I am switching columns to generate more traffic. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks. I recently found out that my wife of 17 years is now a WW. I happened across some emails, and could not believe what I read. She has never talked that way to me in years. I wish she was doing the things to me that she was doing to the OM.

They say "I have never loved anyone like this." "I wish I had met you years ago." "You are my soulmate." They talk constantly of their plans of their new life together. This has been going on for about 4 months.Recently she told me she was moving out, out of the blue. She told me the standard "I love you but I'm not in love with you," "I really never have loved you," "I don't know why I ever married you." Citing stupid and minor reasons of why she should have left me in the past. When the time came to move, she decided to stay. It seems that there was a snag on the other end, OM, who is married also. However, the contact has not stopped. But there is now also now a co-worker that she had one non-intercourse encounter, and they are planning to do more soon.

I was blind to what was going on. I assumed she was just having her annual bout of Autumnal/winter depression. In hindsight, how could I have missed the signs? New clothes, hairdo, working out with a passion. No affection, coldness and indifference towards me. She also was carrying her cell with her everywhere. It didn't seem odd, because she travels, and is always in contact with customers. I now notice it does not leave her side, and she is very secretive about who is calling, and who she is constantly texting. I know who now.

I am a SAHD with 2 kids, 10 and 7. I don't smoke, do drugs, carouse bars, am non-violent loving father. I also love my wife very much. I have NEVER been unfaithful in our marriage, and am so hurt by this I am in total disbelief.

I have read about plan A and have been a stellar performer for 4 weeks. It is hard to do when you know what is being done to me! I have asked her several times, but she has not admitted to the A. I just sent an email to OMW, about their A, I did not here back from her, but I opened a hornets nest with the WW. She is out of town, but asked me about it. I have admitted to nothing, just as she has done.

I need some advice now on what to do when she gets home in a few days. The "false love" how are you doing phone calls to me have stopped cold. Did I do the right thing? Reading the forumns it says exposure is key. I hope I didn't push her out the door. I am also planning to confront the co-worker in two weeks with what I know, and tell him to stay away from WW. Is that a good idea? Or should I just call his wife first?

Please, board sages, help me with my confusion. Sorry for the ramble, it is hard to write through a river of tears.

Blind

Post Extras:

Mark1952
Member


Reged: 06/26/06
Posts: 172
Loc: Illinois Re: Did I Ruin My Chance? [Re: BlindinTexas]
#3188861 - 02/15/07 09:51 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Let me just say this in answer to your question...No, you did not ruin your chance! You improved your chances more than you will ever know. Exposure is your best tool for putting pressure on the A to try to end it. As for this 2nd OM from work; I wouldn't confront him directly, at least not without witnesses (also called "backup"). Seriously, unless he is the main problem, don't spend a lot of energy on him.

Work on a good Plan A and do what you can to win her back by your actions. Avoid trying to fix what has happened by talking about it all the time. You can't get her to fall at your feet and beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again by discussing it with her. A WS doesn't understand logic and can not be swayed by reason. Make being with you comfortable instead of something she wants to avoid.

Once the A is over and she has completed withdrawal, that is the time to begin discussion about how to "fix it" and even then, you need to have a real life first and work on it all second.

Yes, you did the right thing by letting OMW know that her marriage was in danger. Your WW is not happy about it, but she was already unhappy, right?

If you haven't already done so, try to get a copy of Surviving An Affair from this site or other place. I found one at my local library. Read it; study it! You may also want to read His Needs/Her Needs, but you could start with the Emotional Needs questionnaire from this site. Also look into Fall In Love/Stay In Love.

Be sure you know what to expect so that you don't have to react to everything she says and does. If you have a Plan and execute it properly, it will be working even when you don't see that it is.

If you haven't already read top few posts pinned to the top of this forum, do so. The info contained in them has much value.

If you don't get enough responses here, you can start a thread on the GQII forum. The traffic there is about a thousand times what it is here.

Sorry you are here, but it is a great place to be right now.

Mark

--------------------
Married Since 1973
D-Day May 12 2006
Me - 54 W - 51

Still working...
Still hoping...
Still praying...

Edited by Mark1952 (02/15/07 09:53 PM)

Post Extras:

BlindinTexas
Junior Member


Reged: 02/15/07
Posts: 2
Re: Did I Ruin My Chance? [Re: Mark1952]
#3188983 - 02/16/07 08:59 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Mark-

Thanks for the reply. It will be extremely helpful to be amember of a community that can understand and guide someone with these problems. I don't have any family to turn to, and am new to this area, with no friends to confide in. That makes it especially hard for me. I will post over in the GIIQ forumn.

One question to you, the plan to expose OM2 would be to a pre-emptive strike to cut off any more damage before that A starts. I have email that details their upcoming meeting, and "activities" planned after. What would be the best way to handle?

BIT

Welcome BT,

Sorry you have to be here.


First off your wife is going to be SO PI55ED at you for telling OHW. She will say things like"I was going to work on our M until you told her. Now we are done." This is crap - we call it FOG talk around here. You need to talk to OMW, not just an email. You two can call each other with details and if contact is still on going. You help each other out this way.

You should also call the co workers wife and talk to her. Tell her what her H is doing at work.

NC has to take place before any real recovery can start.


You did the RIGHT thing, but don't wait to expose to anyone and don't tell them ahead of time that you are going to do it.


**don't let your wife know that you are here right now. She will feel ganged on up and not trust anyting you say***

Look at Flybabyamy's thread. She is a little ahead of you time wise on the exposure thing.

Exposure is key and it sounds as if you are on top of this aspect. Also, expose to co workers Wife the Emotional Affair (at least?) that your WW is having with co worker and any documentation you have. This will likely nip it in the bud.

I have to ask this even though I personally have no problem whatsoever with the arrangement. What is the deal with you being the SAHD? Are the men (OM and co-worker) you WW is/has pursued successful business men, powerful positions, make a lot of money, etc? If so I wonder if she has lost respect for you even though the two of you likely agreed that you would take care do the children and manage the household (which for the record is a lot harder than having a job). Just wondering if you've noticed anything here?

BIT,

I see you moved everything over to GQII. I also see that you are already getting more responses.

If you have emails detailing plans for a new PA between your WW and co-worker, then, yes, expose that too. I would not confront him, but expose the A (still maybe only an EA at this point). Expose to HR, management, whoever can cause stress in the budding romance.

If OM2 is married, let his W know, too. She needs to take action to protect herself. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that you can "protect" others from the pain and fallout of the A. Since an A thrives on secrecy, exposure is the BEST way to cause its demise. It does not guarantee success at ending an A, but is better than not exposing and allowing it to continue in secret.

As already stated, exposure should be swift, complete and overwhelming. Do not tip off the culprits that you intend to expose. If you do so, they will have time to prepare to "spin" the truth in an effort to prevent the truth from harming their R. Most often this is done by preemptively telling people that you have become a psycho-dysfunctional-nut-case who is having hallucinations. Your exposure of the truth will then go unheeded, since those you are telling will have been forewarned that you will be in contact about the "imaginary" A. It will also drive the A partners closer together in an effort to defend their actions. Do NOT ever threaten to expose to get a specific response. Simply expose because it is your best hope to win the war. Just beware that you are ready to cope with the storm of hatred/venom-spewing/hurtful attacks that will ensue. She WILL give you h377 for sharing her secret with others, but it is still the right thing to do.

Remember to try to know what will happen next so that you are not running for help every 30 seconds based on what she says or does in response to what you are doing. You must have a game-plan and execute it. Act rather than react!

Mark

HopeandPray-

Thanks for you concern. The OM #1 is an old customer(not current), no connection until a trade/industry convention in Fall 06. The OM2 is a co-worker from another region. they hooked up at the end of Jan. at the Company Nat'l Sales Meeting, and have corresponded about desires, and are meeting with a mutual customer in a few weeks.

It was agreed upon by us that I stay home. I gave up my career, which was not as lucrative. Her postion is much travel but great pay, but that leaves little time for parenting, etc. I do the parenting, cleaning, and all other family aspects. I am the person to discipine, no violence, some yelling(I have corrected this!) When WW comes home there is no backup of my rules, etc, just undermines what I do. I sometimes think, like you said, that there is little respect for me.I just would get a funny feeling about it. But she always heaps major accolades on me when others would discuss our situation.That all has changed the last several months.

Well, at least one thing is true....you are in a great position to get custody of your children, alimony, child support, etc in the event she doesn't remove her head from her rear end. You need to document all of this just in case (names, dates, suspicions, proof, etc).

I would immediately share information with OM #2 wife so that she can protect her marriage from your WW and her WH.

What would happen if you told her that you were going back to pursuing your career? By the way, a lot of travel is usually hard on a M and exposes weaker people to many temptations and awkward situations. Could she get something with less travel involved. Would she change places of employment in order to establish NC with co worker, customer?

One problem is my career was in niche industry which is not available where we are located. I have been recently thinking about just getting a job to clear my mind of whats going on. The only drawback is that my children would be alone sometimes, and that is something I can't handle. There is no one around us that can assume some of the duties.

She was working in house, and got tired of the office politics, and wanted to get back on the road. This never had been a problem before. The OM1 is not one of her customers, not in her territory, but they make themselves available for each other. The OM2 is someone that she rarely has contact with, but after their recent 1-nighter, the have made plans to progress the A.

Maybe my problem was having complete trust in her. It is now obvious she had issues, but what just grinds me is she didn't have the courage/desire/faith/love/trust to discuss this with me.
I am the typical guy I guess, you need to spell it out for me. That would've helped me immensely. Instead I was bashed over the head with a Louisville Slugger and left to fend for myself.

She has not admitted to anything yet, but that meeting is approaching in a half day or so. I am indebted to all who have posted ideas and suggestions for me so far, you have even in this early stage, helped get some sanity. For that I am grateful. Please forgive my rambling, and keep the advice flowing.

BIT

What are some responses I can use to combat the WW's reaction to me exposing the A? I am sure she will use as much hurtful verbage as one can. I just need to be prepared for calm, Plan A-type rebuttal.

BIT

Your wife will claim you went behind her back, snooping on her and even that you were lying. Some have even accused the BS of haveing an A.

You tell her that your are trying to save your M.

You did not go behind her back all you did was reveal her secrecy.

She will tell you that your nuts and make all this up. You tell her that you know the truth and you are working to save your M.

She may tell you that your ended OM M because of what you did. You tell her that you only informed OMW of what he is doing and that the outcome of their M is up to them.

Your wife will get pi55ed at you, but she will get over it in time.

Have you looked at flybabyamy's thread? She exposed a few days ago and you can read what her H told her. She even has an update to on a new thread.

Just let her response roll off your back. It doesn't mean anything, really. Heck, mine said "If I ever contact the OM again it will be your funeral!". I'm still here.

She will be angry and yell and scream and say things like "Any chance of reconciliation is now over because of what you did!!".

All fog-speak.

She will get over it, too.

DF,

You have learned well, Grasshopper!

Mark

So is this meeting today or tmrw ? Anyway you can head it off at the pass. Perhaps a visit or trip to visit "mommy" with the kids? Bring lunch, supper or something?

Is this meeting at a off-site location ? out of state ?

Just some thoughts. Intervention can be a good thing - sometimes clears the fog for a moment. Just a first step before the affair really takes off.

Rw-

The meeting is out of state, at a major customer. I don't have final dates yet. Not possible to drop in on it, though. I am glad people are always thinking of ways to help. I really feel welcome by all of you.

The WW is coming home late tonight. She has not called for 3 days, since she asked me about the exposure. I KNOW she is PI55ED! I said I didn't know anything, but am sure she knows it was me. I am not going to admit it until she comes clean about the A. She has been lying to me for who knows how long. It is both excitng and gut-wrenching at the same time. Not the kind of excitement I search for, though. When I confront her, I am hesitant to show the email proof, since that will plug my info source.

Any ideas?

It is funny, well not really funny, but bizarre the range of emotions I have right. They say love and hate are very similar, I feel them both right now. LOVE that I always had and have for my W and family. HATE for what my WW is doing/has done to me and my family. And Hate for the two married P.O.S. adulterers that are contributing to the ruin of my family. Right now it is very hard to feel any forgiveness in my heart. And it is hard to lose the feeling of being a doormat.

Last brainstorm.

As I think about what has occurred, I think that there are self-esteem issues to go with her depression issues. On more than one occasion WW would come home from business trips sad that "no one" pays any attention to her, or "they always hit on my friends." I would always say good, because you got me. Which never seemed to bring a joyful response. There are also appearance issues, which I have NEVER complained about. Due to medication WW has put on extra pounds, and thought she was less desirable. To me she always was and still is beautiful. But my compliments were always negated by her saying "you have to say that, you are my husband." I said it because I meant it. She always asks why do I love her, which I think was kind of odd. Now I am asking myself that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

She has recently told me that her depression is because of me. I'm thinking this is fog-talk, because it was said durind the present A. I have tried to get her to go back and reevalute her meds, but "that is because of you." "I have never felt so good in my life, when I decided to leave you.

One thing that helps me somewhat cope is the fact the OM is the splitting image of "Lumpy Rutherford" from 'Leave it to Beaver." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BIT,

I think you are making a mistake by not telling your WW the truth about your having exposured to OMW.

You have nothing to hide.

When you exposed did you give your name to OMW? Did you send her any proof of the A?

Who else can you expose to?

You are 100% correect about the A being about her and NOT you.

Also, start documenting everything...especially the fact that she hasn't called home to check on the kids for three days.

Hang in there.

You WILL make it.

Also, here's a list of Do's and Don't's that Mr. W brought here...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP


~ Marsh

Well, WW just came home from work trip. Missed her plane last night(?), and flew home this morning. She walked in said hi to the kids and dog, but of course not me. I said hi. WW complained about the roses I had for her were dying. (They have been sitting for 3 days no fooling) WW "said she liked" the card I gave, with small personal plan-A type note.

I asked her about her trip. WW exploded on me. She told me why should I tell you, you don't trust me anyway. (I had complete trust until very recently). I told her I sent the email to OMW, and she said "how dare you do that." "You are ruining someones life." I replied, "He is ruining my family." "I am trying save my family and my marriage."

WW said, "why do you think what you did(exposure) would save our M?" " I was planning on leaving you before the A, anyway." I just said again "I am trying to save my family."
WW said, "leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you."

WW told me I don't know anything by just credit card receipts and phone bills,(I never said I had phone bills, her cell phone is thru work, so I have no access anyway) and I said, "I know more than you think." WW did not admit to anything, and probably won't. I could tell by her actions that the exposure stuck a nerve. I hope that P.O.S. OM is not lying his way out on his end She was STEAMING. WW asked the kids if they want to see a movie, they said no, and she stormed off by herself. That is where we stand now.

One more quick item while I am able to monitor.

Should I press the WW for a confession, or just let it go? I am confused on this point.

BIT

MM-

I just told WW it was me who exposed. I did not give my name to OW, but there was info in there that only I could know. WW knew that, but I denied, because it was over the phone.

I did not give proof. I am trying to figure out a way to supply emails, without letting on that is where I got the most ACCURATE and DAMAGING info. I don't want to "shut down this pipeline." Any ideas?

No, don't waste your energy trying to get her to confess. You KNOW she is and that's all that matters.


Right! You don't want to shut down the "pipeline", but you DO want OMW to BELIEVE you so she will keep putting pressure on OM to keep away from your WW.

OM in all likelihood lied to his W about the A.

Continue spying and documenting and hopefully you'll be able to share something w/ her. Hopefully she'll do some spying and find proof on her end, but OMW can be a great ally to you in breaking up this A.

Also, don't worry about your WW's anger.

It is exactly what all WS do when their trashy A's are exposed to the light of day.

The angrier she is the more effective it was.

Sounds like you handled it very well.

Hang in there....you are doing great!

~ Marsh