Just a general question to get everyones feelings on this. My wife has been having an affair with a married man, I've known about phone conversation for 8 months now and full affair details for 3 months, teh affair has been going on for four years (ouch!!). Well during this time The OMW and I have begun a friendship of course to compare notes about what is happening as we both want to make our marriages work. I believe the affair between my wife and this man has come to an end. But my wife is having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I am having this friendship with the OMW, we have went out once together and were talking a few times a week on the phone, mostly about the affair adn comparing notes. Should I be concerned that my wife is so upset about this friendship? Is it maybe a clue that the affair is still going on? She appears to not want her and I comparing notes. Just an FYI the OMW has filed for divorce recently but still calls for information.

Be careful, are you getting emotionally attached to OMW? Personally I don't think meeting in person is necessary.

Your relationship with the OMW should be strickly business. Nothing more and only if the two WS are still having contact. Otherwise no more talking to OMW.

Your are M and should not be having a close relationship with another woman anyway.

Set your own boundaires today with yourself and OMW.

What leads you to say this?

Well my wife has told me she has not been talking to him. I have no proof that she isn't still seeing or talking to him. Just instinct.

Boundaries are set and it is strickly business. But, why is my wife so pissed??

Shes mad for many reasons.
One, if true, the A is over and the "fun is done". It's no fun when the A stops.

Two, she has to blame someone for all this mess and hurt feelings. WS hate to blame themselves so she will zero in on you. Don't give her anything to use against you.

Three, maybe you are/were getting too close to the OMW and your wife doesn't like it one bit. I have seen it where the WS gets very mad when the BS makes new friends especially of the opposite sex.

Four, you wife maybe still be in contact with OM and is lying to you about it. They do seem to keep up the A longer than you may think. They go deeper underground with contact.

Thanks, Maybe2late

Thats pretty much what I thought but wanted confirmation, I may have been getting to be too good of friends with OMW, that did make my wife very mad, but I did cut it off. We went out the one time because OMW wanted to get out of the house and show her husband she was trying to move on. Probably a big mistake on my part. Got to say it's kinda funny when the shoe is on the other foot and the cheaters react the way they do. Well learning from my mistakes everyday. My wife still talking about maybe leaving even though the A maybe over, she states that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and needs to sort somethings out. Wife has been in and out of the house several times in the last 8 months. Well Thanks again for your help.

ME BH 40 - WW 40
1 kid 13 years old
DDAY April 13th
Trying to recover, hope is fading fast.

Before you end contact with the OMW, I would VERIFY that the affair has ended. Are you snooping on her and watching her every move?

Oh, so she does not want to work on the marriage?

I'll be honest with you I am not sure whether she wants to try and make the marriage work or not. She is so confused and angry all the time, it is very tough to talk to her. She also uses our neighbors house (two gay women) as an escape from me. I work from home alot and she stays gone a majority of the time, when I'm home.

Also very tough to watch her every move as she is a flight attendant and is gone often. She is off the next 7 days so we'll see what happens.

Contact with the OMW is still an option, although my wife says she does not want to open up to me about anything because she thinks I go back and tell the OMW everything we discuss. I still think this maybe a red flag that the A is deep undercover now.

The OMW has filed for divorce but still wants to follow his/her every move. Well GTG thanks for your input.

Why don't you turn up your snooping in other ways, and quit with the OMW? ARE you doing any other snooping? I'm not sure that the OMW is going to be privy to much useful info for you anymore, anyway...esp. if she is divorcing him.

surv, what kind of snooping do you have in place? Does she have a laptop that you could place a keylogger on? Do you look at her cell phone bill?

I do think the main reason she wants you to stop talking to OMW is because she may have gone further underground. I would continue to compare notes [but not date her!] but just keep it to yourself.

I have no way of snooping on her at this time, she does not have a laptop and I do not have access to her cell phone detail. I really am not sure what to do now, except wait and see. I will continue to talk to OMW from time to time. The OMW has filed for divorce but I think that was her way of actually trying to scare her husband because she still wants to keep tabs on him. I have not heard from OMW for a week now, so I am hoping no news is good news. The kicker here is the OM is a Pilot and can call from a calling card any time without his wife knowing, so snooping is impossible with these two.

surviving, did you expose the affair? What about the OMW? Did she expose it? Does the airline have rules about workplace affairs?

S40:

You state this:



Not so. Mel can help, as well as others.

You can put a voice activated microphone in her car, and listen to what's happening.

Why do you not have access to her cellphone records?

Being a flight attendent offers ample time for the A to thrive. Haven't you exposed this to the airline? Do they work together?

My A lasted 4.5 years. So I know how to hide. Your wife is a rookie.

Have you Plan A'ed yet? Do you know what that is?

Now on to you:

What are your Wifes's top three Emotional Needs?

What are your's?

And time to establish some boundaries.

One of them could be that she stays in the house.

No going to the neighbors house. Certainly, they are offering her huge amounts of emotional support to your W. Much that is probably not in your favor. Just an assumption on my part.

Have you attempted to have 15 hours a week of Undivided Attention with her?

Order His Needs, Her Needs, (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA) from this website today. Don't go to the bookstore, they may be out of stock and then you are losing valuable time.

And, stick around. Your story is unique, but it follows the same script.

Yes, the OMW did expose the affair, but it still continued. I have kept it more quite, but many of our friends know as we had common friends with the OM. Exposing this to her work would be a waste of time, people in her business are mostly single and could really careless, matter of fact I bet most of her work buddies already know. I doubt that either my wifes airline or the OM work have any rules concerning affairs, since this is not a work related affair.

I would rather lose her than go around exposing it to everyone, just my feelings.

S, why would you not expose the affair if it might help you save your marriage? Affairs THRIVE on secrecy and exposure is one of the most potent tools you have to kill it. NOT exposing the affair only makes you an ENABLER. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. It is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in an audience. Who wants to smoke crack when everyone is watching?

This affair has been allowed to go on this long because it has been KEPT SECRET. Did you know that?

Do you want to save your marriage?

surviving, will you go read this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

She will not give me access to her phone records I have had them in the past.

As far as keeping her in the house, it is tough to cage a wild animal, and that is what I have been dealing with. Things do appear to be breaking, as her attitude is changing. I will do the best I can to snoop, mic is a good idea. She would leave in a minute if I make demands concerning cell phone detail and keeping her in the house so that is not a good idea. Demands can chase a person very quickly, especially somebody as confused and hurt as her.

I do need to try plan A again need to try harder it is tough to stay with.

Just an FYI - my wifes affair has been going on for four years so she is a pro at hiding things and the OM is even better than her.