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#1797055 12/26/06 02:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
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Where do I start???

I married the love of my life when I was 17 years old. He was 24 years old. This was a little over eight years ago. We have three beautiful children together - ages 6, 4, and 1. Things have always been rocky but there was more good than bad, so we've always managed to survive.

Over the past couple of years things have been changing dramatically. My husband, at one time, use to cherish me. He would bring me flowers, or even pick flowers if we were broke. He left me love notes or would write 'I love you' on a steamy bathroom mirror. He bought me little gifts, just because. It seems like all of this has disappeared. I'm left wondering, what did I do so wrong that I no longer deserve to be loved? I've had three kids - perhaps it's because I've gotten fat. Or I'm just not as attractive as I once was. No matter, I tolerated this despite the pain.

I suffered from depression for a long time. Until I finally got fed up and made up my mind to be happy. I wasn't going to depend on him for my happiness. I was going to make myself HAPPY. I started making friends, and going out. I'm always busy and always have plans. I went back to school and set a goal for myself. I'm proud to say, I haven't been depressed for about a year now. Medication free.

The irony is, our marriage has gotten worse!! I don't know if he jealous that I don't need him or envious because I'm doing something with my life or what the deal is. We fight all the time. I don't tolerate his treatment of me and will call him out on it everytime. We're becomming further and further apart, I almost feel like we're strangers. He's just a roommate to me. I don't know him. He doesn't know me. He sits on the couch and watches TV/movies and I'm usually busy with the house or kids or with one of my friends.

I've become very frustrated because of his lack of involvement with us. He goes to work; sleeps; watches TV and does the minimum to be involved with us. Furthermore, he isn't taking care of us financially either. We're about to lose our house, our car, his family is having to pay our utilities and a local church as had to bring us food. This has made me lose a ton of respectfor him.

A month ago he lost his job. He quit his job but no matter, he wasn't making any money anyway. I told him he should get a temp job for the three weeks between jobs. He had a job lined up to start on the 18th. I suggested stocking at the local grocery stores or a temp job. SOMETHING but nothing. He took those three weeks and used them as a vacation. Not even doing ANYTHING around the house that needed to be done. He slept until noon or later almost every single day. He would sit on the couch and watch TV all day long. With every passing day, I became more and more angry, resentful and bitter. Towards the end of the three weeks, I resorted to pulling the window coverings off and screaming at him while he was in bed. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

In the midst of our fighting, I threatened to cheat on him. I even went as far as contacting an old friend on myspace. I just msg'd him saying 'call me at ...". He did call but I didn't answer. Nor did I ever call him back. I was desperate to send him a warning... 'if you do not change your ways, I will leave and I can get someone else in a heartbeat'.

Of course now, he thinks I am cheating. In eight years I've been faithful to him. I've only been with him. I've never been with another man. I've been very lonely, and sad, and my needs have NOT been met - the temptation has been there to have my needs met. To have a man tell me I am pretty, that I am wanted, that I am special. To have some attention from a man. Yet, I've kept busy and remained loyal to a man that truly doesn't cherish me.

Seven days ago, we were fighting. I got up in his face, yelling, telling him to PLEASE LEAVE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. LEAVE!!!!! I cannot take it anymore. I left to go to a friends house (with my kids). We came home and his bags were packed. His parents came to pick him up. I felt so much relief.

The next morning I expected to wake up sad, lonely and missing him. I woke up feeling relief. I went about my day, happy, content, positive. It felt wonderful. The same for day three and four and five.

Yesterday was Christmas. I felt very sad. I miss having 'someone' but not neccessarily him. I ended up breaking down after all the kids were in bed. I cried, and cried, and cried. I told myself it's okay to cry. I can miss him. I've been with him for eight years, of course I miss him. But I remind myself that I felt lonely even when he was sitting next to me. So I don't need him back. Havign him come back will not make my sadness go away.

I called him last night, and was crying so hard I hung up. I couldn't talk to him. So text msg'd him. He says he loves me, misses me, he's sorry - but his words are empty. He's said it before but never changes. What's going to be different this time?

I am making arrnagements to go into transitional housing through a local church. I am planning on leaving. Yet my heart is breaking. I'm torn. I want to make it work, but how many times do we 'try again' before we give up? How many times do I put trust in his words, only to be let down? When is enough, enough?

I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there an easy way to grieve and get through this? How do I handle the emotions I'm feeling? What do I do with my loneliness? I'm lost and in pain.


Married: 10/17/98 Age: 25 DH: 33 DD 6, DD 4, DS 1
Joined: Sep 2004
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could say it will all pass soon, but only time will tell. I was hoping some of the veterans would come around and offer you some sage advice, but see no one has yet.

I'm here to tell you to hang in there and hopefully one of the veterans will be by soon.

The only thing I can tell you to fight the lonliness is to get involved...get out and do something, anything. Take a walk, play with the kids outside of the house (unless you've got 5 feet of snow, then build snow tunnels)...go to a bookstore and just browse. Go to the mall and people watch...just get out and do something. Dealing with the emotions will be easier once you get a hold on the loneliness, IMO...take care.


diamondsj

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DD 9
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Wow, B18...

Am I hearing you correctly? You screamed and threw your husband out of the house because he doesn't make you feel something? Cherished? Loved?

You abused your husband...screaming at him...and he's exhibiting all signs of depression...which you know well.

He's the father of your children, the one you vowed to be with in good times and bad, richer and poorer, growing together, all the days of your lives...

Until you get angry, fed up?

Am I understanding your post correctly?

You're going to decimate a marriage, a family, because of what you feel...tell me, did you decide this calmly, equitably...after reading a lot of books on marriage and relationships? After two years of marital counseling (MC) and a year of individual counseling (IC)?

Dr. Harley recommends even divorce be POJA'd...lots of work and study involved in understanding before taking action.

What you did was to react...not act.

Humans create resentment in themselves...others cannot make you feel, think, believe or perceive anything. You do. That's within your control...not theirs. No one can cause, control or cure you...only you can. Your human power. And in balance, neither can you cause, control or cure others. That's your human limit.

Your DH can be loving you with every molecule--that doesn't mean you'll be able to feel it...have you read Chapman's "Five Languages of Love"? How about "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix?

All of Harley's books explaining how relationships work...and don't?

And you DJ (disrespectfully judge) your H and then blame him for what YOU did? What did you do so wrong you don't deserve to be loved? Who says you aren't? Who says what you feel is THE TRUTH instead of YOUR TRUTH?

Wanna talk about your belief that we EARN love? Therefore, we earn punishment? You can change that belief, which will change your life, your marriage and you as a mother.

You are brimming in resentment...steeped in it...and so will your children be...you're rearing resenters...which is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. When you yell, your children resent you...and they are being abused by you...wanna change for real? Or just MAKE someone else change you, how you feel?

C'mon, B18...you're smarter, tougher and more enduring that this post...you beat depression...anger turned inward...now it sounds like the boomerang response...anger turned outward...entitlement fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Both are miserable ways to live.

Come to the middle ground, B18. You're in no shape to make this life changing, family decimating decision right now...it's uninformed and distorted...why not research, understand, be safe to know and be known, before you launch yourself out there, replacing your H with others, in your mind or in real life? You'll have the same problems...you are the same person...you'll be attracted to the same person as your H is...and you'll be shocked in three years or four, when you're right back where you started from (right now) and feel as unloved, dissolved and in as much pain...only more...because you can't go back in time and learn what needs to be learned before you act...

Please read and post...learn you're not alone. So many of us had your mindset...and came here...big kudos for searching for knowledge...now take it in...all of it. Read all the articles here...get "His Needs, Her Needs", "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", "Surviving an Affair", "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" all by Harley...get them from the library...

Do the Emotional Needs (ENs) questionnaires with your H...and the Love Busters (LBs) one...do the Recreational Companionship Inventory later...put your marriage as your top priority and your life can thrive...I promise.

I believe you can have a thriving marriage with your H...without a doubt in my mind. All it depends on is you knowing your own power and limits and learning a whole lot more...not on him...what he does...takes you respecting his choices to do and to not do...by finding all your choices, even the tiniest, matter greatly.

LA

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I don't believe for one minute that my actions were acceptable either. This being said, he's yelled and screamed as well. He woke me up at 3:30 in the morning, only a few nights prior, yelling at me to the point that I left the house and slept in my car, just to get away from him harassment. We did marriage counselling and I felt like it was pointless. The person never really gave us good advice. We just argued in front of her and she would turn around and say 'so what do you think about what he/she just said'? We quit the counselling. I've done individual counselling and willing to do it again. He doesn't feel he needs that for himself. I've read books, many, many books. He doesn't read any. I've researched on the inet and e-mailed him good articals. I've written heartfelt letters expressing how he is making me feel. Nothing changes. He doesn't change. He'll try for a few days and then go right back to the same old behaviors.

How does one live in this envirorment and not be affected by it? How can a husband neglect his wife, in so many ways, and it not make me bitter, resentful, and hurt??? This is a sincere question. I would love to NOT feel resent or hurt, but I just don't see how that is possible for as long as he continues to neglect me and hurt me.


Married: 10/17/98 Age: 25 DH: 33 DD 6, DD 4, DS 1
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Gee, I'm not as nice as LA. I would see an attorney and file for child support.

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Hi B 18
You are doing a very good job considering the harsh conditions you face. In my opinion as a man, he is not changing because he thinks he can come back without making real changes. From experience I can tell you he has to feel the panic of realizing he can't come back before he will really change. And when he is feeling that pain, keep him there till you see real changes, not just words, he has to prove he has changed. If he will not make real changes for you, like be a loving, resposible partner and father, move on because that is what you diserve. If he is trying, he will make mistakes, but he has to get right back on the horse and make it up to you for that mistake, as well as, his improved duties. He has to show he has done research on what it means to be a good parnter and friend. I'm there right now, ready, but I don't know if I will get a another chance myself with my wife.

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Maybe you both need separation and space at this point. A separation is a "call" for changes in a marriage. You show people how to treat you and you showed him by leaving but you were obviously also a part of the fighting and cycle of this marriage.

I think a man's ego is all too tied up in his job status. If your husband didn't like his job and was laid off likely he was experiencing a lack of self worth, and his self esteem was low. That you continued to hammer on him sent him further down the road of depression. I think it's sad but in our society men are judged by the money they make and the titles they hold. A man without a job often has relationship problems.

Dr. Phil once said that if couples go back to relationships that had so many problems without counseling or changes they'll go back to what was... There's a good book Hope for the Separated, it's Christian but has a lot of ideas. There's another book on Controlled Separation about how to deal with these issues you are facing. But if your ex doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants to magically get back together you have a problem... perhaps he needs more time and space alone to realize that indeed by separating you are saying "no more" to your past way of relating? In my experience men have much thicker skulls then us so you might have to leave him alone with himself longer then you think - with little communication - or less then what you are doing now so he'll "wake up."

Many preachers think that a good marriage begins with the man - that men should cherish their wives and then their wives will flourish. Of course usually it takes two to mess up a marriage - but it does seem that today there are few strong men, few really strong husbands with values. My husband did the same to me before I left him - sat in the basement night after night watchiing tv, left me alone with a baby, ignored me, treated me with disdain - and I left him two years ago. Rather then looking at himself, he blamed me for everything and I'd had hope that he'd change for the sake of our marriage and our boy. This is a macho society where many men resist even basic self evaluation and change. I've been very disappointed but I married someone who'd already been divorced twice so obviously he's refused to grow up or look at himself over and over again.

Time will tell in your case. Many men in the face of change will simply move on as sometimes that's easier then changing for their separated wife. Others will change and will do the work necessary to make a marriage work. Just read the endless posts of "real men" on this site who are trying to learn and grow. But don't think that only he has to make changes, while you are separated you can continue down the path you are going - read, study and learn to communicate differently. Exercise, eat right, get support and trudge through this mess.


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