In order to stay safe, I hope Sis stops reaching out to HIM..stops ASKING HIM questions....

I NEED TO ACCEPT THAT SHE is FRAGILE..I have not seen her that way...

Lexxxy..does your name have anything to do with a car?



Sooo very interesting...My H said that same thing. Mimi: Why were you honest with HER and not ME? Why could you talk TO HER about YOUR FEELINGS and not ME?..because he had said that the OW "SAVED HIM" when he was "DEPRESSED" (MLC)...FWH: (Laughingly) "Why do you assume that I was honest with her or talked to her about my feelings?"... What happened was that he GOT HIGH off of her..however, that works.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



Agreed..I haven't bought in to Sis being sooo FRAGILE...



AGREED..A ZILLIONTH PERCENT!!!

well, i can answer why I continued to ASK questions as if he would answer honestly......it never occured to me that he wouldn't be honest w/ me......even after I uncovered the first lie...i thought i knew everything...why would he feel the need to lie??
I don't operate that way and I didn't think my H did....it took quite awhile for THAT to sink in w/ me. (call me a slow learner)
maybe that is where YOU have an advantage over many of peopel, mimi....YOU seem to have understood early on that your H was a liar and to never expect he might be telling you the truth......or maybe you just forget.

thinking back, It didn't FEEL like DENIAL to me......it feels more like naivete.....It took me awhile to realize that some people (particularly the man i married??) could/would continue to lie to me that way.

I have to agree with MEDC on this. My FWH and I both work at the Police Dept. and the only reason I could make alliances was b/c I work there. Those same people would not have cared one bit what FWH did if they didn't also have a close relationship with me.

And for the most part there were only a couple of people that actually said anything to FWH about it, mostly they would just act like nothing was going on. In their mind supporting us both and not burning bridges with either of us.

Cops stick together b/c alot of them are either doing the same thing to their own spouse, have in the past, or want the safety of knowing they can in the future without one of "their own" turning against them.

Honestly, I know it happens everywhere but it is truly disgusting how much it goes on here. Women literally throw themselves at these officers. We call them badge bunnies. Gross, gross, gross.

However, building alliances with outside friends and family is a great thing.

I had literally everyone's support. The major person being FWH's best friend. He and I never got along and I thought he would be overjoyed at our separation, but it was the complete opposite. He was the only person that my FWH actually even came close to listening to.

Lex: I know you and I have been at loggerheads before so your words mean a great deal to me...

The words of EVERYONE here mean a great deal to me. Every SINGLE poster, even if I do not respond personally.

I'm just taking a breather is all...I have a weekend coming up and typically they are difficult for me without work to keep me grounded and my day structured.

So I am going to structure my days around a couple of Lenten devotionals that I have acquired...one from Mass the other day and one from a co-worker who picked up a good one at an evening service on Ash Wednesday. Both give some "actions" for the day and scripture passages to consider. I want to get back to that and feel the peace and strength of God's love that I had been feeling so strongly before.

cc1: I thought of that looking for that fear thread, too. I have read it before, but you know how things take on different meanings at different points in this journey....?

mimi: I just need to step back. I just can't keep this pace up. I am tired. I want to get centered. My MIL and my therapist both see this and hear this. I trust their advice as they know me so very well.

One of the difficulties that I have had on MB is the conflicting advice and sorting through it. As much as SH will be helpful, I really need--for MYSELF--to listen to those two voices right now. SH will be an invaluable resource for direction on marital recovery...right now I want to focus for a few days on PERSONAL recovery, and MIL and my therapist are the best advisors on that, IMO.

In terms of WH...which I experience as a different issue than MY OWN present state of mind and needing to take care of myself...I am not necessarily putting credence in what WH says to his mom. I was only sharing what she related to me in our conversation.

Maybe there is some denial there...but I am not in a place to even recognize it. I feel as if I have been running madly from one emotion to the next, trying so hard, trying to control things that are outside of my control. I am not feeling connected to myself or to God. I need to deal with THAT before I begin to reflect on how much denial I am experiencing or on next steps with WH.

I hope this makes sense to you.

Nia:

It took me awhile..BUT..

People HERE definitely were HARD on me...

I kept getting 2X4s...

And I FINALLY LISTENED...

My H tells me NOW that he actually PRACTICED TELLING LIES..PRETENDING to himself that what he was saying was true..YUCK...

He probably could have won an ACADEMY AWARD...he was soooo convincing...

I decided not to believe anything he said...

LilSis:

Please, Please, Please, follow up with SH.

Your low energy, your inability to continue this fight?

Because the enemy has a script, but no rules.

You must fight through this.

The energy will come to you from the solid advice that SH can give you.

Your not posting the blow by blow encounters now, and that's ok.

But your H has noticed the change.

Please call SH and get that time with him.

As I said all along, I think you are winning. And will win.

But your H has to make a choice. You have made it easy for him to say yes to that choice. But it is up to him.

I can only post to you, SH can talk with you. Your MIL can talk with you.

Be STILL, but dial the phone.

And MIMI is posting some of her most desperate posts now, letting you know that as strong as MIMI is now, she was in the same dark places that you are now. AND recovered her M. Her H made the choice. From the depths of all this, he made the choice. Just like yours can.

Please just call SH. Ignore everything else in this post, but please, do that.

(((LS)))

LG

I'll share this...

From the very start, Steve made it clear that he was helping ME with PERSONAL RECOVERY...

He told me to focus on MY PLAN..from our very first conversation that's what he called it..he said YOUR PLAN wiil be the answer for you..and when I called him back he would start with: "How's YOUR PLAN going?"..He never called it PLAN A...He gave me SPECIFICS on MY PLAN from start to finish. MY PLAN included work on my parenting and other things not DIRECTLY related to my interactions with my H...

I only had ONE session with Steve during RECOVERY when he clued me in on an IMPENDING FALSE RECOVERY AGAIN...

So..I have an entirely different perspective on Steve....maybe you guys didn't click like I did with him....

Just a quick reply to this because I meant to second MEDC as well. The PD is a whole different environment. The relationships I have with WH's work friends are through him only....any overtures on my part would (I know this...trust me) be viewed as manipulative. Cops are a cynical bunch.

ALSO...this is very significant and probably not understood outside the LE community....they have to "have each other's backs." One cop who works the same shift/patrol area as WH came to see me in jail. He was SO broken up about it...and told me he was sickened by WH's behavior, BUT...he has "to work with him and know that he has my back."

Sis,

There are two things that SH had me say to my WH (when he was still very much W), that clicked and made him think, and that he still talks about:

One was:
"Wouldn't the IDEAL situation be to be in love with your WIFE?"

And the other:
"It IS possible, you (or "we") just don't know HOW. I know someone who can help us with the HOW. Would you talk to him about what exactly it would take?"

It was in response to my WH saying that it just wasn't possible, too hard, too much had happened. Just like what your WH said.

Thought those lines might be able to help you, and your MIL might be abe to use them, too. Just a thought.

I also want to ask your H if he plans on taking the knife out or if you will have to be dead first (refering to the Private Ryan stroy) .... but that's just my snippy comment that I wanted to make to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there.
-AmI.

I finally got to that point too.......Didn't to believe anything he said.
it was very sad.....because it was after HE decided he wanted to work on the relationship and it caused a new set of problems.

I THINK LS might be thinking.....why would he lie to me now??....I KNOW about the affair?? He has already filed for divorce....what is left to lie about???

sometimes the 2x4's feel like nothing but another blow to the head when you don't understand what you are getting hit for. Do you remember feeling like that?

Nia,

I believed every word out of my FWH's mouth when it came to the A. So you are not alone there. I believed many of the hateful, negative things he said at first about our M and whether or not we would/could reconcile. But the more he spewed the more I came to realize that he wasn't trying to convince me or anyone else, he was trying to convince himself.

As soon as I learned how to protect myself from those words I had the "power" so to speak. It gave me confidence, just the other day my FWH told me that confidence is part of what brought him home. That's what got through to him, that's what made me so attractive to him again.

I've told LilSis this before but I would actually see FWH as an alien when he would start spewing that awful stuff. Then it got to the point that I could actually tune him out. While he was talking all I felt was sympathy for him b/c all I saw was a broken and very confused man. That's what I would think about while he was talking. I remember actually saying to myself, "poor baby, he's in so much turmoil right now". Everyone has to find their own way of deflecting the crap that comes out of a WS's mouth.

LilSis,

I think your interaction went well. If stepping back a little bit is what you feel you need to do then I support you.

I never talke dto Steve...but I have read enough from people who have and I would also urge LS to call him again as soon as she is up to it.
I think he will able to help he rw/ the clarity she is seeking right now.

Hi... it's me - carnation, changing ISP and screen name - again

Dear Heavenly Father :

Please continue to look down on our little angel Sis and give her guidance and peace at this difficult time in her life. Dear God, let our angel Sis, feel the love and support of the hundreds of arms wrapped around her. Envelope her in Your and our love.

Exactly.

YES...MY H HAD SAID THE EXACT SAME THING..ABOUT THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF MY CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF!! WOW!! Actually used the word "ATTRACTIVE"... It's the sense of PERSONAL POWER I gained and still maintain from WORKING THOSE PLANS....



EXACTLY!! EXACTLY!!

Daze, you and I are definitely on the SAME PAGE with this...

Threadjack:

I wanted to say thanks Mimi for reading my thread. I just needed to get those words out to someone I knew would understand. Doing much better today.

nia, Daze, mimi:
How nia describes it IS how I feel. Add to "what's left to lie about?"...why would he be lying when he's saying hurtful stuff anyway?

I need to develop that plexiglass shell to divert the poison darts. Not there yet, but that requires some strength that I don't have at the moment. Ideally, it would be getting to Daze's point..."oh, poor baby, he's in turmoil." That's a position of strength.

AmI: so did you get your WH (while he was VERY W) to talk to SH?

I REALLY, REALLY THINK IT'S ESSENTIAL TO REALLY SEE THE WAYWARD SPOUSE FOR WHOM IT IS...ALIEN BEING...AND FINDING A WAY TO GUARD YOURSELF AGAINST THE ALIEN...AND TO KEEP ON GOING...SORT OF LIKE AN ARMORED TANK....

ALL this makes perfect sense....but, not all the advice that LS got on this board gave her confidence.....the whole panty thing turned into a fiasco.....that's why she needs clarity.
there has been so much contradiction here.
She needs to understand herself and what works for her.
so she can feel confident......not like she's out of her element.

Come on, Nia...

CONTRADICTION IS A PART OF LIFE...

I believe that Sis can handle CONTRADICTION...

I'm not willing to see her as being that fragile or inadequate...

This is me saying that I have confidence in her...