okay Techie... you run with it then.

Good for you.
I suggest you do it again though, the formal way, unless both
- your email was as fully "goodbye" as my suggested letter
- you have a copy of what you sent, to show your husband.

(but for goodness' sake, dont make the mistake of contacting OM to ask for a copy back!)


Doing it the full formal way will help you. it will help your husband. it will help the OM and his wife.

this is my advice...as i posted earlier

if the time should come to address SF...consider this and tuck it away in case it should be needed

maybe you could let him know that your personality is such that you are always the assertive one and that when it comes to SF you think you would feel more feminine and more romantic if you could let that go and let HIM take on that role

i don't know if i'm explaining it right but IF you get to that point at some time, you've got to address it for you to be satisfied but you've got to do it in a way that won't hurt

Hmmm.... Eav, i'm not sure that "more romantic" is exactly her motivating factor here. It doesnt sound like it to me, at least. If it isnt, then lets be clear that she should use the actual feelings to her, rather than "more romantic".

(i'm butting in and pointing this out, because it seems apparent that "more romantic" is what *he* is looking for. just reminding her that it wouldnt be a good idea to frame something in a way that seemingly meets his needs, when it might not)

I love you guys! Wish I had more time to weigh-in on the discussion... On the SF issue - I'm a pretty little chick - and I think H was afraid of "hurting" me - because he's that guy - which is really sweet and all but I don't break! have tried to tell him this on a number of occassions...but that bridge is a LONG ways off - i don't think I'll worry about crossing it yet. Tell you what - he decides to give it a go - I'll come back and ask about the SF issue, deal?

Intimacy and my running from it. Hmmmm that is intriguing. What does that mean exactly? I am def not great at "letting people in" - can I hear more about this?

Two questions for you?

Were you ever sexually assualted?
Did you have an absent (physically or emotionally) father?

Ummm, wow, Ok, yes to #1 on a "date" in high school H knows about this...never got counseling - I know, big red flag...

#2, my dad is shall we say strict? But he is my daddy, when I was home at Christmas I snuggled up to him while we watched basketball... I wouldn't say emotionally unavailable, but he certainly deals with issues from a logical perspective first. He and I are very much alike, as is my sister - my mom comments on it all the time. And he (my dad) has said to me before, "Maybe we raised you and your sister to be a little too independant."

Helpful?

Yes, very helpful. And no, not a big red flag... it helps understand you.
And as far as your dad goes... it also helps explain a lot.
I would make a point to talk to your IC about these things. They both have substance in your current way of thinking.
Lostsheep... you may have perceived an unwillingness on my part to help you in your first posts... but I am here to do just that. I don't offer help to those willing to betray or hurt others... but those that need help doing the right thing, I will stand by them... no matter the letters we assign to them (BS, FWS, WS). You have a lot of work to do and I think you are up to the task.
Remember the willingness to lean on others does not show weakness... in fact it shows courage. Because there is nothing more scary than being in love and being rejected. Slowly, you will find in you the courage to be vulnerable...of that I am sure.

HELP!!! H just called and his GF is caling me because she al of a sudden feels like a homewrecker and H wants ME to reassure her that she's not. I'm confused!! He doesn't want me to tell her we've been talking or that he was at my house last night talking - he doesn't want me to tell her I want to reconcile...

Jeez - now I'm the OW?? Seriously???!!!
WTF? ;

OW is a homewrecker. Don't downplay her role. She wants you to appease her guilt.

Do NOT take OW's calls. Let the police know a person is calling you and harassing you. File an RO against her if you have enough proof. Call the police for it.

The fact that the WS doesn't want you to tell the OW he has been to your home shows they are each up to no good.

Stay out of that triangle.

L.

No, no I AM THE WS!!! He left and has a girlfriend and he wants me to tell her we are not trying to reconcile - but I am and we have talked as recently as last night and what I WANT to say is, "actually I am doing everything in my power and asking for God's help to fix myself so I can attempt to rebuild with H", but if I say THAT H is going to be p.o.'d !

Your H's GF is insecure. Let your ex know that while you don;t want to hurt him... YOU WILL NOT BE PARTY TO A LIE!!! He should not be lying to her at all. You need to act with integrity even if it makes your H angry. Do not be part of a lie. And shame on him for even asking you to do this.

A thought here and I may be way off, but take the call.

Don't play her games or his. Let OW know that you two were together and have been talking. Play it up some. Oh, dear H said this.... or that.....

Let OW see that WH has not been telling her truth and that you two are still an "item".


My 2 cents

Oh I see now.

Let OW know that you two are working on getting back togther. He is your H so why lie about it? Who the He)) is she anyway???

M2L.... while I do not think she should lie... she has NO right to interject herself into a life that she willingly left. If he wants her back that will be his call. They have been apart for a year and are weeks away from a divorce. She had a four year affair. I think it was okay that he was getting on with his life.... including dating if he decided to do so. BUT he has no right to lie to the GF.... none.
Lostsheep... one day and look at the trouble this is causing. My point early on was to work on you and you alone. If your H is available when you have completed your work and are ready to try again... then I say have at it. But please do not involve yourself in this mess right now.

And for anyone that thinks it is okay for her to bust right in... imagine she does so and then goes back to the OM tomorrow (which she said could happen if he called). Her soon to be ex BH deserves more respect than that.

What's the matter? He lost his pants....again? Dumb WS. Don't talk to the OW. She is toxic. Let her 'wonder' about you. It will drive her nuts and that is a good thing. LOL!!!

The quieter you are the harder it will be for their A.

L.

See the problem you are going to have here Lostsheep is that people will try and convince you that your H is having an A. He is not. They are suggesting that you treat him like a WS.....follow that advice and you will lose him forever. No doubt in my mind.

I was gong off her last post. She called out on the board for help. I guess I needed more background first.

my bad and I'm out of this thread.

Best luck to all

I know, it's a mess... and I want to (finally) act with some integrity here... but I have finally made some in-roads with H and don't want to burn that... jeez, I am considering lying to GF to keep H hapy so he might decided to reconcile with me, the FWS... who answered the "what if" question about Om wrong! Can you say DISASTER??!!!

Maybe she won't call....

If you are part of a lie that shows no integrity. Show your H that you have character now. Doing this will be a HUGE mistake! Please take care of this before she even calls. It is not right and you would not want to be treated like this.
It is just plain wrong.