Just a note I have just read Dogfood's diary, wow that was a lession...

JMWC I finially got the point, I stand firm in the house... I am new to this and it is a steep learning curve... Been in the mess since 1st week December...

my moving was me trying to be nice... an olive branch...


ok how do I explain the change of heart about not moving out. without making her feel i lied then make another major withdrawl from the love bank..


I am also concerned about her Les GF I have Zero evidance of an PA in this.. However they talk a ton the gf is a confidant, they work togeather/ shop togeather/ coffie etc and are very close.... if she was a man I would be extreamly worried... However women often have these type of close friendship that men don't have... any ideas?


also please keep the advice comming and be advised you might have to tell me twice the uptake can be slow... i am taking a pretty good emotional beating right about now...


J

Hey Jim,

Let me start by saying that your M is not over.

My wife had an EA for about a year. It took me about 8 weeks after NC for my wife to start working with me. My Plan A lasted 7 months.

Tell your wife that you will be staying in your house b/c you want to work on your M. You love her and feel that moving out would hurt your R. You are her H and shoudl be in the M home.

MrW. told you that you need to act like you did when you first dated. Good advise. Try to meet as many EN of hers as you can.

The weekends are slow here so don't feel like people are ignoring you.

Stay in your house

Don't LB

work on bettering you (plan A)

You are better off than most when they come here. Your OM is out of the picture.

Thanks for the note...

ok lots of questions... she has tried to contact OM severial times, he has her on ignore and isn't responding..
Is that still counted as NC?
If so NC was 1/11 from all intel I have...

Ok what do i do? don't want to tip my hand on how i get the intel... so i can keep getting it..

good advice on staying i will take it...

am trying to elimanate as many LB as i can... reviewed the sheet she did again... reading the LB book with W

reviewed her EN again ... actually if she did the sheets honestly I am all in the + side 1's or 2's and I do it how she likes it for her top 5... a couiple non top 5 could use some work ... (shaving)

It seems LB are my down fall... Working real hard to elimanate them, have done so with some, others are harder... however reading dog post is helping me understand the situation and how it plays out so i hope to do better... trying to keep the taker at bay,

One of my LB is trying to get some positive emotional contact...

Talking to much... dwelling on us...intrupting, not listening enough... etc... being scared and selfish... taker stuff...

now what about the GF is she a risk?

Sat went well i think, got her roses, candy and card... she found it and did the typical gal awwwwwhhhhh

well we did dinner last night think it went well, was about 2 hours didn't rush, listened more, she talked more I tried to keep it light... then went shopping for a present for her niece, walked the mall... That went ok...

She nodded off at 9pm so took her to bed... she seemed to sleep well... she woke up and we just snugled for around 30-45 minutes no rush (that was another complaint i hop out of bed on weekends to quick)

Havn't discused moving, leaving alone unless she brings it up...

Seemed to be less tension in the house... of course all her kids were here but it felt quasi normal this weekend...

Today she is taking the kids to sis for neice bday (her sis is toxic sis so i stayed home) I am cleaning and doing laundry so the isn't any work when she get back tonught...


Please keep the ideas, advise, instructions flowing...

I thought weekend went well. She saw dr and shrink...
we watched the MB dvd... she like it though it was good..

She said her IC says she doesn't need more counseling she is done.... but i see an appt card in her purse for another session... why the lie

Tension is better, not much right now...

i am working hard at reducing LB and meeting her EM...
I admit some of my LB are control Selfish demands, disrespet angey outburtst... I am willing to follow the MB course of action for recovery, i don't know is she has bought in or not, though she aggreeded it was good...

She still says the EA was no big deal...

She says she still wants a seperation... I will follow JMWC advice i am not leaving... if she does seprate she has to do it all herself. That would be real hard on her income alone... 1100 a month... and a boy and girl (not mine)

Still worried she is talking seperation though...

I don't see her looiking very hard for a place that i can tell.. says she is on a waiting list... since i busted up the EA, i have no evidance of contact seems NC is holding... she is checking but om is long gone it appears... Still no nookie since NC date (when i exposed the EA) her toys remain untouched so either she is getting that need fill elseware or dose not have the need right now... no evidance i can find of a PA so far...


she thinks I am controling, maniplitive...etc... but also said she knows i am trying and can see some changes, and i love her bla bla bla followed that up with an anology of a wounded solider (her) that cant be fixed from the war (marrage) to much battle fatauge (emotional damage) she acts like she is just quiting...i don't know...

She wants to talk to our MC (My IC) thursday and ask some questions... what, why i haven't a clue...

OK folks i need some advice on how to proceed... and what she is saying it don't always seem to make sense...


Ok MB experts now what do I do, can you interprate what is happining?

You are going to need to keep making changes, because she won't believe it at first.

She is still very early in NC and may be in withdrawal. You are going to have to do all the work right now, and expect nothing in return.

ok well i start the gym tommrow, already down 50 lbs from stess diet...

joined churc chior... trying hard to elimante LB and make max deposits when i can in the Love bank... she is olldy enouh still sleeping with me and alows and likes to cuddle... we are talking a bit more and a bit easier...

i am trying thougt full requests,,, she says i am still tlaking about the M to much...

Sounds promising to me. Usually they won't cuddle at all. Continue what you are doing, and making changes. Also it is suggested that you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Also give the relationship talk a break.

My concerns are her contuined talk (insistance)on seperation,

What is it she can't tell me and wants to talk to the MC (my IC) about with me thursday.

Her continued talk that she can't do the marrage thing anymore, to much damage done etc etc etc

Is this normal for this stage? Is there a chance for recovery. How can i do it without her buy-in and working at it too...

she also says she want me to more self assured... how do i do that after she says marrage is over, hates me, the EA, wanting sereration... don't know if she can try to make it work... bla bla bla


Please MB pros i could use some answers, it is real uncomfortable over here...

I don't know how much help I'll be because I'm in the same boat as you but here goes... I've only known about my H's affair for a liitle over a month. His was a PA though and lasted for 2 years. Of course, our situations are different for other reasons too because you're a man, I'm a woman, and the basic EN that we weren't meeting will more than likely be flip-flopped. There are some things that have helped tremendously in our situation though and I wanted to share them:

1. We started spending time ALONE without the kids the day after I found out and have continued that several times a week to "feel" like a couple again (not just parents). It sounds like you have family support close and maybe your W's ex would be willing to take his kids more often if he thought it would help your marriage.

2. I have bent over backwards trying to meet every need that I know I wasn't meeting before. Yes, I had sex with my H, but did I ever initiate... Nope. Yes, I dressed up and put on make-up when we went out somewhere, but did I look my best when HE would be the only one to see me... No way (I already had him, who was I trying to impress). The list could go on and on, but you get the point.

I don't know what her needs are, but you do. Are you doing everything you can to meet them and NOT focus on what needs of your own she's not meeting. That was always a big thing for me. If he won't turn away from the tv and look at me when I'm talking or if he won't play with the kids, then why would I want to have sex with him? It was all about me, but all I could see was how selfish he was being.

3. Do NOT think about the OM at all. This is extremely hard to do, but it has made me get through the days so much easier. Of course, this was after I had asked all my questions (which took the entire first month). I spoke with her once on the day I found out and have been tempted to again, but haven't. I figure if I have contact with her, that's the same as him having contact with her because she's still part of the equation.

It does sound like you don't have to worry about the OM anymore, so I wouldn't contact him again. It also sounds like he'll be the first to let you know if you're W talks to him so try not to stress about it unless you have to.

4. Stay calm. Hold your tongue. I know... easier said than done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think the thing that kept my husband from walking out the door on Day 1 was that I kept my composure and took the "what do you need me to do" approach. Of course, he's gotten the @#*% kicked out of him a few times since then though! But for the most part, I have just tried to be someone who is "loveable" and I definitely hadn't been that to him before.

Sorry to ramble on for so long. I just wanted to share some things that have made this easier on me and made the recovery process faster than it probably would have been

I don't know her and her lisbean friend went looking for appartments tonight, i don't know if they found on or not maybe.. said something about credit checks etc... but they hanvn't dopne it yet real sctechy...

she says she wants to part before we become enemies....

Of course everything is my fault... ANd theat her Dr, shrink has concerns becuse i w3as erratic.... like having your wife say we shouldn't gotten married and finding her in a EA make for logical thought when you rip out the emotional heart...


i really need to pros to help me I am feeling lost...

Is she seeing the les? or could it just be friendship...

I know she moves in with her GF her ex will sue for custody... shy can't she see this... she would likly loose too...


HELP

pro please help...

My intel says WW and her lez friend have applied for an appt... WW dad gave w money for the deposit... will be telling me today at MC.. Cuz she is worried about my reaction... will move ASAP following that...

I don;t know if she is spitting for good (my fear) or to continnue MC... and working to recon... Since i am not getting much truth right now...

Now what continue plan A or move to plan B?

HELP

Need advice and help bump

bump

OK...first off, protect your assets. Remove your wife from any checking/savings accounts, and make sure she knows that she's not taking ANYTHING from the marital home unless it's her personal stuff.

If she chooses to move out, that is HER choice. But, you don't have to make it easy for her. Make it clear that if she leaves, there will be NO support from you at all. She's ON HER OWN.

What snooping have you done to determine if she's really in a relationship with this other woman or not?

Is she still engaged in the online gaming that let her meet with OM? What game is it? Is she still suffering an online addiction?

Take a look for my story over on the Recovery board...from way back.

Above all, don't beg or plead with her on any of this. Don't get angry and violent either. Your best bet is to talk QUIETLY...so that she has to stop and listen to what you're saying. Make it clear that you don't want her to go, that you love her and feel that you can work out things in your marriage...but that if she leaves, it's her choice and you will NOT support her at all.

Does her exH know that she's moving out? I thought you'd mentioned he would fight for custody if she did so...sounds like you might want to make sure that he knows what she's up to as well.

owl thank god someone anwered..

sentanbce 1 is in good pretty decent shape, she isn;t taking any marital stuff...

number 2 is already clear no support from me, i may keep the cell phone on so we can try to recon but that is about it, end when the insurance is due next month if we havnt reconciled that stops too.

As much snooping as i know how to at the moment... they work togetather and talk/text alot... nothing is said on the puter or other places that i can monitor that indicates an affair...

yes she is still playing the game just when she don't think i know... the OM is out of the Picture.. but she is pretty chatty.... game is runescape...


we spoke about it atIC/ MC today... first 15 minutes was me an IC we figure the next couple weeks will tell the tale based on her actions... if she remains engaged we know she is trying if not we know it was a ploy...
wehn togeather i made it clear i don;t want her to go and think we can make it work... counsler help explain some mis communication between us as well as how she hurt me and why it was trumatic.... explained it was a trigger and caused me to be hyper vigalant... that sin;t control, it is fear looks the same but comes from a diffrent motivation...

No her Ex dosn't know yet if she moves this weekend will have to be told as he haas the girls for visitation this weekend...

besides the kids will tell him and better she be mad at him then me...

she is in the car talking to someone now probnably abiout the appt...

this really hurts


oh well i will part gracefully and kindly as i can...

Keep the advice comming...

bump please folks i need some support and guidance on what to do now...

Ken,

I'm afraid it is pretty slow around here at night and weekends can be downright lonely...

I wish there was something "magic" that could be done, but there just isn't. One of the keys to a good Plan A is knowing what to do and staying with the game plan no matter what the WS does or says. If you look at DF's thread you will see that in the beginning he was trying to fly by the seat of his pants. He was reacting to everything that happened and came looking for help about twice an hour.

I'd be concerned about W's GF, if for no other reason than she may be an enabler in all of this. If they have been close for a long time, she may also have had a crush on your W for years and now sees this as her chance, so keep a close eye on that sitch.

You said you joined the church choir, so I'm guessing you are in a healthy well balanced church. Does your pastor know what's going on? In my own sitch, it was my pastor and a long time friend who kept me from insanity for the first few weeks and still keep me encouraged when I'm feeling down or downright hopeless.

For now, let me share with you what I was told by my friend three weeks after Dday. I'd lost 15 pounds on the infidelity diet by then and was only sleeping about an hour or two per night.

All he told me was to read Psalm 102. You will find that the first 11 verses describe right where you are. Just be sure to read verse 12! Read it more than once. Read it out loud!

You can still win this, but it will take a really long time. Don't give up hope!

Mark

I am a bit confused, if you don't mind I ask you some questions:

First, how many kids do you as couple have?

I agree you should bot be the one to leave the house.

She was the one who had an EA. It's over. NC.
She seamed like she was trying at least to "recover M" IC, MC, reading books with you and all.

Why does she wants to leave? What reasons to leave is she giving you?

It's temporary? Need her space? Wants a D?

How about the kids? Are they staying with you?

Something not sounding right... unless she's following someone's advice.

How was you life before all this mess? How was your SF life?

What are her top needs? Are you trying to meet them?

Mark,

what to say is W GF an enabler, most diffanatly, she wants W to dump me, as do most her co workers... I don't know what she has said but it must have been wonderful...

GF home is a mess brother beating up mom and with W as her roommate she can afford to move out of that mess...

I don't know how to keep a close eye on them, if W is having an affair with her... They work togetather, and W said I can pick her up to date... but not come in the house as it make GF uncorfortable.. and would upset her GF, and it is her aprt. too...

Yes my pastor is pretty much in the loop... dosn't know wbout us splitting but knows the rerest of the stich...
i will talk with him more today proably...