I know I've brought up, that we are leaving in a couple days...leaving the 20th back the 28th. The 23rd will be a month since my dear H, found out about my "encounter" with another man.

I want to do something special for him...I just don't know what. I think it's way to soon to offer renewing my vows to him. Thought about a letter, heartful one....

He's not wearing his wedding ring... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Maybe a dinner and massage in our room.....??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do we avoid talking about *it*? Do we talk only positive and about the future???

I'm so nervous.

Hello,

You touched on something that I have never understood. Why would a betrayed spouse wish to renew their vows with the same person who broke them in the first place? If the vows apparently had no meaning the first time then why would they have any additional meaning a second time? I am sorry but I just don't get it.

Oh the vows DID and DO have meaning.....my actions were and are completely out of my character and morals....my husband knows that, that's why he is stil with me.

We are still together and working on our marriage ~ Why would he want to renew vows with me??? Because I FEEL HE TRULY KNOWS MY HEART...Because we learn from our mistakes, because nobody is perfect, we are only human. He said, "I felt that one of us was going to do this...it just so happened to be you."

HE KNOWS I'LL NEVER CAUSE HIM OR I OR OUR FAMILY THIS PAIN AGAIN>>>>I COULDN"T BEAR IT

I signed papers giving up 95% of our marital assets....if we ever have to face this again {which I know I won't do}....even if HE makes the mistake he gets 95%.
So "no" it's not about the money...and believe me I don't make much, it's not about the kids or anything else EXCEPT.....we don't picture our lives with out each other.........

My husband knew we were drifting apart yet, continued to go to the bars night after night....and not spend any time helping our marriage grow. We were living seperate lives since we got married....

There's so, so many factors......

I have a book soley for WS's.....and how to help your BS. It has really helped me...the one thing the author states is:
Discuss your A with your Spouse, God and your counselor...no one else.
Well, I am breaking that rule by coming here...but I started here before I started counseling and didn't want to have my family involved.
You see, PEOPLE....all PEOPLE give tainted views on BS's and WS's....depending on their past histories..and experiences.....Their past histories will sway them one way or the other...and not view things objectively.

My husband held me as I sobbed with the pain that I caused him....I'm SURE....He FEELS my remorse.......

Iamforgiven - I am the BH and I planned a long special weekend away about 3 months after DDay (after DDay wife immediately wanted to restore the M). On the trip she gave me a cute card with something very personal and nice written in it...every day. I cried like a big baby every day. She also bought me special candy...favorites from my childhood...and gave them to me everyday. Very simple but meaningful.

I'm definitely not out of recovery but it does worry me that you said this would "never" happen again. One thing I've learned through my W's A is there is no such thing as never. She has to be one of the least likely people to do this and yet she did. And it is who she is. I think you need to realize it is who you are and it is in all of natures to make these kinds of mistakes.

Bravo to your H for wanting to renew the vows. I am determined that at recovery we will renew our vows in church to show that we have a deeper, truer understanding of what that really means.

I chose to say, "My past does not define me"

Think U mistunderstood....he didn't state he wanted to renew...I thought he'd appreciate it....LATER....

First off, I commend you on your actions. Do this, first have something neat for each day, a card, candy... the simple things that you could just leave on the pillow after his shower or when he is not looking, nothing over the top just an item that when he sees it will know you were thinking of him when you put it there... Then also have 1 or 2 special things planned, a massage or special dinner should be PLANNED, now if the the simple things work then you can ask him, "I have x planned special tonight for us, will you go with me....?" Then you leave it up to him, if he says NO. You smile from inside not just on your face and say that is alright when your ready we will do it and then you go do what he wants to do. I think you win either way. He goes, you build with him. If you don't you show him that your there for more than appeasing him your there when he is mad and doesn't want to do your things.

I would stay away from heavy convesation for now, its a vacation let both of you have fun

Yes, I know what U mean about "never"....my husband ALWAYS bragged how he NEVER had to worry about me when he was gone on his "trips"....and I NEVER had to worry about him. And the whole time....we were NOT investing time and emotions in each other.

I really like the idea of cards....one time when he went on a snowmobiling trip I put short love notes in his coffee cup, boots and suitcase....

I've stated it before and liken *it* and *this chance to a near death experience. Life changing: Some people view it as a second chance to do better, others *miss it. I choose to do better.....

V, thank you. Yes, the conversation comes when he continues to ask me the same questions...haven't gotten angry yet...but depression is building inside me.
My things are exercising the dogs, riding the horses and Trying to stay in shape....which of course has all been put on the back burner and he's my focus completely now and getting my life right with God.
Yes, I don't want US to associate our vacation with filling out questionaires or self-help books.
I'm praying thru all this...we will be each other's favorite recreational partner...not just going out to dinner or hanging out in the bar...doing his stuff. I love to go on walks with the dogs and enjoy nature....would love to have him beside me...instead of living his own life.