ILL - didn't realize you had to move over here until this morning (I haven't been on the board for a week or so). I've been following the lunch saga over in recovery. It looks like your instincts were right about the whole lunch thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I would expose to your children at the minimum. Maybe they can put some pressure on him that he realizes is REALITY. It's worth a try.

Thanks, Hanes.

Today was very tough. My mom is in her last couple of days, probably. Sat with her for hours today, me & H, and she could only stay awake a few seconds at a time and slur out a couple of words that might be interpreted to mean something like "I love you, too."

And I have a dilemma for tomorrow.

DS13 really should be in school Monday, as well as DS22.

I need to stay with my mother and support her now.

H will stay with me if I flat out ask him to, but thinks he should take the boys home.

I'm still not OK with being separated from H at all.
And he has not turned over the cell phone to me. He could go back tomorrow, pull it from his office, and delete or whatever. What makes me so uncomfortable about sending H and the boys home is that there is just so much opportunity for H to go further underground.

Before I decide whether or not to send them home tomorrow, I think I need to see the online account if it can be gotten, and get the voice mail password and listen. I half expect to find torrid current messages and evidence of many minutes and new plans. Which of course would point out further lies. But if there is nothing, then that proves it was deleted! LOL!H can't win,and neither can I.

H has been really sick for a couple of weeks, I have been flogging him without regard to his being sick, and he just collapsed in exhaustion tonight before we could talk about all this.

He's been really sweet, except for when I have been pressing him.

Today I told him, again, in words of one syllable, that I am DONE with accommodating a second secret life in our marriage. That he lets it go, of his own action, or I am DONE. And that I need to see it in action.

He thinks the phone issue is resolved as soon as he gives me the phone, but wants it destroyed or disabled after I have looked at it.

And I am looking for hard evidence of core honesty. Hard to believe, after all of this, that he hasn't already put a new plan together with her.

Priorities 1st. Then divy them out.

1. You be with your mom.
2. H takes care of the children.
3. H bring family t/b with you and your mom when he can.
4. No R talk while you are helping your mom.

RE: You need to be with your mom and your H needs to know what it means to be in your family. Love requires work, not just words and sex.

Let's talk about plan B when you get back, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Limbo,

Right now, you have to concentrate on your mother. And you may not be ready to deal with R issues for some time....but when you are, I want you think of this.

Call this woman's husband.

One of my favorite posts here on MB was by a poster named Takola. It was called something like "I think I'm going to sue Betty Crocker." It was about how she got a cake mix and while she was following the recipe, she realized she didn't have some of the ingredients, so you left some out, made some substitutions etc. In the end....the cake was awful. Some posters responded by saying...."You can't do that! If you don't follow the recipe....you won't get the results you want". And that's when people realized....she wasn't talking about Betty Crocker at all.

For going on two years....this torturous situation has drug on and on. Let's get real....you don't talk to someone for 800 minutes in one month if all you're doing is talking.

When you were told to expose to her husband, work, and your children....you said this:


As it turns out....his work DID find out....and it doesn't sound like they were overly supportive. Your children have been robbed just as you have. And you don't mention this woman's husband AT ALL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> You've known about this for almost 2 years....and you've never told this unsuspecting husband that his wife is destroying two families. The result: That marriage can't heal and neither can yours. No consequence for HER means no learning for her. Your failure to expose this affair to the people....her H, and your grown children....who could actually put pressure on this affair....has helped to enable this affair and cement your life in limbo. It's time to end it chere. It's time to get this done.

You never belonged on the recovery board because your marriage could not recover. You say you value honesty above ALL else....then be honest. Honest to your children. Honest to the other betrayed spouse. Honest to your husband's parents. Honest to your church. Honest to your friends. Shine the light of day....and the light of God on this affair. Stop giving them a corner to hide in.

I will put your mother in my prayers. I was holding my mother's hand when she died....I still miss her.


((((((((((((((((((((limbo))))))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Limbo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here is my most wise and serious advice:

For now, put your H and your boys out of your thoughts and be present with your mom. She may not have a lot of time left, and every second that you DO have with her, you want to be present with her. You will not regret it.

At this time, it is not YOUR job to figure out how to save your marriage anymore. You can not save it by wrestling and wrestling and wrestling with your WH. At this time, either HE gets it together AND FAST or you expose the affair in broad daylight. You know, Limbo, that your WH is a smart man. He knows how to treat a lady like she's special, how to respect someone, and how to be an honorable husband. You don't need to "tell him" what he needs to do. Either HE grows some brass ones, steps up to the plate and voluntarily hands you his phone with ALL the info still on it (not hiding his affair) -OR- he is still in it and not letting go voluntarily.

It's really quite easy.

And if he is not letting go and doing the hard things that he is going to HAVE TO DO because of the choices HE has made, then you be brave, and you expose. You're not exposing out of anger or revenge--you are exposing out of LOVE because it is not loving to someone to not allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. It is not loving to enable him to continue to sin; but it IS loving to expose his sin to those who can help you encourage him to do the right thing.

The medical profession is fairly "macho" and sometimes a doctor can think/act as if they are "god-like" but they still have pretty strict morals/ethics clauses and it usually is not acceptable for a medical professional to carry on in any way with a colleague, associate, subordinate, or patient! So no...his work will not be supportive. And you do not want your kids to find out about this when you receive divorce papers!! Work--family--parents--church--and the OW's spouse NEED to know so they can help your WH find the balls to do what is RIGHT. Now, they are not perfect, and some of those places may not help WH...but some of them WILL. Also, your WH may be angry that you didn't keep his little secret, but by keeping his little secret and treating him respectfully, the affair continued under your nose. If he is angry, it is too bad that he behaved in a way that caused his work, children, parents, church and others to think less of him! Remember HE chose to do this...not you. It's HIS choices that have him in a bad spot, not your bringing it to light.

For now...be with your mom and put your WH out of your mind. Let HIM do all the work proving to you that he is in this and serious. Otherwise, expose and don't even think twice about it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Limbo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your faithful friend,

CJ

P.S. You are in my prayers night and day.

I'm so sorry, Limbo.

Focus on your mom right now. Nothing is going to change that drastically with H right now. So, what...will he call her? Like he hasn't been. He is messed up and that is going to be a long fix, not today. So focus on your momma and live this day with her in mind and there will be other days to worry about H and all of that.
You won't be sorry for focusing on her and you right now. Ever.
But the more time you spend fretting about the jerk you will resent later when she is gone. So don't give any more time to A stuff right now.
Again, so very sorry for your grief.

NewLife

NewLife

Limbo - Listen to Star*fish.

Thanks, Kahuna, Star*fish,CJ, New Life.

Hugs are needed and so appreciated.

Back to sit with my mom more tonight. H is on the way home with the boys. We have had several arguments all weekend, up to this morning. He is defiant, then not so. I am exhausted.

As he left, he told me "we are going to make it through this, I am sorry for what I have put you through, and I love you."

We shall see.

My mother went to be with God and her loved ones tonight.

Earlier today, someone saw her legs moving and her arms raised, and asked her what she was doing. "Dancing." And she was.

She left this life peacefully and on her own terms. Her true, given name was "Sweetie" and she was the sweetest person I have ever known.

She missed my dad so much when he died. They were married 49 years, from the ages of 17 and 21. They often told us the story of their decision that they would make it "no matter what." I never heard them fight; I heard many familial injunctions to protect the value of family "no matter what".

When my dad died, my sister asked her if she had been in love with him when they got married, "No. I knew he was a good man and would take care of me forever."

She never knew of the struggles in my M. She loved my H dearly. My H's last gift to her was to speak his magic doctor words to make sure her final wishes were honored. "Let me do the thing I know how to do" he said. And we were grateful.

The next days will be full of "arrangements" and travel; I want you to know that I am grateful to each one who has posted to me and will keep reading. If I have forgotten to respond to anyone, please forgive me, and do not go away! I still need you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Limbo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The world is less of a place today because Sweetie has gone. She is in the presence of her God, and with your dad whom she missed and loved. Thankfully, she died peacefully surrounded by her loved ones, and she never knew of the issues. She was able to leave this world at peace and ready to go.

You'll still be in my prayers night and day.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

((((LIMBO))))

~ Marsh

Your post about your mother dancing moved me to tears. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new to your thread, but

(((LIMBO)))

(((Limbo)))

So sorry for your loss.

((((((Limbo))))))

Thanks to all.

Had the counseling appointment this morning; going home from dealing with funeral arrangements tonight. Whole family will travel together this weekend.

During the counseling, it hit me how incredibly little I have left to give. SH is talking hopefully; I just hope H really heard me when I said I can't tolerate contact even one more day, and that I have no vulnerability left to give.

H emailed me about 5 minutes after the call t tell me he was bringing the phone home tonight.

I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you at once. Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

(((Limbo)))

I am so sorry.

I haven't been able to pray much the last two years, others have been holding me up, but tonight I am praying for you.

NL

Thinking of you...in my prayers.

LA

Thanks, all.

H did give the the phone late last night. I didn't have to ask.

There was very little info on the phone. I got the phone number-- different than I thought-- and we need to get a password to get online call records. Couldn't do that at midnight.

He tells me I am being obsessive and controlling by asking for the call records. (No, H, I am looking for info that will tell me if you are lying about recent contact and picking up voicemails. I need to know that.)

And that I am acting like a prosecutor. Hardly loving and remorseful. Really resented doing this late at night (but when else do I have these days?)

I tried hard to keep emotions out of play but he tells me I am "cold, distant and angry." H gets mad when I ask him for a hug.

Please, God, let this be a symptom of **real** withdrawal.

I slept last night for mor than I have for days but it wasn't enough and I am going back to bed soon.

Later I have to do laundry and figure out how to deal with funeral clothes for DS13. With his disability comes extreme sensitivity to sensory things, and clothing issues are tricky on a good day. A suit? Right. I think I'll call a couple of store sales managers and give them a heads up and promise to spend lots of money if they can get us through this without any disasters.

But first, back to bed.

{{{{{Limbo}}}}}

I'm sure you're not much in a mood for talk or advice, so may I make two quick suggestions? Your mom loved DS13 and he loved her--and it's the love in his heart that coming to the funeral, not his clothes. If he needs to wear a black t-shirt and jeans to his gramma's funeral, he isn't there to "look right"...he's there for his gramma. People who know him will understand why he's wearing what he is...for his comfort (and I don't mean "comfortable clothes"--I mean it is comforting for him to have on familiar clothing). People who don't know him don't matter anyway!

Second, may I lovingly suggest that you get the call records from the cell phone and then you do nothing. What I mean is that you've been at this for nearly a year already, and you just lost your mom, and you don't need to be expending a lot of energy toward this right now. It is reasonable to not backslide or return to LB's...and it is reasonable to meet any EN's that just naturally occur because you are the lovely woman that you are. But to expend energy right now to try to save this marriage is just too much. Do nothing. Find a place of rest and allow your WH to do what HE is going to do. You find peace and do nothing. Just stop.

Does that make any sense? When you're in this for the long-haul (and I assume you are), there are periods of time when you expend a lot of emotional energy and try really hard to do things differently, etc. And that's good, because you're changing and growing and improving! But that kind of effort cannot be sustained at that level for forever, and eventually you need to rest. No need to go backward and do it "the old way"--just stop and rest.

NOW would be a good time to stop and rest, and let your WH make his efforts. Let SH talk to him and stay engaged in the M and the MC and all--just lift that yoke off your shoulders for a while and rest.

{{{{{Limbo}}}}} You are in my prayers night and day.

Your faithful friend,



CJ