Quick background. DH and I have/are married for 8 years this past Sept. Together for 9 1/2. Our marriage has been in all honesty a great one. Ups and downs but pretty good. This past year has been rough. He has been very stressed at his job(he's a cop)I've been sick for the most of the year and we've been in the same place for 4 yrs now. We were a military family before so we are used to moving around.
Things were great, we had just made reservations for our vacation with another family for DisneyWorld and he was finalizing plans for a hunting trip with my father. Then one day he came to be, said he was unhappy. I immediatly broke down crying. I had NO idea. For some strange reason I asked if there was someone else.(I'll explain this)He said yes. I lost it. He never came home that night and hasn't since. That was Aug 12th.
Since then I've found out she was prego(from what I've heard it's possibly not his). She is 7 years older than him. Has 4 kids. He did not want anymore. He's been wanting a vasectomy for the past 2yrs. He has lost the respect of his fellow officers and lost his best friend over this. This is so Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde of him. Everyone is in shock.
The reason of the other woman is that he was married for 2 yrs prior to me. She cheated on him and got pregnant with someone else. I can't tell you how long while we were dating that he cried to me so afraid to love again. Afraid of being hurt.

I'm am lost. He was my best friend. My soulmate.The father of our 2 boys who the adoration goes both ways. He has cut himself off from everyone but her and her family.

I've had many tell me that it is his pride and that he is ashamed to face up to it. He told me that if he was trying to end it, but when she ended up prego he left. He claims to love her. When I asked him to work on us he said how could I face your family(he's very close to them) how could I lay with him and how long would I give him the 3rd degree. From what I've heard, she gives it to him all the time.

He looks so unhappy. I'm unhappy. How do I get him to come back. I'm crazy to want him back. But I love him. I worry about him. I know he's just stuck but it is his stubborn pride. He's said he knows he screwed up but he has to live with it.

Do I let him go? I filed divorce papers yesterday. I'm so unhappy about it, but I'm really looking out for my boys.

I pray that this child comes out not his. Everyday I do.

What else can I do?


Lori

Hi Lori, welcome to MB. So sorry for this awful situation you find yourself in. There is still hope. Read everything on the site not just the message boards. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. This board is very slow on the weekend, so be patient.

There are many of us that have been in similar circumstances. Some have recovered their marriages and some have not.

Is he seeing your boys? Is he paying you support? What kind of communication are you having with him? What are your interactions like?

Keep your chin up and keep posting and reading.

You can also check out www.survivingbetrayal.com

I highly recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. Check the library. It describes your feelings and his feelings perfectly. It describes the path to healing. Your marriage CAN survive if you both give it a try. Divorce doesn't sound like a happy option for any of you. Please look at the book, consider giving him a copy, and keep posting. He needs to know that other marriages have survived this, and the statistics on any marriage to an OW aren't good. Your situation is far from over. I'd slow down on the D. at LEAST until DNA results!

Good luck,
J
married 20y
3 COM
1 OC, visitation