent.

My entire relationship history doesn't involve b*tchy, controlling, emotionally distant women, but a number of the ones I'm attracted to are. How does one rise above the flaws instilled in childhood?

I am not so attracted to sweet, nice, giving women. But how do I get beyond that? Do I need to see a shrink? I mean, we're attracted to what we're attracted to, right? How can I change who I'm attracted to?

I have a great book suggestion for you BGuy......

Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

According to the author we basically are drawn to people who are very similar to our parents b/c we are looking to our partners to heal childhood wounds. The fact that you are attracted to women who are like your mother says alot, I think.

I think it'll answer alot of the very questions you are asking. It was a real eye opener for me.

Thanks. I've ordered the book.

It's an interesting concept. Here's a Wikipedia entry about Imago Therapy.

The short of it... you can't change who you're attracted to. You just need to change/improve your communication skills with your SO, which is pretty much the heart of the MB concept.

Also makes me think about my role as a father and how that will affect the people my children choose.

I agree to some extent but I also believe it's partly due to our choices of being with people who exhibit the same behaviors we have grown up with even if it's bad.It may not be healthy or good but we know how to handle being in those situations so it feels familiar and we can cope.It's what you know.

An unhealthy partner can't heal your wounds,in my opinion, unless they help you to look at the whole relationship differently,which not everyone is aware of or knows how to do.You can try to work through it assuming the other wants to go to therapy too.Otherwise you're just reliving what you went through as a child.

Personally,I think the first step is to realize what it was exactly that affected you in your childhood,identifying mistakes and behaviors,etc and then,seeking out healthy relationships that do not involve those bad or hurtful reminders/behaviors.It's all a learning process.