sis
(i know i'm not an expert but i hope you read this post carefully because these are some things that i think are important for you right now.)
your thread right now reminds me of how mine was at one point.
people who cared about ME and my desire to save my marriage, with conflicting ideas and thoughts about what was best for me........
i felt trapped in the middle, trying to please everyone and there was no way to do that because their advice contradicted each other.
so i'd make a choice sometimes......"go with my gut" as you've said
and then come here and be afraid to admit what i did because i knew some would critisize me and i'd be afraid no one would support me
i'd give my reasons for what i did but i felt sometimes that no-one was HEARING what i was saying.
and that was hard for me when i believed that this was the one place where i had people who DID UNDERSTAND.
no-one else even thought my marriage was worth saving! so everone here really mattered to me
and then i spent much time second guessing myself.....i still wonder if i had done something differently if things would be different
so when this kept happening, I started calling Jennifer Harley. Some of the things that she suggested where more similar to MY thinking and DIFFERENT than the thinking of many here.
some people were surprised at some of her suggestions because she kept telling me to "put out a hand" to my H and just as in the quote you posted from the book, she helped me to put my feelings and hopes into e-mails to him-sometimes they were short, sometimes longer.
at different times....some people went so far as to question if i understood Jennifer correctly or if i had told her the "entire truth" because they couldn't believe her suggestions to me
but she was recommending thing for ME based upon everything about MY situation.....and she is the expert! she helped write the book.
When i expressed to her that some people here were questioning the advice she gave to me, she told me that she also had wondered if she would be giving me the BEST advice and so before some of my sessions, she had discussed my situation with her father to get his input.
some people here understood that i was going with what was suggested and supported that.....
others here stopped posting to me because they didn't believe in what i was doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> they would only support me if i did exactly what they suggested even if everyone else including jennifer suggested otherwise. in fact, they became rude and argumentative with me and other posters. i'm glad they stopped posting because they were no longer helpful.
just telling you this so you realize it happens. let it go when it does.
did i do what was right? the jury is still out on that. but i did the BEST i could by following the advice of the EXPERT.
you are NOT going to please everyone. Jennifer told me "you have to remember that everyone on the web-site is trying to recommend what they think is best for you because they care about you. But they are no different that you are. They have lived through this and have read posts and are just telling you what they believe is best."
so in my opinion, you're at a point where you need some reinforcement from the harley's
Sis.....the letter has been given....it's something you felt that you had to do.....for you to be at peace with yourself
i wish everyone would let it go, for your sake, because it's already done
lemon once said to me about something i was second guessing or debating with everyone......it's not going to make a big difference to a WS in the big scheme of things....it's like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon (or something like that....and i can't BELIEVE i'm quoting lemon because he and i were seldom in agreement)
i don't think the letter has done any harm....your H did not react negaitively to it
now, move on to a continued plan A.....remembering what i said in my earlier post
we can see that your nearing the end of your ability to have the strenght to continue the wonderful plan A that you've been doing
it's emotionally exhausting...that's why there is a limit to how long anyone should do it
Please allow others here to help you to gage when you should begin to prepare for your plan B
it really helps to have the views of others...i thought that i was doing FINE and could keep going
i STILL wonder if i should have continued my plan A
but there came a point when others saw what i didn't....and ihad to listen to them
i had given all that i could and taken all that i could before i would undo the good i had done and also start to lose some of the love i had for my h because i was getting nothing in return but hurting
i started LOVEBUSTING....i started making choices that were NOT in my best interest
i don't think you are there yet
i don't see that your H is hurting you ON PURPOSE or even being worse than before....he may even be reacting better
but sis....i do see that your hopes are up and you are wanting more....fast...and when you're not getting it....the pain and dissapointment are too much because you are emotionally drained
and that's when you're more prone to let your gaurd down and love bust
you've got to make a plan NOW...so you can keep making the BEST choices to fight this war
the letter.......good idea for YOU and maybe for you H...time may tell us...who knows...but LET IT GO
plan for your next interaction with him
go back and re-read your earlier post....and plan to give him that same kind of plan A attention you had been
light, playful, and powerful
you're a plan A queen around here!
