Just got a VM from attorney's office. I sent the paperwork changes last Thursday. Guess they're calling to say they have the document ready to sign.

Why do I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat?

I believe this is right but I'm so sad over the whole thing. I really want peace over the situation. I have it until I talk to him and then it goes out the window and I go back to second guessing myself.

Please tell me this is just a normal response. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please tell me that in my situation I'm doing the right thing.

I can't tell you if it is the right thing or not. I am afraid I am not familiar with your situation.
But I can tell you it is a normal response.
This is a tough thing to do! It stinks!

In the end, I am the one who filed for the D. My WxH was no longer helping me out financailly, and he was doing a lot of really stupid things, so I needed the paperwork to force him to at least pay the child support, and take responsibility for his own debts.

Tell me a little more about your situation. What are your fears?

Probably the typical ones:
I'm doing the wrong thing.
We could put it back together.
I'll end up alone.

My situation is pretty bad. Verbal, physical, emotional abuse. Affairs. Nothing ever resolved.

You know, my entire family tells me (including most of my MB family) to move on. It won't work. Too many issues. Too much water under the bridge.

I don't want to make a mistake. If I don't talk to him I'm okay. Have a few rough spots but mostly okay. If I talk to him I get angry b/c I do still love him and all that has happened to get us to this point really hurts.

My big thing is not wanting to do the wrong thing. Because of that I've really done nothing. Every time I got close on D he would threaten suicide and I would hold off/back down.

Just reading my posts, people must think I'm pretty warped myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well he's not threatening now is he? He asked you to proceed with the attorney. He also asked you and your daughter to stay away from his house this weekend (presumably so he could further conduct one of his affairs).

He's abusive. He's a multiple cheater (5 affairs?)
And he's requested that you file.

I don't know why you wouldn't, unless you want to remain in this drama.

People can be in love, regardless of how bad the relationship is. That's were you're at. It is a very unhealthy relationship.

Someone needs to have the strength to break this cycle.
Why not you?

Sounds like a fear of the unknown.
Fear of being alone.

Very common.
Frankly, your H probably has these similar fears. That is why he “freaks out” when you talk D. He doesn’t want to treat you with the love and respect that a H should give his W. He doesn’t want to cherish you, protect you, and be faithful to you. But he doesn’t want to take any chances that someday he may wake up alone, and be stuck with himself. He always wants to have some woman, any woman, around to keep him from being alone. And you have always been there for him – his place to fall back on. If OW#1 or OW#2, or any other fling did not work out, you were always waiting in the background, so he never had to say, “I am single”

His suicide threats? I am sure they are scary – but lets face it – that is his further attempt to control you. When the name calling, the yelling, the threats, the intimidation, when those things no longer work, and you are FINALLY taking care of your self and your daughter, he has to resort to his last straw- he will threaten suicide. He needs to keep you down, keep you locked up tight.

But you deserve better, and so does your daughter. Your WH will find another woman to intimidate. She will feel sorry for him at first. She will listen to his lies, his “woe is me” attempt at sympathy. And then, when he has her hooked, he will fall back on his same old habits.

You are afraid to “give up your M”. But the fact is, you don’t have a M. Your H certainly does not act like his married. A marriage is supposed to be a mutually exclusive R. In a M, you do not try to rule over your W, control her, and scare her into submission. That is not a M.

I was once like you. Convinced that I would be alone forever. After all, I was 40 years old. Slightly overweight. And I had zero self-esteem left. My H left me for another woman. If I couldn’t even keep my own H around, how on earth would I ever find any other man who would be interested in me?

After my D was final I started to see that I could have fun all by myself! I invited friends over more often. I joined the church choir. I went to my sons wrestling matches, and sat with the other parents (before – my WH would accuse me of putting the kids above him if I went to the meets and left my H home by himself. That was his son too – he could have gone to the meets – but he didn’t, and if I went anyway, I was a bad wife) I got busy living my own life, the way I wanted to.
And I met a wonderful man, who I am married to now.

You can do this. And you can be happy. Start making plans for YOUR new life.
Be careful. I am not telling you to start looking for another man!! I am telling you to makes plans to live your own life. If a man comes along who fits into that life, great. But first, get back to being your own self. Find out what you like to do. You have very likely spent your married years trying to enjoy the things your H wanted to do. Now you get to find out what you like to do regardless of what any man thinks.

L2S,

Listen to what you just said. "If I don't talk to him I'm okay." What kind of marriage could you possibly have if you didn't talk to him? That is the only way you can have peace if you stay with him, so cut the cord! This is not a health relationship for you or your daughter. Sure it's going to be hard. You loved this man, but he has shown you no respect and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. And, it's not like anything has gotten any better. In fact, is gotten worse.

I know this is gut-wrenching, but you must do it--if not for yourself, then for your daughter.

Xring

What you are feeling right now, is very normal and common. I felt all of those things you described. But deep down in my gut, I KNEW I was doing the right thing, as bad as it felt.

The good news is that those feelings of sadness and grief fade away. You have to grieve it somewhat like a death. But as time goes by, you'll feel more and more sure of your decision, and less grief over it. In fact, you may even begin to develop relief and happiness after time goes by, and you will be able to look back and say to yourself, "Thank GOD I finally took that step!!" And you won't even begin to imagine 'why' you held off as long as you did. You'll adjust to your new way of living and won't want to settle for less than the best! AND...you'll be able to live to tell your story to others and maybe someday help someone in a similar situation.

Good Luck, L2S! I'm thinking of you!!

Jen

On my way to work after dropping my D at school, I went to a friend's house who sells silver jewelry. My D wants a couple of things for Christmas so I arranged to go to her house. She has a lot going on w/shows, etc. and we both decided that this morning would be best.

I talked to my niece by cell until I got there. When I got back in the car my H had called several times. I called him back.

He accused me of meeting someone b/c I went to the side of town where the guy from church lives. Actually, he probably lives about 20 miles from where I went but, b/c my H thinks I went way out of the way when I could have done it some other time, I was meeting this guy!!!

So, we had a big blowup about that. I told him that I was the one that talked to my friend and that this was the best time for both of us. My daughter is usually with me whenever she's out of school and I'm off work so I couldn't go then.

What a mess. If I don't give him my exact itinerary two weeks in advance I'm meeting someone. I've never met anyone. And, like I keep telling him, there are so many folks so eager to run to you and tell you that mine and the guy at church's eyes crossed paths but, how many times has anyone come to you and said they saw us together, they heard we went out of town, they saw my car at his house, etc. The answer.....none. The reason.......never happened. But, you on the other hand...........

Anyway, did he make a big production out of it b/c he is pushing me to get the papers while still saying a D isn't what he wants?

I told him that he has way more opportunity to meet someone than I do but I don't automatically accuse him every time he leaves the house.

Ummm...you're filing for divorce -- it is no longer his business what you do or who you see.
Tell him that instead of justifying yourself and trying to account for every minute of your time.

Start getting him OUT of your business.

Don't play the blame game and tell him he has more opportunity...blah blah blah -- tell him its none of his business anymore.

L2S,

Please disengage from this man!

You are filing for divorce, you shouldn't even be talking to him, especially when it upsets you. Get the filing completed and get on with YOUR life.

Xring

O.k. My WS is also emotionally abusive and I'm starting to see that the fact that you second guess yourself when they are actually talking to you is part of the pattern. They are very convincing and that is part of their schtick. You are used to a pattern of lying down and giving in when they do their "convincing"/mind games. It becomes not worth the effort to take the brunt of their anger and control tactics. So your mental pattern is already habituated to agreeing with what they say, seeing their side of things (even if it's twisted), etc.

This has been a very hard realization for myself as well and I'm still going through this. I do the same thing - when I'm with him I feel like I shouldn't have filed for D, that he's willing to work on this, etc. But when I'm not with him, my resolve strengthens and i feel firm in my plans. I think that's natural and a natural reaction to abuse as well.

I don't know your whole story, but this may help coming from someone who *doesn't*. FIVE affairs and physical abuse? Don't even second guess yourself. Sign the papers, grieve the relationship and move on. Yes, you'll feel sad. It's a loss of a dream, of an intact family, of a healthy relationship, of someone who respects and loves you. Get some help to deal with this in the interim but don't think twice about signing the papers.

So, here’s what happened over the weekend. Comments please.

Saturday…. He called me and wanted me to ask my D if she wanted to go look at Christmas lights w/him that evening. I put my hand over phone and asked. She didn’t want to go but told me to ask if she could call him back. B/c he couldn’t hear me ask her, he got mad and said never mind.

Later he called to say he got the message that she didn’t want to go; but, he’s the one that said never mind and hung up. Then, he called later to say that he was hoping that I would have said that I wanted to go too. Anyway, we never saw or heard from him. Around 10pm he started leaving VMs (2) about me going to church on Sunday and about how I should go and feel good about all that I had done.

Sunday morning … more VMs (2) about going to church. It was over. He had gotten the message. He had done all that I had asked and nothing was ever good enough. He gave me copy of cell bill earlier in the week. True, he hadn’t talked to XW or OW as much as he once had but there were occasional calls to and from both of them. To my knowledge he hasn’t been to counseling. He hasn’t been cursing me out as much as he normally does.

Sunday after church was over……. Started out the front door. Whose truck do I see in the parking lot? Yep. So, I went back inside. Found my niece. She went out and checked and came back and said “It’s him”. So, I waited until most folks had left, especially the guy he’s accused me of and his g/f. I told my D to go w/my sister but she wouldn’t. So, we walk to the car;he’s left a note on my car window that says “GOTCHA”. We get in and start to pull off. He semi blocks my way so I go the other way. He starts to come around so I drive to the back of the church and he comes back there. I go around a van and leave the church. He’s in a huge truck so he can’t maneuver as quickly as I can.

He starts calling. I don’t answer. Then, he starts leaving VMs. First one says I couldn’t have hurt him any more than I just did. He was just bringing some mail to me that he thought I might need and he just wanted to see me and D for a few minutes. Then, he calls back crying about how much I had humiliated him. Then he calls back and says he wouldn’t want me around him with 10 body guards there. Then, he starts the calls about how I’m poisoning my D against him. Then the “and you want child support” VMs started.

I’m sorry but, I don’t see that I did anything wrong in this. He came to church, left what I considered a threatening, nasty message. He starts following me around the parking lot and I don’t know what he’s up to. He did not leave a note like “got some mail for you”, meet me at X, etc. I didn’t mean to embarrass him but, he has told me so many times about embarrassing me in front of all, confronting guy in front of all, etc. I didn’t know what he would do. My only thought was to get away from the church.

Anyway, I’m sorry that it happened like it did but, I don’t think I did anything wrong in this.

the only thing you did wrong was participate.

Don't take that first call, or the second.
(thank goodness you finally let VM take over!)

I think his behavior is very threatening. And you should consider a restraining order after you have him served.

So, now he is pulling the same thing. He keeps telling me to get the papers done. Now, he's telling me that he will not pay child support and that we will have to go to court. He's crying and begging for one more chance. Now he's starting w/the veiled threats of suicide (like - print some more labels for business - they will be needed).

It's not going to work. It just isn't. I know it. Too much has happened. There's too much to get past. Too much to work through. Too many people involved in the whole sordid thing.

It won't work. I'm trying so hard to just let go and move on and now he's begging again. I can't take it.

The attorney has the papers ready for signature and he's wanting a copy. So, I'll go to attorney and sign and get copy for him. He's not going to sign it. I'm so tired.

I called the attorney yesterday and got a copy for him. He started complaining about CS but later said he adopted her and felt he should pay. It was an obligation he took on.

Now, he's sad and remorseful. He's apologetic and saying everything is his fault; it's not. He also said he knows that I haven't been w/anyone else. Him accusing me was his way of trying to hurt me/make me mad and make himself feel better about all he has done. But..........

I know that when this tactic doesn't work he is going to turn nasty again. It's not over. Right now, he's doing a little of the dropping hints about suicide. But, I can't let that deter me. I know this is a bad time of year but, I thought about it and figure there's no good time for this. There's always another special day/holiday coming up throughout the entire year. And, the D won't be final during Christmas anyway; not until January.

I do hurt for both of us. I hurt for what we could have had but chose not to work toward. I hurt for him b/c all he has is a dysfunctional family (mom/brothers/sisters) that are just takers. I hurt for him b/c his kids couldn't care less (unfortunately or fortunately ? including mine). I hurt for him b/c he has hurt so many people.

Then, I turn around and wonder why I hurt for him? He has made my life a living h*ll for so long. He has hurt me in so many ways. Why should I / why do I still care?

You'll make it, L2S. You've come so far, and that is why this hurts. You've finally made it to the point where the reality is setting in, and it feels like a shock, even though you knew it was coming. It's very much like a death of a loved one who was terminally ill. Even though you know what's coming, it doesn't lessen the pain.

But this feeling will pass, and things will move forward. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't believe that you will regret your choice when the day comes that you and your daughter have found true peace in your lives.

Hang in there, Honey! You're doing great and sounding stronger all the time! My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

(((L2S)))

Jen

Document it all... he will eventually try and hurt you by trying to take the kids, if he can get you directly he will get you through the kids, keep the VM's DO not delete them. Play them into a recorder so you can keep them.

I feel for you, everytime something goes wrong for my WW she threatens me with the kids, oh your not going to see them, oh I am going to take them, you better pay me what I want, etc etc.

Get strong, like you said you know its not going to end. He needs a lot of counseling, he needs to live on his own, not with you not with OW but alone and find himself.

When he says things like suicide, remind him that its a choice of his and no one else.

You're afraid of being alone, afraid of the unknown. You live in bondage. You're the puppet and he is your master. Break your tethers and be free. Tell him "You're not pulling my strings any more." The next time he threatens suicide tell him "Stop teasing.." then say "Grow up." The next time you feel he is manipulating you, laugh at him.

You're a strong person. Have faith in yourself.

Do you keep a journal L2S?

I think when he starts going through the cycles of anger, threats, pity, anger, etc. -- you can review it, and become less emotionally invested in it.

He plays your emotions. He takes advantage of your feelings. He manipulates you.

Have you done any individual counseling? It might really benefit you -- to avoid taking on his problems as your own. Co-dependency.

He says everything is his fault -- and you immediatly say its not and start taking on the blame. L2S -- this IS his fault...let him own it.

Left town Monday evening for two days out of town; work related 2.5 hours away. Yesterday afternoon he called and asked where I was; I told him the store I was in. He asked me to look at something that his son was looking for. Someone pulled on my purse. I turned around. It was my H.

We walked around for awhile then went to get fast food and took back to my hotel.

The rest is all my own emotional codependent stuff. He asked me what the cost was for the room. Said it was too much. I know money's tight. He would have been on the road in the middle of the night and I was worried so I told him to stay. He did. I kept my sweats on and went to bed. He came to bed but got up and dressed and left b/c he wanted me to be comfortable and sleep w/o worrying that he was there; try to have sex, etc. Anyway, that's what he said. I begged him to stay b/c I was worried and slept poorly all night wondering if he made it home. I know he left the area I was in b/c I saw the gas ticket w/the city and time on it; he was low on fuel when he left.

He said he was sorry. Everything is his fault. He's the one that screwed it all up. He made bad choices. He loves me and always will. He understands that he messed up and that too much has happened for me to go back.

Said he is ready to sign the papers to move forward w/D. Said he understands and won't bother me anymore. And........

I then start to feel awful. Why do I feel awful? I know we can't repair it. I know that the things we would have to do to put our M back together are monumental. I know I would have a hard time ever trusting him again. There are still so many issues?

Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so depressed? This is what I've wanted for awhile. Not what I want but, no choice. How do you get past all that has been done?

Why do I feel so sad and down and blue?