I found out my STBXW had an affair on me a while back, maybe 5 months ago. Once I found out, I had hopes of trying to make things work out for us, all until I found out that even though she told me it was over, it really wasn't. I no longer had any further interest in her, just deep hatred for her, and her friends.

Since then, I filed for D, then moved out. Upon opting for the do it yourself D, I gave her almost every earthly posession we had, 90 percent of the furniture, most everything she wanted, I let her keep her stocks, her money, when we split up the money, I gave her way more than I got. The only thing I wanted, was major custody of the children, both under 6, which she agreed to.

The problem I seem to be having, is that since we have started sharing the kids, I have started learning things about her that bother me. I have learned that she is lying to her family and friends about me, trying to paint me as the villian, and her as the saint. They do not know about her A to my knowledge. All I have done since this whole thing started was try to be the best person I could be. I try not to twist things when talking about her to my family and friends, I try to work with her on things, and the nicer I am to her, the meaner she is to me.

It is so tempting to be mean back at her, IMHO, she's not a very good mother. I really try my hardest to be there for my kids, I make sure they are fed, clean, happy, toys, the works for them. I get them back from her place, filthy, dirty, and wearing the exact same clothes, only a lot dirtier than when I sent them in.

My D will be final very soon. Why do I feel like I should be out partying it up. At 34 years old, i don't want to party anymore. I did enough of that when I was in my teens and early 20s... yet, I hear stories of her, and her partying she does, the drinking she does, and I almost feel like I am not doing something I should do.

Why in the last few months, has this high road I have tried very hard to stay on, to be the better person, be the best Dad I can be for my kids, been so blasted impossible to stay on. In trying to be better than her, I almost feel like it has made me an easier person for her to take advantage of...

Am I making sense, or am I just crazy.

It's obvious (from what you've written here anyway) that the best place for the children is with you. Your children's interests must be paramount at this time.

Are you saying that you are wondering whether or not to proceed in a legal way before your D is final to limit her time (and influence) with the children?

Do you want to reconcile at all or are you done?

What is the custody agreement now?

Is she paying child support?

You, my friend are living in reality...yes, it is hard...but the payoff is great...perhaps also hard to understand right now...

DO you feel the need to drink your pain away? To hide behind alcohol, to drink yourself happy...to run from your actions...to live in a fantasy world...

Sounds to me like your not...sounds to me like you are very centered in reality...

Like some of the others would say "She's been taken by the aliens and lives on the mother ship!"

It will be so sad when she comes to terms with what she has done...one day she will...I would recommend talking to believer...her story is proof that they come down from the clouds...all in good time...

Until then, my friend, you keep taking that high road...I would recommend reading "Hinds' Feet in High Places", you can find it on amazon...

It helped me greatly...to be honest, it was a great turning point for me...

best wishes and take care!

RS... In reality, I really don't want to have to take the custody battle to court. In the state in which I live, more specifically, the county I am in is very VERY pro mother. You almost have to be Christ himself in order for the judge to even consider the fact that a man could indeed be a better parent than someone with ovaries. Right now, I have the kids 4 nights a week, the last 2 months, has been 5 nights a week. Even though I have the kids most of the time, I pay her child support, and she only has them an average of 2 nights a week. Oh, and reconciliation is a thing of the past for me. I respect a lot of the things on this site, but I am just one of those people that when the trust was betrayed, I wasn't getting past that. The next time she would have been late getting home, I would be thinking to myself I just hope she used a condom.

Rinder, I have quit drinking since this whole thing started. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything, just a casual drinker, but since what happened to me happened, I wanted to ensure I kepy myself in check. I live in the best world I can make for myself. I live the cash life... if I cannot afford it, I don't buy it. I have been able to pay my debt down by staying at home a lot, shopping smartly, and watching what I spend. Her, she is in debt up to her eyeballs, yet still has money enough to party it up. I feel no need to go out like her.

Your parents and your ILs know that you are D'ing, but they don't know why???

Honestly, my parents and family know about her A, and know the truth about our D. Her family and friends have been told that I am abusive, and that we just decided to D, just because we no longer were in love. They know very little, if nothing at all about the truth.

I think her affair needs to be exposed to her family and friends personally.

mlhb

How long ago was D-Day for you? They should have been exposed to the truth if she continued to actively involve herself in the A after D-Day. Even if she didn't, and you decided to D, they should have been made aware for the reasons why you decided to D.

Kuky...

This feels wrong to you, because it IS wrong...Yes, tell her family the truth! Why in the world would you allow yourself to be painted as the bad guy and let the infidels legitimize their ADULTERY??? IMO, this is an issue of self respect...Do not just bend over and take it with a smile...how very degrading...

Why are you paying her child support when you have more custody? Please explain how that makes any sense whatsoever?

I am certain that your children are being exposed to OM and God only knows what else!!! You are the only sane and rational parent that they have...Why aren't you protecting them from this??? Do you want them to grow up thinking that adultery is right??? That is the message that they are receiving when you stand silently by and do NOTHING, btw...

This is NOT the high road at all...I certainly can understand your not wishing to continue in the marriage, but I can't for the life of me understand why you aren't standing up for yourself and your children in the face of blatant evil...

Mrs. W

I really don't understand your responses here. I want as little to do with her as I can... what good would exposure to her family to, other than to anger her and make the situation worse? It almost seems vidictive, and no good could come of it. Frankly, I am waiting for the D to be final. I am terrified of losing my kids to her, I have them most of the time, and I do not want to risk losing them, and until the D is final, all she has to do is change her mind and want to fight for the kids, and I get to see them what, EOW or so. I'd much rather kill myself than become a EOW dad. Here, and in this wonderful justice system we have, she could walk in the courtroom, shoot up right there in front of the judge, and she would still be seen as the better parent, all because the fact I was born male and not female.

Kuky,

We are in the same sitch -
I hear what you are saying about the custody.
My state is the same way - even with shared custody the guy gets stuck with the burden of childsupport even if he has the children the majority of the time - go figure?

But thats not the point --

You need to make the best case for taking custody of the kids - this means that you need to set aside your feelings of not wanted to hurt your WS.

This is for the kids

I am struggleing with the same issue but as have let go of the FEAR I am bettter able to deal with the actions I must take.

Read the thread about Fear it will help ..

Well, Kuky...If that is what you want I wish you the best...

You take care of those kids...I hope that you retain custody of them...Are you documenting the partying and other things that she is doing?

What are your odds of keeping the kids and being the primary care taker?