Arggh. Very tough weekend. The grief just washes over me again and again.

We fought much of the weekend. He alternates between alien fog-speak and "I'm sorry, I know I am responsible for what I have done to you."

I am exhausted.

((((((((((Limbo))))))))))

Before you do anything or make any decisions, I know you are meeting with SH tomorrow morning--alone--for yourself personally. I thoroughly suggest that you just hang in there this evening and get through to tomorrow morning.

However, this is just my own humble opinion. I do not believe the A is over: ... because it has been ongoing for so long, because he just had contact with her like on Friday, because he is not repentant, because he is still speaking fog babble. Furthermore, I think he is trying to justify "having an marriage for 10 or 20 years and saying it's not working out" and having to honor the lifelong vow he made to YOU. Thus, frankly, if you are heartbroken and just can NOT take anymore, I would suggest/encourage you to go ahead and sleep in another room if you must--sleep on the couch--just do whatever you do feel you have to do to get through the night tonight.

I guess what I'm saying is that he is tearing your heart apart and basically making little or no effort to repair all the damage he's doing. If you are at a point that you can't stand it anymore--for tonight just give yourself permission to take some time to yourself and be gentle to yourself. Don't listen to his fog talk anymore tonight. Don't try to engage him. Just get away, sleep in a calm, quiet place that will be restful for you, and drink some Tension Tamer tea or take a valarian or a bubble bath (he won't follow you into the bubble bath!) Give yourself permission to put your marriage on hold TONIGHT and take care of Limbo tonight. It won't be solved tonight, and you won't even be able to participate if you completely drain yourself.

Tonight, just take care of Limbo and get what rest you can--and let the wandering one sputter if he must. Just leave him alone and leave him to his weirdness.

My thoughts and prayers are with you day and night.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

CJ, Thanks. We got through the night.

SH gave me a snapshot today of what he is trying to accomplish and encouraged me to focus on the positive steps H has taken and leave it to him to follow up with H on the details. It is going to take some time.

Our next joint appointment is Wednesday.

This morning I am OK, not so unstable. That could, however, change at any second! javascript:void(0)
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Limbo,

Do you think SH got the full picture of just how close you are to the end of your rope? I mean, I know you are committed to your vows, but for everyone there is a point where the LoveBank is not only empty but it's smashed to smithereens. My concern is that while SH is working your WH in the right direction, YOU may be running out of hope and be brokenhearted for too long.

This is why I suggest to you that you do concentrate on YOU and doing what you need to do in order to care for yourself and be gentle to yourself. At this time, I think rather than you making much marriage-effort, it may be best to go into "rest and restore" mode and just do not much of anything. What I mean by that is that a person can really wear themselves out by always "working-working-working" trying to save a marriage, and sometimes, in order to catch your breath, you can just pause--don't go backward into old behaviors, but don't particularly try to go forward either. Just stop and rest.

I know it feels like you're going from moment to moment trying not to flip out or die inside...and that's why I suggest that you do things that are kind and loving to yourself. You will make no further damage if you just keep to yourself, read a good book, go out with a lady-friend or sister to a chick flick, have a nice salad-bar luncheon with an old friend--that kind of thing. Maybe make yourself some hot chocolate every night. Be as kind to you as you can.

((((Limbo)))))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Yes, I have been clear that I am at the end of my rope. He is trying to get me to hang on as long as I see progress n the right direction.

Feeling better today. Joint appointment with SH tomorrow.

((((Limbo))))

I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Sometimes a day of a little distance and a little "taking care of you" can help greatly.

Do you know what you're going to talk to SH about tomorrow? Do you and WH have some topics?

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Yesterday SH wanted an update from me about what had happened since our first talk, and had some pointed questions about what H did and did not do. I expect that there will be some followup to that with H.

WE filled out the EN and LB questionnares again and sent them in.

I am trying to take the advice to just stop and take care of myself.

Appointment this morning was OK. H has some assignments piling up on him. Next appointment next Thursday. He is still calling me at lunchtime every day. Today signed off with "I really DO love you."

I scheduled a massage for myself for tomorrow. And let H see me googling real estate listings out of state.......

I also have taken steps to find out my legal rights, but don't need to elaborate on those.

Jost in a holding pattern for now, while I see what H will do.

LL,

I am very sorry for your sitch. Please expose to OWH. I see that you have been advised this many times and choose not to. I encourage you to. I have been through mutliple d-days. I too didn't expose to OWH and regret it almost every day. I can't tell you enough about how much guilt I have, this isn't about revenge. It's about another person, blaming themselves for the problems, not know why the OP is distant. And the OP probably still fantasizes about my FWH. We have a lot going on in our lives right now, but I am going to expose to OWH myself, w/o telling my FWH. About two months ago we discussed it, I asked FWH didn't he feel he owed OWH an apology? He said no, he doesn't know him and he wants to put all this behind him, oh if it wasn't so easy. He doesn't want any contact from OW and he thinks it will create some. I said then ignore it, you don't have to choose to answer.

Anyway, my pt. is that over two years after d-day #2 with OW #2, it is still something I think about. Please expose while the iron is hot, do it for you and OWH.

Nab,
I have not exposed. I do know others have advised me to do so.
Did you do so after writing me this post? How did it go?

I have been lurking here. The exposure question frustrates me. All I can say is I am going to stick with the weekly SH counseling calls and follow his advice. This question has not come up-- the calls are joint with my H. My understanding is that if NC is in place, the primary reason for exposure is not there.

As an update, H has continued to participate in the counseling and has done his homework. It is about a month since his NC letter. He is pretty good about telling me where he is all the time. He took Friday off for my birthday (Saturday) and did something birthday-related for me every day.

I feel pretty awful most of the time. I have been burned so many times by false recovries that I do not dare to believe anything. I am really feeling the rejection. The "not good enough."

We had two really hard evenings last week. One was when I reacted visibly when he worked late and told me he had to go in early the next morning. He basically picked a fight and I ended up sobbing for hours. He apologized the next morning, took full repsonsibility for the fight, did not go in early, and called me when he got to the office after he left home (I had admitted, when he questioned my reaction to his going early, that I have constant questions about whether he is really meeting OW at Starbucks or for breakfast.)

THe next one was 2 days later, and it was not a fight so much as just a hard evening after he worked late. The day after that, he was "off" for my birthday. We took a long drive in the country and though I was really feeling down, the day was nice in retrospect.

For my birthday, among other gifts, he gave me the one thing I asked for--a card telling me that he is taking the month of May off his moonlighting job.

This week's assignment was to make a written plan for meeting the other's emotional needs and fax it off to SH. (Not to show each other yet.) SH will work with us both to fine-tune the plans.

The counseling is helpful-- it makes me not responsible for H's recovery, if that makes any sense. I just have to do my part. But I get really discouraged that I wasted so much time and effort trying to meet his ENs when he was not acting in good faith. I just wonder if anything I do will ever be "enough" or make me "good enough."

It's not all bad news. I am finally getting my long-awaited plastic surgery at the end of May (To clean up after massive weight loss.) It will take more than one operation, but it's finally under way, and I am more than ready. In between now and then I am supposed to work harder at the gym to be in the best condition possible for surgery.

**bump**

Is it narcissistic to bump your own posts?

ROFL! No, it's not narcissistic...thank you for the laugh!

The primary reason for exposure is not there...want to reverse the situation? Be the OWH and not know...feel crazy and lost and wondering? I don't think you would, LL. Multiple DDays from not sharing the truth...not just your WH's choices...your choice in not sharing truth, too.

Ask SH directly...would you both informing OWH be an act of truth, together, like the NC letter?

You get to choose what your reasons are...what your intent is...if it's to manipulate or protect yourself...you know that isn't real. Truth is. I trust you, LL. I trust you to not add to betrayal through not informing.

You want your real marriage...I know you do.

LA

Here's my fear.

I don't think he's gotten to the place yet of wanting honesty enough to take his lumps.

He is doing the counseling and homework.

But at this moment in time I am not ready to make it more challenging for him to do so by bringing up the exposure issue.

LL,

How did it work for you with him in charge of your recovery? He's had very close to two years to come clean and own his stuff...did you get in his way?

Do you believe you can sabotage him by acting from truth and sharing it? If so, what's to salvage?

Nearly two years another person has been in the dark...as far as you could know. That person could be you. Another person being blamed, chided, abused by their partner...and may be fearful the whole time of screwing it up...coaxing their partner back, not knowing the whole time she's comparing him to fantasy, shredding him in many ways through deception.

I believe this comes down to you, LL. I hear your fear. You have no control over his recovery. Not his personal or marital one. You're half. That's your limit. You have full control over sharing truth.

What would it benefit you to save your marriage at the cost of another one? You can't save their marriage...you can only choose to tell the truth or not. You add to the betrayal when you withhold...for any reason. You're not nearly as culpable as WH and OW are...yet, you have culpability.

You are so dedicated to working on yourself...choosing a tough road...valiant, in my eyes. This is not who I see you as...a co-conspirator. I really don't. Because I believe you've learned saving a marriage at all cost...even that of another marriage, living in lies, isn't worth it.

Are you saying down the road you'll share the truth? Later, when...what? When he's out of withdrawal? When he wants to make amends to OWH? He's had this challenge before him for a long time...and he's chosen deception until last month.

What you chose remains yours. He may be treating you from love right now...he did before...and contact didn't end. I'm glad you're seeing all of his choices...I'm asking you to see yours.

Really am in your corner, even when it doesn't exactly look like it...

LA

I don't think he was ever in charge of recovery. I was "in charge" and he didn't act in good faith.


I believe he does not yet have his moral compass back. Yet.

Yet is the operative word here. I think my H, if he comes back, will come to a place of wanting to make amends. The WH would not. The WH, I will not stay married to. The H is a man I would be proud to be with.

And the WH and H have been in a fight to the death. One seems to be emerging as victor, then the other rallies. Right now it **looks** like the H is still alive. Will be be willing to deal the death blow to WH? If he doesn't, WH will have no qualms about killing H.

Chewie, by this time you were counselling with SH. You wrote a NC letter based on the one in Surviving An Affair, yet you wrote here yesterday as if you had no idea what a NC letter was supposed to convey. You have avoided questions about the affair while manipulating posters into helping you lie convincingly to Chrys.

You continued your affair throughout your counselling with SH.