one advantage to everything i've been through is that i've got a regualr pharmacy in my bathroom drawer. (see i can still make a joke)

Do i take a xanax and a hot bath and go to bed? read the bible? watch tv? BF and i split most of a bottle of wine over lunch. It was so nice. it really was, just to be with her. but once back on my own...I start spinning again, off kilter.

how pathetic. someone tell me what to do.

Take some time and space.

You do NOT have to put energy into Plan A right now.
Just be quiet and still and think about what you want.

And there is no requirement for you to Plan A longer, its on YOUR schedule -- no one elses.

No one can set your time table except for you. Lil Sis.

Are YOU ready?

Plan B is to protect the love you have for him. If that love is in jeapordy, then it might be the right time.

We can not make that call for you.

so, is that what YOU think is best for YOU?

Be still tonight.

Lick your wounds.

Take care of yourself.

~ Marsh

Personally ---
I'd call up a girlfriend (maybe one of the St Paddy's team??) and go whoop it up. Go dancing. Nothing like some loud music, big crowd, and letting yourself go.
Put the rest of it completely out of your mind, and take some LILSIS time.
Go have some damn fun! (Wish I lived closer!)

lex...that's what mil said. rest. curl up in a warm blanket and BE. open up to God to hear what he wants me to do.

So...bubble bath? go to bed? I am emotionally spent again, but i don't have that exhaustion that i felt last time. this time it's more a paniky feeling. Like i blew it. like it's over and it's my fault. like i did everything wrong.

Well, first off, don't pressure yourself to decide what to do regarding Plans right now.

Are you the type who can lose herself in a book in the tub? Or will the 'thoughts' just keep swirling?

Let me get your letter and post it here in case anyone has any ideas......but don't think you have to decide anything right now.

Please don't put any added pressure on yourself.

That's not true. Might be best to cut the negative self-talk for now because it simply isn't true.

I've decided I'm not going to post that letter. I'm afraid you'd just reread it and cry.

You did not blow it and it is not over and it is most certainly NOT your fault.

Rest.

Be kind to yourself.

Do NOT make any decisions tonight. Do not plan your next encounter with WH, do not rehearse dialogue in your head. Do not beat yourself up.

Take a bubblebath. Put on your jammies. Give yourself a manicure and pedicure and rub all over with your best body lotion.

Then slip between the covers with a good book.

I guaranty you did NOTHING WRONG. Guaranty it.

He's seeing the real you. You're seeing the fake him.
Ignore it. Like I said in my earlier post -- he's going to kick you when you're getting too close. Because he's fought so hard to get as far out as he has. He feels you pulling him back in. And he knows that everytime he kicks you that he's being an ******. He has to live with that. And he does. He thinks about it, and he knows it. And he in turn will take it out on RT (so there's a bright side...hehehe)

I didn't mean that to sound like she had to do it right now - just that she has to be the one that decides - not all of us here.

Lil Sis, if you don't want to see him tomorrow when he brings the boys home, you can always get someone to be there when he brings them and you can be at Target. With or without Plan B that is an option for you.

Nothing wrong with calling a friend and telling them you need them. I would get OUT of the house!
Talk to God tomorrow...

((((LilSis))))

Feel free to keep posting.
We are all here to support you...we've been right where you are. When you are feeling better you may want to let the experts here help you by telling them what happened. No pressure to do that now, just breathe...When you are feeling up to it all the wonderful supporters here will be ready to hold your hand through this..For now, Pray. God can guide you through this. It may not be as bad as you think it is. Just know you have so many people praying for you. Good always overcomes evil. Don't forget that.

Thanks everyone. Can't quite whoop it up tonight...i look like a wreck for one thing, and BF and I probably tapped me out of all my daily allowance of avoidance when we went out for a wonderful lunch. We did talk, but it's not the same as sitting a bawling when you need to bawl.

RS: please post it here and everyone have at it. At least it will be one step further.

At the moment...and i know its this moment that i'm feeling this way and could change...i feel like i can't put any more out there. I wasn't good at taking my own temperature. i always think i can do it all superwoman and all. wrong wrong wrong.

The last straw and i snapped and went off. I told him over and over that i believed in the man at his core, at the man i married, but i can't keep fighting this stranger. and it hurt me so badly to lose that good man to this stranger. that i'm not a quitter and please understand why i have had to fight so hard to keep my promises, to keep the man i married from disappearing, from being consumed by this.

I'm sure to him it sounded nutty. the whole time, he had tears in his eyes. sometimes tears actually fell. a couple of times he actually held me with both arms and let me slobber on his shirt. How pathetic, to him, i'm sure. this woman that he used to admire and respect, and she can't can't can't stop CRYING.

And in the end he let me go. he didn't deny any of it. he didn't give any answers. just "it's not that simple," when i asked why it was okay to inflict such pain on me---who admittedly didn't deserve this--and on his children, and everyone around him...just to pursue his "happiness." i used the fingers to indicate the quotes.

You see how bad i was? it was an FU. to plan a any more would be disingenuous.

I'm certainly no expert here but IMO you just need to take a break from this for a short time. Time for yourself to recharge and get a new perspective. I can't tell you how to do that. But find something just for you away from the stress . If just for the next 24 hours. Go do something just for you, any kind of stress reliever.

It certainly can't hurt and might just help a little.

You will come back and be able to continue when you get a some perspective back...

I am watching and quietly pulling for you...
You have shown a lot of courage through all of this and I know you will continue to still be strong after this little bump in the road.

No, I don't.

~ Marsh

Nope -- you're overanalyzing it and looking for the worst.

When you feel up to it -- post the whole story and we'll help you find the good -- cuz I see good in just the little snippets you've given us.

Its ok to "lose it"....and the blame and guilt went right where they belong. Tears? from him? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A SUCCESS THAT IS!!!!

Thank you all.

A bath it is for now. I have a couple of good very light and distracting books to read (Sisterhood of the traveling pants is one, apparently the book is way better than the movie which i've not seen either.)

Lex you brought me the first half smile with your comment about RT taking the brunt of it.

I'll check back later, okay all? hugs all around. i can feel you, I really can.

Okay, sweetie. Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear WH:

I want you to know that I believe in you. And I want you to know why.

From the moment I first met you…or maybe from the first ride up the chair lift together…I knew you were different. You were like no one I had ever met before. You were everything I ever dreamed of in a partner: someone I could talk to, someone I could relate to, someone who ideals and values matched mine, someone who was intelligent, caring, introspective, and thoughtful, someone I would want to see across the kitchen table after fifty years.

I knew after that first weekend that you were the man that I would marry. You were the one for me. My kindred spirit. I had no doubt. I believed with all my heart in us. And I was right.

Fast forward thirteen years. That belief has been shaken to its very foundation, but—try as we both might—it could not be destroyed. After everything, all of it, the ugliness, the hurt, I have discovered that I still believe in us; more deeply than before. I also know that you do not share that belief right now. My belief is strong enough to withstand your doubt. Withstanding doubt is the definition of belief: faith, conviction, determination, a certainty about what is true in the face of disbelief.

I KNOW you. I know who you are at your core. And because I know you that well, I trust you with my very life. I trust you with my heart and soul, with the lives of our children, with our future. I trust you now more than I did on our wedding day, because that belief has been tested to its very limits, and I have not lost it. I will never believe that you will let me down…not in the end.

Because I believe in you and trust you, I know that ultimately your core will not be compromised. You are who you are. Three years of poor choices, three years of trying to deny your values, your convictions, your ideals, three years of attempting to lock them up and remove them from yourself…it simply cannot be done. I know your core, even if you are blinded to it right now.

I speak from experience, and I want you understand this. I have been where you are now. I have been rejected, cast out, marginalized, stripped down, scrutinized, imprisoned. I was literally and figuratively at the very deepest, darkest bottom. I could go no lower.

But I could not be defeated. Something in me, something at my core…ultimately, it would not let me curl up and die there in the bottom to become bitter, angry, cold. My core would not let me quit, it would not let me give up on myself, on who am. So from that very deepest, darkest bottom, I finally began to scratch and claw my way out. My own grit and determination and belief in myself—and with the love and care of countless people helping me and supporting me—I slowly began to emerge. I didn’t recognize any of it at the time. Only now, looking back at my journey, do I see how it unfolded.

You can do this too. I know it. I believe it. If I can reclaim my SELF from that ugly place, you certainly can. It is a different twist on the same story. Yes, you will need grit and determination, lots of it. You will certainly have the love and care of countless people helping you and supporting you. You can do it. You will do it. I know it, because I know you, I trust you, I believe in you. I love you.

I promised you that I would stand by you always. I promised to love you and care for you and keep you in good times and in bad. I’m quite sure this qualifies as a bad time, but I won’t let this defeat me or make me turn my back on who I am either. I am not a quitter. I have fight and grit and determination. I can withstand your disbelief, I can withstand your anger and resentment, I can withstand the rejection. Because I know, from the bottom of my heart, that is not who you are.

I remember who you are. I will remember for the both of us.

Love always,
me

Of course he didn't deny it or have a reply for you.

He's a wayward.

I didn't see any DJ's, given by you..just honest expressions of your thoughts and feelings.

~ Marsh