This is all new to me. I recently found out my future H has been cheating on me. We both work for the same company but different location. He's been talking to our co-worker which works at his office. He says he kissed her and at that moment he knew he screwed up. He says he's sorry blah, blah, blah and wants to make this work. I'm not sure what I want anymore. OW quit the day after I found out. I'm just crushed. No one knows what has happened except the 3 of us. What to do?

Aside from knowing details ie kids, etc.--the fact that's he's still your future H--would be a big no for me. I think it's a chance for you to run before he is your actual H. I know that sounds harsh, but if I ever marry again, I'd never marry someone who cheated while we were dating. That's when he should have all eyes on you--that's the warm fuzzy stage. There is something in him that needs some fixing.

I'm sorry for the pain of all this. I know it hurts.

Since you aren't married yet I would put on my Nikes and run like the wind.

You aren't even married yet and he is already cheating? What will happen once you get married and have the stress of children, financial pressures, marital boredom? If he can't do right by you during what is supposed to be the "golden time" of your relationship then what do you think will happen when times get rough?

Personal experience: If I had only known then what I know now I would have never ever ever said "I do."

When is the wedding???

If it's soon...delay it.

Most would tell you to can him today, I don't think you HAVE to make such decision today; however, you should not marry this man for quite some time..if ever.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - Make him post a minimum of 100 times (in a serious, non-disruptive manner) in this forum as ONE requirment to even considering giving him another chance. There should be MANY other requirements as well. Maybe a MB weekend seminar.

We plannd on getting married in December just something small because he comes from a large family. We have been planning on buying a house after.

We've been together for 3 years and have no kids.

How did you find out?

I was still at the office and I had called him on his cell and when he answered, I heard him arguing with someone. I always had a feeling but never thought it would happen. Well, he later told me he wanted me to hear first hand what was going on because he knew OW was going to tell me.

You can choose to believe this was a "small" stupid mistake, that this will never happen again, ble, bla, bla...

If you decide to stay in this relationaship, PLEASE, follow the MB principals. Read the site with him, fill the questionaries.

What have you talked about this, what is he telling you?

Have you discussed why did this happened?

Talk to the Harleys, both of you. They are the best to give you advice. I am sure they will be able to tell you if you two stand a good chance for M or not.

The last few months we have been under alot of stress. He says that I don't give him any attention or affection. I was recently promoted and I have worked really hard to get to where I am today. And we were in a financial bind so with work and money, you know I was staying focus on what needed to be done.

The problem with that excuse is that many times in a marriage, one person may not get enough attention. Children, relatives, sickness, etc. happen.

I would have been more encouraged if he had confessed because he knew it was wrong, and not because OW threatened to tell you.

Is there life after all this, is there hope that we can make this work or is this relationship doomed. I'm not sure what to do. I know I re think everything back in my head and I've lost many hours of sleep driving myself crazy. It's just that my mind won't stop thinking. I just don't understand WHY? What makes people go to this level. The ulimate betrayal.

I know it is extremely painful. Think of how it would be if you had a couple kids and a house, and your husband was cheating with another woman.

He has shown that he fixes his problems by cheating with another woman. And you guys are ENGAGED!!!! That should be the time when he is still madly in love.

If it were me, I would put the wedding on HOLD. Then I would break the engagement and date others.

vixs,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Welcome to the "club" that no one wants to join. I know that all of this is really difficult, but I hope you can take at least some comfort in knowing that we're all here for you.

Quote:
He says that I don't give him any attention or affection.
___________

This means he is blaming you for HIS actions.

Not a good sign.

He choose to have an A. This is not a way to solve any problem in a R.

Never let him blame you. This isn't about you. It's HIM. He has a problem.

Are you sure the A is over? How did you find out?

Been there. I chose to marry the person who showed me she was untrustworthy, and guess what - 12 years and 2 kids later, she showed me again that she was untrustworthy, in a way that was much, much worse than her first demonstration . I found myself in a world of pain that still affects me almost 2 years after D-day, wondering if I really made the right decision 12 years ago to stick it out.

So my advice is simple - walk away and never speak to or otherwise contact him again. Good Ms require love, trust and commitment, and while your potential H could likely meet the first requirement, at least for awhile, he's already demonstrated to you that he certainly can't meet the second.

It doesn't matter who else knows - YOU know what happend and it will haunt you for years to come if you decide to stick with him, particularly if he ends up being unfaithful again.

There ARE more fish in the sea.

I'm very sorry to hear this as well.

I don't believe your relationship is doomed, people can change. I would follow the recommendation to delay the wedding while you think about things. You have been together 3 years now, and you can make this relationship the best it has ever been if he agrees to the following:

1. The A ends.
2. NC forever with OW
3. A plan is followed to build the relationship, similiar to rebuilding a marriage. Read up on this site, the articles and basic concepts.
4. Take some time, see how it works, see how committed you both are to improving your relationship.

It does sound promising: OW quit, the truth is out, and so on. You will make it through this no matter what, and as they are saying: It's not your fault he made the choice to cheat.