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Are you working outside of the home?

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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey, yes I am...I work 2 jobs actually..No children...


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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LoveGod Offline OP
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Yes, Mimi..I have felt very loved before but I have always smothered and clung to men for fear of abandonment and being alone. And those are 2 very big issues, along w/ trust, that I am trying to work on now. My dad cheated on my Mom and left so I have serious abandonment and trust issues as well which is why I am in IC. So, I have ALOT to fix on myself too.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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LoveGod Offline OP
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Mimi, Orchid and Believer, thank you guys so much for responding to me. I know I am a rookie at this website but you guys have been really great with your advice and I really appreciate it so much.

Last edited by LoveGod; 12/02/06 12:40 PM.

God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Good. You can spend this time reading here, and getting calmer. It is completely awful at first, but gets easier. How long did you know him before the two of you married?

Has he been married before?

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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey...we were together for about 2 years before we got married. He broke up w/ me twice before that b/c he got "scared". I think that should have been my wake-up call right there but shoulda, coulda, woulda...Yes, he was married before and his wife cheated on him. It nearly destroyed him so he knows what it feels like. My 1st husband cheated on me too but just left all together. He wanted completely out.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Have all your relationships ended badly? I'm wondering if you are a poor chooser. I used to be.

How was the marriage for the months he was around?

What is his employment history like? It's been my experience that a lot of folks who take a chance in Iraq are very desperate for money.

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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey...most of my relationships have either been ended by me or the guy left me for another woman or cheated. I think I am a poor chooser. I am starting to see a pattern w/ my choices b/c I am afraid to be alone. At least that is what I think is going on. Thats what I am working on in IC. When my H and I are together, things are really good. We have so much fun together, wonderful sex life, we laugh, goof off, like the same things, he is very affectionate and up until 6 weeks ago, I would get endless text messages and emails saying how lucky he is to have me, how much he loves me, how thankful he is to God that I am in his life, how much he misses me, how much he can't wait to get home, etc etc...The only reason, other than being afraid of commitment, that he went overseas was to make a big chunk of change and put it away so "we" wouldnt have to struggle when he came home. His contract is up in March but he "obligated" himself to this supervisor's position until next Sept. Not sure what he is going to do.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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It sounds to me like he DID go to make money, and then being far away, got weak with this OW.

Does he send money home?

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LoveGod Offline OP
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He pays for our rent, 1200.00 a month and my car payment, 450.00 a month. And he paid 9000.00 of all my credit card debt. I pay the utilities each month. I think he got weak too. I want to say it is situational b/c of all the crap he sees over there and the stress of seeing dead bodies and mortars landing 200 yards away. I want to say that he became very weak. It still does not justify it though. I have ordered the book, but can you give me a quick overview of Plan A and Plan B? I guess more Plan A than anything. I want to know the tools to try and make him realize that he screwed up royally and knows he has a good thing at home, know what I mean?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Forget about Plan B - that is for much later.

Here is something that was posted today about Plan A -

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

* First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.
* Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.
* Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!
________________________________________

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Here's another one -

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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LoveGod Offline OP
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OK, now I have completed most of Plan A according to the above. I am trying to completely eliminate LB's when I talk to him, H has confessed about the EA to me (i didnt bust him on it), so the only info I have is from him (there is no way to get more info about it since he is in Iraq), and the EA has been exposed to his sister, Dad, our minister, my family, our friends, etc. And from what H tells me, the EA only happened from a span of 1 1/2 weeks and the OW is gone b/c her contract is over and she has left Iraq. Now again, this is what he has said to me. There is no way to know the truth except the info I am getting from him. Also, I have done just about everything of the carrot and stick of Plan A. I have let him know how this has affected me, I have let him know that home is a "safe" place for him,etc. etc... So I assume I need to sit back, leave him be and see what happens in Dec.??????


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Nope - You need to eliminate anything that he complained about before. One thing you can work on is your credit card useage. The amount that you owed was very high, no matter what you bought.

What I did after finding out about my WH's affair was get busy working on myself. I cleaned the house spotless, organized things, got busy doing the yard, made a garden, detailed the car, did volunteer work, exercised, joined a women's church group, etc.

These things made me feel better, as my self-esteem was in the toilet.

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LoveGod Offline OP
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Ok I have done that. I don't have any credit cards AT ALL. And no debt.The only real complaints he had was the way that I spent his/my money (not balancing checkbook, etc.) and the fact that I relied on him for my happiness (which is true). He felt like that was too much pressure on him being over there. And I know that now. I know that happiness has to come from me and that is what I am working on now in IC. I have my own money and I don't ask him for money. He automatically pays for rent and my car payment b/c he knows I cannot afford it w/ the money I make..even w/ 2 jobs. But he and I both agreed to this financial arrangement long ago.


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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Quote
His contract is up in March but he "obligated" himself to this supervisor's position until next Sept. Not sure what he is going to do.


IMO, I think you need to address this with him when he comes home.

In order for your M to thrive and not be vulnerable to another A, it seems to me that you two most definitely need to be living together as a married couple. I can understand when a couple has NO CHOICE as in military situations. However, your H has already evidenced his vulnerability..and according to the Harleys' philosophy it is essential for you two to meet each others primary ENs. That seems awfully difficult if not impossible for you to do when you are apart like this. Plus, you don't have the advantage of many married many years beforehand. The early years of marriage are difficult even for those who are living together.

So, as I suggested yesterday, some talk with him about PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE when he comes home seems to be absolutely necessary.

You say you are not sure what HE is going to do.

This is a COUPLE decision that YOU TWO should both agree upon...


INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR is included as a LOVEBUSTER....


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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What kinds of things are you doing to make yourself happy?

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Believer, I honestly don't know what to do to make myself happy...i mean, I go to the gym, i am in IC, i love to go to the movies, i have just a couple of friends here since I just moved here in May, I have never really been on my own before so this is very scary..I am not comfortable in my own skin and I am not sure how to get to that point.
Mimi, I understand what you are saying, but what am I to do if he does not want to come home in march? I cannot force him to do it...I can't force him to do anything. He is going to have to want this..But on the other hand, if he doesnt come home in March, I can look at this as an opportunity to allow myself to grow and be by myself and get to know me w/o him in the picture...but then what do I do in Sept. after he gets home...aaaaahhhhhh, I am very confused......HELP


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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I feel very close to you, because I used to be the same way. I had abandonment issues, and could never be without a man - any man. My IC worked with me until I felt comfortable being alone. This time needs to be all about you working on yourself to be able to feel good alone.

My IC used to tell me that it is very bad to always need a man. Often I would just grab the nearest one, which led to a lot of relationship problems.

You can continue working on you, making a wonderful life for YOU, and hopefully your husband will want to join you.

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LoveGod Offline OP
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Hey...yep I am the exact same way...I have dated man after man for all the wrong reasons...I have serious abandonment issues which is why I cling to men. My H has abandonment issues also but he runs instead of clinging...


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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