hi all. I have a growing issue with my husband of 3 years. I wanted to hifinate my surname with my husbands surname as I felt a little sad of letting go of my maiden name (being the only child). My husband on the other hand has always hated this idea and keeps going on and on in every second arguement about something else about it. He just brings it up in every possible way. I have hifinated my name on all documents except on my drivers licence and my car is under my maiden name as I got it before I married. He keeps ranting on and on. even when a telemarketer call the house and calls him mr Sharma he hits the roof and screams to the poor person that his wife hasnt "YET" changed her name. This makes me mad, as firstly why does this need to be justified to a complete stranger?? and two, what does he mean by yet?? what should I do?? am I in the wrong over a surname??? Help!!!!

I wonder whether this is so important to him because it suggests that you are not proud to be "his"? My husband and I agreed before marriage to both change our names to a combined last name, but he backed out right after I changed mine. He then berated me for 2 years about it until I finally just gave in and changed it to his last name. Afterward, you could feel the hush of the calm that followed. It was such a relief.

I don't know what you should do, but maybe weigh out how important this is to you versus how important it is to him, and consider whether it is worth the peace it might give.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck. :-)

Kin:

I married my wife. I didn't buy her. So, she didn't change her name. If I own it, I can name it. I do not own my wife.

Changing the last name of the woman is a custom. A tradition. Nothing more. Does not mean that you love him more or less.

So, do not allow the argument to happen. He says something rude, change the subject, or walk out of the room.

And Ablocke, I wouldn't trust much of your Husbands agreements going forward. Look what he backed out on. We can jump off the cliff together! Ahh, you go first! Look how stupid you are? Look at what a coward and liar I am!

If you are wrong then there are millions of others out their just like you.

When I married thirty years ago it was popular for professional women to hyphenate or keep their own name. I kept mine and took H's last name as a middle name. (Something we discussed ahead of time--he said it was up to me).

He was so happy that I had agreed to marry him that he would have gone along with anything. But he too grew sarcastic and argumentative on the matter after we were married.

I told him that I found his attitude and outburts (he had a few when callers called him by my name also) very disrespectful to me and my identity.

I told him that if he was so hellbent on sharing a last name he could have his legally changed to mine. I even said I would change mine to his the second ten years of our marriage if he used mine the first ten years. I even (I knew he wouldn't).

I stuck to my guns (it was important to me at the time). He got over it. It has been at least 25 years since he has said boo about it.

I guess I would like to know what it MEANS to a husband who wants his wife to take his last name, before just refusing.

In my case, my husband's family was (is) so dominating and overpowering that I wanted us to start our own family and not always be under their shadow. My husband agreed that we would set off to create our own new way of being, neither his family's nor my family's traditional ways.

After marriage, however, he immediately felt "cut off" from his family, and took my "refusal" of his last name to be a rejection of his entire family. We had discussed how creating a combined last name for both of us would show that we were part of where we came from, but creating a new family with new ways.

In the end, this was more than he could bear, he was fearful and embarassed using the new last name in front of his family, and he caved in to the pressure. Then my mixed last name was an embarassing reminder of what he'd almost done, sort of like he had been caught betraying his own family.

I do see the implication that it's somehow okay for me to "betray" or "abandon" my own family, as long as he keeps his. I do see that he failed to keep his word, and lousygolfer, you are right that it was a sign of many more broken agreements to come.

HOWEVER, with all that said, I have to look at what life was like before and after I changed to his last name. It's a case of "do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" My husband is not someone who keeps his word, and no amount of fighting about it will change that. It sucks for me, and I hate it, but nothing I do will force him to change, nor am I convinced I have the right to force change on him, not even positive change.

I am not prepared to divorce him over this, and I would rather live in peace than constant conflict. So, all I am left with is choosing to accept it, which I did. Now, I might as well leave it in the past. Not all marital problems are fixable; this one is best left alone, for me. As they say, I have bigger fish to fry.

In the end, I know that my identity as a human being has nothing to do with my last name. A rose by any other name... And I don't mind people knowing that I belong with my husband, despite himself.

For me, it's not worth continuing to struggle over. I prefer peace. I guess you will have to decide for yourself whether this is an area where it is important for you to take a stand. For me, I realized it wasn't really important enough to be worth all the fuss.

Don't let anyone else tell you what you SHOULD find important enough to fight for, but make sure that you are thinking about it yourself.

When we got married, my H took my last name. But, don't look for any deep 'meaning' to it -- it actually started with an offhand, joking comment I made. I suppose it's more a testament to his sense of humor than anything else.

He absolutely relishes having a 'maiden' name -- he loves telling people that.

Mys

LOL
I love it!
Mys......this might be why it's difficult for you to understand the issues many of us us wifes have w/ a more
'typical' male husband.


i didn't want to take my H's last name....for 2 simple reasons.
1. i liked my maiden name.
and 2.
he had a sister w/ my same first name and it irrated me to be called HER NAME.
my H was a little put off by it when i told him but he SEEMED to understand and respect my choice.

i thought he was ok w/ this... but as it turned out his father, brothers and friends had issues w/ it and the next thing i knew he was telling me he felt disrespected and wanted me to take his name.
technically, i took it (but didn't use it at work)....simply because i could see that it was causing him anxiety and i didn't want to fight about it....i didn't want him to feel disrespected over this and i couldn't figure out how to get him to understand that i meant no disrespect....not at all....i couldn't see how it could be considered disprespectful.
but, i knew he FELT IT and i didn't want him to feel that.

funny, this week-end we had a conversation about maiden names w/ his mother because of a relative who kept her maiden name.....now, she is traditional and that's fine, but i was bothered by her response.
she thinks it was disrespectful of the woman not to take the man's name....."it's 1 thing if she was a professional.....like a doctor or a lawyer.....but, she was nothing special.....she just thinks she is......and she made he husband look like a fool by not taking his name."

I think names are important, even mystical. So, to me, I can see both sides of the arguement. By not taking a man's name a woman is making a statement that she is who she is and is an independent being.

I like the hyphenated or the Spanish way of using "y" which means "and." The children then bear both names. Santiago y Garcia. It sounds regal.

My mother kept her married name from her first marriage as her legal name, but after the divorce started inserting her maiden name into her social life. After she remarried, she continued to use all three surnames socially. Legally and professionally, she kept her first married name. I'm sure it's a terrible breach of ettiquette. LOL

Independent Behavior is one of the Love Busters that we are supposed to avoid. A couple should try very hard to NOT retain independence. Instead they should try to become interdependent which means that they rely on each other not on themselves to meet their needs. Here's where Dr. Harley talks about independent behavior -- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

If you keep your last name in order to keep your independence then you are actually doing something against Marriage Builders and against your marriage's success. If you keep it for a different reason then I guess it gets into the Policy of Joint Agreement.