Greengables, I know you are only trying to protect my feelings and I appreciate that. Mlhb, you cracked me up with that, "give me 5 minutes alone in a room with this girl." I love that NY attitude.

I have alot of work to do on my own insecurities and I know it. I thought that it would be worth it to let her treat me this way until things were better between us but now I know that's it's never o.k. to allow yourself to be treated that way.

I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't feel that strong connection/attraction towards her but I can't let that affect my judgement or accept anything less then what I deserve. I get that now. I acknowledge my part in the ending of this relationship and I need to learn to trust people more until they give me a reason not to and not just speculation.

I'm gonna tell this new girl that I'm dating what I'm looking for and that I just got out of a relationship so I wanna take things slow with her--Date and enjoy eachother's company. As far as my ex goes, we'll see what happens.

Quote " As far as my ex goes, we'll see what happens."

Huh?

The point is to move away from her not wait & see. Surely your IC is not advocating you reserve a space for this girl.

Good gawd Coughlin, REALLY move on not just pretend to. It's as though you take a baby step ahead while looking over your shoulder looking for this girl to follow, trying to convince yourself you're moving on.

O.k. I honestly don't think she's sleeping with everybody in the office and part of my problem is that people make these assumptions that just because she's hooking up with me, she's hooking up with everybody. If I made that assumption about everybody that I slept with then that would mean that I didn't have much respect for them or myself.

She isn't sleeping around. She's 23 years old and like the attention but knows when to draw the line for the most part. I trust her judgement. Heck, she chose me to be with and I'm a catch. Honestly, I don't mean to defend her but sometimes you guys just go alittle overboard with your accusations and that doesn't help. Sure, I can believ all these things and maybe that would make it easier to move on but I don't wanna compromise my genuine belief that people deserve the benefit of the doubt and second chances.

She's a nice girl who has a lot to learn about life and relationships. That I can accept. The other stuff is just plain ugly. I know that sometimes that's just the truth but not in this case.

I know that she asked about me because close friends of mine told me. She wanted to call me. Guess what though? If she did, it would've been a phone call and not a booty call.

Here's the thing though that I'm confused about and maybe the women on this forum can help me. I slept with this 34 year old on our first date last weekend and she seems to be very serious in wanting a committment which is what I'm looking for. My question is how do you know whether or not sleeping with a woman means the same for you as it does for them? I mean, with my ex, it was just [email]s@x[/email] with no strings but I never experienced that before from a woman's perspective. I thought that women always had to be emotionally attached to have [email]s@x[/email] and thus want to have a relationship.

I slept with this 34 year old on our first date last weekend and she seems to be very serious in wanting a committment which is what I'm looking for.

GOOD GOD...

<shaking head>

Stunned...literally stunned that you did this and still pining away for that young woman in your office...you have got to start using some brain cells.

stunned...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

committed

Coughlin,

She does NOT draw the line for the most part. She would text them while with you...and make plans to meet at bars..didn's she? You told us of that one. If she is having meaningless sex (on her part) with you why would you even think that she isn't doing that with others when you are a witness to her antics in the office. If I have the "assumption" of her doing that, it is only because that is what you have led us to believe.

She did NOT choose you to be with....she chose you as her reliable booty call.

You say:

"If I made that assumption about everybody that I slept with then that would mean that I didn't have much respect for them or myself."

Well, you did sleep with someone on the first date...seems to me that you don't have much respect for her or yourself by that action alone.

Here is a suggestion...

STOP WITH THE SEX ALREADY!!!

Build a relationship with yourself, respect yourself, trust yourself, and honor yourself BEFORE having sex with indiscriminate first dates....sheesh. Sex doesn't make things work, making things work leads to sex.


committed

We're all different Coughlin. Just as men are all different. Yes, there may be traits more commonly found in women but do take each person as they come.

Gotta say Coughlin you seem to be acting with reckless abandon. Why did you have [email]s@x[/email] with this woman on your first date? Was it just physical for you? Maybe a trip to an adult store would be better so you can keep yourself safe. No disrespect intended.

If you're looking for a LT relationship it might be better to start with getting to know someone before the [email]s@x.[/email] When [email]s@x[/email] enters the picture too soon we often don't see clearly.

I would ask myself this: Is the person willing to have [email]s@x[/email] with me on a first date with me because I'm me or are they just looking for a body? Also, is this the kind of person I would want to consider having a LT relationship with?

I would place this person, male or female, in the lonely, perhaps desperate category.

Personally, I need to know MUCH more about a person, have a committed relationship with them, before the [email]s@x.[/email]

Why did I have sex with this first date? I actually thought it would help me to feel better about my situation but it didn't. Actually made me feel worse cause my heart wasn't into it. It felt wrong and I know I need to make sure she is aware of what I'm looking for right now--casual dating and taking things slow but ultimately getting somewhere.

I may have interpreted what my ex did in a negative light and passed that along here. I was hurt and I guess that's only natural. Maybe I should have accepted her more for the type of person she is and not what I wanted her to be.

Somehow I think that "taking things slow" and sleeping with her on the first date are mixed signals, eh?


Huh???

Coughlin, I am seriously beginning to wonder if you are a troll. Nah, probably not, no troll could ever dream up such a bizarre and unhealthy set of circumstances.

My recommendation is to find a new (and good) therapist.

AGG

Oh, excuse me AGG, I didn't realize that I was speaking to perfect people who never make mistakes. I guess you have nothing left to learn. How freakin boring your life must be. I hope I never get to the point in life where nothing surprises me, including myself and how I respond to certain experiences.

You know what's funny. I just realized that if things did work out with my ex, most of you, wouldn't change your tune. You would doubt it all and analyze it so that it confims what you've been telling me all along. I like to stick to my guns also but atleast I know how to be flexible and uncritisizing.

Happiness means different things to all of us and I would have to say that if anyone of you were happy in a situation that wasn't textbook but made you feel safe and alive. I would say, GO for it! Whatever makes you get out of bed in the morning. I for one am not gonna categorize everyone to be either good or bad because I know that's a cop out. It's too easy and life has a lot of grey area. Each of us is different and special in our own way.

Why did I have sex with this first date? I actually thought it would help me to feel better about my situation but it didn't

So...you used her. Much like that girl in the office is using you. How does that make you feel to know that you are no different than the girl you are chasing?


Maybe I should have accepted her more for the type of person she is and not what I wanted her to be.

Maybe you should have taken her at her word when she told you NUMEROUS times...NO relationship.

Do you think you could refrain from tagging this new date as the "34 year old", unless you are defining her by her age. To do that just confirms what people have commented as being your fixation on "young" women.

committed

Well,I'm stunned too and that doesn't happen very often.I knew you seemed to have a lot of trouble seeing clearly and about relationships,IMO,but this beats all.I am going to bow out and just read from now on.It's too much to bear,to keep posting.Like repeatedly slamming your head against the same wall....

Nah, it's just that I, like most of us here, wish you would learn from your mistakes, instead of saying that you did, and then coming right back to bang your head against the wall some more.


Thanks, music to my ears! Nothing like a boring day with two happy kids opening Hanukkah presents, two cute kittens purring on my lap, and a nice dinner in the oven. Yeah, maybe I should liven things up by going out on some bad dates. Nah, I love "boring" too much.


You are right! She's bad news, and that ain't changing anytime soon. BTW, if you think that I don't think she'll ever marry you, think again. She very well might. It's just that I wouldn't consider that to be "working out", I'd consider that to be the beginning of the ultimate disaster for you.


Noted.


Agreed! So if this situation makes you happy and feel alive, then, as you say, "Go for it!". I had the apparently mistaken impression that you were miserable and despondent over the whole thing, maybe I misunderstood.

My other recommendation still stands.

AGG

right on agg!

mlhb

Your absolutely right AGG. I'd prefer to live your life of analyzing things to the point of not making a move. Enjoy your down time because it looks like it's gonna last for awhile. I'm all done posting on this forum as well because some of you only see what you wanna see and in my case, it's usually negative. My guess is that it makes you all feel better about yourselves. That's a great strategy to bring others people down so you don't have to try so hard.

As I said earlier, it takes time…
I'm sure that a certain quantity of pain must be reached, and 'the bottom' has to be touched, to be able to swim, up to the surface…
How much pain, and is it 'the bottom' or just somewhere around it, common for all, but just less or more different from a person to a person…

Re: the counselor (advice to go to the party)… E.g. I'm a type who likes to face things…
So, I'd go too… just to collect that pain and to reach 'that bottom'…
But I don't think I'd "heal" myself by trying to be with someone else, btw…
There are healthier ways… a good book, a good self-analyzing… and, above everything else, working on love for yourself…
And, yes, I believe that someone who doesn't respect nor love themselves, nor have a well balanced self-esteem – cannot have a (healthy!) love for anyone else either…
If you have enough (healthy!) love for yourself, your self-esteem would be well balanced… and nobody could hurt you, ever…
There is just a question unanswered though... Isn't it so nice and peaceful but yet too cold somewhere there where we cannot be hurt at all...
A price, however, has to be paid for either way...

Coughlin,

Your life of meaningless first date sex, unrequited love, and "does she, doesn't she" isn't living the life of Reilly, ya know. I don't know one person that would prefer that over the fulfilling life of WAITING for the right person. WAITING isn't a bad word. Waiting can be used in a beneficial manner. Waiting gives a person time to reflect and improve themselves...which is a good thing.

What is wrong with waiting?

committed

A little analysis never hurt anyone, bud. It would have shown you how unhealthy it is to pine for a woman who does not want a relationship with you, or sleeping with women you hardly know. No one is saying "don't make a move", but there is a difference between making a move, and repeatedly beating your head against the wall and wondering why you have a headache.

AGG

Coughlin, I written this post about three times now. There’s a lot I’d like to say.

I think it may all boil down to this—Grow up.

If you don’t grow up, you will get the girl you deserve, the girl at the office.

Why do I say this? Because you are using real people in order to avoid dealing with pain and suffering just the way she is. She used you, and she’s probably using others to varying degrees. You used a woman who is looking for a serious relationship, a woman you felt comfortable with but not a deep attraction to. Hmm. The girl at work feels attracted to you, but not comfortable. It’s all weird.

The girl at work seems to be looking for the next Best Thing, afraid to miss out; you seem to be looking for anything.

It would also appear you enjoy the excitement and confusion of tangled relationships. I think the girl at the office is enjoying this too. Heck, you may even be enjoying the fact the office is following this story like the best reality TV.

Now, before you get all huffy and think I’m taking a holier-than-thou attitude, let me share this: I’ve done all that and more. I’ve had one-nighters. I’ve used men. I’ve lost the good ones or tossed them aside because I was too immature and uncentered to be in a good relationship. I’ve been in a love triangle where the OGF punched me in the face and broke my nose. Do I have regrets? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!! I regret every person I hurt because I used infatuation and lust to avoid dealing with my own issues. I regret that when I had enough, I jumped into love and marriage with B, something that I should have seen was doomed. I regret that I didn’t learn my lessons more quickly.

Here’s what I think now. There’s a lot more to life than having a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships come and go in the natural course. Look at us here! Most of us have gotten over our ex-spouses, and a couple of girlfriends, boyfriends. If one relationship doesn’t work out, it does not mean there will never be another. Meanwhile, there’s still God or whatever you want to call it, duty, and honor. There’s Truth. I believe there are things out there that are bigger than us, and bigger than romantic Love. And bound up in all that is my belief that one protects other people from one’s own worst instincts.

What's wrong with waiting? Good question. Patience they say is a virtue. Not my strong suit. Honestly, I don't want drama--I'm too damn old for this stuff. I want this girl from office back because I have strong feelings for her. When I let that party, she told our mutual friends that she still had feelings for me and missed me and wanted to call me.

I haven't heard form her since and I haven't contacted her either. Do you know how hard it is to wait for something and move on at the same time? I don't know how to do it and I'm frustrated. Sorry for expressing that here.

But those feelings are unreciprocated, Coughlin. Therein lies the problem.


Third hand information is worse than useless (and high schoolish). Her actions have been beautifully consistent, and have not indicated strong feeling for you.


It's not hard, it's impossible. You have to stop trying to wait for her and move on at the same time, and to move on without her. Let her go screw with some other guy's head, you are too old for those games, to use your words <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG