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Joined: Oct 2000
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this has bugged me

[color:"green"] parents staying together JUST for the sake of the kids [/color]

and Eve's post brought it all home ...

YES
it is FINE to stay together
"JUST" for the sake of the kids

but you do MORE than "sit_ stay" ... like a dog behaving it's master

you do whatever it takes for as long as it takes

to make it work

and Becca .... if you get scared "it won't work out" so you bail out now ... this will be a SLAP to the faces of your children ... it is TOUGH to recover

YES
you stay "just" for the kids at first ... because that is your job ... to make your family safe/intact/emotionally whole

I stayed "just" for the kids at first .... now they are big kids (20 & 17) ... and I "stay" because ~~~> I am a MARRIED WOMAN ... I know who I am ... a MARRIED WOMAN.... do you know who you are?

Pep

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Divorce is not something people will easily advocate here, so understand, you may not get many people telling you that it's okay to give up, not yet.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need"


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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i do hope it helps MacB

i guess it's my life's story.....the story of lives ruined by A's and D

and the legacy continues

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McB~

I think you need to focus on what your H is doing and not on what he is saying or lack thereof.

He's *there*, he hasn't left and furthermore he's being a father to your baby, (his threats notwithstanding, because imo they are the words of a hurt man.. his only offense/defense... words).

A man, who you have described as viewing women as obstacles does NOT *do* what he's doing ---> staying w/ the obstacle who is now not only an obstacle, but an obstacle that betrayed him in the worst way. McB, it doesn't add up.

He's still there-- don't fret over why he says he's there. Don't even fret over the fact he says he doesn't know how long he's staying. Again... words.

Until he leaves ---> He's there.

While he's there, this is your golden opportunity to show him by YOUR *doings*, you're there too and you want the M.

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i'm wondering if McB is still around and reading. i hope she's stilltrying to find her way and looking for help instead of giving up

ps

thanks for the kind things you've said about my post

it was very hard for me to write. i hope it gets though to her just how D does effect children

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You've come a long way Eve

thank you for sharing

Pep

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Eav,

I'd also like to thank you for your post. I grew up in a very stable family but since I am now divorced, the effect of divorce on children is very much of interest to me. I found your post very insightful and really appreciate you sharing what must have been very difficult to write about, with us.

Taker Care,

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
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McB, I wanted to let you know I know how you feel about some of the things you are struggling with, only I am 16 months out. My BH is not interested in anything emotionally intimate, and this is not a DJ because he has told me. I so want to be connected with him emotionally, but he thinks that is a "fantasy" or to use his latest reference to it, "a pipe dream". I am not "allowed" to bring up my almost ONS, but he can take the occasional pot shot at me. It is so hard to keep emotionally investing in a M when you get nothing back, or hardly anything.

I too am scared by him just sweeping it under the rug, it will come back out one day. I am scared he is nurturing a tiny little fire of resentment, anger, and entitlement that can so easily be turned into a raging, destructive out of control fire at any time. I don't know what to do about this.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know there is someone else feeling some of the same out here.

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rubydoo,

NO disrepect should be thrown from EITHER one of you in your M! Have you established any boundaries in your life, of the type of behavior that is acceptable toward you, and then enforced them.

I hear the pain that you and McBecca are expressing, but I wonder if you are repeating similar behavior from the M prior the A's. 16 months is a long time to see NO results, especially if you are encorporating the MB principles. REALIZE that neither one of you HAVE to continue going down the path of Marital UNBLISS, but it requires a strong stomach and strong heart to withstand what you MUST do in order to recover. Having an A does not give your respective H's reasons to mistreat you, but it may cause the detachment that you are witnessing.

Plan A them until you can Plan A NO MORE! YOU have to initiate things, take the lead or lead them to the front with you. Why do you feel the need to bring up the ONS, why not just talk about what led YOU to it, not about the deed itself. If your BH doesn't want to talk about it, what purpose does it serve for you to. Discussing the problems is one thing, but reminding him that he didn't matter AT ALL just smarts over and over again, and it keeps the wound FRESH.

Again, I can hear the frustration, but I don't hear whats BEEN DONE to improve YOURSELVES. I've had a lot of self-discovery during the last 2YEARS. I have made some good changes and my patience is much higher these days, AND I'VE SET BOUNDARIES, and am learning how to enforce them.

My TAKER had to be put down in order to begin recovery, and will have to take a back seat to my M.


Me-BS-38
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Divorced April 2009
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Hey SL! When I said I wasn't "allowed" to talk about the ONS, I was not referring to the deed, but anything surrounding, like what led me to it, how I feel about it, what I am doing now to prevent it in the future, what I can do to help him, how he is feeling, etc. He can not even stand the fact that I am in IC.

What I have done to improve myself, well, I've been in IC for almost 3 years now. I have read books. I read here and other support boards. I have figured out what led me to that possible ONS.

I am sure I have let my taker influence me more than I should. I haven't really plan A'ed 100 %, but I have made some changes.

Right now, I am still in self-hate mode. Even after 3 years of IC, I still hate myself so much. I am so disappointed in myself. One of the last times we talked about it, he told me that he hasn't forgiven me and that staying married to me was a joke. But then the next day, it was like that whole conversation didn't take place. He acted like nothing happened, which is how he acts about all of this. The only time he mentions any thing remotely related to this, it is a potshot.

I think I have made some good changes, but I realize I need to make more. It is just so frustrating and seems hopeless when my BH will not get involved. He thinks our marriage is fine, when clearly it is not. I want so much more for us and he thinks what I want is a pipedream.

Sorry to t/j your thread McBecca.

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