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wildhorses74 #1797583 01/30/07 05:26 PM
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oKay I am in this same boat now, and I have my own opinions to share with you...

Flipping the kids during the week which seems to be balance for the parents sucks for the kids, my daughter's have been doing a M-W dinner time with the non custodial parent for the past 3 weeks since our court order 50/50. Since then girls have left homework at grandma's when WW couldn't pick the kids up and grandma did, so in that one day, the kids transitioned 3 times. From school to MIL, to mine, to WW.

You also have to wonder if he is doing this for court, and you also have to be careful home you frame your response so its not used by him on you in court.

Does he get them every other weekend? I would think each week on Wednesday is fair because the kids have the rest of the week to be kids, everytime the kids transistion they go through trauma/drama

So in NC, the no overnights was standard in our court order custody.

I hate to say this but don't advise him about how to be a parent, if he has the kids they need to do their homework, treat him as an equal parent.... If your kids grades go down the next semester you can use that to your benefit. Make sure you have regular documented conferences with your kids teacher's

vikingruler #1797584 01/30/07 05:55 PM
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Thanks for your opinions, vikingruler

My plan is to only give one evening a week with him, on Mondays, until otherwise set by the court. He will pick them up afterschool or make arrangments for them to go somewhere and then he can bring them home at 6 or I will pick them up after work at 5:10. I live about 20 miles out of town and don't think I should have to wait around in town for him to get done or have to come back into town.

I see your point about the homework and not telling him what to do. But DD13 already struggles with homework and by watching her grades fall and then doing something about it.....is too much for her. If said it this once to him and now I'll let it go. DD13 is also responsible for getting her homework done.

Every other weekend is not set up yet...though, I would be willing to as long as they were not in contact with OW. He has not asked for that.

I do wonder if he is doing this for the court....and how to respond the "right" way. In his email he sounded all concerned and willing to do whatever it took for the DDs, but where was all this concern and willingness since D-day? Just now he is starting to play the role a concerned parent. He was never concerned about sports, school, etc. I took care of all of that...he showed up when it was convenient.

I do have to admit that this email thing is a pain...easier than directly to each other. Some of what he says really gets to me and I want to rebut everthing...just like the "a set schedule would give stability to the kids". I have been trying for months to get him to do this! And NOW he is all concerned about their stability. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The following is my response to him, probably not handled correctly but it is what it is:

Wednesday, January 31, 2007. - WH picks DDs up from school at 2:45pm, does homework and dinner, and he brings them home at 7:00pm. Non-negotiable, if he doesn't bring them home at 7:00pm, they don't go. This must be confirmed by 9:30pm, tonight, 01/30/07. He may either call you or he can tell DDs that he agrees to this.

WH: [color:"blue"] For the days I have them after school, I will let the girls know whether I am picking them up or if they are walking to my mother's or elsewhere.

This schedule to start Monday, Feb 5th and go through the end of the school year to begin again the following school year.

The times are 2:45pm to 6:00pm Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
[/color]


The weekday schedule can start Monday, Feb 5th, 2007, but only for Mondays from 2:45pm-6:00pm and only until a court order is determined. If they are with him until 6, he must feed them dinner and he must bring them home. If he needs me to pick them up, I will do so at 5:10pm, not 6:00pm. Again, non-negotiable, if he can't bring them home or he doesn't want me to do it at 5:10pm, they don't go.

wildhorses74 #1797585 01/30/07 06:12 PM
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I tried to stick with just the facts. But it looks kinda bit++y when I reread it, but I don't know how to not have it sound that way and still stick to the facts.

My mother sent WH back an email trying to explain to him why I needed to do it this way and asking him to understand how devastating this whole situation was for me.

This whole scenario doesn't sound very Plan Bish...I'll have to work out the kinks. His email just made me mad all over again. I'll have to talk to my mother about weeding out the "extra" bs or figure out a different way to handle this. Grrrr...I thought Plan B was QUIET!

Please offer suggestions (and I'm expecting 2x4s over my email back to him). I just don't know where the heck he gets off being gone for months (even prior to D-day) and then comes back now telling me what the schedule is going to be "for DDs stability". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

wildhorses74 #1797586 01/30/07 06:23 PM
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I understand your dilemna. I had a very similar set up. My best friend WAS handling communications between us, and acting as general intermediary, but found it too traumatizing; she felt awkward. I had no choice but to let her GO. So, Now, I have no intermediary. I'd like to see what others suggest here. I don't really have much of a choice when it comes to this; I've already exhausted two intermediaries.

Hmmmm, if your mother filters out emotion as it's being transferred to your WH, then I don't see a problem with what you stated. She could just say that DD's schedule will be such...If there are REAL problems with this, please iron them out this evening. I wouldn't mention what they should do while with him. Honestly, just tell your DD's what their responsibilities are on those days, and let them be responsible for them.

I think just tell him that he may have them Mondays from this time to that, then they are to be driven home. That's it. He's a grown man and can fend for himself.

In a perfect world, where supportive friends and family are oozing from the woodwork, I would say Plan B can be very Dark; for me, it has been MOSTLY dark. I don't really have a way around that right now. Honestly, I totally get the concept, but maybe need to talk to one of the Harleys for my particular sitch. Really, for me, emails are just the facts.


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
silentlucidity #1797587 01/31/07 11:28 AM
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I broke Plan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I did it. Questioning myself the whole time whether I should or not and making excuses as to why it was necessary.

After reading and rereading and rereading the emails between him and I yesterday, I felt like I didn't handle it very well and that I told him how it was going to be whether he liked it or not. And I probably shouldn't have done that...although that is what it felt like he was doing to me too. I felt like I needed to let him know that I was not trying to be difficult and I did see the importance of DDs spending time with their dad. I'm not sure whether it was worth it or not, WH was a jerk.

We did get a schedule worked out....different than what either of us had said via email yesterday. I didn't give him all he wanted but more than I had initially said.

He'll have DDs two evenings a week, Mon & Thurs after school until 7:30. We had a bit of a disagreement over overnight stays with him...he would not confirm that they would not stay at his house when OW was there. I don't think he was actually going to do it but he wouldn't tell me he wasn't. So... no overnights scheduled until decided by the D. I would be willing for that to happen if he were to ask for them and make arrangements so they would not be around OW.

He then asked whether I was going to be involved when he started phasing in OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What?! Like I'm going to stand there and introduce them all? I don't think so! I told him, no, I would not be involved. As far as I'm concerned it will never ever be ok. He asked if I at least wanted to know when he was going to do it. I said yes, but I do not agree with it.

When we were talking about the schedule for DDs. He said he thought that whoever wanted them had to come get them from the other parent. So when he wants them after school he will go pick them up...if I want them back, I have to come pick them up from him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Supposedly, he doesn't have enough money for gas to bring them home. Boo hoo He should have money, he's not supporting his kids. I have to admit to a LB here....I told him as the "visiting" parent, he needed to figure out the transportation. I would be willing to help at times but not always have to go pick them up from him. He didn't like the visiting parent comment, but it's true.

I think OW was pretty close....I didn't hear H in there at all. ALL of it was WH. And, of course, I ended up crying and trying to explain to him why no contact between us was necessary. He says he doesn't understand it all, that we should be able to talk civilly like adults for the sake of the kids.

I don't know why I try to explain...it doesn't mean anything to him.

At least we have a schedule now, it will not be necessary to contact him again.

wildhorses74 #1797588 01/31/07 11:40 AM
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And............I called him "honey" at one point when we were discussing the schedule. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> He didn't acknowledge it, I'm hoping he didn't hear it.

wildhorses74 #1797589 01/31/07 12:35 PM
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Hi FNH,

Well....in case it might help...here's my arrangement with WH.

When WS first moved out...for the first month....it was a bit chaotic...as he did not yet have a 'place of his own'.... when he did...it started to go smoother....

The boys alternate one week each....we are managing to be very consistent....WS always PICKS up boys...and our big dog (and whatever they want to take with them) and DROPS off....seeing WS is the one who left! ..I am NEVER there for the pick up or drop off....boys are old enough!

I have reduced communicationn with WS to one email per week for transfer info. re boys and finances...it is STRICTLY business-like....facts only....NO personal comments.... the boys can phone me or WS anytime....I never discuss what they do with WS....my older one has the key to the house...and has access at any time....and uses it...but 'officially' eats and sleeps at WS for one week....afterschool and weekends he is often at the house.....DS11 does need to call me to tell me that he 'misses' me.... I acknowledge it...get a 'reserve' of hugs when he is with me and vice-versa....but....nothing will ever 'hit the spot'....that's just the way it is...it's their NEW reality!

Yes...the boys are not 'benefitting' from two parents communicating, and inspite of WS wanting to get me to do 'friendly co-parenting', I do not feel guilty about not 'cooperating' as long as OW is in the picture....the A and WS's choices have created a 'disconnect' there that is out of my control....and by not trying to ignore this or compensate for it seems to be actually less 'stressful' all around..... the boys are living 'two' lives.....no way to get around it.... but they seem to be doing fine....it is clear that MOM will not see DAD....and why.... and that's it!

The week the boys are with me...I focus on creating a warm, cheerful 'homey' atmosphere...where friends and family are welcome...and I have a very good relationship with both my boys....issues are discussed...projects are discussed.... and they both KNOW and SEE how much I love and care for them.... whenever either mention WS....I don't stop them from doing it....but I also do not pursue or encourage it and now WS rarely comes up in the conversation except for 'necessary' arrangements!

Right now...inspite of everything...I am at a good place....focusing on the present...because I am not sure about the future....

..as a BS the hardest thing for me to do was working on getting WS to NOT monopolize my 'thinking' space..... and when I don't know what he is up to (PLAN B)...it gets easier!

..oh...and the other thing...HOW NOT TO react to WS's attempts to have me break PLAN B...

...a WS is toxic to a BS...inconsiderate & insensitive & selfish, to name a few....and unless and until OW is out of the picture....FOR SURE.....H is nowhere to be found!

Believe me, FNH, workout the kinks in arrangements... distance yourself from WS (PLAN B)... and life does get better...just hang in there!


XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
lunamare #1797590 01/31/07 12:48 PM
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Thank you, lunamare, for your encouragement.

I am considering "strictly facts" emails, also. But I wonder if that is too much. As others have said, contact is contact and he gets a piece of me. But if we could stick strictly to that, it might be better all the way around. I don't necessarily like my mother knowing everything that is going on. And she has enough stress problems, without me adding mine.

I don't know quite how to handle it all...but your post gave me some good perspective. I really struggle with my DDs having two separate lives. It's just so unfair to them. They didn't ask for this, but they pay the highest price.

I guess I can't control that either, life happens. We do the best we can with what we know at the time.

wildhorses74 #1797591 01/31/07 03:38 PM
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I'm having trouble finding that resting place again. Where the mind quiets, the thoughts stop fighting with each other for room, the doubts don't seem so big. Where I can just be. Knowing I'm ok and not questioning everything so much.

Why did he sound like he did?
Why did he say xyz?
What did he really mean?
Are intentions true for DDs?
Was he being a jerk because OW was there?
Was he a jerk because they are not getting along?
Was he a jerk because he was talking to me?
Will he always be a jerk?
Does any of that even matter?
How can I put this behind me and just go on without feeling like I need to worry about what he will think.
How do I communicate with him about DDs without him using it against me?
WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER?!

Where is that resting place and how do I get back to it!? I don't understand why WH is manuevering so much with DDs right now. Is it for DDs or is it for WH to look good for the courts or for WH to look good for OW?....and again, does it matter what the reason is?

Just venting......

wildhorses74 #1797592 02/02/07 01:12 PM
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I broke Plan B AGAIN yesterday...but it was kind of an emergency. Now WH called me this morning to get an update from yesterday.....I'll post the whole sitch in this afternoon.


I'm going to need some help in how to get back into Plan B after this. I think WH believes the lines of communication are back open because of yesterday's events. I'm sure he is getting mixed signals from me even when that isn't what I intend.

wildhorses74 #1797593 02/02/07 01:50 PM
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An example email to be sent to WS:

--------------------------------------------------------
WS:

I only contacted you directly yesterday for efficiency and because of the urgent nature of the issue.

Do not interpt this as meaning the lines of communications are open again. They are not.

If you need to communicate; please contact XXXXX.

BS

---------------------------------------------------------

Short, precise, & to the point. It leave no "wiggle" room and puts you back in the drivers seat with plan B.

Hope it is of some use to you.

Stay Strong!


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
walkingthefield #1797594 02/02/07 08:09 PM
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What your mind tells you is an emergency often is not so. I'll await the story but you've really got to commit to finding another way to handle these things lest you might as well not even bother with Plan B.

It's hard to withdraw from someone you life has been so intertwined with for so many years. I've never had to do it myself...but I can only make an educated guess from what I've read herein just how difficult it really is.

There is always tomorrow to start getting it right. This is YOUR plan and YOUR life. Take control of it and get yourself some distance and peace lest you be unable to even consider reconciling when WH hits rock bottom and seeks you out. He will...they nearly always do, and if he doesn't, who'd want him anyway.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
MrWondering #1797595 02/05/07 03:05 PM
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How are you FNH? How is plan B going for you?

wildhorses74 #1797596 02/05/07 03:51 PM
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Hi FNH,

How are you doing?

I would agree with Mr. W...

My WS on a regular basis has tried to 'convince me' (and BS can be tempted to agree), that there is a need to 'talk' to each other...for the boys' sake, of course! ...but all it is 'cake-eating' in disguise.... if my WS really cared about the BOYS....he would consider reconciliation! ....and so would yours....but don't try to TELL him that...WSs need to find that out by themselves, or NOT!

My rule of thumb is two people 'talking' to each other...is being in a 'relationship'....and, in my case, it will not happen until OW is out of the picture..all my WS's attempts to exchange with me or offers to help have been met with one line: has A ended?

....of course, the kids would benefit from parents talking to each other! ...that's what's called being married, having common goals, etc.

PLAN B takes a great amount of discipline....and whenever you think you need to 'consult' WS....think again....if he weren't ALIVE...how would you handle it?

In my case...I resort to friends if I need to discuss things....and more often, because WS was the handyman, I am building up a 'resource' list of people to call to 'replace' WS for the handywork he did...if I can't do it myself!

Please resist the temptation to 'talk' to WS...or 'discuss' anything, even in writing......

yes....you are sending mixed messages....and you want to be sending ONE CLEAR message: OW needs to be out of the picture for you to consider ANYTHING!

It's like negotiations.....you are not even at the table...unless OW is out of the picture!

If you have an intermediary, it's best....at least for the withdrawl period that you, BS, are going through with N\C with WS!

Keep working at not THINKING about WS....by keeping very busy...

For me PLAN B is two-fold.....visualizing and working towards a life WITHOUT WS and moving forward AS IF H will never show up.....while your WS checks out how his life is WITHOUT you in it!

Keep reminding yourself of this....contact with WS does NOT allow WS to either MISS you or SEE how life is without you!


XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
lunamare #1797597 02/05/07 06:53 PM
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Thank you all for checking in with me. I expected Plan B to be difficult....but I really didn't think I would be the one breaking it....for crumbs. And again, I accepted crumbs, when he asked, I accepted without hardly any resisting, knowing in my head that it wouldn't get us anywhere and he wasn't going to say what I wanted to hear. Here's the story, please let me know what you think.

On Thursday morning I was on my way into town to drop DDs off at school and go to work, my mom called my cell and said something was REALLY wrong with WH horse. You never know with my mother, sometimes she makes things a big deal when they are really not. All our horses are kept on her property. It was around 30 below zero with the wind chill factor, this horse is 20 years old and has been recently dropping weight pretty badly. When my mom called she was standing in the corner of the pasture away from the rest of the horses and was swaying back and forth. REALLY BAD NEWS in the horse world.

I called the vet and left a message. Then I argued with myself back and forth on whether I should call WH. I thought I should call him for a couple of reasons.

#1 This was HIS horse before he walked off and left me with her.
#2 WH should have to pay the vet bill (I just cannot as WH is not paying ANYTHING in the way of child support and DDs come first for me)...again his horse and his responsibility.

But, I knew is was in Plan B and shouldn't call him. It was not an emergency for DDs, but....he should have take care of his responsibilities, even if it is just a horse!

So, I called WH, explained the situation to him, and asked if he would pay the vet bill. I DID NOT ask him to come help me...I just needed the vet bill paid.

BS: Hey, my mom called this morning and something is wrong with your mare.
WH: Oh yeah, what's wrong.
BS: She's standing in the corner away from everyone and is swaying back and forth. I've called the vet and left a message for her to call me back ASAP. I can't afford to pay for the vet, can you?
WH: How much is the vet going to cost?
BS: I don't know...it's $35 for just a farm call. It depends on what the vet needs to do for her. She may just have to be put down.
WH: Oh. How much do you think it would be at the high end.
BS: I really don't know..it depends on what she wants to do for her. I really don't know what is wrong, I haven't seen her yet. She may just be really cold, but she's been dropping weight pretty badly lately. She's old and this winter has been pretty tough on her.
WH: Do you want me to come out with you?
BS: You can if you want, she is yours, and than you can make a decision on how much money you want to put into her and discuss with the vet on whether she should be put down or not, depending on what her quality of life will be.
WH: Okay, you don't mind if I come out there?
BS: You can if you want to, I'll get it done either way. I'm on my way out there right now to check her out and wait for the vet to call me back.
WH: Why don't you call me when the vet calls you back.
BS: k, bye
WH: Bye

I went out in the freezing, blowing, snowing blizzard to check on HIS horse. She used to wear a heavy winter blanket but must have rolled or something and broke the strap that keep it on because it was no where to be found. I think the problem was she was VERY cold and the other horses wouldn't let her in the shelter. Anyway, I called WH to let him know what I thought we should do for her. The vet had not called me back. I told him I thought she should be on a supplement that would help her maintain a better weight and that she needed a high quality winter blanket. He asked if I would meet him in town at the feed store to pick out a good blanket and whatever supplement she needed.

This kind of ticked me off, somehow you can buy all this stuff for a horse, but not take care of your own kids?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Maybe they have to be left out in the freezing blizzard for him to take some responsiblity for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I told him I would meet him there and he said he had to run "home" to get his checkbook. I don't know why he had to tell me that..his "home" is much closer to the feed store than I was and he would get there first. I said ok, see you there.

He calls me back a couple of minutes later and says he didn't realize it was so bad outside, he would be a little longer because he had to put his long johns on "so I didn't freeze my little [censored] off". I said ok, see you there. I don't know why he has to give me a minute by minute update. It wasn't like I was going to walk out of the store if he didn't show up exactly when I thought he should.

Anyway, we met at the feed store and I gave him a couple of options..and he asked my opinion on what we should get. The most expensive one, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Then we picked up the supplement and WH was asking how long it would last, etc. I told him how long I thought it would last for just his mare. He asked how long I thought it would last if I gave it to my old horse too. (Who is keeping his blanket on and faring MUCH better!) This seemed like a silly question to some degree. If I told him how long it would last for one horse, couldn't he half the amount if you are feeding two horses? Geesh. That was almost a $200 bill at the feed store.

As we are walking towards the checkout counter, WH made a comment about how loose his pants were. Which I had already noticed. After he left, he changed the kind of jeans he wore. He now wears Levi's which show the measurements on the tag on the outside. I had already looked (32 inch waist, BTW, he normally wears 34 waist 36 inseam) because they were REALLY loose and every time he went to bend over, he had to hitch up his pants so he didn't have a plumber butt. I REALLY don't like baggy butt jeans so it bugs me when I see it.

As we were on our way to the counter he made a comment about how loose his jeans were and that they were almost falling off. He then said "see", as he pulled them lower a little bit. We were kind of kidding back and forth and I said "you don't have to pull them down, silly, I don't have to see it." And kind of flirtatiously, he says "I wasn't gonna show you IT" With emphasis on IT so I knew exactly what he was talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I follow WH back out to my mother's house and he helps me put the blanket on his horse. Actually, he didn't help me. Normally, I would do it all, but I decided it was his horse, he could do it and I was about numb anyhow. So I just held the lead rope for him. I didn't want to have to take MY gloves off to work the straps! We got that all done and WH suggested we sit in his truck to warm up while his horse ate her supplement. Mine was running this whole time too and was not cold. But... I sat in his truck with him to warm up and we talked about his horse, etc. I told him I'd had my tires rotated on my truck and the mechanic found another $900 worth of work on the front end that I needed to have done. He asked what needed to be done. He used to do ALL of the mechanic work on my truck. I told him I didn't really know, they had given me a list and it was in my truck. He asked me to get the list so he could take a look at it. I went to step out of his truck to go to mine, which was a little ways away from his, but not far. He told me to wait...and then pulled closer to my truck. It was only about 10 yards away, it was not that big of a deal. But he pulled me RIGHT up next to it. I handed him the list and he looked it over, disagreeing with some of it. I told him it didn't really matter, I couldn't afford to have it done anyway. He said to hang on to the list and he would look into getting better prices for me. I told him I still had to pay someone to do all the work." He just said to hang on to the list and he'd see what he could do.

His horse finished her supplement (we were still parked by my truck which was away from the gate to the pasture), so I said I guess she's done, we can probably go now, she's looking much better. The vet never did call me back, she was on other emergency calls. I really think the mare was just cold and needed some shelter from the FREEZING temperatures. I went to step out of the truck and told me to not get out, he would drive me to the gate. Again 10 yards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Then HE got out and got the bucket and put it in my truck. (which he walked to) I thanked him for coming out and helping to take care of his horse and I'd let him know when the vet called.

He asked if I was hungry. I said "no, not really, you know I don't really eat breakfast. And I have to check the stock tank heaters and break the ice in some of the tanks. I'm not really done with the chores here yet" He asked if I wanted him to help me....and again, I didn't know how to handle that. One one hand, he should help, it's his responsibility too but on the other hand I didn't want any "favors" from him. He hadn't been helping all along, why is he offering now? So I told him no, that I could do it. I've been doing it and it's not that big of a deal. Meanwhile, it is still BLIZZARDING outside and I didn't know I was going to have to be out in it so I hadn't put on MY long johns. He seemed to know that I was just being stubborn and didn't want to ask him for anything. He said, "come on, I'd like to do it". So I accepted his offer. Again, he DROVE to the stock tank, told me to wait in the truck, and busted all the ice out of the tank for the water, checked the heater and fixed it so it was working correctly. I couldn't just sit there, one of the feeders had come apart so I got out and fixed that. Then we both got in his truck and he DROVE me to my truck. He again asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I said no, I should get back to work, we have some big projects going out. He said "come on, BS, I really don't want to go back to work." And.....knowing I shouldn't, I accepted. WANTING to hear what he has to say, WONDERING if this will be the day. He asked if I wanted to ride with him or meet him there. I told him I would just meet him there since where we were going was not very far from my office. He said "why don't you ride with me and I will bring you back". I said, then you'll have to drive 10 miles back out here to bring me to my truck". He said that was okay, he really didn't want to go back to work.

Normally, I would try to explain the logic.....why drive an extra 20 miles (to bring me back to my truck and then back into town to work) when we could just meet there and save us both time and him gas. But I didn't, I wondered if this had always been a LB, me thinking to logically and explaining a better (to me) way to do things. So I told him I would ride with him and he could bring me back out.

There are a couple of different ways to get where we were going. Want to know which way he took? The one that took us directly by his house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> On the way in, I wondered which direction he would take...and as soon as he took the corner that would take us by his house, he said quietly to himself "Oh! Why did I turn this way?" I didn't acknowledge that he had spoken. There were a couple of places he could have turned around at to go the OTHER way but he didn't.

There wasn't very much conversation. I asked about his mom, his sister and BIL, and grandma, etc. Just catching up.

And ignored the fact that we were driving past his and OW house......

We ate breakfast (which he insisted on paying for) and just small talked. Nothing heavy just all "surface" talk.

Then he drove me back out to my truck. Again, driving by his house. He's a smoker and knows I don't like to have to breath it...and he has changed his taste in music. It is now rap and he has BIG speakers in his truck.

Breakfast went ok, again just surface talk. On the ride back out, WH must have had 5 cigarettes (I HATE breathing someone else's smoke), turned up the rap music and we THUMPED the whole way out there. He also knows I HATE it when the base thumps so hard that it hurts my chest. I don't know if he is truly this inconsiderate or if he was TESTING. I said nothing the whole ride and when we got to my truck and he turned it down, I thanked him for breakfast and left. I don't know what to think of this interaction. At first, I thought he was trying to fence sit again and get a little piece of me, but then it seemed like he was TRYING to make me mad on the way back to my truck or just didn't CARE if it bothered me.

He then called the next morning to check on his horse. I said she was fine as far as I knew. I hadn't talked to my mother yet. He really didn't need to call me for that. If he wanted to know how she was, he could call my mother or go out and look himself.

That was Friday and I haven't heard from him since. Which is good.

But I will see him tomorrow night at a parent's meeting about freshman registration at the high school. Any suggestions on the best way to handle that? If he shows.

wildhorses74 #1797598 02/05/07 07:46 PM
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WOW!!! Um, the fastest way back to Plan B, Like the Nike slogan....JUST DO IT!

No more contact about the horse. NO more, no reason. If he really was concerned, he would run out to the pasture himself, buy a blanket, check with the vet, etc. AND that is my take, not knowing ANYTHING about horses.

Don't answer calls, no emails, no TM's, nada, nil, nuttin'. Resend the PBL if you feel the need. You can do it. Think of how WH is now, do you like him, do you want him. HE seems unconcerned with EVERYTHING. Back away, like he's on fire!

When you see him at parent's night, smile and then look away. Avoid eye contact. Avoid talking about anything at all, if possible. Try to talk to other parents. Don't look for him to take the lead here. Remember, this sort of event is about education and YOUR CHILDREN, not FUN TIME. When it's time to go, LEAVE. If he tries to strike up a conversation, well, I dunno, but I would think Plan B, think WS and reverse babble. Maybe you can get better feedback on this one, from others here. Judging from his participation in your DD's lives so far, he may not show...


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
silentlucidity #1797599 02/06/07 10:42 AM
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Yes... don't fret, just go back to being aloof and silent if you can.

I know it's hard... hang in there FNH.

silentlucidity #1797600 02/06/07 10:44 AM
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Thanks, SL. I don't know how you stayed in Plan B for so long. I'm so glad that it worked for you.

I don't think I'll have any trouble going back into Plan B and shouldn't have to resend the Plan B letter. He hasn't called since and I haven't called him.

Last evening was WH evening to have DDs. He dropped them off and didn't come in, just as I've requested.

DD13 likes to talk about what they've done when they are with WH. He had taken them shopping and bought them some new shirts (and DD13 3 inch heels <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) and had given them lunch money.

Lately, it seems, he has started to be so much better about DDs. He calls more often (almost excessively), this is the second time he has given them lunch money, and they all seem more at ease with each other. DD12 attitude continues to be positive for 3 weeks straight...every once in a while the smart mouth returns but she gets over the snottiness pretty quick.

WH had taken DDs to Pizza Hut for dinner....and picked up pizza for OW and OW S7. He took DDs from Pizza Hut to his house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> They waited in his truck while a took the pizza in (I don't know why she couldn't have done delivery, but whatever) DD13 said it looked like they were fighting. She could see through the window and WH was throwing his hands up and making gestures like he was mad and OW was pointing at him. When WH came back out to the truck DD13 said he was irritated.

OW H called yesterday and asked me how WH was behaving. He wondered because OW called him twice yesterday and was yelling, and screaming, and being snotty. She called once in the morning and they "talked" for 45 minutes and then she called again in the evening and they went at it for another hour.

Maybe she found out about WH helping me with his horse and going to breakfast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Quote
When you see him at parent's night, smile and then look away. Avoid eye contact. Avoid talking about anything at all, if possible. Try to talk to other parents. Don't look for him to take the lead here. Remember, this sort of event is about education and YOUR CHILDREN, not FUN TIME. When it's time to go, LEAVE.


This is my plan, SL. Get there early and do it myself. As a single parent. And then LEAVE. I think he'll show, he really seems to be making an effort lately. I question his motives, but no matter the motive, it benefits DDs. I KNOW he is going to want to talk and I just have to LEAVE. I HAVE to. I'm afraid he is going to ask me to go for dinner after. And it's so hard to say no....everytime he asks I question whether THIS will be the time he's going to say he wants to reconcile and I don't want to let that opportunity pass.

But it makes me wonder.....if they are arguing, is this the right time for me to push him away? Or should I step in and take advantage of their disconnect? But then a Plan B can never be effective because I have already broken it. If I don't respect and stick with what I say, neither will he.

wildhorses74 #1797601 02/06/07 11:33 AM
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Fox,

2X4, you should have your mother call WH about the horse instead. You want to break Plan B didn't you. Be strong girl; it's your marriage you want to save. If he wants to reconcile, you'll know. Stay Dark and hang in there; let the two of them poison one another.


MikeTC BH-Me(46) WW-41 DD(10)DS(8) 1st Separation 9/13/06 (2wks) D-Day 9/28/06 2nd Separation 12/25/06 to 4/30/07 Plan B- 1/5/07 - 4/30/07 when she wants to come back home (false recovery) Latest contacts w/ OP - 7/13/07, 8/9/07, 8/14/07, 12/20/07, 2/6/08 & 2/7/08 and who knows 1/25/08 to present - Plan A when possible My story
miketc #1797602 02/06/07 12:24 PM
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It sounds like there is trouble in paradise. That's good. Just stay dark. If you WH wants to come home, he'll find a way to tell you. You don't need to sit there waiting, making yourself available.

Moving forward without him is the best medicine for you. You don't want this WH. You WANT your H, you want your family.

Take this new opportunity to go DARK, no talking, no nothing. If there is trouble with OW, this is a great time to be silent...


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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