I’ve known my husband for 5 years before getting married. For 2 years after we’ve been together we had an amazing relationship that we were envied for, everyone would talk how much he loved me..he proposed to me then but I told him we need to have some more time to know each other for marriage…
My shock in this second year is that my husband (my boyfriend at that time) had an emotional affair with his best friend…after that we spent a whole year on and off because of his new lover and he was so frank with me in everything , told me everything regarding his feelings towards her…but he never told her that he loved her (they went out and talked a lot and of course it was obvious to her)… at the end he decided he will tell her and he did but she rejected him saying he is just a friend!! We returned back together and I told him I forgave him but I didn’t really forgive him. .it was too much for me I can remember the ache I felt hearing all details from him …but I wanted him to be honest with me as usual so I encouraged him to talk to me…some time after that his lover friend called him and told him that she loved him but he told her that after some time of their breaking up he realized it was just a fling and that he really loved me...i thought about all the reasons that led him to have this affair in the first place and tried to correct them. I actually blamed myself. but deep inside the hurt was so big still and my self esteem was so much diminished…but I succeeded to make our relationship better and he proposed to me and we were engaged for 2 years..
during the last year of our engagement he had a job assignment out of the country..i got introduced to one of my colleagues at work in a work reception..he seemed interested in me so I told him from the very beginning I’m engaged to someone I really love for a long time.. then it was this day when my husband was talking with me about his exlover and praising her qualities to the extent that he wants his brother to marry her!!! This again made me the feel ache again and for some stupid reason I felt I wanted to revenge…so I started chatting with my colleague at work..it was just e-chatting and kind of flirting but no physical meeting…for some reason his way of talking made me feel satisfied and made me feel I’m wanted bec my husbands old cheat made me feel bad about myself..but I really didn’t like the guy…
so my relationship with this guy kept going and going but on the same level of e-chat, and I lied to this guy and pretended as if I have feelings towards him.. though I didn’t!! I just wanted the talk to go on!! there were a few phone calls but were just talking about work or other stuff but no expression of feelings because I couldn’t lie on the phone..i met him v few times just collecting something from me or just saying hello on the way but we never dated never even sat together in a restaurant!!
Then my wedding date was so close and I wanted to tell my husband about it but was afraid of his reaction and I thought how bad I was doing to both my husband and this guy..so I told my friend at work I’m going on with my marriage and stopped talking with no explanation…I was so cruel to everyone I know.. so pls don’t make it worse on me..but it had to stop someway
The even worse part is that after I got married..i don’t remember when exactly but about 3 months only!! I started talking on the internet again with this guy!! He wanted an explanation to my behavior …I couldn’t tell him the truth just being a coward…I hate myself for how mean I was.. so I kept lying and lying and talked to him for a long time as if I had feelings truly but I cant continue because I’m pregnant!! it was just a lying story.. It was terrible of me..and for some reason I chatted a lot with him..really a lot..because I was so bored bec we lived abroad and i didn’t have friends..and actually my husband was so busy at work that we lacked communication!! Anyway I continued talking to him then I decided it’s too much, I’m doing a terrible thing. .so I stopped completely ..that was last july 2005 as far as I can remember…
Last months he contacted me by mail for my birthday, so I talked a little with him but he started to talk not like a friend so I stopped bec I made a determination that I wont do that rubbish again. .i dont have or had any feelings for that guy so why do that…i just talked with him bec I missed talking with my husband.. even stopping talking to him for more than a year didn’t ever affect me at all!!
Last week I wanted my husband to help me fix my laptop, there happened to b a history for all my msn chat!!! He saw them all..with all my lies to that guy!! And he’s in complete shock…I wasn’t home at the time bec was traveling for a visit to my parents and still am!! My husband is shocked ..i told him everything frankly but he doesn’t seem to believe me..the words he read make him feel terrible…I swore to him that I was lying to the guy but he doesn’t seem to believe me..he says he cant be sure…even if his heart believe it he cant believe his heart anymore!!
I feel terrible I’be been cruel to everyone and I have no excuse…I love my husband so much and even when I tried talking g to someone else for revenge I didn’t love anyone but my husband!! Don’t know what to do to regain his trust!! pls help
I sent email to my colleague telling him to never contact me again and that I never loved anyone but my husband..i sent it to my husband too..but still nothing..my husband cant talk to me…I don’t want to rush his forgiveness bec I want him to realy mean it..but I want to make my best to help him pass this…and help us...i cant stand a minute not talking to him...i love him so much...pls help

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!

1. Purchase and read Surviving an Affair.
2. Find a new hobby to keep from becoming bored enough to chat to amuse yourself.
3. Call the Harley's, founder of this site and schedule an appointment with them. They are excellent counselors, and invite your H to participate. You participate whether your H does or not, and get a plan to combat the damage that's been done.
4. Become completely transparent with your H and give him all your passwords and keep him informed of your actions 24/7.
5. Step up any of the things you have done in the past that have pleased your H, and be thoughtful and loving in doing so. Do NOT expect anything in return. His self-esteem and ego are severly damaged, and he's lost all trust in you. Trust is not a gift, it must be earned, and you must now work on re-earning his trust.

Stay positive and upbeat, and do not cry and beg for him to love you. Make sure he knows you love him, but do not crowd or smother him. It's a delicate balance, but it can be done.

Calling the Harleys is the very best thing to do, and I suggest you waste no time. Counseling is expensive, but a divorce has a higher price, both in $$$ and in personal anguish.

Best wishes

SD

PS...please break you posts into paragraphs so us old folks can read them a little easier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi
first of all thank u very much for going through my very long story (and sorry for the writing)...i really appreciate it talking to someone about this subject
i am talking with my husband everyday about the subject and the talk is almost the same everyday..at the end of the call he seems to believe me that i didnt care about this guy, then the next day he says that it doesnt make sense because of what he read..he memorizes the msn chat very much!! do u think i should try avoid talking about the subject since nothing new is being said..or keep answering him everytime...also i wanted to make some special plans for us for the new year but he said he doesnt want us spend money while we will just fight!! any advice?

first of all thank u very much for going through my very long story (and sorry for the writing)...i really appreciate it talking to someone about this subject
i am talking with my husband everyday about the subject and the talk is almost the same everyday..at the end of the call he seems to believe me that i didnt care about this guy, then the next day he says that it doesnt make sense because of what he read..he memorizes the msn chat very much!! do u think i should try avoid talking about the subject since nothing new is being said..or keep answering him everytime...
also i wanted to make some special plans for us for the new year but he said he doesnt want us spend money while we will just fight!! any advice?

Please keep answering him. I needed to talk about the same stuff over and over again. I read some of my H's e-mails and memorized much of it.

He needs to hear you answer his questions, even if you feel you have covered that territory. If he is like me, you may be covering that territory for months.

It is a big shock to read that kind of stuff, and it is difficult to make it through the stages of grief.
Lake

Thank u for advice..i actually have been answering all the questions, and actually sometimes opening the subject myself..bec i read the chat that my husband read and i found many misunderstanding..for example..my husband thought i'm telling my colleague "i had feelings" though i was saying very obviously in the converstaion and from writing "i had the same feeling"..regarding a subject we were talking about!! my worst word in the msn chat is that i told him " i care about u" actually in a friendly manner...i'm not trying to defend myself, bec i really regret it and admit that it was a big mistake talking to someone without my husband's knowledge regardless how inncoent the talk was ..and it was not that innocent still...but i cannot not defend myself! am i doing something wrong by explaining things to my husband? or do u think it is intimidating?

You may come to understand that when you "defend yourself", you are probably attempting to justify or explain your behavior. My FWH and I have gone through that part of recovery and may be almost finished with that part. Early in recovery, he tried to explain or defend his actions. Now, he is just embarrassed by his actions. He feels he has no excuse and no defense. If you read my thread, you will find that we have discovered that he seems to have an addiction to his high school and college days and the majority of his fantasy life revolves around reliving these days (re-playing baseball games, conversations, activities like dating.)

He has stopped these fantasy behaviors. He substitutes fantasies about us.

I think it is possible that this fantasy life he enjoyed made it easier for him to view his EA with former High school girl friend as simply entertainment.

Like you, he said things that he meant as "innocent" but when you re-read them now and read former girl friend's replies, you can see that it was all inappropriate.

Anyway, I think it is best not to make excuses or defend yourself. I don't view the fantasy life as an excuse for what he did. I just view it as a part of what he was doing that was wayward long before he had the EA.
Lake