Please don't trust your husband to "out" himself.
You must own part of that exposure.
Send the e-mail to the boss to be sure he knows the true situation.
This is simply a consequence of his behaviour. Him losing his job would be HIS fault for having an affair. Not yours for talking about it.

Losing his job might be the best thing for your family.

Hi Kiwibrit,
I have been following your story and you are getting good advice. I just wanted to stick my 2 cents in about the letter to the dean. I would not emphasis his heavy workload. While it may have been a factor, lots of people deal with heavy workloads and stress and don't take a mistress and destroy their family to deal with it. He needs to be held accountable for his continuing decisions.

I think it is great if you can write a supportive letter about wanting to recover the marriage. But make it factual and to the point for the dean. Especially if he is going to get a separate letter from your H that WILL definately have a softer sell of the affair in it.

Good luck! You are doing great standing up for yourself and your kids! Keep it up.

kiwi, I wouldn't suggest writing the dean to make excuses for your husband. The point of exposure is to kill the affair, not to rationalize filthy, unacceptable behavior. Write to him to EXPOSE the affair. There is no excuse for adultery and doing so is not very loving. You do your H no favors by pretending like he is not fully responsible for this choice.

All of these silly excuses are not loving, but ENABLING. That is like handing a gun to a suicidal person. Your H is he11bent on destruction and you only help him achieve that by making up silly excuses for him.

The letter to the dean should say that your H is having an adulterous affair with student XYZ [insert name] and taht it threatens to destroy your marriage. Ask him what he intends on doing about it.

Please REALLY support your H and drop this appeasement and rationalization parade.

Secondly, the affair needs to be exposed BY YOU, kiwi, to make sure the CORRECT FACTS get to the dean and the collegue. It doens't mean much coming from your H who will just spin, lie, and twist the truth to cover his [censored].

Ok thanks... I see your points. I will re-word it to state my case more strongly.

kiwi, I would state it as factually and straightforward as possible so he takes you seriously. Something like:

Dear Dean,

I am writing to inform you of an illicit affair between my husband, Joe Doe, and his student, Sally Slutpuppy. This affair began in the classroom around May XX, 2006 [insert date] and has escalated to a full fledged physical affair. I have overwhelming evidence of a physical affair and my husbands admission of same.

This affair is destroying our marriage as my H is spending more and more time away from home pursuing his adulterous affair with your student. This has had a dreadful impact on our family, as you can imagine.

I would be happy to discuss this in more detail with you at your earliest convenience as I would like to know what you intend on doing about it.

Very best,

Kiwi

You are probably better with words than I and would want to wordsmith it, but that is the general idea.

"Sally Slutpuppy", I know this is serious but that was amusing.

I know I keep going on about the academic angle of all this but, KB, if you can add in your letter that the A started just before the student handed in her dissertation or thesis or had her papers graded or whatever, that sort of thing makes Deans sit up and REALLY take notice.

AND

Perhaps CC the School Board of Directors/Governors or whatever they call them.

Him getting fired or a FIRM REQUIREMENT that he end the affair with a student OR lose his job would be the BEST thing that could happen.

Sure it may be tough on the family, sure he may fantasize about going to live in a hovel with OW, but when push comes to shove he'll HAVE to get another job ....somewhere away from OW to support you, the kids and/or even OW and their escapades.

I'd also recommend getting your hands on some or most of the family money to protect yourself and the kids from wayward shenanigans. You are too far from home and support to risk the chance that wayward may clean you guys out. A good legal argument can be made that you are not being vindictive if you clear out a equal percentage share for you and the kids from any and all such savings/checking accounts. I believe you have two kids so that means you can justify "protecting" 3/4 ths of such monies. Don't trust him...protect yourself...the sooner the better. If he gets fired...he could be gone in a flash.

Mr. Wondering

Dear Kiwibrit,

One of the most important things about you taking the initiative and sending this letter/email is that you will be ACTing rather than REacting. Don't underestimate the importance of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem... which are always extremely shaky in the aftermath of a shock this great.

Try formulating a PLAN... and then following through with it. If nothing else, MB is extremely good at helping people stick to their plans to save their Ms. At the moment, your H seems to believe that you are going to simply allow him his fantasy world... he can have OW, you and kids nearby, dream job, and all will be well and everyone will admire and pamper him. This is how deluded he has become in his fog.

However, if you decide what it is that you want to do, what it is that you are prepared to accept and what it is that you are definitely not prepared to accept, and then you direct all your energy into pursuing your goals... you not only have the best chance of saving your M, you also will be truly proud of yourself and keep your dignity intact.

Have you read Star*fish's post about fear? This really sums it up for me.

Good luck! remember that you are doing really, really well just to hold it together at the moment... for most people, this is a life-changing experience.

KB
Remember the secret is his and not yours to keep You did not make any promises to keep any details of his affair a secret.
As you can see already he is losing control of the situation fast with each exposure .Given the small town nature of a university campus I cant see how he would have kept it a secret for very long anyway. He must have been seen with her whenever they were out and about together, 6 degrees of separation are probably narrowed to 1 degree in an institutional environment

.Often the wife is the last to find out .

Keep on exposing and watch fairy land come unravelled.

kiwi,

In the case of "blatant" affairs where the WS cruely flaunts and expects you to tolerate an affair openly.....I don't recommend a long Plan A. Open affairs do so much damage so quickly....that it's important to complete the steps in Plan A effectively and quickly.....so that you can move into Plan B before the callousness of this slap in the face wreaks too much havoc on your own self esteem and love for you husband. Right now you have a shameless and unrepentent spouse.....stopping to get his kayak is an example of true entitlement issues and blatant cruelty.....it's shockingly painful and selfish. It's next to impossible to do a good plan A when your face is continually rubbed in the dirt. In order to keep from lovebusting in a situation like that....you practically have to disrespect yourself.....and that's an ugly dynamic. So commit to a short, but excellent Plan A (making sure not to skip confrontation and exposure).....and if he remains unchanged.....Don't linger too long and move to Plan B.

I do think exposure to the Dean is absolutely necessary....and I prefer a letter that stresses reconciliation but isn't worded like a demand. I agree with those who say that you shouldn't make excuses for your husband's behavior....but it's important that your motive for exposure is clearly about saving the marriage and that you need their help. You want them to be motivated to help you.....so it's important not to sound like a "woman scorned", but a woman who clearly is doing her best to save her family. Remind them of the innocent children who need their father, rather than rationalizing his choices. I think the details about timing (right before exams) is a critical piece of information too.

I think the financial advice is also important. Prepare now....for the possibility that you will need to secure funds and take steps to end contact with your husband. Plan B will END the cruelty and cake eating and bring reality rushing into this situation. It will also give you protection from his blatant cruelty.

I'm sending hugs and prayers your way!!

kiwi,

I am sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.....my WS was also 'blatant' about his A....felt totally 'entitled' NOT to make an effort to recover M and 'pass up' the chance to have a new and wonderful R with OW.....and so agree with Star*fish....stay in the situation as little as possible.....and go to PLAN B for cover...

...I waited until WS left home to go to PLAN B....wish I could go back and have had the strength to 'open the door' and let him choose SOONER... I don't think it would have changed anything, really..my WS was/is too deep in fantasyland.... but it would have been better 'damage control' for me.....and it wasn't because I was not being advised to do so...I got some MBers here really discouraged with my lack of ACTION.....but I think I waited too long and had gotten myself into a 'paralysed' state of shock....

...but since I can't go back...the next best thing would be if I can help others avoid some 'unnecessary' pain, instead?

KiwiBrit,

We haven't heard from you in a couple weeks. Can you please give us an update?

Jo

bumping for update....

KiwiBrit....hope you are doing OK!