This may go against the grain of what most of the advice you will get here says, but personally I think that if it's been four months of true NC, then I wouldn't ask him to send an NC letter...because that in itself would be contact.

Instead, I'd ask him to follow up with the rest of the 'extraordinary measures' that should happen to safegaurd you and your marriage.

1. Change his email and phone numbers....ALL OF THEM. If he can't change a work one, he needs to SHOW YOU that he's blocked her email addy, and be ready for spot checks.

2. Complete accountability in any other way he carried on the affair. Times, methods, etc...

3. He needs to come up with ways HIMSELF to reassure you that he's committed and doing the right things.

4. Continued MC/IC, whatever else you feel is needed.

Thanks Owl for your reply.

I agree with you that at this point, it might not be wise to push for a NC letter.

The problem is that last contact (email initiated by her), which was about 2 months ago, was through his work email and he responded. He told me that she was in distress and he told her to see a doctor for her mental states. I'm sure there was more to it but WH wouldn't share more.
If this turned out to be there final contact (I'm not 100% sure if OW would initiate email again), it doesn't sound like a good closure to anybody and lingering feelings might make our recovery more difficult.

I have changed our family cell number, which OW used for contact during A. Other methods are his blackberry and his work email. He gave me his blackberry password, which has access to his work email also. But I know if he wants to contact, he can do it easily using other method. And his work email I can't access, he could delete her email easily and I wouldn't be able to know.

Last weekend we were very busy with kids activities and furniture shopping. We built up enough positive feelings toward each other and Sunday night I was feeling some affections from him caring about me. But as soon as I felt it, I became sad and angry and when he was logged on from home to his work email, I asked if I could have access to his work email. He said no. He said there was nothing there.
I felt very angry but I stayed calm. I told him I needed that to feel safe. His anger subsided but he didn't say anything. I still don't have access to his work email.
We both calmed down that night and even had SF.

On monday I'm feeling bad again because his refusing to give me access to his work email. How do I go to talk to him about my feelings? Both of us are bad at communicating our feelings. But I feel that I have to continue to push access to his work email because that's where the last contact happened.

I feel that I don't have the skill to calmly make my feelings known and I need to improve on that.

He has been completely accountable on all other things...

At this stage, how do I initiate talks about A? I'm not sure if it's too early because I know he is still in pain talking about anything related to his A. His pain seems very intense because whenever a talk was initiated by me (he never initiated any), I can almost feel his pain/anger.
Is he still in withdrawal? But he funtions pretty normal in his daily life. I know in Plan A, if the A is still active or if WS is still in withdrawal, I should initiate R talks. But I'm just confused about if he is over that period or not? By initiate R talks, am I doing something he is not capable of right now ( he seems incapable to me), or he is using his reaction to avoid any such deep talk?
If I don't initiate any talk now, does it send a message to him that I'm ok with it and life should just go on like this? I know I won't be ok, but I'm not sure when I should start initiating those talks again? I do see his reaction getting less and less intense and there seems hopeful that eventually he will come around. Do I just keep trying occasionally?

Again a long post. Thanks for any input.

I would place boundaries in place including what it is I(yes I am talking about YOU, ME, I) need to heal and to begin to move the M towards recovery. If he isn't willing to do it then I would have another set of circumstances to consider, no ifs ands or buts. To ****** with his anger and pain, what about yours. He's the ahole who's ruined your family and he is worried about his pain and anger. A NC letter would be a must if it were me as well as access to his work email (if he has nothing to hide then what's the problem). And, no he has not earned any of your trust. This should not be all on you...Nay, this should be mostly on him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks hopeandpray.
I have been thinking about the same thing. Reinforce my boundaries. I do need to access his work email. What I'm not sure is: what should I be doing if he refuses? I don't know if I am ready to seek a separation if he refuses to share it with me...He told me that my controlling and overbearing behavior ( I had been controlling ) drove him away before, so I'm not sure how to go get this boundary thing across to him the best way I can.
Again, how can I be sure that I'm ready to move to plan B if he refuses to send NC letter? I will be wondering if I did a good plan A or not...His actions otherwise showed me that he wanted to be fully commited. Should I try to do a 180 first if he refuses to be completely open to me?
Anybody has similar experience on doing 180 when WH's fog is lifting but not completely gone and had good results?

Thanks again.

Here is an email I just sent him. Any comments:
DH:

Sometimes it takes some time for me to really recognize my own feelings and convey it to you.

Sunday night’s talk really hurt me deeply because of your response and the tone you used. It brought out the feelings of fresh betrayal due to the last email contact. You did make it better and safer for me by telling me the truth about the contact when I asked. I want to thank you for that again.

I understand it’s your choice to do what you did and I had no control over it, and will not have control in the future. I understand that I only have control over myself.

I’m very clear about what I need to feel safe and I’m very clear about my boundaries at this moment.

I just have to let you know that I do feel more and more safety with you lately, but that night, I felt very unsafe. And my heart was looking for a safer place to land, to be held and to be protected.

I’m sharing my thoughts with you and I hope you give me the honor to share your thoughts with me also, some day.

And make your story our story. And I believe that’s the only way we can heal, together.