Well, I’m a new member of the club...a club with many unwilling members.

I guess in the last few years of our marriage we really had become administrative partners, taking care of all the business of running a family, being involved in church, raising children. Late last year our son was having problems in school and I’m typically the more demanding parent and my W the more loving parent. This really came to a head and I basically withdrew from the family. I felt I was no longer needed and turned to work and my own hobbies. I even began to look at internet porn occasionally.

My W turned to a friend at work who had marriage problems of his own. She had even told me about his problems. I never would have thought my W capable of an A. She is a rule follower and the most caring person I know. What I didn’t know is that her need for love and to give love is greater than her need to do what is right. The A began in late January, 2006. I became suspicious pretty quickly because she was so enthusiastic about work but thought I must be wrong. From cellphone bills I found out for sure on May 31, 2006 and asked her and she admitted everything.
Since that time she has tried so hard to make things right. She seemed to come out of the fog quickly and her remorse and sadness at her actions is hard to watch. It’s sad to me because in our marriage I was usually the more difficult spouse and yet she now bears the heavier burden because her one mistake was so great.

I have so many questions but will start one at a time to learn from all the wisdom on these boards. I’m so ready for the painful triggers to end. It’s been 5 ½ months, my W is remorseful and working so hard, and I was never a perfect H, and yet things still pop up that send me into a tail spin. Last night, we were having a great time, talking in bed. She had gone to the OBGYN for her regular checkup and was joking about shaving her legs for him (old joke between us). And the next thought hit us both. I said, “Just don’t tell me if you shaved your legs for anyone else” and her silence told me she did shave her legs for the OM. This seems so stupid but it never dawned on me and it really hurt. I guess I want her to do those types of things for me that she did for him. My question is, will every new situation we go into make me wonder what she and the OM did in the same situation? I so want this all in the past.

The unfortunate answer is... yes. Howe you both handle it is key though. Be honest with each other, always. If you find your thoughts bothered about something like this, let her know, in a way that's safe (no LBs, AOs, DJs, etc.).



It will pass. Based on my experience (me=BS), those "I wonder if" episodes will start to fade after the first year or so of recovery - if you get the answers you're looking for.

Thanks for the response. My W has worked so hard to make things right. So it's really tough when I have those triggers or sad moments because it brings her down as well and she's already trying so much.

Stand firm for your marriage.

Triggers have the potential to be devastating to your progress forward, but you can do it.

You can help her understand those moments and it's important to tell her what she can do to help. Sometimes it may be as simple as her holding your hand or telling you she loves you.

It can be hard for her to see the pain she has introduced to both your lives. She may grow impatient at times -- mine does. You need to have patience, too. She will want it to "go away" as soon as possible, but you have to let the grieving and healing process work its course.

Blessings

Does your wife still work with the OM?

Did you write a no contact letter?

Have you been tested for STDs?

It does get better. The first year was hard because every event seemd to be an anniversary or remind me of something else. Checking into a hotel the first time after d-day about killed me.

It is good she is working with you to rebuild your marriage, but if they still work together, recovery is not gong to be easy. In fact, it is next to impossible.

Artor – Thank you so much for your reply. My W has been incredibly patient but I do sense that she would like to go back to a more “normal” place quickly where I’m more uncertain of what normal even means or where I’m trying to go. All of my priorities are completely changed…some of that is good, some a little too directionless. She has a much easier time dealing with the day to day things of life that need to happen.

Moveforward – Thank you too. Boy, you went right to the heart of my next question. My wife does still work with the OM. We have written a no contact letter, except where business requires. I helped my W move to a new desk in her building (they sat in an isolated area together) but she still has to deal with him fairly regularly. I have told her that I expect her to get a new job, but I have not pushed it because she has a very good paying job working part-time and she has been extremely open with all of her movements. It also took me about 4 months just to get myself back on track at work…luckily I was given a lot of freedom since I’m a good performer. The other reason I haven’t pushed harder is that she works 5 minutes from our home…our house is where they would come at lunchtime. Quitting her job would not put much of a wall around their ability to get together. This is a source of great pain since we have to discuss him every day. Plus, his W has just acted like nothing happened, so my W and I have had to do all the dirty work of pushing him away. But I do worry about the emotional connection that lies underneath for them. She says that the relationship is so ugly because of the pain it caused, that she can’t stand him. Plus, he’s been very rude to me in our few conversations and she has witnessed this…it paid to be nice to him, as much as I hate him. So does anyone else have experience with trying to allow the FWW and OM to continue to work together?

I dread January – May as this will be when everything is a real anniversary. Unfortunately I know all the exact dates since it occurred while I was traveling on business and I know when I was out of town.

My FWW and I tried that approach (she worked with the OM as well). It didn't work. I can safely say that recovery only truely started when she left her job, and even then our recovery has been hard work. The thought of dropping her off to work where *he* worked used to tear me up at times, and I didn't notice any appreciable positive change in her until she left office. I'm fairly certain that every time she saw the OM, she was reminded of what she did with him.

Your M was damaged pretty severely by your FWW's A. You may need to take some "drastic" decisions (like moving), to ensure that continuous reminders and the possibilty of rekindling of the A don't scuttle your M's recovery.

Moveforward - Yes, we were tested for STDs. My W has done absolutely everything possible to make right what happened. A's are so glamorized so no one ever tells you how demoralizing it is to get tested. My heart was broken for my W when she realized she needed to be tested.

BTW - How long was it before any of you went a day without thinking about the A? I'm really ready for that first day of not thinking about it.

I'm a little down today and I hate this feeling. I probably need to give a little background.

My W seemed to come out of the fog so quickly. In fact, I asked her many times how she could get over such strong feelings so quickly. I was much more "fortunate" than most on here in that I didn't hear quite as many ugly statements as all of you. I did hear the classic, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", but I also know that she told the OM that she loved me and that he did not have all of her heart. She has told me many times that she always hoped our marriage would work out. She has told me everything that happened between them...if she left anything out I just can't imagine what it would be...she swallowed hard and told me some pretty unimaginable things that happened. She seems deeply remorseful and sad about the A and she shows me more love than she has in years. I've read so many stories on MB and it seems unusual for someone to wake up so quickly. I think it's because she has a close relationship with God and the light made the A very ugly very quickly. The first Sunday after DDay was very meaningful...we shared communion at church and the pastor even preached some very specific things to us (we told him about the A immediately after discovery) that really drew us closer. As bad as the last 6 months have been at times, I've been scared that our work toward recovery has been very free of fog. Have other people had the experience of the spouse coming out of the fog quickly?

My wife is very honest with her movements and I pretty much know where she is all the time. But she worked late today and it just gives me that sick feeling. It doesn't help that today is the OMW's birthday so I've thought about this more than usual...if that's possible.

EJK, you're not going to like this, so don't read what I write if you can't take it.

Look, you’re in a place 99% of the betrayed husbands and wives out here would give anything to be. Your WW is remorseful, out of the fog, she seems committed to radical honesty, she's apparently agreed to total transparency, and she’s working hard on making it a marriage. So get on the bandwagon with her, pardner!

I don’t know if you’ve bought and read Dr. Harley’s Surviving An Affair. If you have, you sure don’t seem to be applying his plan in recovering your marriage. I see a lot of pain in your words, but friend, I don’t see you doing much to remedy the situation. Eventually, if you keep on this way, you’ll drive your WW away just when you could have made your relationship 10 times stronger than it was before.

Look, are you and WW seeing a good, “pro-marriage” counselor? Have you called for an appointment with an MB counselor? Steve Harley could do wonders for you. If you haven’t done these things, do them!

The point is, quit just “existing,” EJK. Quit letting the pain rule your whole life. Get proactive. Do it now!

EJK:

I have to echo Longhorn. Start living with your W.

But it is troubling that she still works with OM.

I "converted" and saw the light on Dday as well. But my A lasted for 4.5 years. I wanted out. But I still would think about OW.

If I started to let my M slide back to how it used to be, and OW was close by, and easy to contact. It could get ugly.

I am like an alcoholic. I can not take the next sip. OW in the other office, would be me sipping at the bar.

A dark thought would be that the A has been driven underground. Please be careful.

After 15 months, OW "could" I repeat "could" come in my office, and I "could" possibly just say hello. But what a rush. And it's a rush I am not allowed to have. Because the rush is as good as the A. See my point?

Hmm. Without NC recovery is impossible. Can't believe no one pointed that out yet. She leaves her job or he does.

It will probably be over a year before you even have an hour where the affair isn't in your mind. Those patches will get longer and then you might even have a day.

Sucks doesn't it? But it's so worth it and so better than the alternative.

Let me ask you something, eljay. If she were an alcholic, do you think she could withdraw if she continued to drink but called them "business" drinks? Do you see how changing the name of the contact can't change reality? She is going into the bar every day and having drinks; the only difference now is that she calls them something else. She will not recover, friend.

You will be dealing with an on-again, off again affair for YEARS. FOR YEARS. That is what you are setting yourself up by cutting this corner. It will be like dying a death of a thousand cuts. Every day you have to wonder what they are talking about. EVERY DAY. So, not only will she NEVER withdraw, but you will NEVER recover. You only have her "word" about what they discussed, if she even decides to tell you. And she doesn't have to tell anything anyway.

Don't do this to your marriage, eljay. Don't do this to yourself. No job in the world is worth your marriage and a life of he11.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Could not have said it any better myself!

NC is PARAMOUNT!

Listen to MEL. SHE IS SPOT ON!

If you really want to save this M it is time for some new scenery. You can't force the OM to quit his job.

It really is time to remove YOURSELVES for this sitch. This will most likly require relocation. I wish I had better news than this but this IS your new reality.

This is just another consequence of an A. Again, not your fault but it is your new rality.

Stay Strong!

Longhorn - Yes, I think I can dish out what you have...I've stuck out this situation for 6 months, so I can pretty much take anything. Plus, I'll never deny I need a rump kick from time to time. I have actively pursued keeping my marriage and have worked my tail off. I just had a bit of a blue moment. I did take your advice and went home with the happiest face possible and had a great evening! So I do appreciate the wakeup.

Lousygolfer - Thank you too. Yes, it is not thrilling that she still works with the OM. When I got home from work we had a long talk about this. She realizes that it can't continue. I truly believe the main reason she wants to keep working is her guilt about what the A does to us financially and the life changes it has required. The first 19 years of our marriage she would have given her life for the family and did in many ways. To have messed up so bad when she's such a perfectionist has changed her perception of who she is. But I've reiterated that she will need to leave sooner rather than later...as soon as we can work out the details. This makes me have such a terrible level of hate for the OM. He has not paid for this in anyway. But he'll never leave the company so she's going to lose 20 years of effort. I told her that not one dime of the money she's made is worth what has happened and she agrees.

bigkahuna - Thank you too! I can't believe all these replies. I really appreciate them. And it's nice to know I'm not completely nuts as to how much I have thought about this. I would have never dreamed that anything could invade my thinking this way. Far worse than when my father died. But you are right that it's worth it. The good times in our marriage may be the best we've ever had.

MelodyLane - I understand what you're saying. I asked my wife, "If our son went to a friend's house and you found out he smoked pot, would you ever allow him to go to that friend's house again, even if he swore it would never happen again?" Well, of course the answer is "no". So she understands. Just hard to face that you make a mistake sometimes that has a heavy human cost. Even if the A never started back up, just the need to start every conversation off with, "Tell me about any work conversations with OM" is a real kick in the gut for both of us.

walkingthefield - Thanks for the encouragement. Once again, your reply really brought back to me the feelings of hate I have for the OM. His W has put her head in the sand and early on he told my W, "Why is your H so upset? He's really having a tough time with this." It is our marriage to save, so we don't need his help, but I so wish I could kick his behind. I even bought some steel-toed boots to do the job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But he has helped us by showing his true character and showing my W that she can't believe she ever chose him.

Thank you all so much. I appreciate the encouragement to save this marriage! Sorry it took me so long to respond...just been absorbing all of this. The brain doesn't seem to function at the same speed it used to!