AB,

Agreed that if the WS isn't willing to own it, no point in trying. My post makes that point.

My IL's history makes a case for reconciliation after multiple affairs:

Married in 1950, My FIL had (yet another) affair in 1959. MIL caught him and divorced him. FIL married his affair partner, and actually adopted her daughter during their marriage of 7 years. MIL stayed in PLAN A for the whole time FIL was with the OW - I just cannot believe she could do this, but she did.

That marriage broke up with a divorce (I think the OW was having an affair - not positive). FIL came back to MIL. They remarried in 1967, and are still together today - 40 years later.

So I have to say that if we are willing to be open, and accept a remorseful heart, and be willing to forgive, it IS possible to recover relationships.

Be willing to be extraordinary.

P.S.

My spouse has cheated multiple times as well.

1975
1979
2005

And I suspect other times that he is not willing to admit. Yet.

Well, perhaps BHINWI's ex thought relationships were basically disposable. I know Keith didn't.

Schoolbus, please keep in mind, some of us here on the DV and After DV boards are a little sensitive about our divorces, especially sensitive to lectures about taking marriage and/or divorce lightly.

Most of us spent months, if not years, on GQII and EN before our divorces. Some of us, like me filed after a big struggle. Others were served papers by their spouse. And even when we've accepted the divorce and healed and wouldn't go back for all the money in China, that doesn't mean we didn't put in the effort and time and heartache. We did.

Probably, you didn't mean anything personally. As I said, it's just that some of us are a little sensitive.

I didn't mean that anyone here took divorce lightly. Maybe that his spouse did, that society does, yes. That the general view in our world has changed so much, yes, and that it is sad to me.

That so much is disposable, and that people just don't see the work that marriage takes as "worth it" anymore.

I'm talking in generalities, not specifically to Keith, or you, but in terms of the world.

But also he was asking about reconciliation. And reconciliation means that you have to believe in redemption, in the idea that things are salvageable - that just because there once was a stain, it may still have value.

That it is worth the work.

That you don't want to throw away that dress because once you remove the stain it still is good - even though you remember that there once was a stain there.

I just know so many people who remove the stain, and throw the dress out anyway. (Literally, I have a neighbor who did this!)

I don't get that.

His thoughts about reconciling, his hopes. Yes, I support those hopes. Because MAYBE someday, IF his exW comes around and she has figured it out, is remorseful, is willing to work, understands that she nuked his heart, and knows what it would take, and

HE IS WILLING

well, yes, reconciliation is possible.

Because people are redeemable. I have to believe that, because the alternative, well, I can't think about it.

That's great they are back together and hopefully happy.Quite a story though.I know personally I would not be waiting around for 7 years for my ex to come back.Not sure if that was really the case but I would definitely be on to someone else.I will never take my ex back.It's just not possible for me emotionally or otherwise.I can say for certain.

I think if Keiths' ex were open herself,to the possibility of a better marriage with him again,it may work.I don't hear that she is though.The crux of any recovery is two,working together,admitting to the choices they make and basically living and healing a certain way that I find many WS's are not capable of.They don't deal with the underlying issues that lead them to make the choice to cheat.They want to skim over that part or avoid it all together.

Anyway,cheers to you and your H! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes,this is very true and it was my case.So,I am sensitive too when I feel a veneer on some posts that make you feel that maybe if you tried longer,harder,had all the planets aligned,did this or that better,you too could make it.

That is a guilt trip I don't want to see anyone place on a BS when it comes to adultery.I worked so hard on my marriage too,alone.I waited,I did the plans,I redid the plans,more time,exhaustion,heartache and loss.

If you are lucky enough to save your marriage or have that blessing return to you again one day,terrific.For many of us though,we do not have that opportunity and it's to no fault of our own.We do have a life to live and a chance to find happiness again.

Not suggesting you are like this SB,just another observation on the topic.

Sometimes it is possible. Sometimes it is too late because too much damage has been done. When love turns to deep hatred for example. Or when values are so different. Or when there has been abuse.

Humans may be redeemable in the cosmic sense of the word, but that doesn’t mean all relationships are, even if both people want to reconcile. Just my experience.

I tend to talk in the "cosmic" sense most of the time.

Drives my FWH nuts!

I guess that's the price he has to pay, huh?

There's no way I could Plan A for seven years either. I don't have the patience for it, or that kind of stamina.

I keep checking over on this board for a new member. One who happens to be trying to reconcile his marriage from a very recent divorce.

Odd that this particular thread is here.

I'm learning, thanks everyone.

SB

Schoolbus,

I am not offended by your comments. I agree that we live in a disposable society and that seems to include marraige.

What I have learned is it takes commitment from 2 to make a marraige work. Not just when things are good, but when they are bad. I believe from the bottom of my heart, that 2 people can overcome ANY obstacle if they BOTH work together. When one of the 2 refuse to work on the marraige, then there is not much hope.

I believe in forgiveness if someone trully shows remorse...

I have learned boundaries in the last 2 1/2 years. My X stepped over the boundaries 4 times and I let her do that to me. I just thought if she did not want to talk about it or seek counseling, it would pass. I have learned all problems in life need to be addressed or they don't go away. If I get in another relationship with someone that does not show commitment, I will leave that relationship without any hesitation.

When the time is right, I hope to find someone that can give me as much love as I give her.

Keith