Hi everyone. I am so struggling lately. It is STILL so up and down. Maybe I"m naieve (sp??) but I thought that after almost 8 months we would have more than 2 good days in a row.

I am having such a hard time! I will stay because I feel that I should and becasue I love my daughter. I also love my husband, but truthfully it's like he's trying to test me to see if I"ll stay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's the same ol' same ol'- him wanting SF, me being willing and then him saying no thanks. It's like he wants me to beg, which, let me tell you, gets old in a hurry. Then he's mad at me about it.

If I try to enforce a boundary, I get, "well, you're not trustworthy, you're just going to find someone else, you're not worth it, I'm only here for the baby."

I know the advice I've gotten in the past was to follow his "rules," (no R talk, SF when he wants it, etc), which I have been doing to the best of my ability, though as we see he puts up barriers to my even doing that.

But honestly I guess I just need some reassurance that things will get better, that it really is still early days, that he will begin again to love me.

The other day he pulled me close and said, "I do love you a little." Then was mad about no SF when HE had said no to it. He does nice things for me, then turns around and does things he KNOWS are going to get me spinning.

Any advice on how I can let the hurtful comments not hurt so much? Any advice or kind words generally?

One grevious sin does not make me a horrible person if I'm willing to repent (and I AM). If that were so we would all be in the same boat to a greater or lesser degree. God will forgive me, even if someone who is NOT God does not.

I'm pretty much just fishing for some reassurance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> It is nice to have people here who know what I'm going through. Some days are just so icky.

MrsRob:


Heres a hug (((MrsRob)))

Sometimes BS need alot of time to clear up what is going on. They have thier own FOG to deal wth sometimes. Larry178 may be able to help with some of the issues here. He posted alot on HEARTSORE's thread. Check them out. He has a very eleoquent (sp) way of speaking as a BS.

And sometimes, people use passive/aggressive (P/A) techniques that Mulan's thread can address. Check that out. You might find some assistance there with your sitch.

Alot of times on this site you read of the cake eating/fence sitting/I'm back and you should be happy WS. And the BS is doing all the work to recover thier M and the WS just isn't helping. You appear to have the reverse of this. You want to make it better and the BS is still stuck in the past.

Keep working. And learning techniques that work on this site. If my BS would have stayed the same after the A was exposed. We would heve been divorced by now. And if I stayed the same, She was ready to kick me out.

Lead your H in the direction you would like him to go.

I'll jump in MrsRob,

You have been there for me when I needed it.

((((((MrsRob)))))

I don't have much advise right now. Maybe a 180 is needed from you?

Others please jump in.

Life won't always be this bad MrsRob,

M2L

Hi Mrs. Rob -

Eight months is just a drop in the bucket. The rollercoaster ride can (and most likely will) last years. If you truly mean the quote in your sig line - "whatever it takes, for as long as it takes," be patient. Don't beg for sex. Be loving and attractive. Concentrate on being the best that you can be in all areas - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

That might sound like an overwhelming project, but recovering is all about making positive changes in yourself, as well as in your M. I know it's hard, since you are feeling very emotional too, but your H has a lot to work through to figure out how he really feels since you’re A - not just about you, but also about himself, marriage, sex, etc.

When he gets mad about not having sex, and he is the one who said no, is there the possibility of telling him you're still available? If you could have some loving sex, maybe he would feel more secure. I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe the reason he's sending you mixed messages is because he's insecure about trusting you with his feelings again. He's feeling mixed messages inside himself.

As FWW's it's our responsibility to help our H's feel secure again, and to feel good about themselves again.

God bless,

Rose

You know now that I think about it if I had a WS that was trying like you are and I felt that hurt and felt like I lost control maybe I could see myself asking my wife for SF and then turning HER down just before we start. This way I might feel in control a little. See: you Mrs Rob wanted me and SF and I told you no. Next step would be for you to plead or beg for me and the SF I can give you. You show that you are worthy of me???

Just thinking.

M2L

More thinking on my part:

MrsRob,

Is there some way you can do or ask your H for his input/advise so that he can feel like "me man"? Something like "MrRob, I was thinking about changing or adding something to our house can you help me? I'm not sure how to do it. Or help winterize the car or something manly.

This way you are asking HIM for his help and you need him. If I was asked this over and over it would feed my ego some.

M2L

M2L- We had a date to go look for rugs for our new house tonight. This morning, after 3 nights of turning me down for SF, he has a "stomach ache," and probably doesnt' want to go. He also says he'll "just take care of himself," sexually, if you know what I mean. That I'm not "reliable." Maybe there is some control issues there. But it's like, no matter how hard I try nothing will ever be good enough. I ask him what he wants, his reply? "For you to not have done what you did." Well, what can I say to that? I wish that too, but can't undo the past. SOmetimes I wish he'd do something that I would have to forgive, just to even the playing field. But I would NEVER do to him what he does to me. NEVER! He has even said that some of the things he does are to get me to hate him so I'll leave. He hasn't said that in awhile. But he also says that he'd NEVER do the things I do if the shoe were on the other foot.

Aren't you glad you asked? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lousygolfer- HeartSore's thread makes me even sadder- as do so many threads- I wish my BH would even just meet me 1/100th of the way!! So many BH and BW's are such great people and deserve way better than they're getting....and you're right, Larry is very eloquent. Maybe he'll post here with his advice.

Rose, more often than not I do end up begging, we have GREAT SF and then he still does it the next night. Or accuses me of not being available. Or whatever he does to hurt my feelings. I'm not sure the SF is considered loving on his part, rather something I OWE him becasue of what I did. He's not into the loving part yet.

I just get so frustrated.............

(((((Mrs. ROB))))))

I have no advice for you. Just a hug.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

~ Marsh

Tell me what a typical day is like for you two now. Hey, you are still in the same house....
What painful words he has said to you. He's obviously still hurting...
Ask him what it is that YOU CAN DO NOW?

{hugs}

Mrs Rob,

No we can't change the past. When he says "for you to not have done what you did", stop him and say something like:
Mr Rob, I can't change what I did, you know that. Given that what else can I do to help you move with me down the path of recovery. Please don't just blow me off this time, I want to help us make this better. You can't enjoy living this way and neither can I." Then don't let him off the hook by walking away. You don't need to LB or yell just show him that you mean business this time.

just another thought:

M2L

Mrs R,

you ok? How is it going??

M2L

(((((Mrs. Rob)))))

Just in case you need an extra hug! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll say a little prayer for you and Mr. Rob tonight.

Stay Strong! It WILL get better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh yes, I know that feeling well. It is something I have said to my FWH. My H had only one EA. I have really struggled with it and get very angry. Every now and then I get this strong feeling that he might contact her again. Rationally, I know he won't. Even today, I got that feeling and called him. I told him that I know that what I was thinking was foolish, but he had shown some remorse the other day that he had used her. I needed reassurance from him that he would never express his remorse by contacting her. He assured me that he would not. He said, "No contact means no contact period."

You got re-involved in the same EA. I know you are remorseful and that you will not contact again. But I can understand why it is hard for your BS to trust that fact. I think it is about control also. I know I have relived what my FWH did in part in order to attempt to somehow magically intervene and prevent him from doing what he did. Your BH is reliving it in order to change it. He is still in part in the bargaining stage of grief.

Please just stay with him. I know one thing my FWH did was to call me and ask me "how are you doing?" with this tone like I had cancer. I complained about this to him and asked him "what did you say to her on the phone when you called her?" It took him a few days but he does not do that to me anymore. He says something to me on the phone that makes me feel great when he calls me or answers my call. Is any of that going on between you?

With SF, is there any way that you can change the mood and tenor of the situation? Can it be turned into something about how great he is and how much you want him in a more light hearted or seductive way? Any way of getting out of that "mourning" headset?

He is still on the roller coaster. He needs time to work through it. My FWH has said similar things to me that you are saying, "I know that I would be able to move on and get back to normal if you did to me what I did to You."

Well, the truth of the matter is, he did not do it to you. You did it to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Just hang in there. Like someone else said to you, he is still with you. He wants to recover. He is just struggling with his grief.

Lately, I have been reminding myself that my FWH loves me and always loved me. I cannot let OW ruin my good time with my H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I do believe she had a big crush on him and was interested in a relationship. I know my H was not interested in a R with her. I know I cannot let this EA mess up my good thing. At some point, your BH will come to this conclusion also. Just hang in there and take joy in those good moments that you have with him. I am sure there will be more to come.
Lake

Hi MrsRob !

Hi everyone. I am so struggling lately. It is STILL so up and down. Maybe I"m naieve (sp??) but I thought that after almost 8 months we would have more than 2 good days in a row.

At 8 months it felt like I would never have any good days ever again. This is a marathon not a sprint MrsR.

I am having such a hard time! I will stay because I feel that I should and becasue I love my daughter. I also love my husband, but truthfully it's like he's trying to test me to see if I"ll stay.

It is possible that you do not fully understand the insult you caused your H. It is possible that, like me, he was not able to function as he wanted to for some considerable time after d-day. READ HERE

It's the same ol' same ol'- him wanting SF, me being willing and then him saying no thanks. It's like he wants me to beg, which, let me tell you, gets old in a hurry. Then he's mad at me about it.

I wanted SF at around 8 months too but the movies got too vivid as the act approached then I lost interest too. Then I'd get angry and embarassed ( as that is not something I had suffered often before). Even now I am over everything except the physical betrayal. I cannot imagine if this will be a symptom of an EA BS also, but it is possible I guess

If I try to enforce a boundary, I get, "well, you're not trustworthy, you're just going to find someone else, you're not worth it, I'm only here for the baby."

A boundary that you won't divorce over is a wish

I know the advice I've gotten in the past was to follow his "rules," (no R talk, SF when he wants it, etc), which I have been doing to the best of my ability, though as we see he puts up barriers to my even doing that.

has your H told you what he wants ? Folks on here usualy project and there are a smany differences as similarities between situations IME

But honestly I guess I just need some reassurance that things will get better, that it really is still early days, that he will begin again to love me.

Nobody can assure you of that. Squid hated me now she loves me, if that helps:)

The other day he pulled me close and said, "I do love you a little." Then was mad about no SF when HE had said no to it. He does nice things for me, then turns around and does things he KNOWS are going to get me spinning.

I suspect he doesn't trust himself to love you yet. I totally identify with that

Any advice on how I can let the hurtful comments not hurt so much? Any advice or kind words generally?

Loving detachment worked for me. Consider your H and your M a project. Lock up your taker and study repair techniques and apply them. And DO set personal boundaries. Credible risk of loss of a spouse has compelled more spouses than I can count to investing in recovery.

One grevious sin does not make me a horrible person if I'm willing to repent (and I AM). If that were so we would all be in the same boat to a greater or lesser degree. God will forgive me, even if someone who is NOT God does not.

Forgiveness of God and recovery are two very different things IME. You debt to God for your sins was paid by Jesus. Your debt to your H hasn't even been quantified yet. Also forgiveness, by God orman, still requires that the consequences are dealt with. Your H could wholeheartedly forgive you right now and still be dysfunctional as a result of the consequnces of your affair. Study MB and learn tools to help him

I'm pretty much just fishing for some reassurance. It is nice to have people here who know what I'm going through. Some days are just so icky.

Squid and I haven't had a really icky day in 10months. Cool huh ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take heart - most recoveries are horrible at 8 months, yet most become strong marriages.

I don't even know what to say, my BH has completely change his attitude towards me, I am not sure what did it but I think in our case it had a lot to do with the fact that we had an entire year almost prior to Oc's birth to somewhat "recover" (although as you know I was still involved with OM during that time). The worse part was after OC's birth only because of my indecision. Once I told him what I had decided things started to change.

One thing BH said to me a few weeks ago was that he didn't want to hear me talk about "recovery", he felt it was all "talk".... so one night I wrote him an email and I told him that I was not going to talk about recovery, or a new marriage or anything like that, my intentions were to SHOW him through my actions how committed I am to create a new RELATIONSHIP (marriage will be for later). In that email I also told him that I Wasn't going to listen to his doubts anymore and that if he had any to take them up to God because I was going to do MY BEST not for him or our children but FOR GOD! If through the process I was able to gain his trust, love and respect once again, then that would be awesome but if not, I would be able to say I had given it my best.

Not sure if that's what did it but within a few days (we didn't talk about things for about a week after that) he started to come around.... no more nasty talks, no more name calling, he stopped giving me the "cold shoulder" etc... in the meantime a BIG test came our way in a form of an email (the last one OM sent) from OM and I think that's when he could tell I was committed as I didn't do a thing about that email without his consent and we were able to tell OM off together.

Since that day, things keep getting better. We haven't had "rough" days since, I know what his needs are and I do my best to meet them. He is now also trying to meet my needs and although as a woman those are more compliated LOL!! he is tryign his best... and I can see that every day.

BH tells me all the time that he has forgiven me in his heart and that he no longer spends every day thinking about what has hapenned. It does help too that we are once again involved in our church, and we are once againg putting God first in our lives.

So not sure if this gives you hope... If you have repented and you know God has already forgiven you, at this point you just need to pray for GOd to soften his heart. If after all the changes you have made, and after you have shown time and time again that you are fully committed to your relationship, he still chooses to treat you like he has been, there will come a time when you will not be able to take it. So before that happens, ask God to intervene and have faith that His will is for you to be together.

((((((many hugs))))))
B

MrsRob,

are you there? How are you doing?

M2L

I'm here, M2L <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />....

Iamforgiven- here's a synopsis of what life is like:

Last night was more of the same- he did go out to look at rugs with me, we had a good time until we started talking about Christmas, and he said how he was just getting back into Christmas when I ruined it. I asked if it was forever, and he said he didn't know, but for at least this yeat, becasue of what I did. I said, "Can't you try to forgive me?" and he said, "you dont' get to say if I do or don't." Anyway, I of course started crying and pulled the car over and made him drive. We had some normal conversation on the way home, I collected myself. Then at home after I put the baby to bed (She told me "I love you" last night!! She's almost 20 months old. It was so adorable.) I went in and asked about SF, got turned down, then he said maybe in a minute, and I went off about how he was just trying to control it, because his "in a minute" was usually an hour, and how I had to get up at 5:30 (it was after 10)- then he got mad and said no and I cried and ranted and begged and he gave in and we had SF. And it's not like it's crappy grudging SF, afterwards he always says how great it was......

I'm sure this is all tmi (too much information <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)- but this is how it always goes. I just cant' seem to break the cycle. I should just not care if he says no, but at the beginning of this"recovery" he said that if he said no, that it REALLY meant that I needed to try harder, and if I didn't try harder it meant I was not really repentant. Screwed up, I know, I just dont' know how to stop.

Bob, lots to think about- especially the comment about a not enforced boundary is really a wish-

Mc Becca, I wish my BH would be able to just be more open to MB. I know they would help both of us. I know there's lots I can do by myself, but sometimes it just feels so useless. He is still holding a grudge against his sister for something she did years and years ago, hasn't spoken to her since, so I guess I should have seen that he is the type to do that.

But we have had some nice phone calls today and I have a fun Christmas craft to do- have any of you seen those glass blocks from Home Depot with the Christmas lights in them and ribbon wrapped around them? I'm going to make them for my neighbors for Christmas. It's been a long time since I've done anything crafty, so I'm excited.

You know, it's not all bad, it's just that it's all so up in the air. Or maybe it's not up in the air, he really is staying for good but he wants me to think he may go so I"m living on the edge. Who knows??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ms.Rob,

You are an inspiration to me, truly a woman who wants to do right despite the consequences.

I deeply respect you for that. I really do.

thank you for being on the boards. Sooner or Later he WILL realize just who you are....and who we see/read about.

like you said to me just a day at a time.........

just my .02

I love you very much.

(((((Ms.Rob)))))))

You were there for us and we will definitely be here for you.

MrsRob,

Will your H come on here and talk to me and NC007? We are both in his shoes and trust me we both can vent right along with him and then we can let him in on how to make himself start to feel better about you, him and your M. We are not the pros, but NC007 and I are both right in the middle of this. If I speak for NC007 and I'm wrong then I'm sorry and stand corrected.
M2L

Fine by me. Bring H anytime. And Ms.Rob, strange as it sounds........it is almost as if YOU ARE THE BS, the pain you feel and the feelings you express are quite touching.

Please bear in mind though.....the feeling of broken trust in the most intemate of ways is very, very intense.....so i guess people respond to things differently.

We are told to give a WS up to 2 years to recover some semblance of normality and up to 5 years to recover fully in some cases.

so how long are you waiting?

He needs help and must realize that this is not right, but just be patient and pray......it worked for me.

M2L is right, we are not out of the woods yet, but we are desperately searching for the opening to drag our WW into......Seems as if this is also what you are doing (hope he doesnt interpet it as " get over it already"

he is hurt, doesnt give him the right to behave like this, but he is hurt.....how long i dont know.

if he wants i would even speak to him via phone, just to say " been there too"

maybe cheaper to call M2l (heh ,heh)

Ms.Rob

I am proud of you....