I'm not sure with the talk of dropping plan A for now.

A NC letter could be sent.

I wouldn't send a FU letter thought. It will end up tit for tat I think. Why keep "talking" to the OM at all?

Let it go and live with the truth (if true) that you and your wife knows. The OMs lies will catch up with him one day.

Don't do anything until you hear from others here though.

How long has your wife been drinking?

How long since this EA ended, rb?

And M2L, Plan A is not something that is used in a marriage with an active addiction. It is impossible to meet the needs of an active alcoholic so it is not recommended. Rather, all the focus needs to be on recovery from the addiction before he can begin to work on the marriage.

ML,

that is why I told Rock to wait for others, I don't knwo the path for this, but I'm learning by staying around this thread.

[quote]How long since this EA ended, rb?

The EA ended 03/06, the D-Day on that was about 11/06.

So here's where I'm at. Let's see, my W is here, all the EAs and PAs are over. I'm sure that she's sorry and regrets it all. I guess now it's just up to me to deal with things and get over it. Try to rebuild I guess. I'm really down today. It just seems like nothing will ever be very good again. She is trying. I just think that maybe I'm expecting too much from her. I don't know. Maybe I should just try and let it all go. I'm so sick of being depressed. I'm sick of waking up to this crap every morning. Oh well, sorry for the vent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You are expecting too much from her too fast. I know you want things to be fixed right away, but they didn't fall apart overnight, and it will take longer than that to fix them. Don't be depressed. You are working things out with your W. So many other people here wish they had that chance. My WW broke NC again yesterday. I'm not depressed. Plan A only works 15% of the time. Be very thankful that she ended her A without plan B. So many other people here are going through much worse. You can keep yourself from feeling depressed. It has very little to do with your situation. Stop feeling like the victim. You need to own your emotions and control them, not the other way around. That is how waywards operate. They let their emotions dictate their actions. Not you. Alright, you are going to get through this, and the better attitude you have, the quicker and better things will go during your recovery process. No one wants to be with a depressed person. My WW is depressed right now, and it is such a drag. You'll be just fine. Okay?

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that I actually am pretty fortunate. I read a lot of the other posts on these boards and I am just amazed at the things that other BSs are going through. I have to keep realizing how lucky I am (as far as this crap goes) to be in a position where I know that eventually things will get better. I know that I am expecting things way too soon from her. Right now I am battling with my own thoughts and depression. I am my own worst enemy right now. Thanks.

Well,here I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself again. The night sucks. I just finished watching a movie with my w. She did give me an unfinished note today,so I guess that was kinda good. She wrote it the morning after I confronted her about her drinking again. It says:
Hi,I want to apologize for last night. I was being defensive because I was caught doing something stupid yet again. You are right about everything. I am sorry for adding more stress to an already overly stressed life.
I am just not coping well with everything. It seems like there are problems with every aspect of my life right now: marriage, finances,work, kids.....it never ends.
I have this vision in my head of this perfect life that I want to have, but it is so hard to achieve. I don't know why I am such a loser. I don't know why I have turned into this person or have the feelings that I have at times. I have no answers. The only thing I know is I can't continue like this.
Counseling....how would I fit that into my busy schedule? Will it really help? I am sorry that I have put you and our family through all this. It is all my fault.

That's as far as she got. What do you think?

It sounds sincere and promising to me. She needs to understand that when she stops drinking, she won't feel like this anymore.

Well, I almost feel bad for posting because I know that a lot people's situations here are much worse than mine. I just feel like posting now and then to just let some stuff out.
I really don't know which stage I/we are in right now. It's just a let's not talk about it stage I guess. Someone asked me if my w was showing any remorse and I had to actually think about it. There were maybe a couple times where she really showed any, but overall she wants to just sweep it all under the rug. MAybe I'm still expecting too much.
She doesn't show much affection either. Again, maybe I'm expecting too much. It's just hard to think about all the attention that the OM got and I don't get any.
I remember reading someones post here that said that we, the BS, get the crumbs where as the OM or WS got the buffet, or something like that. That seems so true.
Well, that's all for now.I'm still hangin' in there.

Have you gone to Alanon yet?

Not yet. There hasn't been any incidents since the last time. I think I might be in denial or something.

Yep, I think you might be. How long has your wife been drinking? How many alcohol related incidents have there been?

First of all let me say that I don't even drink alcohol. I never have. So I'm not too knowledgeable about how much accessive drinking really is. My wife would drink about 1/3 of a bottle of wine almost nightly starting about a year ago and lasting until about a couple months ago. Then she started on this rum and coke habit.
I don't know why, but that seemed to bother me a little more. I let her know that she was starting to scare me. It wasn't just on the weekends either, it would be during the week. I told her that I didn't think it was normal.
Then she started hiding the bottles and I would start finding them. She would always say that this is it, this is the last one. But it never was. Usually she would dump them and apologize the next mornng to me. I told her that I was dissapointed that she couldn't stop for me.
Then when I finally got her to see our family doctor she asked my wife about it and told my wife that she was a recovering alcoholic herself and gave my wife a list of aa meetings that she goes to and thought might help my wife. I was feeling pretty confident.
Then last Monday I asked my wife if we (my family) could go up to see my mother in the hospital. She said sure. Well, that night we were going toleave when my wife told me that she wasn't feeling very well and wanted to stay home. I said sure and took our two DDs with me.
When I came home...........I think I posted this already. So I guess I won't tell it again. There hasn't been any drinking that I'm, aware of since that night.

Don't be disappointed that she couldn't stop drinking for you. She absolutely can't. Once she admits that she has no control, she will be on her way to recovery. That is the first step in AA.

I urge you to go to Alanon. You will feel so much better to be doing something for your family.

I will. I did find one close by and checked out their schedule. Should I tell her that I'm going or not?

Sure, tell her you are going and then go. If you don't hit it off with one group, try another. Alanon is really helpful, for YOU.

God, I want to see some progress. Maybe I am expecting too much. This would be so much easier if she would help me. I mean things are good. She just seems to want to sweep everything under the rug and move on I guess. I am still in Plan A. It's just so frustrating. Sorry, just a little vent.

Well, it feels like I’m adrift in the middle of the ocean, just floating around.
First of all let me say that I know there are a bunch of people here whose situations are a lot worse than mine. I pray that everyone here the best with their marriages.
My situation is so dang frustrating. I am still trying to Plan A. Call it Plan A if you want I guess, I just call it me trying to be a better person. I’m not sure that I’m having much of an effect though. It’s been about 4 months since D-day. I don’t know if it’s fog or what that she’s in. She seems in a more cheerful mood lately and that’s good I suppose. I am just looking for some attention. To her it just seems like nothing happened. I am dealing with 2 EA’s and 1 EA/PA that all happened in the past year and a half.
She is treating me pretty good I guess, and maybe I am expecting a little too much too soon. I figure that I have to get her to fall back in love with me again. That sucks. Doesn’t she know that she could help me heal if she would just tell me that she loves me now and then, or give me a call to just tell me that she’s thinking of me? Occasionally she will give me a wink or something and I grasp it as a little nugget of hope. It makes my day. I’m pathetic.
I was a WH 12 years ago and I think that I compare a lot of how I felt back then to how she is doing things now. Maybe it’s not fair because people handle things differently. Maybe that is selfish of me to compare each other. I know that when I got busted, I wrote her notes, I sent her flowers, I stopped by her work, I made her tapes with “our” songs on it. She told me that those things helped her get through the pain of my A. I am getting nothing.
To her I think she just wants to sweep things under the rug and move on. I can’t do that. Should I bring up MC? I remember reading somewhere here that I shouldn’t force that. It should be the WW decision.
Like I said earlier, I know there’s some here with a lot more troubles than I have. I’m not sure how they can handle it. I feel so sorry for them, and I feel like I have no reason to be down.
I also read about WS who are full of remorse and want to heal their marriages. I envy the BS that have a WS who wants to work on their marriage.
I guess I’m just down lately and need a little booster shot of hope.
Thanks for reading my little pity party.
Rock

M2L you out there?