Its been 11 months since I stopped her affair. And I am losing hope. I had been the only man she had ever sleep with. We had been together since we were teenagers. We have been married 26 years, 4 kids two still at home. I worked a lot and provided a very good living for us, she took care of the kids. We moved about ever 5 years, so that was hard on her and the kids. She went back to college to finish her degree in accounting. so she was going to school full time and taking care of the house...very over loaded. We had friends in the neighborhood, we spent a lot of time with one couple over 4 years. The husband of the couple decided that he wanted to sleep with my wife so he began talking with her more and more while I wasn't home. Nice guy, I thought he was a good friend, how wrong I was.....my wife wouldn't comply with his advances so he forced himself on her. She didn't know what to do because she didn't want to wreck the friendship we all had. She eventually got emotionally envolved and thought she loved him....he manipulated her a lot. Thats the short of it.
Now I can't trust her, All I think about is her having sex with him and how disgusting she was and what a wh0re she is. If we didn't have two kids at home I would have thrown her out. We have been going to counceling but its more about making her a strong women that can't be taken advantage of and to resolve some childhood problems.

She says she can't connect with me emotionally but is trying, she is very sorry and apologetic and wants to make the marriage work. Sex is bed is different now as she has told me to do different things now as she found out she likes it a certain way, which came from the other guy, it just kills me. I had to move out of the neighborhood to get her away from him, so I lost my house, my respect for my wife, I lost a friend or who I thought was a friend, and I lost $50,000 in the move....

How do you get past this, she was an angel, sunday school teacher, I would have bet my life that should couldn't of had an affair....How long does it take to recover where your resentment is gone and you can see her not as a stupid wh0re, because that is the term that best describes someone perpetrating devastation for thier own selfish reasons. Don't want to waste the rest of my life, as I have already wasted some with her already! is is worth it....she is still in a fog, and confused....

when was the D day?
When was there complete NC?

Pep

I hope that you exposed the affair to the other man's wife. She deserves to know.

"All I think about is her having sex with him and how disgusting she was and what a wh0re she is."

I know how much all this hurts, but do you REALLY feel this way about your wife of 26 years?

Believer, he said that he did feel this way. I can very much relate to his feelings. I felt nothing but disgust and revulsion at my H after his affair. I even told him he was a "low man." And I really felt that way at the time. His feelings are perfectly understandable.

biwabik, are you absolutely certain that all contact has ended?

Have you tried to discern why she got into this affair in the first place?

You just joined a forum where 90% of the people have been through the same thing. There is comfort here, there is knowlege here, there is advice here. People survive these things. My FWW was a church deacon for 5 years, and we're surviving.

Keep posting, sharing, learning and planning...to make a difference in your life.

SD

She got into the affair, when my best friend decided he wanted to sleep with her. His wife is frigid. so for a year he piled compliments on her and was around to 'listen' to her. So he developed an emotional affair first. Then he kissed her under the mistle toe. He called for a couple of days asking her if she told me, she said no...so he came over and actually phyically assaulter her...she would push his hands away..but each day he pushed farther...with in 30 days of the kiss, he was trying to have sex with her, she said no but he wouldn't stop...and she was lost from that point on...he slowly broke her barriers until the were all gone....D day was March 2006 it started Jan 2005...when I confronted her I thought she was going to have a nervious breakdown...the OW knows as well, but has taken the attitude that they were each just taking care of each others needs...she is a door mat.

She is in councelling, but I'm not sure if she is a good counceller. She is working on making her 'whole' not much working on the marriage specifically....thinking about going to 'Retrouvaille' any advice about them?

I am very sure she hasn't see him, however I was very sure she couldn't do something this vile...

biwabik, is she talking to him? emailing him?

If she is in individual counseling rather than MC, that may be the root of your problem right there. An IC will help a person work on INDIVIDUAL issues, usually at the EXPENSE of the marriage.

Not only that, but most counselors are NOT pro-marriage, don't understand NOTHING about infidelity and haven't a CLUE how to repair the damage from an affair. They cause MORE HARM than good!

So, if you want to salvage your marriage, I would do the following:

1. educate yourself by reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley [order them on this website cheap] Find out WHY she had this affair and what was lacking in your marriage

2. Make sure there is absolutely NO contact between her and the OM. Put a tap on your phone and a keylogger on your computer to make damn sure there is no contact

3. get into MARRIAGE COUNSELING! Counsel with the Harleys or some other QUALIFIED counselor who will help you fix your marriage

I monitor all her emails and cell phone bills..he knew that and had her stop at pay phones to call him....the councilor is a marriage councilor, and has been showing her why she did what she did and how to not make her valnurable again.......see is still emotional about it and is very sorry... I am tempted to have her take a lie detector test but don't want to cause more damage.....

Retrouville has excellent success in cases like this. Are you Catholic?

no we are lutheran.....what is everyones opinion on making her take a lie detector test to help me trust her?

Is there any other way to check her veracity? What questions would you ask in a lie detector test?

question for the lie detector. have you seen or talked to him since the affair ended. Have you tried to see him or talk to him, do you plan on seeing him or talking to him. did he force you into a physical affair? is this the only affair you have ever had.