New thread for mcp39:

I'm a newbie, but am loving this site. It has been so helpful to me to see that I'm not alone, and can seek advice/support from people who have been through what I'm going through. My H has been having affair for about 1 yr. The OW pursued him until he gave in. WEAK!!! This isn't the first, and I just thought it would go away like the other, so ignored it. BIG MISTAKE on my part. Nonetheless, I can't change the past, but can focus on the future. I confronted him/her just over a month ago. She is pregnant, and he is still involved with her. I am doing what I guess we'd call Plan A. He is struggling with ending the affair and staying in our marriage, or leaving us (we have 3 children) to be with her. She is using the baby to play on his emotions. This is the only thing they seem to have in common besides the affair. I totally believe in my heart that she got pregnant on purpose to force him to leave us. She said she didn't and he believes her (to some extent). I have told him that I will not keep him out of his child's life, after all it is not the fault of this innocent child that his parents were completely irresponsible. I will be there to help him raise this child and accept him (OC) into our family. I don't want to keep this a secret from our other children that they have a sibling. Enough lies/deceipt already. We haven't told the kids anything yet, until there is a decision made about what H intends to do. I will move to plan B if after 6 months (the baby will be here by then) H still has not made a decision. (I hope I'm getting the plans right, but I think you understand.) I will remove H from my life if he can't make a decision.

My question/my struggle is this .... I know that his relationship will die with OW if he moves in with her. They don't get along all that well, and have only the baby in common. Should I wait it out, or tell him to leave now...and wait for him to return (because I know he will.) I have read what seems like 1000 articles, but not too many out there deal with a child as a result of the affair.

Thanks for listening....and I hope someone will respond.

Sorry to see that you have found yourself in this situtation.

Looks like you have already put alot of thought into this, and H needs to make a decsion.

He needs to stop all C with OW now, the OC is not his respoinsiblity until DNA says it is. You have made it clear that you are understanding about the OC but marriage needs to be fixed, or OC wont have a family to come to, you guys need to use these months of pregnacy to fix the marriage, and OW needs to be out of the picture to give your marriage a fair chance in doing so.

It is not your guys concern that she has to go thru the pregnacy alone, she made that decsion when she slept with a married man.

Welcome to MB and to the club no one wants to be a part of.

"It is not your guys concern that she has to go thru the pregnacy alone, she made that decsion when she slept with a married man." EXACTLY

I completely agree with your advice. However, he isn't coming to any decision or conclusions on his own. I am doing all the necessary steps of plan A. Making home an inviting place to be, etc ... and he's home every day and every night. However, he isn't willing to stop seeing/being with her. She is using the baby to try and force his hand. I've not suggested DNA test to confirm paternity, as I think he's 100% convinced the child is his. How long do I continue "share" H with OW/OC (unborn)? When we discuss future, he just says "I don't know" ... he says he loves her and wants to give it a shot with her. Then I ask "then why aren't you there with her, and not here?" And again "I don't know" I am extremely patient and will give it the necessary time. But on the other hand, I think if I just let him go, that he will discover, that he really doesn't want to be there and will return home. I'm just torn with the decision. If I tell him to go, I am making his decision for him and I don't want to give him the easy road out. HELP!!!!! I just need to talk this through, and get some sound advice. I know no one can tell me what to do, but talking about it and hearing different people's opinion truly does help.

2nd thing I am struggling with is do we tell the kids? Our children are old enough to notice their father's unexplained absences. They question where he is, and wonder if he's going to leave us. Without us telling them anything. Do I tell them what is going on? They are 20, 16, and 12. I don't want to rip their world apart.

Oh yes, you should tell your children the truth. What have you told them so far?

>I don't want to rip their world apart.


Just so you know...YOU are not ripping anything. Your wh has already done the rending, tearing, and smashing. All of the destruction is by his hand (and OW) alone.

The telling is not on you. Shouldn't they know they (maybe) have a sibling?

JMHO.

- Kimmy

I am totally leaving this up to him to tell them. And I want them to have contact with their sibling, if that is their choice. I am just unsure when to tell them. I know they know that "something" is going on. After all there have been many unexplained disappearances of their father. And when they ask him where he's been, he simply tells them "none of your business". They aren't stupid, and I don't like lying to them when they ask me. I've told him we need to tell them soon, but am struggling with whether to tell them when he's still deciding if he's staying or leaving.....or while I'm still deciding if/when to tell him to leave until the A is over. I've read your story, and you are a rock Kimmy. I hope that I have the courage to be like you.

Only that their father has stuff going on in his life. My daughter (12) has asked if we are getting a divorce, which at this point we are not, and I told her that. She then asked if her Dad was going to abandon us. To which I answered, I don't know what he's going to do, and he doesn't know what he's going to do. I just think it's time he face the music.

>They aren't stupid, and I don't like lying to them when they ask me.

Do not allow HIS actions to make YOU a liar. You MUST NOT lower yourself for him.

When you compromise your core beliefs in order to protect him, you open yourself up to be a co conspiritor and are ALLOWING his behavior to continue.

Mulan - I think - says it...Never sheild the adulterer from the consequences of their actions.

That must be something you are steadfast on....for YOUR sake. YOU must behave above board or you mire yourself in HIS miasma.

(I was gonna say sh**...but miasma is a good word...not as smelly and worthy of describing an adulterer's actions...but still good)

I did what I thought best for my family. All my choices were my own....your choice might be different...but whatever YOU want, I want for you.

sorry, I meant to tell them the truth about the affair, not the possible OC.

Thanks for your help. I told him last week he needs to tell them what is going on. And have also said all along, they needn't know about the OC yet.

You are the best!!!!

He needs to man up and quit telling his CHILDREN it's none of their business when their FATHER disappears for days at a time. I find it sickening that some WS's discount thier childrens feelings so much when they involve themselves with an interloper. What a selfish jerk he's being... sorry mcp, but he makes me want to kick him in the nuts!!

HAHAHAHA ..... believe me, that thought has crossed my mind a couple times. He hasn't ever been gone days at a time before, unless the kids and I have been gone too. But it's just the hours without explanation. I guess when it comes right down to it days/hours doesn't really matter. Your point is well taken. He disappears less often now than before ... I hope he's coming to realize what he's doing. Time will tell.

Well, I'm glad to hear he doesn't disappear for days, but it still isn't right. It sucks that he is basically leaving you holding the bag on dealing with the children and their emotional well being. I hope for your sake, and your children's sake, that he wakes up to what he's doing.