"Let SuperMom and her sister, Little Miss I-Can-Change-My-Own-Oil, watch the kids, while SexyFlirty LS and her sister, Little Miss Can-I-Squeeze-Your-Bicep?, deal with WH."

WONDERFUL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm recalling my H repeatedly asking me: "WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL OF THIS NOW WHEN IT'S TOO LATE?" I had to help him see, of course, that I GOT IT (his issues and concerns) and that MARITAL RECOVERY WAS INDEED POSSIBLE. He finally understood by virtue of the PLAN A. PLAN B was necessary to break the addiction. He developed feelings for me AGAIN and knew coming home was the RIGHT THING to do..but he was sooo HOOKED on her and how she made him FEEL....He had to EXPERIENCE PLAN B in order to REALIZE that what she offered was NOT REAL and would not continue to FEEL SO GOOD...

You are an inspiration, Sis..in helping folks continue to believe in the MB system. You certainly validate my confidence in this approach.

Look at the changes in your WH's BEHAVIOR..He's coming in the house now. He's responsive to your affection...Maybe not ON THE FENCE yet.... as stated by Pep.... but definitely CLIMBING ON....

Plus, you caught a GLIMPSE Of your REAL HUSBAND today..that's who you were CRYING OUT TO..YOU SAW HIM..I remember those times...HOW SHOCKING IT WAS..to catch a GLIMPSE OF HIM..within the alien....

Wow...thanks AGAIN everyone for coming to my rescue in a moment of panic. I called MIL, too, scaredy cat that I am, for reassurance. She thought I did perfectly. She also told me that she had spoken to FIL yesterday, and WH had told him that he "didn't trust me." MIL and I agreed that what he doesn't trust is that these changes are REAL. (Apparently he also told FIL about the present...ohhh, man how embarrassing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> MIL laughed and said not to worry). FIL described WH as "in turmoil."

I can take care of the water heater issue tonight..."Honey, I've given it some thought and if you think you can install the water heater, that would be great. I just didn't want to have you do something that would be too big a deal for you. So if you are still willing, I'd really appreciate it."

I think a short, sweet letter would be perfect. Is this too long?

Dear WH,
When you came by on Tuesday to pick up the boys, you asked me what I was doing. Your question took me by surprise, and I don't think that I took the time to really give you the response that you deserve. What I am doing is trying to demonstrate to you the changes that have occurred in me over the past six months. I still have a ways to go, but there is absolutely no going back to the "old" me...even if I wanted to.

This experience has given me the eyes to see the mistakes I made in our marriage. I believe that I now understand your need to be respected, to be admired, and to have greater intimacy and affection. I have always felt these things for you, but I see now how little I expressed those feelings to you in ways that you could appreciate. Now, because of everything I've been through, not only do I feel them much more deeply...but it is simply be impossible for me NOT to express them.

The boys and I need you to be a provider, a father, and the guy who changes the furnace filter without being reduced to tears. *I* need you to be my lover, my best friend, my confidante...my husband in every sense of the word. Please know that it is not to late for us to make a new start; to make a better marriage than we ever had before. I want more than anything to have the opportunity to make that happen.

Love always, me

too long, right? Okay, what goes.

Athanasuis: I actually did squeeze his bicep! I know...I did get your post the other day about not over-thinking it...but it is a tightrope. Fun and flirtatious is great, but ultimately he has to trust ME...to know that this isn't just a show; that the changes are to my core not superficial. How I communicate that is delicate, and I do better when I feel prepared. As I get better at this, it will come more naturally, but right now...out of my element.

Thanks again, all! I feel better.

We were posting at the same time again.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

See, your WH notices your plan A changes, and they are working. You are turning the tide. It will probably take plan B to finish the affair off, but you are setting it up well with you plan A changes.

On a side note, I always chuckle when a WS says they can't trust their BS. Projecting a little, are we?

More simply: "I'm sure you can easily install the water heater" (I know not this flowery but you get the picture <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

journeling assignment

list ways that being a perfectionist have hurt you/others

Just a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

(Snaps heels and salutes.)

So the dude DID look in the gift bag! LOL

All VERY good signs, Sis. And you did great. I really like that you showed "naturally needing him" when he was teaching you the thermostat, your reaction was sincere and HE KNEW IT.

You know how he'll trust your changes? Its by remaining consistent in every encounter you have with him. Every interaction, never EVER waivering. He'll be taking inventory now, and may even test you by intentionally pissing you off. Don't be surprised and don't bite.

Jo

Maybe part of what freaks me out about these "on the fly" interactions is that I'm afraid to be ME. I'm afraid to be authentic.

The thing is, I thought one of the BIG lessons I've learned through all of this is that I don't HAVE to be afraid. What's left to be afraid of (except something happening to one of my boys God forbid)? I've been to the pokey, my husband has left me and filed for divorce, after having had an affair for two years with my "friend." I've been to court, my friends and co-workers all know. I'm in therapy. I've had to ask for HELP!! I have had to admit I can't do it all on my own. So....

WHY THE HE11 SHOULD I BE AFRAID TO BE MYSELF IN FRONT OF THIS MAN? WHY SHOULD I LET MYSELF BE INTIMIDATED? WHY SHOULD I STRESS OVER EVERY LITTLE MOVE, EVERY LITTLE WORD? IF HE DOESN'T LIKE WHO I AM--NOW--THEN HE'S NOT WORTH MY TIME.

I NEED TO BE AUTHENTIC AND TRUE TO THE NEW ME. That will speak everything I need to say or have to say.

I wonder if PERFECTIONISM has anything to do with this fear?

Does the word PERFECTIONISM ring a bell?

Was there an assignment given on this thread?

JUST WONDERING...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You answered your own question, and I agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Think it's tough to give up an almost three year skanky, low-down, back-stabbing RT habit? Try kicking a 38-year perfectionism habit.

2x4 time. Big, big issue for me. HUGE. I'll bring it up in IC (not that he hasn't picked up on that by now...)

(and I do my habit REALLY, REALLY well....perfect, you might say...)

LMAO! Well said.

I know.....

How come you think I relate to you so...

Now I'm FREE...A WILD WOMAN....

WHEE......

38?..a mere child..I made my changes at around 50.

Must be my masculine intuition. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I agree completely. I guess my warning against over-preparation is to help avoid the impression that it's just a show. Spontaneity always seems real.
It's very impressive that you can learn, under fire, to walk this tightrope at all. I have the impression you beat yourself up about the wobbles, but it seems you do need the support and comfort of our reassurances. I'll go back to thinking up funny names for your various semi-autonomous psychological states.

Athanasius

I read through the entire dialogue and had the EXACT same reaction as Mimi. It was ALL good except for the reaction about the water heater. That would have been a PERFECT opportunity to let him know you NEED HIM and to allow him to come back and work on your house, EARNING your praise and admiration.

LilSis, one of the reasons I post to you, is because I RELATE to your independence SO VERY MUCH. And I think Mimi does too because this was one of her issues. It is great to be independent, but not when it makes your H feel unwanted, unneeded and disrespected as a man. I was raised to believe that it was a GREAT SHAME to need a man.[my momma wore combat bats!] And I see this same attitude in you.

I CHEERED when you broke down and told him that you needed him. That is what he needs to hear! So I am most proud of you for allowing him to see that crack. THAT WAS PERFECT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. when we go to Traverse every year we usually fly into GR. Love that little airport there, especially the free wireless!

LilSis, Relax...you done GOOD!

Don't sweat it too much over the waterheater thing. If your WH has done gas work before, he likely knows how to change it out. If he hasn't...well, I'm sorry to disagree with others here, but there could be a danger of gas leaks. You and the boys need to be SAFE!

OK...I've been doing some thinking on the high cost of RT's lifestyle, and how to get that message over to your H.

So...go about ordering some of the catalogs that she shops from...as many different ones as you can think of.

Then, once you have a good collection of them, have them handy when you "happen" to be bagging up the trash right by the back door when WH comes over. Be sure to put those catalogs on top of the trash (maybe sayins something like "I don't know why I thought I could afford this stuff!")...and then go check to see if the boys are ready or something while he stands there and eyeballs the trash.

Chances are that he might remember seeing some of those catalogs at RT's house, but never realized that the stuff in them are expensive.

It's a long shot, but it might plant a seed without you having to say one word about RT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />