Triggers! Triggers! Triggers! How do I handle this one?

H’s favorite uncle passed away and the funeral was Friday 5 hrs. away. We haven’t seen many of the relatives for well over a year. (H lost 60 lbs. During the A. Was supposed to be walking but was having SF with OW instead.) No one knows about H’s A except for my sister and our children

Everyone commented on the weight H lost and asked how he did it. He told them he watched what he ate and walked 5-7 miles every day. (If they only knew the real truth of it all…ha). It bothered me so much each time he would tell his weight loss “story”. The 2nd time I just had to walk away.

I’m hoping I won’t have to hear his weight loss story too many more times.

We got home from the funeral at 12:30 Sat. morning. Had to get up early to help DIL with a sale until 1 pm. H and I got ready and went to a friend’s birthday party 2 hrs. away. I fell asleep on the way home so I’m not sure what time we got home, but it was late.

I’m sure H may tell you that things have been going fairly well. I have been trying. I thought plan A was supposed to help the BS feel better too. Then why do I feel so rotten?

H said we were going to go through the timeline this last weekend, but it has been too busy. He said we could go through it Sun. evening. I didn’t want to do that because I felt I needed a day or two to absorb everything he tells me.

I’m getting involved in a new project at work that is very technical. My mind has to be sharp. As time goes on, it’s getting more difficult for me to handle this A stuff. I feel us drifting farther apart all the time and seem more distant now than before and during the A.

Getting tired of it all and just want the pain to go away. It seems like I am just walking around in a daze. Not much emotion except sadness. People can no longer call me “Sunshine”. The name “Zombie” is more fitting now. I’m trying to stay positive, but seem to be losing the battle.

My H wants to go through the timeline this weekend. We were hoping we could go out of town so there wouldn’t be any interruptions but we aren’t sure if it’s going to be possible. If this doesn’t work out, we are going to tell our children not to disturb us on Fri. evening and Sat.

I made an appt. yesterday for IC for myself but can’t get in to see her until July.

I just wish Mother’s Day wasn’t this weekend. It’s going to be a very difficult weekend and we both could use some words of encouragement and last minute advice.

My FWW went through the timeline exercise in late 2005. I think it helped that I did a bit of preparation work beforehand, putting together all the associated dates, places, etc. that I did know about. Also had at hand credit card information and a few other things I thought might help ease things along.

I think it was a helpful exercise. I basically jotted everything down in an "affair journal", and saved that away somewhere. Bear in mind though that for several months afterwards you may be affected by any particular "details" that come up during the discussion. I was prepared, and yes it happened, but I got over them (I think, LOL).

It really helps if you control your responses and don't attack during disclosure of any details you may not have heard before. Concentrating on jotting the details down helped me to avoid doing that. Something else might work for you.

Thank you ManInMotion for the ideas.
I am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for this. H has been more quiet this week and hasn’t been sleeping much. All the secrets and lies are taking their toll on both of us. I pray he can finally tell me the truth so we can start to recover.

I made up cards for both of us to use during the talk. We will also discuss “rules” using the POJA before we start talking. On one card I wrote the words “need a break”. On another one I wrote “take a deep breath” and “think before speaking”.

On a card for my H, I wrote the words “I love you with all my heart”. Also a card with something his MC told him this week. “Be honest. Even if you don’t want to, be honest anyway”.

If I have questions about something he tells me, I’m going to write them down in a notebook to ask later so I don’t interrupt him while he’s talking. I can also jot down the answers or details I didn’t know about.

We also thought of recording our talk, at least to start with. That way we can hear how we say things to each other and our tone of voice.

After this weekend, I’ll know if we have a M.

Update....going through FWH's timeline.

Instead of my H going through his timeline, he wanted me to ask questions and he would answer them. I'm not sure why he wanted to start out this way, but I went along with it.

We went through our "rules" to avoid LB's and DJ's, etc. I started to ask some questions and he answered them honestly. (My gut feeling). We took breaks as needed.

I had trouble asking my next question so I asked if he would take over for awhile from his timeline. He did. He started having a difficult time talking about when the kissing started.(I thought to myself...how is he going to get through the rest if talking about when the kissing started bothers him this much?)

I told him this is difficult for us both and held his hand. I remained very calm and in control so far. I asked him why he let the platonic kisses continue. I think there may have been some frustration in my voice so H asked if I needed a break. I said "yes".

I told my H I felt he was being honest and thanked him. During our "break", I felt emotionally exhausted. I think I even fell asleep for an hour or so. We had a nice dinner and just spent the evening together.

Sunday,we started back on the timeline again.H seemed to start out by trying to avoid the subject completely. He said, "after the first kiss, things progressed into SF".

Like I didn't know that? What does that mean? -No I didn't say this, I was thinking it.

When I asked him to explain, I got the same answer. Then, he said he needed a break. I went to play games on the computer for a while, then had to lay down again. H asked to continue, but I couldn't.

We continued talking last night. Much of what he has been telling me for the last 15 months has been lies. He even lied about the most insignificant things. That almost hurts more because I can't understand why he would do that.

We are going to continue the talk this evening. H said I'm doing very well at avoiding LB's and DJ's.

I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because he takes everything I say as a LB or DJ. How do I tell him how I feel without making him feel this way?

Am I doing something wrong?

TW,

No it sounds like you are doing great. I have missed a few of your posts because you post infrequently and I only check in during work hours. Sometimes I miss your posts completely.

It sounds like your H is really trying. It sounds like you are being accepting and not trying to LB or DJ.

I don't know if it happens in your case but be aware sometimes it isn't what you say it is how you say it. LOL.

Sometimes it may be your tone. Just something to think about.

The other thing is it sounds like yoru H is trying to be Radically Honest. HE may forget something but that doesn't mean he is lying it means he forgot something.

Sounds like you are getting what you wanted. Are your ready to move on?

Thanks Frognomore,

H does seem to be doing as well as can be expected with the talks.

I was doing well not LB'ing or DJ'ing until late yesterday afternoon. I feel so bad and told H I am sorry many times.

First, I have to say this....The stress from the A and having to wait 15 months for the truth is taking it's toll on me. I fainted at work yesterday morning and H had to come get me and take me to the doctor. H stayed with me the rest of the day. (This deposited many love units). I was surprised that he did this. Prior to this, he always dropped me off at home and went back to work.

We did some talking. I told him I have some major things I have to deal with and I'm not sure how. Hoping IC can help me with the feeling of being inadequate. You see, the OW has a near perfect body, just a very ugly face. Ugh! She is thinner, no flab or stretch marks and doesn't sag anywhere.

I know that her body is the only thing she has going for her but I still feel compared. H can say he doesn't compare, but there are other things in our life of SF that, IMO, prove otherwise. Waiting for IC for this also.

I thought I was just telling him my feelings. He tried comforting me by saying I am wonderful but it didn't help. In fact it made me more angry because he has always said that to me before the A. I should have just let it drop because he was in a no-win situation until I deal with it in IC. I was wrong here and will learn from this mistake.

Since he had been lying until now, I thought I would ask a couple of previous questions. One was if he ever had another A. He said "No". I asked if he has talked or seen OW since the one time I know about. He said "No" again.

I had to ask again to see if I would get the same answer.

Things got better late evening after I took a nap.

We still have a lot of talking to do to get through the A timeline. It just seems to be taking so long. Reading other threads, I see where they told everything in one evening, day or weekend.

Is this normal? One weekend would be so much easier to handle.

You may be right but that means you have to not take breaks.

I know you have needed breaks so it is at your guys pace.

I will say he probably doesn't want to go over it 50 times so doing it at a pace that lets you digest it makes a little sense.

None of this is normal. There is no blueprint per say. There is you doing what you need to do. For each person that of course is different.

YOu can help the DJing and LBing by the way. Just don't. I know it is hard not too.

By the way there is a slight tone to your "he has lied for so long"

Yes he has. It adds insult to injury, It is another thing that in order to move on you will need to forgive.

Remember now he is trying. What he is doing now should matter not. Try to keep an eye focused on today.

I'm assuming my H said this in his post. It is something I have said to him. As far as tone, it means I feel it has taken soooooo long to start getting the truth and I am VERY, VERY tired, physically, mentally and emotionally to the point of not wanting to live anymore. It's not just a fact of wanting the pain to stop, I NEED it to stop.

There are so many more permanent scars to our M that wouldn't be there if he had come clean long ago, but, the past can't be changed.

I feel like I'm hanging from a thread and it's fraying. The only thing I remember after attempting suicide on D-Day is the peaceful place I was at. I was floating towards something. It was warm and very dark but I wasn't afraid or alone. I felt love all around me and was at total peace.

Then, I woke up in the hospital angry at the fact my life was saved. The nightmare has continued 24/7, day and night (constant nightmares) since. I am unable to escape the pain for even a minute.

There are times I long for some of the peace I felt on D-Day to escape the pain even for an hour. Ok, back to reality...I am tired, I just want the truth so I can put the pieces of the puzzle together in my mind.

As far as forgiving him, I'm not able to even think about that yet.

I do see my H trying. I just pray that he will be honest through the rest of the timeline. I will continue to work on the LB's and DJ's.

TW,

No he didn't say that. I forgot he even posted to be honest and then after I posted this I remembered. I just picked it up.

Let me say this, there has to be the willingness to forgive and move forward.

He made a mistake! Absolutely. You can chose to never forgive or to forgive.

From what you are saying your H has changed. He has picked up a lot of slack. Please see he is trying and if you still can't fogive and move forward with him that is OK.

It is a choice pure and simple.

I had a general rule. I loved my FWW. I thought she diserved a good husband. If I couldn't be that because of her A I would get a D.

If I could forgive her I had a chance.

TW I know what you are going through it took a long time for me.

To be honest I don't think my FWW would have done the timeline like your H has. I didn't need that much detail though just general overall honesty without minimization.

Good luck.

I'm not saying I will never be able to forgive him, I'm just not at a place where I can do that yet. We are still in the beginning of the timeline.

I'm trying to be a good wife and learn from my mistakes like the LB's and DJ's yesterday.

Have I said or done anything to offend anyone? It seems Frognomore is the only one willing to offer advice.

Is my M that hopeless? Just thought I would ask.

It's been a very difficult 2 weeks. We have been going throught H's timeline when we can, maybe 2-4 hrs. a week.

Our doctor is now seeing both H and I every 2 weeks. Sees H one week and me the next. He is keeping a close watch on us and how things are going since H and I are depressed. He changed H's AD's to help him through this. I'm already at the highest dosage of AD's and there is only so much meds can do until we get through this.

Some times I am strong and determined to make it through this. Other times, like right now, the pain is so great, I just want to give up and die.

troubled.....hang in there. we are praying for you....well i am anyway.

i think the problem with your posts and why you dont get much feedback is that you dont post much info. i get wanting to be private on the net, but in order to have an opinion, we kinda have to know whats going on. plus for most people getting it "all out" is cathartic.

TW,
Hang in it is all you can do.

Remember this is a roller coaster ride. There will be ups and downs.

Is your MC seeing both of you? Or are you going to the same IC?

I tried both and to be honest for me it was better not going to our MC for IC.

Thank you Nikko and Frognomore!

I will try to give more info. Sometimes I'm not sure what info is helpful. Questions help.

Not much happens in our life on a day to day basis other than going to work and coming home and working on our home business.

There is only one thing my H and I haven't talked about here. That is because we fear for my(our) life from OW. I will post it someday but will need to delete it shortly after for our protection. Right now we just want to consentrate on our M and our healing.

My parents are elderly and I take care of my Dad's medications, wash clothes, cut, perm and fix my mom's hair and pay bills. My H and I mow the lawn and fix things around the house. I have a sister that helps with these things also but lives 2 hrs. away. She helps with these and also takes care of things that I'm unable to do.

My H and I see the same psy. doctor that prescribes our AD's. He is the one that is seeing us alternately every 2 wks. My H sees a seperate IC. I have an appt. with an IC but my first appt. isn't until July so I haven't had any IC yet.

We stopped MC with Jennifer because I was unable to move from square 1 without the truth. Talking about EN's and LB's was only making me more angry and withdrawn. If I would have had the truth, we would have flown through MC with Jennifer and in a much better place than we are now.

MB has been the only support I have until my IC starts in July.

H wanted to talk about the timeline last night and I'm finding it's becoming more difficult to talk about. I'm not sure why because H said the worst of it is out.

I'm not sure what to make of this....
Shortly after DDay, my H told me he had the A because he couldn't remember what it was like to have SF with someone else. Now he says that was a lie. He now says he just said anything to get me off his back. Why would he say that then minimize it now? What am I to believe?

It just seems like some things are being minimized from what he has told me over the first 14 months after DDay. Don't get me wrong, I feel he is telling me the truth about many things. There is still some things said that I'm not comfortable with yet.

I'm hoping these will come out in the rest of the timeline. I just have to buck up and be able to get through the talks.

Things went downhill over the weekend.

I told H I would like the same time for SF as he gave OW. (I'm trying to put it delicately here.) He told me he gives me more. Not according to the cell phone records and the time he got home every morning. (Cell calls were to tell the other person they were ready to meet for SF).

Sorry, I guess I'll have to be very blunt. Why able to have lengthy SF with OW and not with me? I don't understand.

H came up with many excuses until he realized what he said would get him in more trouble. One excuse was he was having SF more often with OW so SF lasted longer.

(H has been telling me for 15 months he and OW had SF 2-3 times a week.) H and I, 2-3 times a day. I asked him if he wanted to stick with that excuse. He declined quickly on that one.

I feel more inadequate now than I have in my entire life.

Sorry to be so blunt. There was no other way to explain it.

tw---im sorry---i hadnt seen your earlier post. my life is nuts right now....i dont really have time to post right now but i wanted you to know i saw this and will be back later...